Verbal Issues, or Why Do I Sound Like a Total Idiot?
By Erin A. McBride, OMEFO survivor, and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, who has no one to blame for the same problem

Ladies and Gentlemen, we finally have a diagnosis for the common medical problem of being completely, totally unable to forge together a coherent sentence in the presence of the opposite gender. No applause, please. You’ll just make us blush.

What Is OMEFO?

I have a little problem, and I blame it entirely on Men in Uniform. It’s a little problem I like to call, “Open Mouth and Everything Falls Out,” also known as OMEFO. OMEFO, (pronounced “Ohm-Foh”) I have sadly discovered, is a chronic disease that flares up every time a Man in Uniform, also known as a MU, (pronounced “Moo”) enters my presence.

Exactly what is OMEFO? Basically it’s when everything you wish could have kept inside your head forever comes flying forth unbidden right out of your mouth, in your own voice, and horrifies you for how completely ridiculous it is. (Some people call it a run-on sentence; I call it OMEFO.) And it only gets worse in the presence of a man with his last name attached to his uniform. I will pretty much admit to anything and never be known for keeping a secret for more than the amount of time it takes for me to reach my cell phone. But in the presence of a MU, (or when cornered by any type of person), just about the stupidest things ever will fall right out of my mouth unbidden.

For example, recently a MU was ever so kind as to flirt with me briefly. It is possible that the conversation wouldn’t have been so brief if I had some sort of verbal backspace key, but I don’t. And therefore, it was a short-lived flirt session. The MU began some simple and yet friendly banter, obviously attempting to gauge my interest in him. I think he said something clever and witty like, “Nice weather today.” I could have said many things in response, such as, “Yes, it is quite lovely.” Or, “The breeze feels so nice.”

But the sight of a tall man with brown hair and blue eyes filling out his service uniform ever so nicely made me say, “Yes, there is weather today. You know where they have a lot of weather? Florida. The weather moves so fast there, it is just amazing. Have you ever been to Florida? You should really go. They have a roller coaster there called ‘The Hulk’ and it goes upside down and your feet hang, and it’s really cool. It’s at Islands of Adventure at Universal Studios. And when you go there, sometimes they let green cars in free. So make sure you get a green car. If you have to rent a car, make sure you don’t do it at the Orlando airport, because they have terrible service there. But you know where they do have good service? Little Rock. But then again, why would you want to go to Little Rock? I had the worst luck with restaurants in Little Rock. There were these bikers at the Waffle House, and they kept staring at me. So stay away from that place too. Unless of course you like bikers. Do you have a bike?”

D’oh… that was bad!

Seriously, it can be that bad. Why the intelligent part of my brain didn’t kick in and respond with the usual, “Yeah, nice weather. The sun feels good.” I will never know. Maybe it wasn’t just the uniform; it was the mere fact that a good-looking man completely caught me off-guard. But then again, non-good-looking men in uniform have had this effect on me as well. So who knows? Either way, me and my OMEFO need help.

Do you know how many perfectly good men will never know I’m an intelligent interesting woman because of my little OMEFO problem? Or how many times I have desperately needed a Human TiVo system, where I could just hit the live-time rewind and start my mouth all over again? Hundreds, possibly thousands. Or how often I have wished I could ask the guy not to ask me something as simple or easy as “How are you?” I just might do better if he asked me a complex political question instead. At least then my answer would require thought and concentration.

OMEFO doesn’t just make me say stupid things; it makes me say completely wrong things as well. I once heard myself tell someone I have three brothers. I don’t! I have one brother and two sisters. But once you have said something just that stupid, there is no way to take it back and fix it without looking just that much more stupid. This would be a good time to use the word, “stupider.” I would only look stupider.

Why Can’t I Fix It???

The sad part is that sometimes after you have had a bad outbreak of OMEFO, you just can’t talk to the lovely MU that caused it. You just have to accept that you qualify as “stupider” and walk away. You feel bad. You want so badly to erase your stupider moments and find a way to tell the MU that you can do better. You really are worth one more try, but only with proper notice and no sudden movements. But you have learned from sad (and humiliating) experience, that attempting to explain this to the MU only makes you that much more susceptible to another break of OMEFO.

