Calling Cards For Dating
By Juli Hiatt Caldwell, married and happy, and Erin Ann McBride, single and looking for a best friend

It only takes one misunderstood “almost relationship” to come to the conclusion that Hallmark is seriously lacking in the "what I want from this relationship" card department. Dating has become so complicated that it is impossible to really know what the other person is looking for.  Because dating is all about games and hiding your true intentions, because, heaven forbid, you put yourself out there and sort of pretty much kinda let your feelings be known, and then getting your heart shoved right back down your own throat. And nobody really wants that, so we play games instead. 

Dating has become a gigantic life long game of Monopoly, where we roll the dice, move forward, pay the rent, and occasionally get stuck in dating jail, unable to do anything to fix our situation except keep on rolling dice.

Everyone is looking for something different and no one ever really knows what that is. Getting asked out on a date no longer means that you are both looking for an eternal commitment.  Some people are just looking for a free dinner.  Some are looking for a movie partner.  Some people are just looking for a “friend with benefits.”  And some people have no idea what they are looking for.

Sometimes you meet someone, you think they are fun, you enjoy a few conversations, and it all seems so easy at that point. But no, that is where the fun and easy ends. You roll the dice, land on “North Carolina Avenue,” fall for the cute homeowner, but then on the next roll, where you are hoping to buy the house next door on “Pennsylvania Avenue” you overthrow the dice, land on Chance, and have to sit out the next three rounds. 

For the past year we have politely described to you what you want to think dating is like, mixed in with what dating is really like.  Today we bring you 100% honesty.  If you are offended by how honest we are, we aren’t going to apologize.  We’ve told you the truth and it isn’t our job to make married people think happy things about dating.  Our job is to let singles know that they aren’t alone.  So today we bring you the absolute truth about dating and set it in terms the singles will completely understand, right down to “friends with benefits,” “I did it for the discount,” and “NCMO’s.”  Some things just have to be said.

First, if you are going to date someone, you have to meet someone just to have all of these problems.  Good luck with that.  For some people it is as easy as walking into the chapel on Sunday.  For others it takes years of nothingness to finally meet someone half decent to pay for dinner.  And for others, it happens a few times a year, and they never can figure out when or why it happens. “Were my pheromones actually working?  Why did that guy actually take the bait?  What was different today??”  After you meet them, and shockingly enough a date is asked for, there is the complete agony of the goodnight kiss, and whether or not to go for it.  And during the doorstep scene there is the complete mystery of “Do they like me?”  “Am I boring?”  “Did I eat too many jalapenos with my burrito??”

So let’s say you survive the first date, and we all know that sometimes you wonder if you really will.  Because, who are we kidding, most first dates really are painful most of the time.  Right up until you have gone on the first date there is a lot of vague, "what if?" But the truth is, it gets worse after the first date. If you call too soon, email, IM, text, etc, it can come off as way too eager. And even if you do really like the person, you don't want to send an overzealous message and scare them off. But then you don't want to wait too long either and send the message that you have little interest. It’s awful, and it is the same for both parties.  No one can ever tell you what to do.  (Although we all know you’ll ask a dozen people in the meantime.)

And then there is the second date. Suddenly there is pressure to really show your true colors, be yourself. Test the waters; see if the person likes you. And then there is still the kissing dilemma.  Kissing is no longer taboo on the first date, let alone on the second date. So do you? Don't you? Who knows? Too soon? Too eager?   No one will ever know but the two of you.  Sorry, we can’t really help you there either.  But if it helps, we have all felt your pain.

And then the third date comes along. A third date usually means, "I like you." Because really, why would you ask someone out for a third time if you don’t like them?  But again you have this big awful scary rejection choice. If you have made it to date 3, you both hopefully have some degree of interest in the other. You must want to get to know the other person better. There is never another reason to go on the third date, except for those instances when you did go for the kiss or more on the second date, and you just feel obligated to go on the third, even if you have lost interest already. That is where the real confusion begins.

Enter the Dating Calling Card

That is where the "dating calling card" comes in. Dating would be so much easier if everyone could just come with labels on them. For instance, labels that read, "Only looking for a make-out buddy." "Only interested in dinner and conversation." "Serious issues with commitment." "Looking to get married ASAP." "I only want to be friends." “May actually be normal enough to just want to go on a few dates and get to know you.” "Only going out with you to get a discount on my car repairs.” And last but not least, “I’ll buy you dinner, but what I really want is a NCMO.” 

How much easier would dating be if you just knew from the get-go what they were looking for?

Maybe labels are a bit much. But we could start having required mandated conversations at the beginning of a date and at the end of the date. "I'm Annie and I'm looking for a boyfriend," at the beginning of the date. And then at the end of the date, "You are fun and cuter than I expected. But not quite what I'm looking for. I’m over thirty and it has been six years since my last relationship.  I need some action, so I'm offering you "friends with benefits" status. What do you think?" And his part of the conversation would go something like this at first, "I'm a guy, therefore I'm only interested in a physical relationship." And then later, "Hey, a no-strings attached relationship with options on the weekends works for me."

I am sure by this point we have offended several people.  But that won’t change the fact that this is what dating is really like now.  It is no longer sitting in a sewing room with a chaperone leading a dull conversation.  When you are more likely to meet your next date dancing in a dark room, followed by some close slow dancing, chances are slim that your first date is going to be spent drinking hot chocolate while discussing your favorite scriptures.  The dating games have gone so far that instead we spend all of our time hiding what it is we really want and not anywhere near enough getting to what we want, regardless of what that is.

So what are we offering?  Nothing.  We’re just telling it like it is.  We’re telling you that yes, we know that on the next roll of the dice you will probably land on that “Community Chest” spot (that you have never really understood because you’ve never seen a community that has a chest, but that isn’t really the point right now, is it?) and get sent to jail for the rest of your life. 

And at times you feel like every date you have ever gone on is the equivalent of buying the “Baltic-” whatever, and feeling completely useless.  And that there are days where your entire single life can be summed up with the words, “Short Line.” Will you ever be cool enough to buy Boardwalk? Will the toss of the dice ever get you to Park Place? 

But we all know that somewhere in your memory there is that one guilty pleasure date, the equivalent of buying “Marvin Gardens,” that you can’t forget.  That one date that got you nowhere, but just the little tiny inside thrill of having gone on that date, and buying that property, even though you only did it so no one else could, brings a little smirk to your face. 

Here’s to some fun dating in 2006 and lots of great smirks.  So break out your Sharpie pen, and write what you are looking for proudly on your label.  Put on your dating calling card and where it with pride.  Down with board games!  Up with labels!