All Good Things Must Come to
an End
By Erin Ann McBride
and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, who can say good-bye in seven different
languages, including pig Latin
Just as in a relationship, some things must come to an end — with no good explanation. You think everything is going great, you’re building trust, you’re getting to know each other, and just when you think you know what to expect, the relationship goes kaput. And so it is that we here at A Single Thought, also known as Erin and Juli, must sign off and say goodbye.
It’s not you, it’s us. We can’t explain it; it’s just not the right thing at this point in time. It’s time to move on. Please, we can still be friends. We still want to hear from you. You can write us at (erinandjuli@yahoo.com) anytime. You’ll always be welcome here, but you know, we just can’t, well, be together anymore.
We know you’ll find someone else. Someone who can be there for you like we never could. This was great, but just think how the next one — the right one — is going to be so much better. You are going to be so great for them. And you are going to make them incredibly happy, we just know it. When the right one comes along, wow, you are going to be so good for them.
It will hurt for a while, for both of us, but it won’t last long. It’s okay to cry; we’ve already shed tears over this decision too. We’ll miss you so much. There isn’t someone else (we knew you’d ask). No, Erin Ann isn’t getting married. (And, well, Juli’s always had someone else — her two daughters and husband.) It’s nothing like that. It’s just time to move on, explore new fields, expand the horizons. We just can’t hold you back anymore, not when you have so much potential for greatness with someone else.
Instead of thinking about all the sad things, let’s remember all the great times we had together. We’ve had a few laughs together, haven’t we? Just think of all the wonderful memories we share, those moments of clarity where we realized together that someone out there really has a more pathetic dating life than us. Someone hopelessly tragic, whose tale of dating woe had us laughing so hard not just because their stories were funny, but because we were oh so grateful that it didn’t happen to us.
A Single Thought’s Greatest Hits
Right from your inboxes to ours, here are some of the greatest outtakes from your worst dates ever.
John Denver’s Greatest Hits
… When we arrive at the house,
Mr. Italian finds a piano, where he proceeds to play and sing
John Denver songs. The Swedish girls are basically avoiding
everyone at this point and appear to be bored beyond belief.
Jennifer keeps trying to lure me to a couch ... I am forced
to
escape by participating in a John Denver sing-along.
Why Your Dates Should End by Midnight
…So we drive to this parking lot of a building (by this time, it's almost 3 a.m.) and it's cold (early March) and dark. He parks his car near a tree, and we get out of the car. He hands me the camera, and moves away from the car in the direction of a tree. So I am thinking he is going to climb the tree and wants pictures of it.
Now, this was a digital camera, and it was dark outside. So when you look through the view screen on the back of the camera at night, all you see is blackness. It's not until the camera flashes and the saved images appear that you actually know what you took a picture of.
So with that disclaimer, Jason is standing by the tree and tells me to point the camera in his direction and to just start taking pictures. So I do that. I took about four or five pictures of him, before the images appeared on the screen. And once they did, I realize that I am not taking pictures of him climbing a tree, but I am taking pictures of a man wearing progressively less clothing with each picture. In fact, by the final picture, he had no clothes on at all! I had just taken pictures of a naked man!
Robbing the Cradle
…While holding up the cultural hall wall at a dance, an elderly woman (late 60's) walked up to me. She knew my name (someone who will not receive forgiveness in this life, or the next, told her) and asked me to dance. Having been taught to be polite, I agreed. No sooner had we reached the dance-floor when she locked on to me in her version of the "Y" dance. She then told me about her 4 (yes, FOUR) previous marriages and asked how old I was. I told her, thinking, "End of conversation." Wrong! She said, "How would you like to get married to me?! I have a nice home and it isn't too bad marrying a woman who 'knows the ropes.'" The song ended at this moment and I extracted myself from her arms and went back to the wall; unfortunately she followed me and informed me that, "My younger children are your age so you'll all get along real well!" I then excused myself to go to the restroom, where I stayed for the next half hour (because she followed me to the door).
A Smashing Good Time
…He warned me that every single magazine, newspaper, television station, and radio station in the United States is owned and operated by Communists. He said that his mother was in a mental asylum and had to have shock therapy. I’m looking at the car door handle, trying to plot my escape.
We reached town none too soon and he drives into a parking garage, all the while complaining about how much it’s going to cost him and me saying he doesn’t have to pay it, I can go home. He drives up to a parking space and backs in — BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! — hitting four cars doing it… Leo returned in time for the rest of the concert, and then we walked the several snowy blocks back to the parking garage, where — yes — BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! — he hit the same four cars on the way out. I covered my eyes and moaned.