For instance, he is highly unlikely to give you a second chance when you say this, “Hi, I know I just told you my name is Janey, but it’s not. It’s Andy. I mean Annie. Really, my name is Andy I mean Annie. I just sometimes get a little flustered in new situations. I’m sorry. Really, I can do much better than this. I even went to college. I’m very smart, I just don’t sound like it sometimes. Really stupider things come out of my mouth? Did you ever see that Chris Rock movie where he says, ‘Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?’ Well, that is how I feel sometimes. It can be really funny sometimes. I say seriously dumber things! Once I told this guy that I had a twin sister. But I don’t! “I mean, I have a sister. And we do look alike, but we’re not twins. Does that make sense? So do you like Thai food?”

Not many guys stick around after that outbreak.

The Medical Community Pays No Attention

OMEFO is a terrible disease, and there is a shocking lack of doctors trying to cure it. So I am begging all of the men with their last names on their shirts, to please have a little sympathy and patience with me. I promise OMEFO is not contagious, and it does go away after 2 or 3 dates. Please, please, have some patience with me!

And what is the point in having your own column if you can’t use it to fix your own OMEFO problems, once in a while? There is one particular “MU” who deserves a personal apology and a public begging for my more recent OMEFO outbreaks. But I can’t be entirely blamed he was wearing that darn uniform! How bad was it? I got my birthplace wrong, and was too embarrassed to correct myself. And then I claimed to have invented the Internet, or something like that. Al Gore wasn’t too pleased with me.

And I wish it had only happened once. But no, it happens nearly every time I am in his presence. With or without his uniform, he causes some serious OMEFO outbreaks. Really, it’s a compliment to him, but something tells me my “stupider alter-ego” (who was apparently not born in the US) may just get in the way of that. So, Mr. MU, when you are ready to stop causing my outbreaks, I hope you’ll give me one more chance to prove I’m not quite as stupider as you think I am. And that you will forgive me for publicly calling you “Mr. MU.” (Not that I’ve ever called him that in private. Or anybody that. Maybe I just shouldn’t call him Mr. MU at all. Maybe, “Mr. Uniform Man?” Or, “My Personal MU?” With my luck, I would probably call him my personal muu-muu, and he would likely get offended that I just referred to him as a large floral house coat.

There is no winning with OMEFO.

There is only one cure that we know of so far, although we here at A Single Thought are using our research facilities to create some sort of mouth harness or muzzle to prevent more serious outbreaks. While some will suffer around men in uniform, others succumb around a particularly hot Sunday School teacher, graduates of BYU’s law school, or a particularly tasty batch of brownies. Therefore until we have found the medical cure, we will let you know when the muzzle is ready for sale.

Do you suffer from OMEFO, or have you in the past? Please share your tale of woe with us at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

For Shay

The Lindas of the world have united in offering advice and encouragement for our girl Shay, who wrote in recently after breaking up with a man who was very critical of her.

Linda #1 had this to say: “This is a perfect example of how much one person’s negative and controlling attitude and words can do to the other person in a relationship.

“Shay, you need to realize what he has done to you. He has robbed you of a vital part of yourself and you need to find it again. You say that he wasn’t all bad, that he would praise you and make you feel good, but it was when he wanted to. Don’t be confused here. He was a controller who manipulated you. Put things into perspective so you can finish your grieving process (which is very real and necessary) and move forward, restoring your self-esteem.

“When something negative happens to any of us, it leaves scars for life, but we are in control of how big those scars are and how they affect our future. Remember who you were before this relationship began and focus on recovering that person. Let this be a great learning experience to help you in the future. Surround yourself with positive people and do positive things. Most important, read the scriptures and call upon your Heavenly Father to help you. Always include Heavenly Father in your relationships, right from the beginning. This will greatly multiply the possibility of having the ’happily ever after’ outcome that we all look forward to.”

Great advice! Linda #2 added upon the advice of the first. She said, “We have all been Shay at one time in our lives. The good news is she can use this latest experience to really take a good look at herself, and ask all the hard questions: Why didn't I see who he really was? What part of me was okay with being criticized? Have I done this before with other men? Why was I willing to settle? Why didn't I realize this was verbal abuse?

“Did you get that last one? This guy is abusive. He doesn't throw his fist; he hits you with words instead, which hurt just as bad, but take much longer to heal. If Shay does not ask herself the hard questions, then she runs the risk of attracting the same kind of man.”

Amen to that, sister! Men and women are both susceptible to verbal abuse — both the giving and the taking. Our words should uplift, not destroy. If someone does not make you feel great, if you constantly worry about what you say, how you look, or how your significant other will react to what you do, you’re with the wrong person. Granted, no relationship will ever be perfect, but at the end of the day, the thought of spending time with that person should make you relax and look forward to your time together, not get all stressed.

And that’s all she wrote. Ciao!