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Levels
of Attraction
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell
The
author sat back and did what the author does best—step
out of the action and watch her friends become fodder
for her column. Her friends, fully aware that by virtue
of their friendship with said author, their social lives
become fair game for public consumption, seemed to be
unabashedly hooking up purely for the benefit of Single
Thought readers across the globe.
It
was bound to happen sooner or later. On a road trip,
the odds were good, if not unprecedented. Take five
men and five women, all of equal caliber and shared
interests, in a willingly confined space for an extended
period of time.
If
you had polled the participants in advance, they probably
would have told you that they expected at least one
hook up to emerge from the pack. This particular road
trip would be considered an overwhelming success if
two or more hook ups occurred at once. After all, all
singles know that the odds are not always in your favor
that a hook up will occur on every road trip, and therefore,
you must be happy for those that do succeed when it
happens.
But
it wasn’t the hooking up that was truly piquing the
author’s interest. It was the subtleties of the event.
What was causing the hook ups? The simplest answer
had to be the levels of attraction. In the end, it
is that one simple word that nearly dictates everything
a single says or does. We respond to signals of attraction.
We act to send signals of attraction. We live according
to the laws of attraction. But before we get to the
laws of attraction, there are the levels of attraction
that must be dealt with. All singles know that there
are many complex and unspoken (until now) levels of
attraction. And it is the level of attraction that
ultimately dictates your odds of hooking up, or in other
words, dating success.
High Brow
First
you have the lowest and simplest level of attraction:
the nearly insignificant eyebrow raise. This can occur
from anywhere at anytime. You know you are in luck
if it is followed by a smile. But just an eyebrow raise
alone is enough to send a signal. Score one point.
This is the lowest level of attraction and while it
may eventually lead to hooking up, it may take quite
some time. This level usually just leads to the second
level, if both parties are willing. (Careful though,
sometimes the eyebrow raise is not a sign of attraction,
but more a sign of amusement at your expense. If it
is done with only one eyebrow and not followed by a
smile, it is most likely a “we are not amused” signal,
and you should escape the situation asap.)
The Eyes Have It
Second,
you have the sidelong glance. This is more in depth,
more distinguishable from the eyebrow raise. The Glancer
makes no secret of the fact that he or she is looking,
but is smart enough not to give you the full frontal
stare, which can be rather disturbing. Are they staring
because you look great? Or are they staring because
you look like a total idiot? The Glancer makes it obvious
you look good enough to warrant a second, more in depth
appraisal.
If
the Glancer has particularly long eyelashes, it is possible
to begin to feel additional levels of attraction back
towards the Glancer, sooner than with other Glancers.
These communicative glances send all sorts of signals
without a word ever being said. This column has neither
the time nor the web space to explain all of the signals
that could be sent and how. We leave that up to you
to decipher yourself. Suffice it to say, a good long
glance is the second level of attraction, according
to the non-scientific research done by the labs of Erin
and Juli, Inc.
Commencement Exercises
Third,
the next level of attraction is actual Instigation,
also known as girding up your loins, fresh courage taking,
or just plain going for it. This is where one attracted
party will be so attracted to the other party that they
will actually instigate conversation and interaction.
This is a good thing!
Conversations
lead to finding out more about each other and eventually
to meaningful discussions. The authors heartily encourage
meaningful discussions. Meaningful discussions can
go three ways, from scoring a date (yes!) or scaring
off the other party.
The
ideal ending for someone courageous enough to Instigate
is an actual date. Second is the path to a second conversation,
which usually means that the instigator is still attracted,
but may require the other person to instigate the next
conversation to move up to the next level.
Third,
is the worst path, which leads nowhere. There are unfortunately
many people out there who have meaningful and interesting
discussions and then for whatever reason give up. Maybe
they were not attracted enough to move on to the next
level of attraction, but we think this is just sad.
Instead
of writing the person off so quickly, we kindly suggest
that in the future you stop before option 3, and instead
choose option 2 before ruling out a potential date.
Some of the greatest potential dates just need a few
conversations to feel comfortable enough to turn off
the force field around members of the opposite sex and
lower the setting on their dating phaser gun from maim
to stun. (That was just for you, Kolache Lynn!)
Expert Opinion
The
fourth level of attraction is also known as the Expert
level. Some people actually can meet a new person and
be so attracted to them that they can fulfill the first
3 levels in less than ten minutes. These people can
only be considered experts at dating. For others it
may take a few days or weeks to work their way up to
this very intricate level.
It
must be interjected here that many of us will forever
be stranded somewhere in between the first three levels.
