The Misuse of the Munch and Mingle
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, Advocates for more meaningful socializing and food consumption

Warning: If you are currently on an activities or refreshment committee that supervises and organizes current Munch and Mingle events, this column is directed at you.  You and you alone are the target of this public service announcement.  Yes, this announcement is a rerun and you have seen it before.  We advise you to remember that this is summer rerun season, but that these words of social wisdom will be useful for generations to come.

A new tragedy is spreading across the single world.  This tragedy victimizes one of the greatest inventions to ever grace and assist the single world: the all-important Munch and Mingle.  Other names known to Singles through the world are Linger Longer, Food for Flirting, Break the Fast, and Feed the Bachelors, among other various monikers. Whatever you choose to call this blessed event, it is horribly misused.  Too many people are seen standing around, holding their little paper plates in small clustered groups of friends, avoiding eye contact with anyone new and promising.  And it is all your fault!  Why, you ask?  Read on!

The Munch and Mingle (hereby to be referred to as the Great M&M — but please do not confuse this with the Great MM, another acronym for Meat Market, another name for singles wards) was designed to solely to help singles meet other singles!  And yet, tragically, this is the case!  Why, you ask again? 

The answer is going to be harsh and brutal, but you must hear it. The Great M&M has failed on a global scale because of poor planning.  Yes, friends, the problem rests solely on the shoulders of those who planned the menu.  The planners of the Great M&M need to put a little more thought, compassion, and concern into what they are feeding the singles.  We ask you, why on earth would you feed spicy salsa to members of both sexes and then hope they will begin a life changing, personal, intimate conversation?  Have you no sympathy for the less than perfect individuals out there just trying to meet a cute girl?  Really, this is an outrage and affront to eligible singles everywhere!  The responsibility for their future happiness and marriages is in your hands, and what do you choose to feed them?  Tiny, uncooked broccoli florets whose sole purpose in life is get stuck in someone’s front teeth?  Have you no shame?

The Great M&M has potential beyond what most can see!  A singles ward without the Great M&M is hardly worth attending.  For all the talking one can squeeze in between sacrament, Sunday school and ones’ respective third hour, we might as well abolish singles wards altogether! Without the Great M&M, we may as well give up and attend a family ward, heads hung low in shame.  Where would singles wards be without the Great M&M?  It is the perfect excuse to stand around and openly scope out the currently available members of the opposite sex.  Where else will someone feed you just so you can attempt to speak to your newest crush?  These golden opportunities do not come along every day.  You must make the most of them!

Foods That Invite Social Disaster

We here at a Single Thought encourage the Great M&M committees of the world to stop serving socially disastrous foods. The list of contraband food items includes but is not limited to: chips, dips, salsas, burritos, chili, broccoli, and spinach to singles.  Let them eat those foods in the comfort and privacy of their own homes.  We should be feeding singles edible hormone inducers to encourage the beginning of the mating dance!  Stop serving the bad stuff, and bring on the oysters, strawberries, and chocolate.  We want these people to like each other, for crying out loud — give them a little hand! 

While we freely admit that no one ever looked good eating an oyster, and we know they aren’t really in the ward budget, you get the picture. Do a little research and find out what foods are associated with love. For example, we here at A Single Thought have done some preliminary research for you and have determined that and excellent food to set out at the Great M&M is celery. Celery, for those who were unaware, contains androsterone, a powerful male hormone that researchers believe is released through sweat and attracts females. Chocolate is an excellent food to serve, because women love it. We dare you to find a woman who is not in a good mood after consuming chocolate. We also recommend dates, because we think it is a funny reminder of what you’re supposed to get out of the Great M&M.  You get the idea!  

Try not to serve foods that make the consumer look stupid.  Anything that drips, for instance, is an excellent way to traumatize the socially inept and ungraceful.  The girls spent way too much time pulling together a look that works for her, and, and the men only own two ties!  Additionally, anything that requires sucking your teeth when you are done is a bad idea.  Have you ever watched yourself suck your teeth clean in a mirror?  It’s not a pretty sight!  Foods that leave you with stinky breath, discolored teeth, or flatulence should also be banned from singles activities, unless the offending committee is also willing to supply the Beano.

Setting the Mood

We also advise creating an atmosphere conducive to close, personal conversation.  First, make sure the mood is right.  While it would be inappropriate to play Barry White’s “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love Babe,” in the background after Sunday services, consider a nice Wagner or Mozart to keep people moving about.  Music sets the mood!  And let’s not forget the lighting.  No one has ever looked good under a harsh fluorescent glare. Instead, cosmetologists use this sort of light to illuminate all of our unfortunate features so they may be corrected in a medical setting.  Avoid fluorescent lighting if at all possible!  Consider a little mood lighting instead.  Many gyms are equipped with stage lighting in many shades.  How about a nice red glow instead?

Another essential component in creating the proper mood is the seating. Instead of regular hard folding chairs, drag in the couches and armchairs from the hallways.  There is nothing inviting or loving about a folding chair!  Give the lovebirds a nice little place to sit and get cozy.  Think of yourself as the ultimate relationship facilitator! 

