Mork from Ork lied to us
all and I’m suing.
By Erin A. McBride
and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, children of the 80’s
This column is lovingly dedicated
to all the single parents out there reading this.
Nanoo-Nanoo!
TV has lied to me again, and in
more ways than one. As a child I was led to believe that on
the planet Ork, babies were hatched out of giant shells and
started out bigger than their parents. They were sweet and
lovable, worshipped you, and compliantly did as they were asked.
Eventually they shrank and apparently became hairy like Robin
Williams, and preferred to wear green baseball jerseys with
khakis and rainbow suspenders (we think the suspenders were
for helping out with that whole inverted meditation thing, head
on the couch, legs folded mid-air.)
Eventually, as they aged, they
got smaller and smaller, while they gained more and more wisdom.
We’re pretty sure that guy Mork reported to was so old and wise
he had shrunk down to nothing but a voice box. However, I’m
here to tell you this is completely, totally impossible. No
civilization ever could have survived if the children were bigger
than their parents. The only leverage parents really have over
their children is size. And trust me, size matters.
How do I know this? Because I've been "house-sitting"
for my parents this past week. The house comes complete with
two dogs and two teenage children. To be perfectly honest, an
experience like this is enough for my tubes to tie themselves.
I've determined that the only reason parenting works is because
the parents start out bigger. Size and the ability to forcibly
train and brainwash children makes a huge difference. Because
let me tell you, right now I have nothing on these kids. They
are bigger than me—taller, heavier, stronger, etc. I can't make
them do anything. They call my bluff on everything.
We are two days into the school
week, and therefore on the second day the sixteen year old has
skipped school. The eighteen year old high school graduate has
not left the couch in four days, and continues to sit there
playing video games. If you think I am exaggerating and that
he must leave the video games to use the little boy’s room,
you are wrong. He takes the laptop in there with him (Thereby
also ensuring that no one else will ever touch his laptop).
What happened to the cute little
brother and sister that used to adore me, and play "Princess"
with me? (Princess is a great game where the big older sister,
(the ‘Princess,’ also known as me) stays in bed on a Saturday
morning while the little Duke and Duchess bring her breakfast.)
What happened to the little brother and sister that lived for
the weekends their parents would leave so that they could play
games and eat ice cream all day with their big sister? Apparently,
those children are gone. I blame it entirely on Mork.
And don’t even get me started
on MacGyver
I have struggled with whether or
not to defame my beloved MacGyver.
After all, I don’t think he meant
to mislead me. I’m sure such a compassionate and intelligent
man would never intentionally lead me astray. But the truth
must be told—MacGyver lied, too. A faithful follower of his
good deeds around the world, I thought I knew how to fix a car.
After all, I had seen him do it on his show several times.
All a messed up engine really requires is a red silk scarf,
chewing gum, 2 hairpins, and the screwdriver I keep in the bottom
of my nicest leather purse for such emergencies. Years of watching
MacGyver had taught me that if my heels are just tall enough,
the wind is blowing just right, and I wear my most distraught
look (the red lipstick is optional), a man in a jean jacket
will show up, ask for my purse contents, and fix my car. I’m
here to tell you that it is true that men in jean jackets will
look at you, and some will even offer to look at your car, but
not one of them will ask you for the red scarf or hairpins.
Does this mean that I really can’t
build a bomb out of my yarn, knitting needles, and hand lotion
next time I’m stuck inside a bank vault and need to get out?
I am so disillusioned! Why isn’t it all like they told me it
should be?
Welcome to the Real World
Unfortunately, we live in the real
world but somehow trust the alternate universe of TV to give
us the happy ending we expected. The hard truth is that we
expect the media’s perfect ending (and in that ending, our thighs
are thin, so we love their ending) but it can’t even get close
to reality. Being a parent is tough, and doing it alone is
even tougher, and trying to do all that on top of searching
for another happy ending is the most difficult thing of all.
The great part about all this, though, is that their cutesy,
little, perfect wrap up has nothing on the good times we have
with our families, assuming all hands are washed and the laptop
disinfected, and they actually go to school like they are supposed
to. The only feature I wish we could install in our kids is
DVR, so we could skip over the parts where they get called to
the principal’s office or get caught throwing pebbles at the
BMW of the mean, cranky rich guy who has a mean, effective lawyer.
