Meridian Magazine : : Print

Singles Awareness Day
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell

Today is Singles Awareness Day … Because you’re not quite aware enough of just how single you really are.

How to Make Cookies

Let’s say that you were given an assignment to make cookies. You have the perfect recipe, you’re wearing your apron, the beaters are in the mixer, and the bowl is ready. All your ingredients are laid out nicely on the counter, measuring cups and spoons are gleaming, clean, maybe even sanitized, and ready to measure. You are beyond excited because you know you have all the ingredients and tools necessary to make the best cookies ever. You even shelled out for the nice, expensive chocolate chips … you know, the kind from a chocolatier in San Francisco, milk chocolate that makes you start to salivate before you even open the bag.

There is absolutely no doubt in your mind that anyone else’s cookies could ever top yours. And it is essential to make this batch of cookies, because you can not accomplish anything else in the kitchen until you have finished. You have everything you need to make the best cookies ever … except the oven. That’s a bit of a problem! No matter how prepared you are, you can’t make those cookies because you just can’t find that one necessary item to complete the recipe. There are simply no ovens to be found.

As other people drop by to ask how your cookies are coming, the intoxicating smell of their own perfectly completed batches wafts over you. They offer advice on how to get an oven of your own, or tell you why you need an oven. The problem is that you already know all these things. You ordered your oven awhile ago and it just hasn’t been delivered, or maybe you already cooked a batch and it broke down. So, for now, the chef must wait. Other people telling you that you must make the cookies won’t help you finish your cookies. Other people telling you how to make cookies won’t bring you the oven. You just have to wait for the Master Chef to schedule your oven delivery and hope it comes soon, in the meantime doing all you can to be ready so when it comes, you can get cooking.

Keep Following Us Here …

We used this analogy because, quite frankly, we’re both addicted to chocolate chip cookies. Also, we can equate this to marriage and support it using some of the emails sent in by you, our amazing readers. No married person offering advice, even really great advice, will ultimately get a single person married. It doesn’t matter if you’re 20, 50, or 80 when your time is right. The Lord has an individualized plan for each of us, and getting married at 20 may be right for Jane but completely wrong for Jen.

The problem lies in the fact that, whether we mean to do so or not, those who have not yet married or are divorced feel quite alienated at times because this church is very family oriented. One of our apostles, Russell M. Nelson, even said, “The Church exists to exalt the family.” So where do we fit in an organization that exists entirely for the family? Do we truly belong there if we’re single? Of course we do! If it seems that singles are a little bitter about being single — well, it’s not intentional. In the end, we want to have a family just like everyone else but must wait for the right person at the right time. Seeing your happy family just makes us more keenly aware of what is missing in our lives.

We also received many letters offering advice or anecdotes on how the married folk found the right one for you. As always, we love to hear these stories and feature them regularly — the more entertaining, the better! However, we must point out once more that hearing how Juli snagged her man won’t help Erin Ann find one.

Rachel wrote:

I was a young bride, and though I don't recommend it to all, I know that it was in the Lord's plan for me. I had all kinds of plans for my future, things that I had always wanted to do. But the Lord brought a young man into my life that was the right one for me. It was not my timing; it was not in my ‘perfect plans’ for a degree, travel, and a mission. But marriage is a sacred, beautiful thing that should not be avoided for worldly things. If the Lord says it's time, it's time!

I now have a beautiful family of many children and my joy is great. I have a husband who is my partner, best friend and ardent lover. I have never done a greater thing than when I said yes to him thirteen years ago. I listened to the Spirit, and the Lord has blessed me because of it. I learned at a young age that putting others first and becoming an equal partner with my husband is an amazing blessing in my life. No degree or other worthwhile experience can compare to the education I have received as a young wife and mother.

An anonymous reader in Utah wrote:

Just because one is young does not mean one cannot make a lifetime commitment. Just because divorces are more common these days does not mean that we should criticize our young people for marrying young. I have never heard such attitudes over the pulpit. (But I have heard encouragement for those who aren't married — particularly the young men — to do something about that!) Young men who come home from missions are often in that mode of now looking for a spouse. It would make sense, then, that their prospective brides would be young. It's really quite simple. Marriage is the goal at that point, so we shouldn't be surprised that they get married young. And we shouldn't be critical of it either. It's the way things are supposed to be.

I don't want to sound mean, but it was interesting to me that the most (if not all) the negative comments about young marriages and receptions were from single people! Why are they criticizing those who are married -- I mean, getting married is a good thing, right? Such cynical attitudes don't help someone who is single anyway!

These last two letters illustrate perfectly what mid-singles today are up against. Yes, the comments we featured in our last column, from an independent online forum, probably sounded like ‘sour grapes’ to some people reading them. Mid-singles and single adults very possibly have taken a defensive attitude toward marriage, since innocent questions asked about dating and love lives from well-meaning friends just make it more apparent that they don’t have what they know they should. Well, why aren’t you married? You’re so great. You start to wonder if you really are that great, since everyone seems to be married except you.

In our Latter-Day culture, it’s expected that we will marry young and have many children. One wrathful reader went so far as to suggest that getting married later is all part of an evil plan to destroy the family. We have no comment on that — we’d have to see supporting data first. If you had the opportunity to marry young, then if it’s right for you, you should certainly take it. The great thing about our church is that we know the Lord knows and loves us as individuals, and He has a plan for each and every one of us. If this plan includes having to wait for the right one to come along, all you can do in the mean time is stay faithful. It’s so hard to remember that even when the ingredients are all laid out and ready to use, we still have to accomplish what our loving Father expects of us on His timeframe. Not mine, not Mom’s …His.

Quick! Head for the Fallout Shelter!

Who among us knew that running comments on marriage would bring such diverse feedback from our beloved readers? When we say diverse, we’ll just come out and tell you that you either loved what our featured mid-singles had to say about marrying young, or you sent us such scathing rebukes that we’re still dousing the hard drive with water to keep the smoldering to a bare minimum. Erin Ann’s mother herself sent the most thought-provoking response, declaring that she would have much better luck finding a husband by wearing a dead skunk around her neck than by writing a column about being single. (Personal note to Sister McBride: since nothing else seems to be working, we’ll try the skunk next.)

Some thought perhaps that that mid-singles (meaning singles over 30) judged those who married young. Here is just a bit of what our married readers, most of whom married young, had to say.

Jaime from Canada said:

I myself am married and have been for some time (two days ago was our 8th anniversary). [Congrats, Jaime!] I know that 8 years is a drop in comparison to eternity, but I feel that I must say something in regards to the marriage way too young article. I [married at] 20. I moved out when I was 17, and went to Ricks and saw what little tricks women play. I was repulsed but stayed to graduate. On my 19th birthday my parents called to ask me what was wrong with me as I was not married yet. When I turned 20, I met my husband. We started dating and we were married 6 months later. Two years later we had our first child. We now have 3 and feel that we are well on our way.

Now I give you the background because while I feel that the ‘present grab’ that exists in the Mormon culture (at receptions) is repulsive ... I also believe that we have been given something that has not been mentioned in this article — the Holy Ghost. My husband and I went to the temple several times to find out if our union was acceptable. Why wait if you know that it is right? That is my question. Just because we were relatively young (20 and 22), why wait if you know it is right? I was at a place where I had been living on my own for 3 years, had a degree and was working full-time in that degree. Why wait if you know it is right? I am thankful that I have such a wonderful husband and I know that it was right.

Some people really do know, and get married even when, according to the world’s standards, it just doesn’t make sense. Who else but us would get married at 20 or younger to someone you’ve known a few months? Jaime brings up an excellent point that since we have the gift of the Holy Ghost, we are more likely to make the right decision based on that guidance.

L.R. ranted a bit about wedding guests expecting to be entertained:

Do people realize that a wedding reception is not to entertain guests? It is a time for friends and family to come and congratulate the newly married couple and, yes, bring them presents. The presents help the young couple set up a home in a way they could not if it weren’t for loving friends and family who wish to help them. Mormon weddings tend to be less extravagant because we realize it is something we can’t go into extreme debt for. People invited to wedding receptions need to stop thinking of what they are going to get out of it and more about what they can contribute to it.

What type of reception each couple has is a personal choice — or just as often, the mother’s personal choice. We have been to some amazing sit-down dinner receptions that cost a great deal, and were very classy. They truly made each guest feel part of a wonderful celebration of the couple’s love and new eternal union. We have also been to receptions in the cultural hall that made us feel the same.

We have discussed this before in our columns on manners, but we’ll say it again because it bears repeating: guests at the reception fully expect to contribute something to help the new couple start their home together — this is a given. We as guests feel rather offended (not just these two columnists, but droves of readers who have emailed us on this topic) when we pull out the invitation and three registry cards fall out. It is just plain tacky (harsh words, sad but true) to tell people where you are registered in the wedding invitation. Please do not include cards, and never, ever include it on your printed invitation. This is what makes people feel like the reception has become a present grab. Registry information is for the bridal shower! If a wedding guest would like to know where the couple is registered, a quick phone call to the bride, groom, or any family member of either will answer the question. This way the guest signals his or her intention to attend, and the couple can be assured of receiving something they both need and want.

Eric told us about the most beautiful reception he ever attended.  He said:

I think they really did it right because the emphasis was on the sealing in the temple, and the reception afterward was very much secondary. Being present at the sealing was indeed a very special experience in my life. The reception afterward consisted of the people who were present at the sealing, only about 25 or 30 guests. The reception consisted of a very modest lunch and everyone in the room shared some special memory of the couple. It hadn't ever occurred to me that a wedding reception could be a spiritual experience. But it seemed that since the primary focus was on the sealing in the temple, the reception [was] much more meaningful.

That is what it all boils down to: the start of another eternal union. We celebrate and feel joy for every last one of us who creates a new eternal family unit by marrying in the temple. Everything else that happens afterward is just icing on the cake that the happy couple smashes into each other’s faces.

 
  The Part Where You Offer Advice

Lynnece wrote in with a plea for a little advice:

Hey girls, I love your column!! It always makes me laugh and realize that there are more people stuck in the same boat as me and we are just having fun bailing.

I have a dilemma, though. I've known this guy I am currently dating for a little over two years. We tried dating in the beginning, and then it turned into just really good friends. We've both lived apart from each other at different times, and over the years we always seem to come back to each other. He has wanted something more the whole time, but I have always pushed him away, until recently. He was dating someone, and it hit me how I would feel if he really did disappear from my life and I never even gave him a chance. (Sounds familiar I know — just like that movie My Best Friend's Wedding)

So, anyway, we have been dating for about two months now and I felt like my heart was really into it this time, but recently I've had second thoughts. Just as you were saying in your column, he is such a great guy, in fact the kind of guy I want to marry — just not him. Well that is kind of how I feel. I went out with a mutual friend of ours to the movies the other night, (a guy) and after having such a fun night, I realized that maybe I am not as ready as I thought to give myself to him. Am I just being stupid or should I have reason to doubt? I don't want to just settle because he likes me so much and he is a great guy. I don't want him to ever think that I settled, but that is how I feel sometimes. A little help?

What do you think? Anyone have a little advice for Lynnece? You know where to send your advice or comments: erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Thanks and have a great week!