Now let’s move on to the table.  While men may not notice the tablecloth or centerpiece, subconsciously it helps everyone feel more comfortable and homey.  Have you ever been through a buffet line where you start at the front of the table, pick up your plate, utensils, and napkins, and then try and balance them all as you work your way to the end of the table?  Stop!  Everyone needs to learn the basic rule that you should only place the plate at the front of the table.  Put all utensils at the end of the buffet line.  This also leaves hands free to shake hands in case the single meets a fabulous new person in line!  If you are the Great M&M planner for a large singles ward, we beg you to consider not using the buffet line method.  Instead, get inventive and try food stations around the room, so people can mill about and mingle, rather than stand in a really long line on Fast Sunday. 

Advice for M&Mer’s

If you are not the Great M&M planner, and are one of the fortunate attendees of this monumental event, be prepared.  Do not arrive empty-handed or empty-headed.  Have good pick-up lines and conversation starters ready to go. An example of a conversation-starting query used with great success by one of our brothers was asked over a food that contained mushrooms.  As he loaded his plate, he would put on his best debonair expression and inquire, “Do you like mushrooms? ‘Cuz I’m a fungi (fun guy).”   Please do not use phrases like this with any amount of seriousness; you will look like an idiot.  The intention is to make the listener laugh and hopefully create a desire to get to know you better.  Other lines use with moderate success include, “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?” and, “Hi, how are you? My name is (insert your name here).”

Compliments always come in handy in these situations.  Everyone is in their Sunday best, so feel free to mention they look great.  Also, someone put some love and tender care into making that brownie you are eating.  Even if it tastes like a dirty shoe (oh yes, we’ve had one), take a big bite and proclaim that you have never tasted anything like it.  In case the planner has failed to read this column, avoid all foods that make you look stupid, stick to your lip or chin, drop on your dress or tie, give you stinky breath, or leave your hands sticky. 

It is up to you to create your happy ending.  The Great M&M can and should help you in this great journey.  We plead with committees around the world to unite and bring about change, indeed, the social upheaval required to get people out of the singles wards.  The Great M&M can and should be used to your advantage.  Please plan wisely!  And M&Mer’s, we beg of you, please remember to chew with your mouth closed.  Thank you.

Please report any and all offenses committed to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.  We’re here to help you overcome this tragic misuse of food and time.

She said, “Help!”

Belinda wrote to ask for our readers’ advice.  She wrote, “Having just read your article on the Levels of Attraction, you mentioned to one older singles sister, who has grandchildren should get into the single adult conference circuit.  However, I have come across conventions and singles ward stating that it catered only for the 31-45 year olds. 

“I have now successfully raised 3 children on my own, and now feel it time for me to 'get out there in the singles scene' only to be told I am too old to attend some of these functions. Why the upper age barrier, I am a 'young' active 47-year-old and looking for a date and marriageable prospects. Help!”

We have spoken at singles functions in the past, but we have not attended one with the age restrictions on single adults.  Some areas that have a large singles population, Washington, D.C. among them, have created programs just for mid-singles, and it’s possible that you stumbled into one of those.  Obviously the young singles and singles are two totally different groups with different dynamics, and the thinking is that there is a better chance of finding ‘marriageable prospects’ when groups have more in common. 

Do any of our fabulous readers have advice for Belinda?  Where are the best singles’ conferences for her to go?  Any other suggestions where she could meet people?  Any and all advice is welcome.  Send it us at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. 

Thanks and have a great week.

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Authors Juli Hiatt Caldwell and Erin Ann McBride share a combined total of 20 years of dating and 14 years in singles wards. Between them they count more than 15 ex-boyfriends, 8 singles wards, and at least 5 email addresses. Friends for much of the past decade, they share many of their personal experiences as the character “Annie,” their combined alter ego.  As they like to remind each other, “All stories depicted herein are mostly true and will resemble characters living and deceased. Some names and facts have been changed to protect the innocent, make the reader laugh, and in some cases preserve the dignity of the authors. Although the authors are pretty sure they surrendered their dignity long ago.”

Juli Hiatt Caldwell was born in Anaheim, California, the fourth of seven kids in a very rowdy, loud family. She met her husband on a quick trip to Utah, and they were married six months later in the Bountiful Temple. They have been married six years. They are the proud parents of the two most adorable little girls on the planet, Cali, 5, and Andi, 2. Her girls are the proud mommies of a four fantail goldfish and a cat named Leo who is determined to eat them all. Juli and her family live on Florida’s beautiful Space Coast, where she enjoys yoga classes and working out at the gym. She is currently at work in her ward as choir director.

Erin Ann McBride is a native of the Washington, DC area. She is an events and party manager, currently putting her talents to work as a gun show planner. When she is not busy planning dates, parties, and weddings for her friends, she can be found volunteering at the local fire department, where she is a certified fire fighter and EMT-B. Erin Ann loves to travel and visit third world countries. She graduated from George Mason University and holds a B.A. in Political Communication and Broadcast Journalism. She also enjoys romantic dinners, moonlit walks on the beach, a good .357 magnum, chick flicks, roller coasters, and professional sporting events.