A Fisheye View of the Dating Scene
By Juli Hiatt Caldwell and Erin Ann McBride,
experts at the female language

What She Saw

Annie (real name changed so she doesn’t get mocked too much) watched Kirk as he walked down the hallway.  He didn’t make eye contact with her and quickly hurried on by.  She tried not to dwell on it, but she could have sworn he intentionally averted his eyes. 

“Why?  Why would he do that?  What was wrong?” she thought very loudly to herself.  He sure seemed willing to flirt with her last week.  Did he not like her anymore?  Had she done something wrong?  What was it?  Why wasn’t he talking to her?  She kept on her most professional aloof face and walked on past, pretending she hadn’t noticed him either, but still added something more to her feminine gait — just to make him miss what he never had.

Walking just a few feet behind Annie was Zach.  He couldn’t help but notice her jaunty little walk, and how dolled up she had been over the past few weeks.  Out of nowhere she had suddenly stood out on the scene.  And even though as a guy he couldn’t define it, she was even more charming.  Not having a clue why, but not being the kind of guy to pass up a chance when a woman makes herself available to the world, Zach took a few quick steps to catch up with her. 

Annie was still deeply engrossed in her obsessive thoughts over Kirk.  “I can’t believe I bought new shoes for this outfit.  What a waste.  How could he have not even complimented how cute her outfit was? I mean, honestly, I wore navy blue because it is his favorite color!  He could at least have the decency to say something to me!” 

“Hey, Annie,” Zach greeted her innocently, walking cluelessly into the Venus flytrap of female wardrobe insecurity.

“Do you like my shoes?” she demanded, assuming he knew a polite greeting was implied when she needed some positive reinforcement on her current clothing trauma.

Knowing you should always agree with a woman about her shoes, Zach nodded.  “Yeah, they are nice,” he said, having no idea why it mattered, but just glad that he the right answer to the question.   And he was right — at that moment, it mattered to her.  “How was your weekend?” he asked casually.

Happy for the attention and hoping that Kirk was still within earshot, she used her brightest and most cheerful tone.  “I had a great weekend.  Tons of fun.  What about you?”  She may have added a slightly coy tone to her voice for good measure.

More than happy to rise to the occasion and meet the suggestive flair she had just brought to the conversation, Zach offered her his most flirtatious smile.  “Quiet. No one to share it with.”

They had stopped walking and were facing each other in the middle of the hallway now.  Quickly glancing down the hallway to see if anyone was watching or listening, Annie spotted Kirk emerging from the men’s room.  He made split second eye contact with her and practically ran the other way down the hall. 

“Well, that settles it.  He’s so not worth the trouble!” she affirmed in her head.  But on the outside she smiled, rotated one hip forward into a rather flirtatious pose, and responded shyly.  “Oh, that is too bad.”  She batted her eyes.  “If I had known, I would have invited you over.”

Zach tried to catch his breath.  It was just the pause Annie needed.  “So call me next time.  I’ll make sure you are properly entertained!”  She lowered her voice huskily on the last two words.  Zach struggled to remember which language he spoke.  Annie smiled and returned to her desk, completely assured that Kirk saw just enough to get the completely wrong idea.  He would be jealous and begging her back in no time at all. 

Zach couldn’t remember the last time a girl had made it that easy for him to get the message.  A guy could really appreciate it when a girl didn’t make him waste his time chasing her.  He walked toward the copy machine and stood in an enjoyable haze for a moment.

What He Saw

“Hmm…  Maybe three caffeine-free Code Red Mountain Dews before lunch were not a wise idea,” Kirk thought as his stomach let out a grumble that the woman in the cubicle across from him heard.  She shot him a funny look and scooted further into her cubicle, ensuring that if it were contagious, she wouldn’t catch it.  He decided to answer nature’s call before his office mates organized a mutiny, grabbed a newspaper, and headed for the restroom. 

Rounding the corner, his bladder sent out a code red of its own just as he looked up and spotted Annie in the hall.  Realizing that he had no time to stop and chat, which he would normally want try to do, he picked up his pace and practically knocked over the tall blond guy from accounting as he ran for the bathroom.  If he took care of business fast enough, he may make it out in time to catch up with Annie at her desk. He had been flirting with her for a few weeks now, and she had been playing along.  He wasn’t quite sure yet, but was hoping that maybe she’d agree to go out with him soon.

He was in and out of the men’s room in record time.  But as he looked up the hall, he spotted Annie smiling and flirting with the guy from accounting and was slightly irritated that he hadn’t actually knocked him over, but that brief thought got zapped by the deeper humiliation of realizing that the girl he liked just saw him coming out of the men’s room.  “Oh, the humanity!”  He quickly turned and ran the other way down the hall, hoping she didn’t notice his cheeks flushing a deep shade of red as he turned and walked away.

