When Recycling is Not a Good
Idea
By Erin Ann McBride
and Juli Hiatt Caldwell
Recycling: Just Say No!
You read us correctly. Just don’t
do it. Don’t even go there. Obviously we mean date recycling
— not the kind that saves the planet and keeps beavers from
choking in small rivers. Beaver recycling is good. Date recycling
is bad.
Date recycling is when one group
of friends have all dated the same person or group of persons.
This might not sound so bad at first, but then a few years go
by, people hit 30, and pretty soon you reach the end of the
lunch line and have to go back and start with the same person
who broke up with you five years ago. This dangerous activity
occurs when the dating pond is small. It’s not at all friendly
to the dating environment and pollutes the water supply feeding
the dating pond. It has been linked to every sort of affliction
known to single-kind, and in fact, it’s occupationally, emotionally,
and environmentally hazardous to your health.
In any given small dating pond,
such as a singles' ward, the following might happen: Mary will
meet and date Mike. They will date nicely, but nothing will
ever come of it. It will be a simple break up, with no hard
feelings or reasons to avoid each other at future social functions.
Two years later, Mary will get a new roommate, Lucy. Lucy will
meet Mike, and will fall furiously for him. Mike, never one
to get caught up in just one woman’s web, will simultaneously
date Lucy and Amy. Amy is a nice new girl in the ward, who
just moved there from Utah.
It Gets Messy
Amy is too new to the ward to know
about Mike’s past with Mary, or that she lives with Lucy. Amy
and Mary are visiting teaching companions, and one day after
visiting their sisters, they hang out in the car and get to
know each other better. As expected, dating, or the tragic
lack thereof, comes up before long. Amy confides in her new-found
friend that she’s been seeing a guy in the ward, and she likes
him, but well, she just can’t shake the feeling that he’s not
into monogamy. (Don’t freak out — we just mean dating autonomy.)
Mary, a longtime resident of the
ward, pretty much knows everyone’s dating habits, not because
she’s a busybody, but just because she’s been around the block
ten more times than anyone else, knows instantly who Amy is
talking about: Mike, the ward’s resident Casanova. Mary’s been
around long enough to know that most girls have a confession
about Mike. After all, even she has one. But she keeps that
info to herself. Mary assures Amy that the “right” thing always
happens in the end, and they go home. Later that night Lucy
confides to Mary that she and Mike might just be ready to get
a tiny bit more serious. Which they both know really doesn’t
mean much when it comes to Mike, but they cross their fingers
for him anyway. Mary feels bad for Amy, who has clue that her
heart is in danger of getting broken.
So later that week, she calmly
confides to Amy that if in fact it’s Mike she’s dating, yes,
he’s dating a few other people, and possibly one seriously.
Of course, Mary did this out of nothing but love for Amy. She
just doesn’t want to see her get hurt, and Lucy already suspects
Mike is the great white shark of this dating pond. Mary and
Amy hug, all is well, and life marches on...
Until Two Days Later, When…
Mary comes home and finds a sobbing
Lucy in her room. Amy has gone to Mike and called him a liar,
cheat, fraud, and worse. She’s outted Mary, and Mike has made
the Lucy to Mary connection. Mike has called Lucy with an unforeseen
amount of anger and really let her have it. How dare she tell
anyone that they are dating? They aren’t dating.
They are just going on dates. There is a huge difference in
Mike’s opinion, apparently. He’s called her some unexpected
names, and let her know in no uncertain terms that they aren’t
dating or even “going on dates” anymore. In fact, they won’t
ever be speaking to each other again. Lucy is completely blindsided
by all of this. She knew that they weren’t “dating-dating.”
She knew full well that what they were doing amounted to little
more than just “going on a few dates” and possibly little more
than “duty-free dating.” When she had told Mary that Mike was
possibly ready for the next level, she meant moving from “casual,
hardly existent” dating to “actual” dating.
Is there a resolution to this story?
Yes, Mike stops dating both Lucy and Amy, and moves on to the
previously suspected but unforeseen Jane, and life goes on.
In a few more years, Lucy’s cousin will move into their ward,
become roommates with Amy, and casually meet Mike over the Cheetos
bowl at the next ward activity. It’s only a matter of time
until the same exact scenario plays out all over again, and
it’s all because of recycling.
We’re not dating new people. We’re
not really even meeting new people. We’re all meeting
and dating people that our friends have already met and dated.
In any given group of six girlfriends, four of them will have
been on at least one date with the Mike of the ward, one of
them will be secretly harboring a wish that Mike would ask her
out, and the sixth is making sure that Mike never gets the idea
that she would go out with him.