It can be years between brief moments on the fourth
level. For some the first few levels are as simple
as walking up to the arcade machine, inserting a few
quarters, and entering his or her initials. They are
so used to playing the game that they never even think
about the first few levels. It’s all just automatic.
After
several successful rounds on the Expert level the participants
decide together to move on to the Superior level, also
known as Engagement. We call it Superior because that
is how so many people act when they have attained this
level. And while some credit must be given to them
for attaining this level, it isn’t necessary to act
this way just because you made it there. The next level
is also known as Retirement, or Marriage. It is unclear
exactly what happens on those levels. But we hear it
is fun.
Your Thoughts
Thanks
again, readers, for your ‘imaginads’ we ran last week.
We actually had quite a few people write in to ask if
they could meet the people in your ads! We don’t pretend
to be a dating service, but just know that you have
women and men all over the world who think you are an
amazing person and would love to date you!
Thomas
from Bountiful wrote, “The promotionals [last week] reminded
me of when I was a program director in a teaching hospital.
Unmarried, LDS, new doctors would arrive for training.
After going to medical school outside of Utah, the realization
that they were now at least 28 years old and unmarried
and without prospects hit them. I saw the panic
in a few eyes. One intern had a list of everything
he was looking for. It was all there, degree,
music, personality, etc. OK, he was a nice guy
and maybe being a doctor wasn't all that bad, but his
list made it look like he thought he was God's gift
to womankind. My laughing at his requirements
and asking him who he thought he was probably didn't
make us close friends but from my perspective,
he wasn't without flaws. I'm sure he and his mother
would beg to differ.
“It
struck me that some are looking for perfection in a
mate and after 40 years of marriage, I know that it
doesn't exist. I'm a skeptic. RM doesn't
cut it. I'm not sure prayer can help in some cases
where love is blind. Maybe fear of what could
happen puts off commitment. My wife serves in
the temple and says groups of young men and groups of
young women arrive but not together.
Group
dating is safe but at some point kids have to pair up.
At Education Week at BYU a newspaper column reported
that over 9,600 people took classes on marriage relationships.
That ought to tell you that marriage isn't easy and
there is probably reason to fear. A lot of what
people expect creates pathologic relationships.”
We
agree with Thomas that a lot of us do have pretty high
expectations, but we have to find the happy medium between
keeping our standards high and settling for what’s there.
Do not lower your standards just to get a date, and
don’t date anyone just for the sake of dating. Just
remember that at some point when you reach your 30’s,
the group dating must stop. Not all the time, of course,
because it’s fun, but make sure there is plenty of time
spent with just that one special person.
God
didn’t send the animals to the ark in groups of 10 or
20, so it seems pretty apparent that at some point in
our single lives, we’re going to have to find that one
person and climb into the ark. Just make sure you bring
the Dramamine and your slicker—those seas can be rough
and stormy at times.
Geography
Doesn’t Allow a Date
There
are also those who, because of simple geography, aren’t
in a place where they can date at all. They can’t even
find suitable suitors online, let alone find enough
LDS friends and people who would be more than friends
to put together a group date.
Sheryl
is one of those. She wrote this week to ask for some
advice on this very subject. She said, “Dating has
been a disaster for me. I have high standards,
am older, and have grand children. I am intelligent,
funny, and basically a really nice person. My
friends and I think I’m great. The men that I
have met and dated are usually LDS. They don’t
have the same idea about life as is taught in the Church
even when they are members of the Church. How
do you find a man who has high standards, is caring,
and really wants to achieve the goals set forth
in the Church? I have tried the Internet and singles
organizations where you pay a fee. Help!!!”
Our
first thought is to get into the single adult conference
circuit, if you possibly can. Find out if there are
single’s conferences near you. There are conferences
coming up all the time, and it’s a great way to meet
other active, faithful singles that you couldn’t find
otherwise. You can make great friends. It’s not cheap
to travel to these, we know, especially with gas prices
shooting through the roof, but if you can get there,
we assure you that there the person in charge of the
conference has made arrangements for free housing in
the homes of other members or reduced prices on local
accommodations. If you still can’t swing that, why not
try to organize your own local conference? Get with
the stake single adult reps and put your heads together.
You never know who’s hiding out there that just might
be interested in attending, to meet other singles like
you who just want to meet others who share their standards.
Just promise us you won’t let them play the “Macarena”
or the “Cha-cha Slide” at your dance.
What
do you think, readers? She’s all yours. Any more advice
for Sheryl? Please let us know! As always, any questions,
criticism, comments, or cookies may be sent to us at
erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.
In case you were wondering, we prefer chocolate chip
but will take just about anything.
Thanks
and have a great week!
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