So Many Questions, So Little Time
…I was once on a date with someone who asked me so many questions at once I felt like he was interviewing me for the open position of "Wife."
He Wants More than a Slow Dance
Not too far into the dance, I was
just chilling with my friends, having some fun, when this guy
comes over to me and asks me to dance. First of all, it was
NOT a slow song, and NOT a song you can swing dance to. You
couldn't really dance appropriately to that song at all, and
he asked me to dance. I told him I'd dance with him on a slow
song and told him to come find me when the next one started.
I didn’t think he'd actually come and find me again. Low and
behold, the second the next slow song started, and he was by
my side asking me to dance. I couldn't exactly say no, so I
danced with him. For a few seconds I didn't say anything, but
then he started talking about himself and telling me he was
33 years old, never kissed anyone, and he'd never been engaged
before. I was thinking to myself, "that's nice, but why
are you telling me this?"
Midway through the song he ‘admitted’ to me that the spirit
had told him that I was the one he needed to marry and that
I needed him. What?!? I was totally blown away! What do you
say to that?! When I finally found my voice I told him I couldn't
marry him because I was too young for him, (there was a thirteen
year age difference) and that the spirit misinformed him. He
then told me that age didn't matter because I might be younger
in years, but more mature than him in spirit. I couldn't think
of anything to say to that and he took my silence as agreement,
so he continued on saying, "I can provide for you, I'd
be a good husband and a good father for our children, you'd
never want for anything." At that point the song ended,
for which I was very relieved, and I quickly said "no thanks"
and ran back to my friends. How's that for freaky?
It’s Hard out Here for a Convert
…she asked, “So where did you go on your mission?” Having joined the Church six months earlier, I replied “I haven’t been on a mission”. “Oh,” was her response. (You know, the ‘oh’ with a raised eyebrow.) And then silence……I’m thinking “uh, oh, what now?” So finally, she turns to me and says, “Just what do you feel are your Priesthood responsibilities?” Wow. How do you respond to that?
Sneaky Little Devil
At his suggestion, we first went
to the movie, the matinee, "because it's cheaper to go
in the afternoon." We amazingly agreed on a show to see,
and then he grabbed my arm and guided me into the theater. I
said to him, "Hey, don't we need to get tickets??"
"No, I already got your ticket. Here." He hands me
a worn out old ticket stub from days gone by. It even had someone's
phone number written on one side of it.
I looked at him incredulously. "THIS is my ticket? You're
joking, right?" He grinned and said, "No, just hold
it up like this, and flash it really quick at the ticket taker.
They never pay attention and we'll get right in." I stopped
dead in my tracks. "You are trying to sneak me into a movie?"
"Aw c'mon," he says, "I do it all the time. Just
walk past her quickly and she'll never notice."
I refused. I told him that I was going back to buy my ticket.
After a minute he shakes his head and then follows me back to
the ticket booth.
We return and give the ticket taker our REAL tickets this time.
It was then that I noticed Larry carrying a Wal-Mart bag. I
could see what looked like one drink and a small bag of popcorn.
Unfortunately for Larry, the ticket lady also notices his Wal-Mart
bag. She refuses to let him take it inside, despite his many
loud protests. Finally he gives up and sets the bag to the side.
We walk into the theater and find seats. He leaves to try to
"sneak his bag away from that rotten ticket lady."
Luckily he comes back empty handed. He was quite disappointed,
though, because he had purchased a Hostess blueberry pie and
had saved half of it for me! "It was really good,"
he assures me. How thoughtful.
Rejection Is a Good Thing
…So on goes my personal campaign of worldwide rejection. After all, I don't need everyone to fall head over heels in love with me. I just need that one special person to fall head over heels in love with me. And I think she's waiting for me somewhere, right now...in Bolivia. Unfortunately she doesn't have an internet connection…
Advice from a Guy
…As a guy, I admit I like to do the asking out. I don't mind if a girl asks me out once, but let me ask for the second date. My view is this...if the girl is interested, it is her job to let the guy know (e.g. through flirtation or telling him about activities and such). Then if the guy doesn't ask you out, move on. And don't put all your eggs in one basket. Flirt with lots of guys. Believe me, it is much easier to ask a girl out when you think she has some interest in you. And if he's too chicken to ask you out, forget about him. It’s not worth waiting around to hope he someday gets some guts.
You’re Near and Dear to His… What?
