Missed Connections
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell

For those who keep kicking themselves over the one that might have been, yet wasn’t, read on!

A Little Story

He was wandering the aisles at the library, looking for do-it-yourself books on how to install shelving in his rented condo.  He was hoping to find a manual on how to install them so the super wouldn’t notice, but his need for extra storage overrode his need for the return of his full security deposit.  He would add the needed bookshelves, take them down later, and deal with it then.  He had no intention of moving in the next little while, but you just never know what might happen.  So on a Saturday afternoon, this random single was hanging out in the library, something he hadn’t done since his senior project in college.

His hands reached for one book and he flipped through it absent-mindedly, stepping back as creamy voice said, “Excuse me, please.”

Sure, he murmured as he stepped back, glancing up as the woman passed him and stopped just next to him, checking for books on home improvement herself.  He looked back at his book, but he had to admit that his eyes were no longer poring over the glossy pictures of brackets and shelves.  He was watching the beautiful woman next to him.

He had just found the girl of his dreams.

Oh yes, a girl like this could make him give up football on Sunday.  A girl like this made metal brackets, nay, even his power tools, seem inconsequential.  She was Paige from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and Angelina Jolie (before life was the Pitts) all rolled into one.  He had never seen such beauty, grace, and knowledge of router bits in one person. 

This could be it! He realized, as his palms began to sweat, that this girl was the one worth focusing on eternity.  His voice caught in his throat when she smiled up at him, said in husky voice, “Excuse me,” one more time, and sidled past again and slid out of his life.  The girl of his dreams had stood right next to him, and he had stood there like a complete idiot, salivating like Pavlov’s dog while he stared at her as if she were a doggie biscuit.  Should he run after her?

He tucked the book he held under his arm and joined the line to check out a little hardback wisdom, glancing at the door each time it opened.  He ardently hoped it was his future wife returning to tell him she felt the same attraction and maybe inviting him to share a passion fruit smoothie sometime.  He looked around the parking lot one more time before he drove away, shaking his head.  He never knew what he had really missed.

But It’s Not Always So Romantic…

Just ask a little writer we’ll call Juli, because she’s already married and therefore not afraid to let the skeletons in her closet come out to dance.  Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, a little writer named Juli was a complete and total social mess.  She had no idea how to approach guys, and if there happened to be a blue moon during the eighth Saturday of the month and a guy felt the odd urge to speak with her, precious little came of it.  

One day, though, somehow things lined up cosmically, fatefully, when she met a guy after class at the Hardee’s as she snatched some quick post-lecture fuel.  The line was impossible, and they had both decided to get the sourdough ham and cheese. Yum! Perhaps they could share some more of what they had in common over lunch?

The excitement of the prospect must have been too much for her little bladder to handle, so she excused herself as her friend kept their place in the sluggish line.  One more quick glance at him and his friends as she vanished into the little girl’s room.  She lined the seat, as she always has and always will when there is a lack of seat liners, did what had to be done, and scurried back out.  She didn’t want the girl at the register hitting on her new man!

Something was different.  The guy wouldn’t make eye contact with her as she rejoined the line.  He and his friends kept whispering among themselves, looking over at her, very obviously not hiding their laughter.  It only took a few moments for her to realize, as her friend yanked the tell-tale evidence from the back of her pants, that she had brought out a little souvenir of her visit to the bathroom.  Oh yeas, she had, and it was dangling from the back of her black pants in all its white glory.  Score one for public hygiene, score zero for Juli.

Who knows what might have been, had not the potty been such a cruel prankster? 

And then there was this other writer, we’ll just not call her Erin Ann. Once upon a time she met this cool guy online.  They conversed, emailed, “IM-ed,” etc.  But then one day, he just up and disappeared.  No goodbye note.  No warning signs.  Nothing.  Just gone into the cyberspace.  It’s not much of a story, but hey, it filled up a paragraph in an otherwise short column.  Missed connections happen to the best of us, right?

This is what kills us sometimes — we agonize too much over what might have been, and second guess our decisions.  Once again, we tell you to get over it.  The girl in the library ain’t coming back. The image of the toilet paper is burned into his mind.  Any chance that might have been was literally flushed away.  This isn’t to say that there’s no chance left.  We just need to remember that if it’s really meant to be, the chance will present itself again.

And what about you, our fearless readers?  Any missed connections you still wonder about?  Let us know at erinandjuli@yahoo.com.  We’re looking for your missed connection story.  Was it the guy in your 500 student religion class that you never could approach?  Your favorite waitress at TGI Friday’s who always seemed to smile extra just for you?  Or the best dance partner you ever had who slipped off into the darkness like Cinderella, never to be seen again?  Send it to us! Let us help you find him or her!

Calling Cards and More

Kolache Lynn wrote with an addition to our list of dating calling cards.  She said, “Offering another card for the collection: ‘Do not even *think* about reproducing with this man!   Life would be a whole lot easier for innocent children and, reasonably, innocent women if some men came with that label plastered on their foreheads!   And yes, in the spirit of inclusion there really ought to be one for the good brethren that warns them away from some of our sisters.  In the meantime, I'd like a ream of those ‘dinner and conversation’ cards.  That's frankly where I'm most comfortable, these days.”  Aren’t we all?  Thanks, Lynn!

Geo wrote, “In one of the singles wards I went to when I was in college, I could have sworn that the bishop (bless his heart) was a frustrated cattle auctioneer.  I always felt like he was on the verge of pulling some poor soul onto the stand so all the ‘bidders’ could see what was on the market.  Now, I know his heart was in the right place, and I hate to speak ill of a good man, but there was certainly an attitude of matching Brother A with Sister B as quickly as possible, and then on to the next couple.

“Fortunately, by the time I got back from my mission, the new bishopric had a different perspective.  But my point (and it’s been expressed in your column) is that no one can say that every member of the Church should be married by the time they are a certain age.

“I also think that this problem is bigger for the women than it is for the men, unfortunately.  My wife lived in Provo for a time after serving a mission, and quickly found that she had passed the local expiration date, simply because she was a returned sister missionary.  She felt like an utter pariah (at least from a dating perspective), and her situation only really improved when she moved far, far away (to Virginia, actually).  It seems like it’s much more acceptable for a man to be older and not married than it is for a woman.  I have no idea why.”

Good points, Geo. Thanks!  If anyone knew the answer to that question, we probably would be out of work.  But in the greater interest of the public, if we ever figure out why girls face this sort of subtle social prejudice more than guys, we’ll let you know before accepting our Nobel Dating Prize and moving to Switzerland for more intensive research.

Thanks again, y’all, and have a great week!