How Crusty Is Your Curtain?
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell

I can’t help but notice certain things about a man.  All of these things are nearly “make or brake” deals with me.  Every last one of them gives me an insight into the future and tells me whether or not he would be the type of husband I could ever put up with.  I can fall in love with all sorts of men (Matthew McConnaughey is one of them), but I’m looking for a man I can actually put up with for the rest of my life, and vice versa.  I hate to send the message that I am thinking about the future and marriage while on the first few dates, but let’s face it — I am. 

I’m not saying that the failure to comply with some of these “make or brakes” means I won’t go on a second date.  After all, contrary to popular opinion, you can change certain things about a man.  (See items 2 and 4 below.)  At least I will know what I am getting into.

Now lest you think some of these deal-breakers are too harsh (again, see items 2 and 4 below), let me ask you this- why should I be with a man who can’t take care of me properly?  I do a great job of taking care of myself now and I won’t settle for life, let alone eternity, with someone who does a second rate job of it. (Although my mother has hinted at times that possibly I should loosen up just a little bit.)  Men need to step up to the plate and be good enough for the women.  I can’t remember the last time I actually met a single man who was not only good enough, but also smart enough to be asking out women.  I actually do meet “good enough men” upon occasion.  They just tend to be the same exact men who are too busy to be dating, or too focused on finding a perfect conifer that they miss the trees for the forest.

Things I can’t help but notice in a man:

1. Dependability.  Does he talk a big game about going on dates and meeting women, but then never seems to follow through?  Flag #1.  If he can’t follow through on an innocent invitation to Baskin Robbins when we are still in the “trying to impress you” stage of dating, will he ever follow through on that promised family vacation to Disney World ten years down the road?
   
   
2. Fingernails.  If his fingernails are too long (and we all know how long too long is) chances are that someday when I look up at his beautiful blue eyes I will be greeted with a big bud of burgeoning gray nose hair instead.  In my experience, a man who fails to clip his own fingernails also fails at other minor and yet essential discreet personal hygiene.  Hygiene is very important to me.  I can’t live my life gazing into hairy nostrils.  I just can’t.  But it is on this small point that I do believe certain opinionated and Type A women could change a rather clueless man. 
   
   
3. Blushing.  Whether or not a man blushes when I walk into the room, or smile at him privately across a crowded room, sends me all sorts of signals.  Men are experts at hiding their feelings, and not all men are as adept or inclined to share their feelings and emotions as women want them to be.  But that is only if you don’t know where to look.  All men have a tell-tale sign, if you just know where to look. (Please don’t ever tell the men this, though.  You’ll ruin it for the rest of us.)  Personally, I love it when a man who is otherwise made of stone blushes when I smile at him.  Big points for him.
   
   
4. Shower Curtains.  I apologize in advance if this grosses you out, but it must be said.  If upon a distant visual inspection, a man’s shower curtain shows to be a lab experiment in color changing molds, I may suddenly be in need of spending time in my own shower washing my hair the next time he calls.  If his toilet hasn’t seen a scrub brush in months, let alone years, I may just run out the door and hide.  These are huge clues that he doesn’t appreciate how hard housework can be.  I have resigned myself to the fact that getting married means I become someone’s personal maid, but that doesn’t mean I have to marry someone who doesn’t appreciate that housework just sucks.  I’m not so liberal (or as too many put it, “college educated”) as to think that I won’t be picking up my husband’s messes for all eternity.  But I am smart enough to know in advance whether or not he will appreciate it.

Every marriage is full of surprises.  Just like every new dating relationship is as well.  All people have personal baggage that they carry around, or a set of beliefs that you will never convince them are wrong or pointless.  We all see it.  We all know it’s there.  Somehow in the course of dating, too many people start giving in to their pheromones and ignoring logic.  Its just logical that a man who forgets he made plans with you over and over again and then makes up for it by inviting you over to watch TV, and then has long nasty nails, a dirty tee shirt, and a horribly crusty shower curtain, is never going to remember your birthday, get off the couch, use decent hygiene, or help with the housework. 