He came to pick me up and his idea
of our first date involved a romantic drive up Provo Canyon
so we could just talk and get to know each other. This should
have been warning number one — never go for a long drive on
your first date. Somewhere on the Alpine Loop, he pulled off
the road so we could enter into a very serious conversation,
warning number two, don't enter into serious conversations on
a first date!
He told me that he knew I was supposed to be his wife. He pulled
my picture out of his wallet and told me he had been carrying
it for many months and knew we were supposed to be together.
I about freaked when I saw my picture in his hand. The reality
that it had been in his wallet, close to his bum, was more than
I could take. I stammered something like, "Where did you
get my picture? I don't remember giving it to you." He
then confessed that he had served a portion of his mission in
the mission office and had taken my picture from the bulletin
board in the mission president's office. Later, I realized he
left with my picture, still in his wallet. I'm sure, by now,
that picture has been replaced by the image of someone else.
I just hope he didn't steal it from the post office wall.
A Singleton Holiday
…When my siblings and I were children, we would act out the Nativity every Christmas Eve. Now that there is a plethora of grandkids, they act it out at our family Christmas party. A few years ago, my oldest sister asked ME to be Joseph, because the oldest grandson was sick of doing it, the next one was at his other Grandma's and everyone else was too young. I didn't want to be Scrooge, so I did it, but I was humiliated. There I was, accompanying my 6-year old niece to the stable. Oh, the shame!
What Not to Say if Your Date Loves the Gov
As we were waiting for the movie to start, trivia questions and movie facts played across the screen. One of them was about the greatest movie villain. It was between Arnold in the Terminator and Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs. I mentioned out loud that I didn't think Arnold was a very good actor. From that moment until the movie started, I got a lecture (yes, a lecture) about how misunderstood this actor was and how he was the best actor ever. After the movie, we went to dinner. The only reason we went to the restaurant we did was because he found that we could get free food. While we were ordering, he took time out to flirt with the waitress. She even gave me a sympathetic look. I just wanted to leave.
Two for the Price of One
Tom asked me if I minded him stopping
at the grocery across the street. He said he needed to pick
up a couple of things. I'm too nice to say no, so blindly I
let him lead on. In the store, he asked my opinion on everything
he put in the shopping cart. Was it a good deal, did I buy this
brand, and did I like this particular food item. When I finally
asked him why he was asking me all these questions, he simply
said, "Well, if I'm going to cook you dinner every night
this week, I need to know what you like." Again, should
have paid attention to the red flags.
After loading 10 bags of groceries into the back seat of my
car, we headed back to the apartment complex. Tom proceeded
to instruct me on where to park my car so that we could unload
the groceries. When we got the car parked, he told me he would
go on up and unlock the door and start clearing a space for
all the bags. Then he left, leaving me with the groceries. I
was too shocked at this point to think clearly. It is the only
way to explain my behavior, as I proceeded to carry those bags
up to his apartment. When he started telling me which cabinets
to put things in, I made up some lame excuse about needing to
make a phone call and left.
I figured he was smart enough to realize that would be the end
of our dates. You should never assume. The next night, he knocked
on my door, arms full of food. Tom said to me, "I have
dinner ready to go in the oven, but my roommates are using the
kitchen, so we'll have to use your broiler." I knew I had
the perfect out when I told him the broiler on my oven didn’t
work. He said that was fine, we could just use the oven in Angela's
apartment. When I asked who Angela was, he told me that we were
double dating.
I was too nice to tell him I just wasn't coming, too nice or
maybe too stupid. So, I followed him to Angela's apartment.
I introduced myself to Angela and started helping her in the
kitchen. After about 20 minutes, I questioned her about her
date, who, at this point still hadn't shown up. She looked right
at me and said, "Oh, Tom is my date." Finally, I paid
attention to those pesky red flags. It took me about 20 seconds
to politely say goodbye to Angela, and leave the apartment.
In Summation…
Anyone can get married if he/she
sets her standards low enough.
If the Holy Ghost does not tell you the relationship is right
after you have fasted and prayed in the Celestial Room, rethink
the situation.
It can be brutal out there. The least we can do as brothers
and sisters is to care for and to protect one another. Oh, and
when your mother's friends divorce, the ex-husbands are not
a good idea. Run!
We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.
Does anyone else hear Bob Hope’s “Thanks for the Memories” playing in the background now?
Don’t forget, we’ll always love you and keep you in a special place in our hearts. You can reach us anytime, whenever you want, if you need a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent about dating to, or have a hilarious dating story to share. You can always find us at erinandjuli@yahoo.com.
