So, What’s Your Phase?
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell

“It is remarkable how similar the pattern of love is to the
pattern of insanity.”
Merovingian from Matrix Revolutions.

Thankfully, another Valentines’ Day (or “Singles Awareness Day” as some may choose to call it) has come and gone.  If you aren’t bloated from excessive chocolate consumption, bitter that another one has come and gone and you’re still alone, or floating higher than the pink and red, shiny Mylar balloon you just got, you might just be wondering where you stand.  And when we say stand, we mean romantically.  So what’s your phase?

Each of us, from the giggly girl who doodles a guy’s last name next to her first on her English comp book, to the old married folk, is in a romantic phase.  Wouldn’t it be great if we could just walk up to people who look interesting and instead of using that cheesy line, “Hey baby, what’s your sign?” that thankfully died with disco back in the 70’s, we could ask instead, “What’s your phase?” How cool would it be to know exactly where a person is? No more wondering and figuring it out alone.  You’d know right away if a person is in a phase compatible with your own!

But until we officially start a dating revolution, this probably won’t happen.  Instead you need to know what signs to look for, so you can tell what phase the object of your desire is in.

Premantic Phase

Premantic: Someone who has no clue yet what love is.

Premantics are in love with the idea of love itself.  As Eric Fromm said, “Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'"  These people think that love is great, fun, the answer to all life’s problems, and they love the hottest/nicest/sweetest/etc. person around. Whoever is there.

Whatever!  They still haven’t distinguished the difference between real love and a mind-numbing, ear tingling kiss.  We’re all in favor of kisses, of course. Who wouldn’t be? Especially mind-numbing kisses.  But it’s easy to lust after the ward flavor of the month, while it’s not so easy to love that person, and expecting that person to love you even harder still!

Anyone with a watermelon and a few hours of spare time can become a great kisser.  Not everyone can love you forever.  Premantics haven’t grasped that concept yet and are most likely very flighty in whom they like and for how long that feeling lasts. 

Obsessed With Finding Someone Phase

Obsessed: Someone who is so infatuated with the goal of finding someone and/or getting married that he is actually a little scary.

This phase is also known as the “trying way, way too hard” phase or the “bull in a china shop” phase.  Ole! Toro!  This really should be self-explanatory.  You may recognize yourself as in this phase if you do the following:

We’d love to tell this person just to give it up, but if you don’t have hope, what do you have?  The obsessed phase is a more aggressive extension of the premantic phase.  There is no danger in this unless it sort of mutates into stalking, which, sadly, has been known to happen.  The best thing for the obsessed person to learn is that sometimes trying too hard is worse than not trying at all.  We’ve received scores of emails from women who have told us that they tried and tried but came up empty, but when they decided to let it go and be happy, they found the one they ended up marrying.

We’ve also received email from people who set goals for themselves in finding or maintaining and growing the relationship, so we’re not saying to give up entirely.  Instead of being there all the time, back off a bit.  Make people ask about you and wonder where you are, as hard as it may be.  Think of what Nan Fairbrother said: “The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection, and not a fountain; to show them we love them not when we feel like it, but when they do.”  It’s a tricky balancing act.

Treading Water

Treader: Someone who has jumped into the dating pool feet first, and is trying hard just to stay afloat and not get dragged out by the rip tide.

"The art of love ... is largely the art of persistence," said Albert Ellis, and we agree.  The treader can also be called the dater, someone who is dating many, a few, or just one.  The treader is anyone and everyone in the local dating pool, from the perfect swimmers, to the guy who keeps getting forced under water by other swimmers.  There are those who keep waiting on the boogie boards, just beyond the breakers, trying to catch just one wave, while it seems like everyone around them keeps riding wave after perfect wave into the shore.  Sometimes the treader gets frustrated and tries to paddle back into shore, willing to give it all up.  At that moment, the wave somehow picks him up and helps him glide into shore, and in a glorious tumble of foaming water and sand he forgets how long it took the wave to find him, and he happily paddles back out to wait for the next.

Keep trying.  You have lots of fellow boogie boarders out there with you, so have some fun and enjoy the ride!

Romantic Phase

This phase is self-explanatory. ‘Nuff said.

The romantic person is involved in a relationship.  Sometimes, more than we care to admit, those of us in other phases are sickened by people in this phase that we know and respect.  It’s a scary thing to watch a strong, independent person become a quivering mass of pink Jell-O with marshmallows and carrot shavings when they enter this phase. 

While the rest of us tend to gag at outrageous eruptions of PDA frequently displayed by people who have recently moved into this phase, we’ll get over it.  Enjoy your happiness together — we’ll try not to gag to your face when you and your new love devolve into sophomoric renditions of, “I love you — no I love YOU!” and then burst into laughter while you collapse into each other’s arms for a quiet moment of bliss.  We’ll leave you alone while we fetch the Milk of Magnesia.

