The
Sacred Nature of Everyday Work
by Kathleen
Slaugh Bahr
What appears to be drudgery may answer your toughest relationship problems.
"One day a week we deep clean the house together. My parents divide us into teams. We hate this. They force us to work together. We get along much better when we aren't working so close together. Usually it ends up in a yelling match, and then my parents freak out. My mom starts crying because we aren't getting along, and therefore we aren't righteous enough and she's failed as a mother. Then my dad gets upset because Mom is upset. The result: We are forced to spend more time with each other to prepare us for eternal life as a family. Cleaning the house is a miserable experience for everyone."(1)
So wrote a BYU student recently, and her feelings are not uncommon. Family work—the necessary, hands-on labor of sustaining life, such as feeding, clothing, and sheltering a family—has become the work that no one wants to do. Usually referred to as "housework," it is not only resisted by children and teen-agers, it has also become a major source of contention between the sexes. One study found that six months into marriage, disagreement over allocation of household chores was the number one source of conflict between husband and wife and remained so for up to five years (the limit of the study).(2) In stark
contrast, The Family: A Proclamation to the World states
that caring for a spouse and children is "a solemn responsibility"
(par. 6) and that providing for the physical needs of one's children
is "a sacred duty" (par. 6). The Proclamation also adds
"work" to the list of principles on which "successful marriages
and families are established and maintained" (par. 7), placing
it on equal footing with faith, prayer, repentence, and compassion.
President Hinckley goes so far as to say that families working
together is one of four things that could reverse the serious
trends that are weakening families and communities:
What, you may ask, can be done? The observance of four simple things on the part of parents would in a generation or two turn our societies around in terms of their moral values.
They are simply these: Let parents and children (1) teach and learn goodness together, (2) work together, (3) read good books together, and (4) pray together. (Emphasis added.)(3)
Is family
work a necessary evil, something we should learn to "grin and
bear" because the Lord said so? Or has Satan twisted our thinking
and hidden its true nature from us? Is it possible for families
to develop a strong work ethic in a day when hands-on labor is
easy to ignore and many consider household work a waste of time?
If so, how?
Family
Work is Essential to the Plan of Salvation
When
Adam and Eve used their agency to leave the Garden, they chose
to exchange an existence where life was sustained without effort
for one that depended on hard work. They entered a telestial sphere,
where death overcomes anything that does not expend a great deal
of energy staying alive. Traditionally, Christians think of this
labor as a curse, but a close reading of the scriptures reveals
otherwise. God cursed the ground to bring forth thorns
and thistles, which in turn forced Adam to labor. And yet Adam
was told, "Cursed shall be the ground for thy sake" (Moses
4:24, emphasis added). In other words, the hard work of eating
bread "by the sweat of thy face" (Moses 4:23) was meant to be
a blessing.
According
to Paul, so was the work of bearing and rearing children. In an
epistle to Timothy, Paul states that "she [Eve] shall be saved
in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness
with sobriety" (I Timothy 2:14, emphasis added). Significantly,
Joseph Smith corrected this verse to read, "They shall
be saved in childbearing" (JST, emphasis added), indicating that
more than the sparing of Eve's physical life was at issue. Somehow
both Adam and Eve would be privileged to return to their Heavenly
Father through the labor of bringing forth and caring for their
offspring.
What is it
about ordinary, family-centered work that has anything to do with
salvation? The answer is so obvious in common experience that
it has become obscure: Family work links people. It provides an
opportunity to love and care for others that never goes away.
In every dispensation of time, in every location upon the earth,
in families that struggle to survive as well as in wealthy families,
people need to be fed, clothed, and sheltered; family members
need to be nursed when they are sick and encouraged when they
are well. Family work is universal, and family work, by its very
nature, can bind us to one another.