What We Saw

Every person in this little love triangle completely read the signals wrong.  If there is one message we wish we could get across to every single person in the world, it would be to not read too much into every little passing detail.  Dating is not a case of life or death.  Girls send signals, guys send signals, and sometimes it’s not really a signal… it’s just nature calling.  Sometimes he’s ignoring you.  Sometimes it really is a mad dash for the bathroom and nothing more.  Sometimes she really wants you to ask her out.  So ask!   Sometimes he really just didn’t notice your new shoes.  Big deal.  Get over it.  That’s what your best friend is for ― right, ladies? 

What You Saw (Feedback From Our Last Column)

Sharon saw things a little differently than we did.  She said, “You said that 'you just have to wait for the Master Chef to schedule your oven delivery' and that 'even when the ingredients are all laid out and ready to use, we still have to accomplish what our loving Father expects of us on His timeframe.'" But we might be ready for eternal marriage in God's eyes, and we might have accomplished what he expects of us on his timeframe, and yet there might be no man available for 'delivery.' Our being single might not be the result of our not being ready to marry.  It might be the result of the agency of men.”

Very good point, Sharon.  All the best kitchen preparations in the world won’t make a man appear anytime soon!  However, don’t get too discouraged.  We’re not big believers in the theory that there’s only one right person for everyone.  When it’s your time, the right person will come along.  If you’re really supposed to get married in this life, it will happen.  You won’t be penalized for someone else’s poor use of free agency. 

 Kris wrote, “Now, concerning the cookie/oven analogy:  Maybe all these well-meaning, happy, cookie-eating married people are thinking, 'Why is this person sitting around waiting for the oven to be delivered?  Don't they know that you have to build your own oven?  Even a girls' camp cardboard box oven will bake cookies.'

“And there was the great dose of humility when you wrote, 'Well, why aren’t you married?  You’re so great.  You start to wonder if you really are that great, since everyone seems to be married except you.’  It's OK to not be perfect.  It's not OK to wait for the perfect person to marry.  There is no such person ― not for you and not for him.  And that is what gives marriage the potential for happiness.'“ 

We agree.  Working together through it all is what makes the journey fun.  As James Taylor sang, “Try not to try to hard — it’s just a lovely ride.”

 What Others Saw in Lynnece’s Problem

 Last week we featured a letter from Lynnece, who had started dating her best friend only to start wondering if the relationship is really what she wants.  Joyce wrote in reply, “No one is perfect.  I wonder if you are overlooking this great, available friend, and hoping for Mr. Wonderful Perfect.  If your friend is everything you want in a husband, what's the problem?  Best friends make the best husbands!  There is always a little doubt and fear in committing, but that is normal.   Have you received a confirmation of the spirit?  The Holy Ghost can help you decide if he will be right for you.”

 And it looks like Tonya sees things the same way, “Here’s my advice to Lynnece. Go to the temple. If you’ve not been through the temple before, fast. Take time to get yourself in a good place, where you can really talk with your Heavenly Father, and ask him what you should do. Think about your options and wait for an answer. If one doesn’t come soon, leave yourself open to receive an answer, and pray about it specifically as well as every time you pray. An answer will come. Be diligent and have an open heart.”

Kris saw things uniquely as well.  “No matter who he is, or how much you value him there will always be others to distract you (and to distract him).  Before or after marriage.  The choice is to dedicate yourself to making one man (or woman) happy, no matter who else is around or how 'ready' you feel.  It's a hard choice, filled with doubts.  The Lord will help, but don't leave the decision up to Him.  Don't wait for Him to tell you "Yes, this is THE ONE."  Then, if it fails, doesn't that make it the Lord's fault?  No, it's up to you.  The Lord honors the covenants made in the temple, whether the people do or not.  He will give you guidance with the choice, but why would He make it for you?”

What We Saw that Made Our Skin Crawl!

 Every once in a while a truly awful faux pas is brought to our attention.  The following is so hideous we ask that you send small children from the room before reading this aloud. One reader (who must remain anonymous) sent us the following invitation to a wedding invitation.  The reader tells us that he has never met the bride, and only met the groom once.  By no means did the reader expect an invitation to their wedding.  But maybe the bride saw things differently when she sent out the following in a mass email to her ward:  “I don't know how socially acceptable this is, but we're way too cute and popular to be able to afford a hard copy announcement for everyone we know and like.  Spread the word and we hope to see you all on the 30th of December.”  No, we are not kidding.  Yikes!

What Did You See?

We’d love to hear from you!  All thoughts, visions, and Thanksgiving well-wishers are welcome at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.