The Man at
the Top of the List
By Erin Ann McBride
and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, advocates for love
Can’t live with
him, can’t live without him. Or something like that. It is
no secret that I have a supposedly secret List of the men I
am currently interested in. The list tends to fluctuate up
and down, with new contestants making quick appearances from
time to time. Rarely does any one guy last on the List for
very long. Until Guy #1 came along. He’s been holding on to
the top berth for several months now, something no one has managed
to do for years. Is that a problem? I’ll let you decide.
When I said he’s
been in the top berth for several months that may have been
something of an understatement. It has been closer to a year
now. When we first met I could tell he was interested in me
by all of the little things he didn’t do. Strange, right? It
was charming for a while. I watched him with other women.
He smiled, flirted, made casual contact. All the simple subconscious
mating rituals singles do when they are together. Except when
he was with me he suddenly lost the ability to make eye contact,
always seemed to find a way to walk the long way around a table
to avoid brushing against me, etc. At first I thought he must
really not like me; I must truly repulse him. Until one day
I saw him looking at me and listening to my conversation with
someone else very attentively, when it hit me that I do the
same exact thing when I am interested in a guy I think will
never even notice me. I don’t just find it impossible to make
interesting conversation with him; I make awful conversation
with others in his presence.
Once I caught
on that he was awful to me because he liked me, I got a surge
of confidence and suddenly had the ability to talk to him.
It took no time at all for him to come out of his shell and
treat me differently. But he didn’t treat me like the other
women. Instead he went out of his way to really notice me,
be kind to me, and make me feel special. It worked. I was
hooked! He went from no list status to first place and has
remained there for months now.
So where’s the
problem? For months now he’s found ways to endear himself to
me over and over. But a girl can only hold on to little sweet
endearments for so long. She needs a man to make a move, which
is something he has never done. He’s had me chomping at the
bit for ages now, but has yet to give me the apple. (Did I
really just compare myself to a horse? Oh my. We may have
bigger problems here than I expected.) A man needs to do something
to claim his prize! Win the girl for good! Knock the others
from the list! Fish or cut bait! Something! Anything!
How long do I
give him? Do I make the sudden move? Do I just come right
out and tell him he’s going to lose me if he doesn’t come and
get me? Or do I play it safe, play by “the Rules?” One thing
I know about this guy for certain, he likes to be the man in
the relationship. He is about as old-fashioned as they come.
And thankfully, he has no idea I write a column.
Let’s get one
thing straight, though. I haven’t put all my eggs in one basket,
so to speak. I still have a “list,” and consider other guy’s
applications and nominations for the list. But Guy #1 drives
me crazy! I want him to act faster and realize how cute I am,
and how much he wants me! Does he know a girl can’t wait forever?
(Probably not considering his age and marital status.) My biological
alarm clock has been ringing for a while now, and its not one
of those cute radio clocks that plays happy music in the morning.
Its one of those annoying clocks with a really obnoxious beeping
noise that only gets louder when small tow-headed children are
around.
Guy #2
There are other
guys currently on my List. Guy #2 has been a friend for quite
some time, but I only recently started to think of in “un-friendly”
ways. Several weeks ago he and I were chatting and suddenly
it hit me that I wanted to marry a guy just like him. Not necessarily
him, but someone with all of his good traits. It took a few
more days before it occurred to me that he was a good candidate
for the List, and he promptly took the #2 spot. Since then
our casual friendship has definitely become less casual and
we’ve started talking a lot more. He has invited me to join
him and his group of friends out occasionally, and I’ve always
accepted. But he’s yet to do something that looks and smells
like a date.
Due to our decades
old friendship, I’m willing to give him a little bit of time
to make a sudden move on me. (Except by then it will be anything
but sudden.) He has sent every sign and signal that he’s interested
in me, but taking things a bit slowly. However, a rumor has
reached me that maybe I am seeing things that are not there
at all, and he’s started dating someone else. If these heinous
rumors are true I’m not sure what I will think of Guy #2. He
certainly has an interesting way of dating other women, while
still sending me flirtatious emails on a daily basis. I’m not
sure if I would want to date a guy who does that sort of thing.
Guy #3 is
a Conundrum
I know it isn’t
right to judge a person based on their past relationships, but
Guy #3 has me absolutely baffled. He’s a nice guy, we’ve talked,
and we’ve been on a few innocent dates. He was very forthcoming
about his divorce and children. Since divorces and children
don’t scare me away, it was nice that he was honest about it
so early on. (I’m quite over guys that hide such pertinent
information. Those are life-changing events, and under no circumstances
should you hide life-changing events from someone who is auditioning
you for a companion.)