During His
mortal ministry, Jesus Christ made it clear that feeding, clothing,
and sheltering others are central to His plan. He Who is the source
of all life taught that our willingness to perform life-sustaining
tasks for one another (not just for ourselves) will actually separate
"the sheep" from "the goats" at the time of judgment (Matthew
25:31-33):
Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of the Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. (Matthew 25:34-46)
Perhaps this
is why Isaiah ties feeding, clothing, and sheltering others to
a true fast (see Isaiah 58:6-9); Amulek ties the same to receiving
answers to our prayers (see Alma 34:27-28); and King Benjamin
ties it to obtaining a remission of sins (see Mosiah 4:26). Jesus
went on to show that His followers must be willing to feed, clothe,
and care for "the least of these my brethren" (Matthew 25:40).
We as Christians often discuss the above scriptures in terms of
the world's struggling masses. What we sometimes overlook is that
"the least of these" can be our own family members-our parents,
our siblings, our children. It is at home that we most often come
across the hungry, the tired, and the sick. It is also at home
that, because we are not likely to receive recognition or other
material rewards for performing such service, we unthinkingly
treat others as "the least of these."
How
Family Work Builds Relationships
Exactly
how do ordinary tasks like fixing a meal or cleaning a toilet
refine us spiritually and create connections of eternal significance?
Put simply, they call forth sacrifice, which tends to deepen relationships
within the context of true charity. Each opportunity to mend a
shirt, mop a floor, or read to a sick child calls us to put aside
our own concerns and humble ourselves in the service of others,
which is, by the Savior's own words, service to Him (Matthew 25:40).
Furthermore, family work-contrary to popular theories and advice-is
meant to be performed as a family.
Returning
to our first parents, note that even though Adam and Eve were
each given a specific area of responsibility, they helped one
another in their labors. Adam brought forth the fruit of the earth
with Eve working by his side (Moses 5:1); Eve bore children, but
Adam joined her in teaching them (Moses 5:12). When family members
work side by side in the right spirit, a foundational sense of
caring and commitment grows out of their shared daily experience.
One young man described it this way:
I never realized why my older brother and I were such good friends. When we were in our early teens, we helped my dad build our house, install the sprinklers, landscape the yard, and do all sorts of odds-and-ends jobs. I remember many times when we would have to cooperate to accomplish many of our work goals. . . .Now that we are older, there is a bond that we share because we worked side by side in our developing years. I would not trade them for anything.(4)
Ironically,
the very things commonly disliked about family work offer the
greatest possibilities for nurturing close relationships. No doubt
the Lord planned it this way. For instance, our larger culture
tends to complain that family work is mindless. Yet, chores that
can be done with a minimum of concentration leave our minds free
to focus on one another while we labor together. The physical
work provides both a reason to be together as well as the opportunity
to talk earnestly. Unlike playing together, which often requires
mental as well as physical involvement, family work can invite
intimate conversations between siblings or between parent and
child.
One young
man said: "I think picking strawberries and string beans was especially
productive as a family because the work was long and mundane.
The quiet, almost mentally effortless work is fertile soil for
conversation. I sometimes miss those days."* When asked to relate
a spiritual experience he'd had with his mother, a nineteen-year-old
missionary recalled: "We'd just jump in a car to go for a milk
run at night. My mom would say, 'We're out of milk; we've got
to have it for tomorrow morning,' and she would ask me to go with
her. We'd go and just talk."(5)
In our culture,
we're also led to think of household work as menial; and much
of it is. Yet, because it is menial, even the smallest child can
make a meaningful contribution. Preschoolers can learn to fold
laundry, wash walls, or sort silverware into a drawer with sufficient
skill that they feel they are an essential part of the family.
Because family work includes tasks from the very simple to the
greatly complex, participants at every level can feel challenged
and depended upon. The required skills range from mastering manual
skills to the more elusive arts of prioritizing, organizing, cooperating,
and teaching others a skill. For most parents, the overall responsibility
of coordinating the tasks, people, and projects taxes their abilities
for many years.
Remembering
the impact on her family of working in their garden together,
a college coed describes how everyone participated:
Every year, planning the family garden was a major event. We would sit together at family night, and my oldest brother would design exactly how the garden was to be landscaped. We would then decide what we wanted to plant. Everybody's suggestions were used.
After we had a list of the vegetables we would plant, we decided where each row should go on my brother's design. By the time we were done, we had an exact drawing of how we wanted our garden to be. Then we went to the store together and bought the seeds/plants that we needed and took them home. Then we went to the already tilled garden and planted the plants together. We usually had a separate job. [One younger brother] would make the rows. I would help [the other younger brother] plant the seeds. Dad would make the mounds and provide water while Mom planted the plants.
We also all
helped pull weeds and harvest. Harvest time was like Christmas.
It was so exciting to see the first vegetables come on the plants.
We appreciated them so much more because we had worked so hard
for them.(6)
Perhaps because
such tasks invite a child into the adult world, they also tend
to dissolve feelings of hierarchy, real or imagined. This makes
it easier to discuss topics of concern. One college student wrote,
"Some of the best times with my dad were when I would help him
do yard work. . . .We'd have some of our best talks about life
as we raked leaves or hauled wood."(7)
While doing research for my dissertation, I observed
that when children needed to approach parents with a difficult
or delicate topic, they seemed more likely to do so while engaged
in family work with a parent. One grade school boy, for example,
wanted his parents to allow a friend (a girl) to stay overnight.
He brought it up three times in two days-once while setting the
table with his mother, once at dinner, and once while he and his
mother were cleaning the family room.(8)
This pattern was typical of children observed in other families
as well.
Another aspect
of family work that bothers many people is its repetitiveness.
The same labor must be performed over and over again, sometimes
several times a day. However, each rendering of a task is a new
invitation to enter the family circle. Daily tasks can become
anchors of family love and belonging because each day brings another
chance for all family members to participate with one another.
One young man who came from a family that he claims "rarely does
any activities together" and "has never gone on vacation together
nor [has] ever once had family home evening" does remember
cooking together:
The most fun thing we would prepare together was enchiladas. It was definitely a group project because we would always form an assembly line. My dad would prepare the tortillas and next someone would be in charge of dipping them in the sauce. That person gives it to someone to be in charge of adding in the meat. Down the line we have people in charge of cheese, olives, and the rolling and putting them in the pan. There was a job for everybody, and we spent more time talking and laughing than preparing food.(9)
Family identity
is built moment by moment amidst the talking and teasing, the
singing and storytelling that often attend such work sessions.
The words and actions that surround us are repeated until our
most basic beliefs about life have been formed. Often family members,
old and young, remain unaware of the cumulative impact of these
small moments. A young woman writes:
While I was growing up, my family had a wood burning stove, and each summer we would have to go cut enough wood to heat our home for the winter. For as long as I can remember, my immediate family and my grandparents would make a trip into the forest each summer...For all those years, I watched my grandmother working alongside my grandfather and my mom working alongside my dad in the hard and tiresome task of cutting firewood. The thought never crossed my mind that perhaps it wasn't "usual" for women to do such work. It was simply a way of life that was embedded in me from the beginning.*
Finally,
much worldly thinking insists that family work is demeaning because
it involves cleaning up after others in the most personal way.
In doing so, we observe their vulnerability and weaknesses, and
we reveal our own. As we share another's physical struggles, we
are forced to admit that life is only possible day-to-day by the
grace of God. We are reminded that when we are clean, we could
be dirty; when we are fed, we could be hungry; and when we are
healthy and strong, we could be feeble and dependent. Because
family work is humbling work, it helps us acknowledge our unavoidable
interdependence on others, especially the Savior. It encourages,
even requires, a sacrifice of "self" for the good of the whole.
One young
man describes how he had to help out with his twin sisters from
the time they were born, starting when he was only ten years old.
He reflects:
I learned to love those I served. My sisters almost became part of me and my life. For example, when my soccer game had finished on a sweltering hot day, I was given some ice cold juice to cool me off. Just as I was about to drink it, I saw that one of my sisters was hot and had nothing to drink. So I gave her my drink. For me this was a big step, because at this time my sister and I did not get along very well. I attribute this act of kindness to the hours of care and babysitting I had spent with her.*
Perhaps at
this most humble level is found the greatest potential of family
work-the power not only to strengthen, but to heal relationships.
Doing something mundane yet essential for someone who cannot do
it for themselves can create, in the absence of pride, an unspeakable
connection between the doer and the one for whom the work is done.
As we figuratively touch one another at this simple level of everyday
need, the most routine act of service can surmount any breach.
Writes a woman, now a mother of four:
When my mother was twelve, my grandmother abandoned her and left her with an alcoholic, abusive father. My mother knew why her mother left. But she still felt cheated and resented the fact that her mother had never helped her, not even when she had surgeries or with the births of her seven children.
Their relationship had been strained for years when my grandmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. But my mother decided that she needed to care for her mother as she died. At the start she was resentful of her mother's constant demands. She told me she had to say a silent prayer at the door of Granny's bedroom every time she entered and at every stoplight as she drove my grandmother to her doctor appointments.
But something happened during the five months that my mother gave round-the-clock service to my grandmother. One day I got a phone call. My mother said, "You have to visit us. You have to see us together like this. You have to see that I love my mother." I did visit them, and it was true.
Later my mother explained to me, "When I took care of her, I could see who she was. It was the staying with her, doing those mundane things that developed the love. When I would bathe her or see her in a vulnerable moment, my whole body would fill with love and warmth, and I would just feel for her."
I couldn't comprehend it. It seemed like it should be the other way round, that this healing should have come from my grandmother finally taking care of my mother. I asked my mother what my grandmother had given her. She kept saying, "She took care of me by appreciating everything that I did. I got back more than I gave."(10)
God gave
us family work as a link to one another, as a link to Him, as
a stepping stone toward salvation that is always available and
that has the power to transform us spiritually as we transform
others physically. This daily work of feeding and clothing and
sheltering each other is perhaps the only opportunity all humanity
has in common. Whatever the world takes from us, it cannot take
away the daily maintenance needed for survival. Whether we find
ourselves wealthy or poverty-stricken or merely struggling as
most of us do in day-to-day mediocrity, we need to be fed, to
be clothed, to be sheltered. And so does our neighbor.
When Christ
prepared His apostles for His imminent death and instructed them
on how to become One, He chose as a sacred symbol and ordinance
the washing of feet-a task ordinarily done in His time by the
most humble of servants:
Jesus knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he was come from God, and went to God;
He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself.
After that he poureth water into a basin, and began to wash the disciples' feet, and to wipe them with the towel wherewith he was girded. (John 13:3-5)
Peter objected,
thinking that this was not the kind of work someone of Christ's
earthly-or eternal-stature would be expected to do. Christ made
clear the importance of participating:
If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me. (v.7)
So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you?
Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am.
If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet.
For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. (John 13:12-15)
And so for
our sakes this work exists. Perhaps it is the work we really
came to earth to do -- for by feeding, clothing, and sheltering
"the least of these," we symbolically wash the feet of Christ
Himself.
Next month: If family work is spiritually essential, why is it such a source of contention in families today?
Special Thanks:
I am greatly indebted to Cheri A. Loveless, Kristine Manwaring,
Maureen Rice, and Vaughn Worthen for their contributions to and
help with writing this article.
Notes
1. Smith, Diane. Unpublished data.
2. Cox, F.D. (1996). Human intimacy: marriage, the family, and its meaning 7th Ed. (p. 207). St. Paul, MN: West Publishing Co. Couples were interviewed during engagement, then again six months, one year, and five years after marriage.
3. Hinckley, G. B. (1996, September). First presidency message: four simple things to help our families and our nations. The Ensign, 7. Adapted from a March 5, 1994, address given to the Washington, D.C. chapter of the Brigham Young University Management Society.
4. All student comments marked with an asterisk ( * ) are from student papers collected by Kathleen Slaugh Bahr.
5. Kapp, Ardith Greene (1996). What latter-day stripling warriors learn from their mothers (p. 35). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.
6. Smith, Diane. Unpublished data.
7. Ibid.
8. Slaugh, Kathleen (1982). Family interaction and human resource development in the housework context 161-163. Michigan State University.
9. Smith, Diane. Unpublished data.
10. From a personal interview conducted by Cheri Loveless.
Click here to sign up for Meridian's FREE email updates.
© 2004 Meridian Magazine. All Rights Reserved.