This torpid whirlpool of dating
is bound to produce a meltdown sooner or later. The worst part
of dating recycling is what it can do to girls’ friendships.
As most people know, girls are their own worst enemies. Rarely
do they take each other’s sides when it comes to love and war.
Is all fair in love and war? No way! There is nothing fair
about love. (We can’t speak to war, as we haven’t conducted
one yet. But we are generals of dating, so we can attest to
that.)
In the world of love, dating, and
recycling, nothing is fair, or even seemingly right at times.
Hearts get innocently broken all the time. Take the case of
Lucy and Mike. Mike liked her; there wasn’t a question about
that. One minute Lucy went to thinking Mike actually might
be considering for something other than a dinner companion,
and admittedly was a little jazzed about that, to suddenly being
told she’s a horrible person for making assumptions about their
relationship. But there’s one thing she just can’t shake.
What did Amy say to Mike that sparked such an awful response
in him? Lucy had this gut-sinking feeling that Amy may have
stretched the truth, or improvised on her words a bit. Mike
refused to listen to Lucy’s side of the story, and even more
adamantly refused to explain Amy’s. And now, there’s not just
love-lost between Mike and Lucy, but Lucy and Amy will spend
years avoiding each other in all social circles. And there’s
a strange distance and coldness between Amy and Mary that just
can’t be bridged. Not to mention the reputation Lucy will now
have among other single women for “exaggerating” her relationship
with a guy she knew all along she didn’t have a real relationship
with.
Bottom Line?
Meet new people who have absolutely
no connection to your current dating pool. It’s the only safe
way to date. In our humble opinions, as generals of the dating
game, one of the main reason people in largely populated regions
of the world turn to internet dating is to get fresh water into
their dating pool. But our research has started to show that
where one girlfriend is involved in internet dating, her friends
are also highly likely to do the same thing.
And a new unprecedented occurrence
is happening — five girls in Washington, D.C., are all interested
in a man they have never met in San Francisco, and none of them
know it. He, of course, thinks this is the greatest thing that
has ever happened to him. In fact, he is seriously considering
a job transfer to Washington DC, where apparently they really
have great women.
What he doesn’t know is that he
will only arrive in time to get dumped into the recycling
bin to wait impatiently for garbage day. How was he to know
that all five girls were good friends and had been talking about
him unknowingly for months on end? His arrival could truly
equal Sherman’s infamous march to the sea, where the notorious
leader burned and ransacked, pillaged and plundered his way
to his ultimate goal. Hearts will burn more fiercely than Atlanta, relationships
will shatter, friendships will fall, and hope will ponder
whether or not it’s worth it to rise again from the ashes.
Our suggestion? Get married young.
It’s your only hope. If you have any other ideas on how to solve
this problem, you know where to find us: erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.
On OMEFO and Other Assorted
Single Ailments
Donna in Nevada wrote to let us
know she, too, wishes she could find a human TiVo to help control
the scourge of OMEFO (open mouth and everything falls out) Syndrome.
Russell wrote to offer a hearty, “Good luck with that,” to Erin
Ann. Apparently some people have no problem finding the
right words? How nice…
Another problem plaguing the single
population of the world is a highly contagious disease that
actually infects the marrieds that are acquainted with singles
from all walks of life .This ailment is called HSSS Disease
(He’s single, she’s single), or Hiss, and its onset is usually
preceded by an ‘aha!’ look on the person’s face, followed by
a phrase such as this: “Ooh! Do you know (fill in the blank)?
You two should meet. You’re both single!” Usually people who
have Hiss haven’t considered occupation, temperament, personality,
interests, hobbies, or any other criteria they used to select
their own mate. The only reason they see for two people to meet
is they are single and Mormon, and therefore they will be a
perfect match!
Yola is a perfect example. She
is 36, divorced, and a single mom who was recently told by the
other singles in her ward that she should try to get together
with Betty’s father, a widower. Why should Yola meet this man?
Betty herself is nearly twice Yola’s age, and her aging father
is 86. As one well-meaning but misguided sister said, “He already
has one foot in the grave. You can make him happy and then inherit
all his money!” She was so excited at the thought, she actually
squealed like a school girl, while Yola tried for several long,
painful moments to regain the power of speech.
Married people of the world, we
beg of you to think a little harder before you suggest a meeting
between two people. Singles are not looking to get married
just to get married — we want to experience the same joy and
twitterpation and full-on jolt of falling in love and realizing
that you are with the person you will be with forever that you
got to experience. Finding a companion is difficult, but not
so much that we are willing to take just anyone because he happens
to be there.
Thanks, and we’ll see you next
time!