Lao Tzu said, “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage."  If this relationship works out, hurray for you!  Sometimes each relationship is just meant to teach us something else we’ll need to survive and thrive in the next one, which just might be The One.  Really loving someone is a hard thing to do, especially if you have lost a love before, but hopefully the memory of happiness will give you the courage to keep trying when you move into our next phase.

Post-Romantic Stress Disorder, or PRSD

PRSD: the stage of mourning that follows an exit from the Romantic Phase

Javan said, “Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion."  We’re not exactly sure who Javan is, but we think he’s right.  Sometimes it wasn’t really love.  It might have been just that fabulous kiss, or maybe the love we extended was not returned in kind, in the same way or intensity.  Your heart is breaking, and we understand.  Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. 

To friends of those suffering PRSD, we ask that you give your friend time to recover.  It’s not such an easy thing to put your heart out on the display table, and think you were going home, only to have it returned for the full refund.  We know you know someone perfect for your friend, but just give them some time.  Use the half-again rule to know when it’s time to try setting them up.  If they dated someone for a year before breaking up, give them six months.  If they dated for four months, wait two.  If they dated someone for two weeks, there really shouldn’t be a mourning period so go for it (if you have their blessing, of course. No surprises allowed when you invite them over for dinner.)

So, baby, what’s your phase?  Let us know your thoughts at erinandjuli@yahoo.com.

Belated Un-Ode to Valentine’s Day

Did you get what you hoped for on Valentine’s Day?  Don’t worry about it.  We didn’t either, but we scored very nicely in the candy aisle the day after.  How can you say no to chocolate peanut butter hearts on 75% markdown? 

In our humble opinion, Valentine’s Day is just another marketing ploy to get us to shell out money for things we don’t need to buy.  We love our chocolate — you know that! — but does that cocoa-wrapped piece of heaven really tell someone how you feel?  If we really need a sugar-laden confection to say we care, there’s a problem.  Sometimes, this day just makes people give things, spend money, and say things they aren’t quite ready to say.  Why do we need to celebrate a pagan holiday designed by ancient Romans to celebrate bird mating anyway?

This doesn’t mean we’re anti-Valentine’s Day.  If someone is offering chocolate, or any present now that we think of it, of course we’ll accept!  We here at a Single Thought encourage people to express how they feel when they actually feel it.  Hallmark isn’t in charge of when or how you say you care. 

Missed Connections

Apparently our article two weeks ago (“Missed Connections”) really struck a chord with women who had crushes on the Osmond boys back in the day — Jay and Jimmy in particular.  (And here we are, foolish young ladies who thought all girls loved Donny.  You mean there were other brothers?)  Several of our readers were madly in love with Jay, took classes with him, ran into him in the street, watched him from behind bushes at the mall… we’re hoping Jay hasn’t been scarred for life.  (But greatly amused at the repetitive subject matter.  Are there any currently single Osmonds?  We’re just asking.) 

Our favorite confession came from Judith.  “My most memorable missed connection was when I took a Preparation for Celestial Marriage class at the Institute on Main Street in Provo.  My teen idol, Jay Osmond, was in the same class.  After one class he offered me and a friend a ride home.  We said no, that we had a short walk home.  How stupid can one get?!?!?!?!?!”

After all, money is the root of most marital strife…

This story has nothing to do with famous singing families.  Darlene wrote:

Dear John, or Jane, as the case may be 

Steve emailed to tell us about the one that got away.  He said, “[This girl] was talented and smart and everything else an LDS guy would want.  And she liked me. About that time, I received my call to serve in a mission in the Far East.  I went, and, as expected, we started to write.  Strangely, my expectations for the content of her letters, I realize now, was different than what she was willing to provide.  I wanted love letters.  She was committed — even more than I could have dreamed — and wrote inspirational letters.  After several months of corresponding, I became indignant that her letters weren't filled with more passion and stopped writing. What a mistake! She must have gotten the hint... she stopped writing, too.”

We wonder if things didn’t happen exactly as they should have in these cases. If these two couples were truly meant to marry, it might have been easier to get over these things.  Steve might have kept writing anyway, just in case.  Darlene might not have gotten so upset over the guy’s tactics.  She might have been freaked out, which is natural when you realize, “Holy bovine, I think I’m going to marry this person!”  If it were truly meant to be, they would have reconciled.  Sometimes it’s easier to wonder about things that might be instead of dealing with your current reality.  To this we say enjoy your fantasy, then move on.  Live your life in the now, instead of the good old days.

And in the now, today, the candy hearts are still on sale!  Hurry!  Pick up a box or two for us while you’re at it!

Thanks and have a great week.