Guy #3 seems
to fit the bill of a good boyfriend and potential companion
quite well. He’s smart, has a good job, makes great conversation,
and seems to handle his family, church, and professional responsibilities
well. Which is saying a lot seeing as he also seems to have
time to squeeze me in there as well.
But I recently
had the chance to meet his ex-wife entirely by accident. She
was teaching an Enrichment lesson, and I must say, she impressed
me. And now all I can think is, “There are men who leave women
as great as she??” But not only that, Guy #3 left this
woman? She’s a walking work of art — from her graceful manners
to her intelligence, poise, style, and spirit. And someone
left her? And I’m dating him? What is wrong with him that
he left such a great woman? I am torn between being dumbfounded
that such great women exist, and that men leave them (because
honestly, if men are leaving women as wonderful as she is, there
is very little hope for me to ever find and keep a man), and
wondering what on earth he is doing with me? Other than the
fact that his ex-wife has become a role model for me, I have
nothing else negative to say about Guy #3.
Applications
Still Accepted
There has been
an application submitted for a Guy #4. A nice guy I hardly
know took the initiative and asked me out. What he doesn’t
know is that I know that several of our mutual friends were
behind it. Unfortunately, I was unable to go on the date, but
I was very flattered that he asked. He’s doing his best to
try and get to know me better (points for him for actually trying
before asking me out again), but the more I get to know him
the more I realize I am highly unlikely to ever be interested
in him. He’s a nice guy, and I will give him a shot because
you never know what might happen, but he’s only in the application
phase for the List, and not yet approved.
So there you
have it friends, the inner workings of the love life of a single
woman. In between juggling four men she also has a full-time
job, multiple church callings, family responsibilities, a few
hobbies she wishes she had more time for, and an ever mounting
pile of laundry. How many of you wish you could go back to
single life and have a little fun again?
Remember When
We Made That Little Joke About Mormon Couples Marrying Young?
In our last column
we made a few little comments about how LDS couples tend to
get married before deciding on a major. In a private forum,
a few of our friends had the following to say:
Miss P: Awesome
Article!! I totally loved it! And great insights … isn’t it
the truth. I’m so skeptical of young/6months of dating marriages.
All the stats, I know them because my mom is a psychologist
at the YI, strongly show EVEN LDS COUPLES have a WAY WAY HIGHER
divorce rates & unhappy marriages when they marry at a young
age (so ridiculously high that if you saw them, you would wait
and get to really know your boyfriend). Being LDS does not make
you immune from making really stupid choices because you really
like how romantic the speed and feeling is. oh these poor people.
I on the other hand am approaching late 20s … and outside of
the "LDS Culture“… am now becoming fair-game.
CG: I agree
with your post about 19-year-olds rushing to the altar. And
yet here’s the conundrum as a YSA who will hit my expiration
date in 6 months. The older I get the more I know what I want
and don’t want, through trial and error, bad dating experiences,
and the ever-present examples of the families I work with, and
yet the options grow more limited. I find myself wondering if
I am being too picky and thinking about what I am willing to
compromise as my childbearing years wane on and the available
men get younger. Example: met a really nice, educated, handsome
man in his mid 30’s the other day in similar field as me with
genuine interest in helping people and caring demeanor, life
experience and intelligence. Most likely not a member. Contrast
this (speaking in generic terms) to local YSA branch. Where
there are men in there early- to mid-twenties, some living at
home (which limits life experience)and minimal education, but
they hold the priesthood. And I’m in the middle of this limbo
land wondering why can’t there be a cross between the two?!
I can be a cradle robbing Mrs. Robinson or date divorcees or
non members. It’s a bit crazy making. And I don’t like to worry
about things beyond my control, but its hard not to when you
have sacred desires and limited vision on how they are going
to be fulfilled.
And We May
Have Said Mormon Weddings Can Be Boring ... a Little
Miss Hass:
I didn’t even go to my own COUSIN’S wedding last weekend because
I knew it would be B to the ORING. Peanuts and pillow mints
in a Sacrament cup anyone? Also, my younger twin brothers both
got married 18 months ago at 22 to girls they had met 4 &
6 months before. Which I know is an eternity for a large majority
of Mormons. Wait. You don’t know how old my new in-laws were.
18!!!!! Make it stop! How can you possibly know at 18 that you
want to spend the rest of your life with one of my annoying
brothers and their annoying habits? I’m sorry, but I’m just
not buying it. I think there’s this insane mad rush to just
get married already because your life just has no meaning unless
you have a diamond ring, a mortgage, and a baby on the way.
Chris: My answer
to this column is two-fold:
