The Man at the Top of the List
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, advocates for love

Can’t live with him, can’t live without him.  Or something like that.  It is no secret that I have a supposedly secret List of the men I am currently interested in.  The list tends to fluctuate up and down, with new contestants making quick appearances from time to time.  Rarely does any one guy last on the List for very long.  Until Guy #1 came along.  He’s been holding on to the top berth for several months now, something no one has managed to do for years.  Is that a problem?  I’ll let you decide.

When I said he’s been in the top berth for several months that may have been something of an understatement.  It has been closer to a year now.  When we first met I could tell he was interested in me by all of the little things he didn’t do.  Strange, right? It was charming for a while.  I watched him with other women.  He smiled, flirted, made casual contact.  All the simple subconscious mating rituals singles do when they are together.  Except when he was with me he suddenly lost the ability to make eye contact, always seemed to find a way to walk the long way around a table to avoid brushing against me, etc.  At first I thought he must really not like me; I must truly repulse him.  Until one day I saw him looking at me and listening to my conversation with someone else very attentively, when it hit me that I do the same exact thing when I am interested in a guy I think will never even notice me.  I don’t just find it impossible to make interesting conversation with him; I make awful conversation with others in his presence. 

Once I caught on that he was awful to me because he liked me, I got a surge of confidence and suddenly had the ability to talk to him.  It took no time at all for him to come out of his shell and treat me differently.  But he didn’t treat me like the other women.  Instead he went out of his way to really notice me, be kind to me, and make me feel special.  It worked.  I was hooked!   He went from no list status to first place and has remained there for months now.

So where’s the problem?  For months now he’s found ways to endear himself to me over and over.  But a girl can only hold on to little sweet endearments for so long.  She needs a man to make a move, which is something he has never done.  He’s had me chomping at the bit for ages now, but has yet to give me the apple.  (Did I really just compare myself to a horse?  Oh my.  We may have bigger problems here than I expected.)  A man needs to do something to claim his prize!  Win the girl for good!  Knock the others from the list!  Fish or cut bait!  Something! Anything! 

How long do I give him?  Do I make the sudden move?  Do I just come right out and tell him he’s going to lose me if he doesn’t come and get me?  Or do I play it safe, play by “the Rules?”  One thing I know about this guy for certain, he likes to be the man in the relationship.  He is about as old-fashioned as they come.  And thankfully, he has no idea I write a column. 

Let’s get one thing straight, though.  I haven’t put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak.  I still have a “list,” and consider other guy’s applications and nominations for the list.  But Guy #1 drives me crazy!  I want him to act faster and realize how cute I am, and how much he wants me!  Does he know a girl can’t wait forever?  (Probably not considering his age and marital status.)  My biological alarm clock has been ringing for a while now, and its not one of those cute radio clocks that plays happy music in the morning.  Its one of those annoying clocks with a really obnoxious beeping noise that only gets louder when small tow-headed children are around. 

Guy #2

There are other guys currently on my List.  Guy #2 has been a friend for quite some time, but I only recently started to think of in “un-friendly” ways.  Several weeks ago he and I were chatting and suddenly it hit me that I wanted to marry a guy just like him.  Not necessarily him, but someone with all of his good traits.  It took a few more days before it occurred to me that he was a good candidate for the List, and he promptly took the #2 spot.  Since then our casual friendship has definitely become less casual and we’ve started talking a lot more.  He has invited me to join him and his group of friends out occasionally, and I’ve always accepted.  But he’s yet to do something that looks and smells like a date. 

Due to our decades old friendship, I’m willing to give him a little bit of time to make a sudden move on me.  (Except by then it will be anything but sudden.)  He has sent every sign and signal that he’s interested in me, but taking things a bit slowly.  However, a rumor has reached me that maybe I am seeing things that are not there at all, and he’s started dating someone else.  If these heinous rumors are true I’m not sure what I will think of Guy #2.  He certainly has an interesting way of dating other women, while still sending me flirtatious emails on a daily basis.  I’m not sure if I would want to date a guy who does that sort of thing.

Guy #3 is a Conundrum

I know it isn’t right to judge a person based on their past relationships, but Guy #3 has me absolutely baffled.  He’s a nice guy, we’ve talked, and we’ve been on a few innocent dates.  He was very forthcoming about his divorce and children.  Since divorces and children don’t scare me away, it was nice that he was honest about it so early on.  (I’m quite over guys that hide such pertinent information.  Those are life-changing events, and under no circumstances should you hide life-changing events from someone who is auditioning you for a companion.) 

Guy #3 seems to fit the bill of a good boyfriend and potential companion quite well.  He’s smart, has a good job, makes great conversation, and seems to handle his family, church, and professional responsibilities well.  Which is saying a lot seeing as he also seems to have time to squeeze me in there as well. 

But I recently had the chance to meet his ex-wife entirely by accident.  She was teaching an Enrichment lesson, and I must say, she impressed me. And now all I can think is, “There are men who leave women as great as she??”  But not only that, Guy #3 left this woman?  She’s a walking work of art — from her graceful manners to her intelligence, poise, style, and spirit.  And someone left her?  And I’m dating him?  What is wrong with him that he left such a great woman?  I am torn between being dumbfounded that such great women exist, and that men leave them (because honestly, if men are leaving women as wonderful as she is, there is very little hope for me to ever find and keep a man), and wondering what on earth he is doing with me?  Other than the fact that his ex-wife has become a role model for me, I have nothing else negative to say about Guy #3. 

Applications Still Accepted

There has been an application submitted for a Guy #4.  A nice guy I hardly know took the initiative and asked me out.  What he doesn’t know is that I know that several of our mutual friends were behind it.  Unfortunately, I was unable to go on the date, but I was very flattered that he asked.  He’s doing his best to try and get to know me better (points for him for actually trying before asking me out again), but the more I get to know him the more I realize I am highly unlikely to ever be interested in him.  He’s a nice guy, and I will give him a shot because you never know what might happen, but he’s only in the application phase for the List, and not yet approved.

So there you have it friends, the inner workings of the love life of a single woman.  In between juggling four men she also has a full-time job, multiple church callings, family responsibilities, a few hobbies she wishes she had more time for, and an ever mounting pile of laundry.  How many of you wish you could go back to single life and have a little fun again? 

Remember When We Made That Little Joke About Mormon Couples Marrying Young?

In our last column we made a few little comments about how LDS couples tend to get married before deciding on a major.  In a private forum, a few of our friends had the following to say:

Miss P:  Awesome Article!! I totally loved it! And great insights … isn’t it the truth. I’m so skeptical of young/6months of dating marriages. All the stats, I know them because my mom is a psychologist at the YI, strongly show EVEN LDS COUPLES have a WAY WAY HIGHER divorce rates & unhappy marriages when they marry at a young age (so ridiculously high that if you saw them, you would wait and get to really know your boyfriend). Being LDS does not make you immune from making really stupid choices because you really like how romantic the speed and feeling is. oh these poor people.  I on the other hand am approaching late 20s … and outside of the "LDS Culture“… am now becoming fair-game.

CG:  I agree with your post about 19-year-olds rushing to the altar. And yet here’s the conundrum as a YSA who will hit my expiration date in 6 months. The older I get the more I know what I want and don’t want, through trial and error, bad dating experiences, and the ever-present examples of the families I work with, and yet the options grow more limited. I find myself wondering if I am being too picky and thinking about what I am willing to compromise as my childbearing years wane on and the available men get younger. Example: met a really nice, educated, handsome man in his mid 30’s the other day in similar field as me with genuine interest in helping people and caring demeanor, life experience and intelligence. Most likely not a member. Contrast this (speaking in generic terms) to local YSA branch. Where there are men in there early- to mid-twenties, some living at home (which limits life experience)and minimal education, but they hold the priesthood. And I’m in the middle of this limbo land wondering why can’t there be a cross between the two?! I can be a cradle robbing Mrs. Robinson or date divorcees or non members. It’s a bit crazy making. And I don’t like to worry about things beyond my control, but its hard not to when you have sacred desires and limited vision on how they are going to be fulfilled.

And We May Have Said Mormon Weddings Can Be Boring ... a Little

Miss Hass:    I didn’t even go to my own COUSIN’S wedding last weekend because I knew it would be B to the ORING. Peanuts and pillow mints in a Sacrament cup anyone? Also, my younger twin brothers both got married 18 months ago at 22 to girls they had met 4 & 6 months before. Which I know is an eternity for a large majority of Mormons. Wait. You don’t know how old my new in-laws were. 18!!!!! Make it stop! How can you possibly know at 18 that you want to spend the rest of your life with one of my annoying brothers and their annoying habits? I’m sorry, but I’m just not buying it. I think there’s this insane mad rush to just get married already because your life just has no meaning unless you have a diamond ring, a mortgage, and a baby on the way.

Chris:  My answer to this column is two-fold:

Thanks to everyone for their fun contributions this week!  If you have something you want us to hear, you know where to send it — erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com!  Thanks again!!