The older I get the more I am able to see the signs.  Good men are hard to find in a sea of crusty shower curtains. 

Recycling Revisited

Eric in Salt Lake City wrote us to comment on our last column on Recycle Dating and HSSS disease (He’s single and she’s single, therefore they will be perfect for each other!)  He said, “The recycle dating definitely sounds positively woeful. I don't have any suggestions on how to avoid it, just do so. From my perspective all the pretense that goes along with dating is for the birds anyhow.”  Some roommates and friends have an unspoken code of conduct where you just don’t go there after someone you are friends with breaks up. A year or so down the road, maybe, but you will earn a well-deserved reputation if you date your way through a whole apartment.

He continues, “As far as the HSSS disease goes and your comments on that, all I can say is a sustained ‘Amen.’ That's happened to me before and it ain't pretty. If married people want to be helpful to singles, they should just not be pushy about putting to people together. If you'll forgive an analogy from The Sound of Music, sometimes the lonely goat in the goat herd would rather be lonely than put in an awkward position and have potentially devastating consequences.”  Thanks, Eric. Now we’re trying to get that song out of our heads!

Holly from Georgia wrote to provide a different perspective on Recycle dating.  She said, “Dating people our friends have dated is frequently the only option in places where the member count is fairly low. Admittedly, it does take some maturity in all parties (especially the women), but it can certainly be accomplished, and produce excellent results! I've had many friends date and marry men that I either dated previously, or were very interested in. Sometimes it has been hard for me to see them succeed with men that I couldn’t succeed with, but I always tried to remember they were my friends, and they weren't trying to hurt me (my pride, actually!) with their actions.

“The problems that occur in these situations are usually because somebody couldn't keep well enough alone (Mary was the culprit in your story; I'm sure she wasn't motivated by disinterested concern when she ‘warned’ Amy!)  People in general love to gossip and be busy-bodies, and we Mormons in particular seem to have a problem with it. I guess we take too literally the admonition to be our brother’s keeper!)  If we could just leave well enough alone, and let nature take its course, I think more couples would probably be formed, stay together, and end up in marriage. I think we can find many examples where a person outside of the dating couple interfered, thinking they were doing the right thing, and caused two people who maybe should have been together to break up.” 

Excellent point, Holly. Thanks for writing!

A Big Fat No-No

Note to would-be brides and grooms.  We understand that during your engagement it is sometimes hard to think clearly while wearing rose-colored glasses, which is why we are here for you.  Recently we received a forwarded wedding invitation email from someone we did not know. This anonymous person was so horrified with what her inbox contained that she had to send it to us (we who frequently pretend we know about manners).

While the grammar and spelling were all correct, there was something else completely offensive about the email.  First, it was an email.  The happy couple will be celebrating their happiness with four, yes four, wedding receptions.  Apparently the expense of throwing four parties meant they had to cut back somewhere and chose to only send emails out rather than formal invitations.  Second, the invited guest does not know the happy couple.  She has never met either of them and is actually unclear as to how they got her email address.  While she is very happy for their new-found happiness, she hopes they will understand that she will not be paying for a plane ticket to fly across country to attend any of their parties.  But she does wish them much happiness in their lives together.

We followed the link contained in the email she sent us, which led us to the couple’s wedding website. This is actually a fun idea for those who have relatives and friends who can not attend the ceremony or reception. The pictures of them were great (they looked very happy), and the story of their engagement was fun to read. But then…this is where our jaws hit the floor. We clicked on the registry page, where the happy couple has listed five stores where they had registered, with links included, and requests for gift cards from other places. Now normally we are very happy to provide generous gifts to a young couple trying to establish a household, but this just rubbed us wrong. (Feel free to disagree with us if you like, but it seemed more like begging for gifts than providing options so the giver knows his gift is needed.) We’re trying to figure it out: which is more tacky? Registering at five places, requesting gift cards only, or filling a mailed invitation with registry cards? Why not just tack up a sign at the reception door that says, “Cash Only!”

As always, your thoughts on any or all of the above is welcome, wanted, and wished for. You know where to find us: erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. We can’t wait to hear from you!

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