We could also replay the great parts, like the trip to the water
park where they tell you what a cool parent you are, or that
one family prayer that just shook everything up and made you
realize that moments like that are what it’s all about.
I guess it doesn’t matter so much
if Mork lied. I’m still a little bitter, but I’ll get over
it. I would, however, like to find out how he does that upside
down on the head thing. That could come in handy in yoga class.
You Said…
A woman who asked to be signed
“curious but in no way tempted” sent us some fairly intriguing
information on a man she met online. She sent this to us. See
if you can make any more sense out of it than we can, since
we are rather stumped.
“Relationship Status Single: never been married
Children: 5+
Children home: 1
Temple status: holds current recommend
Church activity: I go almost all of the time
LDS mission: No
Education: Master's degree
Field of Work: sales
“Do either of you see a problem
with a guy who has five kids but has never been married, has
a temple recommend but misses meetings, has a master's degree
and works in sales?” Uh…we’re rather stumped, Ms. Curious.
Is his screen mantra something like, ‘I Can’t Commit to Anything’?
Shay sent us the following true
story, with a little plea at the end. “I was dating this guy
pretty seriously. Things went great at first, I thought
he was promising, so I decided to stay home from BYU, just for
a semester, to see where things went, trying to put my priorities
in the right place. I took some classes at home in the
meantime. I am even in his family picture!
“Well, as time went on, I started
noticing how much he spoke about his past girlfriends, and how
unkindly he thought of them. He criticized silly things
and I could sense the extreme feelings of ‘I can't believe I
was ever seen with her’ feelings he seemed to have. He
also spoke unkindly about others, and I started to think, ‘Oh
no, what if he feels like that about me one day? What
if I do something wrong?’ So I started to evaluate EVERYTHING
I did and said, in attempts to make sure I didn't make him have
any unkind feelings towards me. I just wanted him to be
happy, and then I would be happy.
Eventually, he started doing the
same thing to me, criticizing little things, like how I
didn't eat all the food I put on my plate, or how I didn't turn
my head long enough when I was looking over my shoulder while
driving. Now, I am not saying that he was all bad, because
he also would praise me and he knew how to make me feel good,
when he made that effort, and he was very
active in the church. He just had some excellent qualities.
But the criticism made me afraid when I was around him.
Needless to say, I started feeling pretty low about myself,
and I was constantly full of anxiety, and just couldn't talk
to him anymore. He eventually broke up with me, and
I am still struggling with feeling good about myself, even after
five months of being away from him.
Guys, please, please, try hard
not to be concerned with things that have nothing to do with
eternity, or else you will NEVER be happy with those you date,
and eventually, never be happy with your wife or yourself.
And she will not be happy, either. Maybe we girls can
be ultra sensitive and what not, and I am sorry! It would be
tough, we know. Maybe it is part of the maternal instinct,
I don’ know, but please, please be aware of the effects that
pickiness has on others!”
We agree with her right up the
very end part, where she apologizes for girls being too sensitive.
Women, in no way should you apologize for being who you are
if you are trying your hardest to do the right thing. Same
goes for you, guys. Any man or woman who criticizes someone
and tries to change them, or manipulate them into being something
they aren’t, is the one with the problem. Who really
wants to spend eternity with someone determined to change them?
Isn’t the whole point to learn and grow together? We wish Shay
the best of luck, and tell her not to worry about that insecure
guy anymore. Move on and find someone who deserves you and
loves you for who you are!
We also recommend that girls not
stay home from school to see if things will get serious with
a guy. If it’s meant to be, things can happen after you graduate
too. The prophet has encouraged all of us to get an education
or learn a trade, with no disclaimer that it’s okay to stop
after you’re married. It’s a crazy world we live in, and I
think many of our single parents out there will vouch for the
fact that sometimes happily ever after doesn’t always happen.
This is just one more way we can heed the counsel to be prepared
for anything.
What do you think? Anymore advice
for Shay? Any comments or nanoo-nanoos? Please let us know.
Send us a note at this e-mail: erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com
