Wanted: Alive
By Erin Ann McBride (free to good home)
and Juli Hiatt Caldwell (Sold!)

 We asked for your ‘imaginads’ last week, auctioning off your nearest and dearest single loved one to the highest bidder.  We got some great ones, and we have also been soundly mocked on the LDS blog ring, but who cares? We’re all having fun making fun of ourselves.  Thanks, readers!  Here are a few of our favorites.

 Mother Provides Glowing Current Market Analysis

 Okay, Ladies.  Put on your high heeled sneakers.  My son is a licensed realtor, a returned missionary, business finance major, a former gospel doctrine teacher and a current employment specialist.  He also plays drums professionally and piano competently.  He’s exactly the right age—24, and he must be lots of fun, judging from his social schedule. He has a sweet new car (brand new) Huge blue eyes and dark eyebrows.  He’s very witty and funny. White-hot testimony. Sweet and patient with his eleven nieces and nephews.  Did I mention the shelves full of trophies and honors?  Gets straight A’s while working himself through school. Whadda ya want?

Get the Latest Hybrid

Men - would you like to date the female equivalent of Tigger (of Winnie the Pooh fame), Pollyanna, and Mary Poppins all rolled into a cute 22-year-old blonde?  Yes, fellas, you will never be bored with this fun, charming, and pretty girl who loves a variety of sports and dancing.  Your children will be so entertained by having a modern-day Mary Poppins for a mother.  You will never know what she and the kids will come up with while you are off slaving away at work.  Yes - despite her blondeness, she has not only charm but intelligence!  Christy is working toward becoming an architect.  She is also in her second year as a member of a university's student government.  All this plus a "sweet spirit" (very important - don't want to date or marry a witch do you?) and (drum roll, please) she can handle money well, take care of a home, scrapbook (you want cute pictures of your kids on decorative pages with stickers, don't you?), and cook, which she learned from her professional foodie mother.  Think, men - with this "doll" you would get to try new and exciting dishes and not eat macaroni and cheese on Tuesdays, tacos on Wednesday, etc. forever.  All this and spirituality too - she has served on a variety of Institute committees, been a ward missionary, etc...  Warning:  if you can't stand to get beaten at racquetball then stay away from this one!

Ready for the Real Thing

Sweet, but real --- single, not too shabby girl seeks a man who breathes, likes to read, and attends church weekly. This girl has grown tired of looking for cousins and “just friends” to haul around to weddings, holiday parties, and other not-so-good-to-go-alone events. This smart girl has actually attempted to cook and has won the battle. Known for her famous pot roast and mashed potatoes, she is one to have won many hearts from FHE brothers around town. This tough woman has also realized that she can no longer go thru this life pretending to understand car mechanics, caulking of bathtubs, and other areas where she is more than willing to let a good, honest man shine. Will consider daring knights who have performed karaoke on stage and fast dancing in public.  This woman has been through a lot in this life and has little, if none, tolerance to whiners. Will consider ear plugs if gentleman proves honorable in other areas.

And the Winner:

This ‘imaginad’ did not win because it was funny.  This last one was submitted by a sister who absolutely adores her older brother, and if your own sister can say such nice things about you, you must be a winner!  (It doesn’t hurt that Erin Ann – who has not seen his picture- is a sucker for blue eyes and blond hair.)   Something tells us that there will be stampede of single sisters along the Wasatch Front as they race to Layton to try and snag this guy!

Super Bro

First of all, my brother does not know that I am doing this.  He might kill me if he knew.  His name is Jeffory, but he goes by Kyle. He lives in Layton, Utah.  He is 31 and is the oldest of ten children of seven boys and three (I am the oldest sister) girls.  He is six foot three with blue eyes and blond hair.  He completed a mission in the Oklahoma/Oklahoma City mission.  He is a wonderful brother.  I often tell him that he is my hero.  I know that if I need help with something that I can go to him and that I can go to him about anything (even guy problems).  He is an executive clerk in the bishopric in his singles ward.  He likes astronomy and is very good with computers.  He built the one he uses from parts.  He likes to go camping, hiking, and to museums, movies, and listen to music.  He is good with children and animals.  He doesn't watch sports and has no real interest in them.  He loves to travel and does not generally plan trips out, he just goes.  He has a real desire to get married and start a family.  

Thanks so much to our readers for having fun with this!  We know you wish that everyone could see all the fabulous things that you see in them and you don’t’ understand why your son/daughter/ brother/sister/self/whatever isn’t married right now.  We just have to remember to keep things on the Lord’s timetable and not our own.  No worries, moms—the things your single does now to keep busy will provide him or her with experience and wisdom for the day he/she does get married.  Enjoy your time together! 

Wanted: Alive

Someone educated in the finer and subtler arts of humor.  Someone willing to learn and grow at all things in life, whether they be spiritual, temporal, physical, and mental.  A love for the outdoors, mountains, beaches, and trees, is desirable, but not an end all requirement.  The ability to correct kindly and justly is mandatory.  Knowing when to tease mercilessly will get your scores of brownie points.  Energy level must be equal with mate, or in other words, you must abound with energy and be willing to keep up with all zaniness.  Education is a blessing for some, but not necessary for all.  But street smarts will get you a lot farther with this potential partner.  Willingness to always be moving forward, forgiving the mistakes of the past, and loving unconditionally regardless of circumstance, also required.  If you think you can come close to filling this tall order respond to the authors of this column!

Feel free to comment on any of the above, add or contradict us.  You know we love this sort of thing.  You can always find us at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

Advice from a Single Brother              

 Lawrence from Canada wrote us this week to discuss the life of the single every man.  He said, “Disaster is imminent. I'll be an official ‘menace to society’ in about two months. Thank goodness I can laugh at that and do my best to become such. (You can laugh now and tell me not to worry until I break thirty.)

 “I want to have fun, clear my truck loan, work, get a house, and take vacations every so often. When a Friday night looms on the horizon there are three options:

 1: Entertain myself. Read a book, watch a movie, create something new and potentially edible in the kitchen, play video games or look for music on the computer, whatever works.

 2: Enjoy an evening with "the guys" (a lovely little sect which has survived for many years, altered every so often with the occasional changing of the girlfriendish entities) because I can be myself. If I say something injudicious, they insult me back instead of getting offended.  Opinions are given whether or not they're asked for and there's no pressure to be impressive. Watch a movie, eat junk, laugh at everything. If someone doesn't like it, that’ their problem. How can this improve? Okay, okay, it would be nice if there was someone to occasionally go to plays with or walk in the river valley, enjoy thunderstorms and such, who wouldn't look at me like I was an alien for suggesting such. 

3: A date, a place where everyone is too polite. Unwilling to jeopardize a first impression and instead comes off as... dull. If I take a girl to a nice restaurant, it would be nice if she ordered something she wants rather than the cheapest, smallest thing on the menu (if he takes you to

Che' Pierre's, chances are he's prepared for the bill). When asked which movie or play she would like to see, she should be honest.  The one answer I'm sick of hearing is ‘whatever you'd like to see.’ Thinking about it now, it occurs to me that it would actually be refreshing to have a date disagree with me about something. An evening with someone with guts would be a lot more memorable than the sterile events that too often occur.

“Girls, a note to remember. Yes, chances are he wants an appetizer, but he probably won't get one if you aren't receptive. He'll feel bad if you don't have any of it. If you have a salad that takes five minutes to eat, he'll probably sacrifice the steak he was looking forward to because he doesn't want you to wait half an hour for him to finish eating.  Dessert? Probably, especially if he had a tiny entree which complimented yours.  Once again, he'll probably skip it if you politely decline. I admit we're driven by our stomachs. Neither half of the date should act like a pig, but enjoying a meal is part of appreciating the restaurant he's been kind enough to share with you.

“At the risk of showing my true colors, I admit I am picky about who I'll ask out. There has to be something extra special to make me bother because, in my vast (hear the irony in that) experience, many people are simply not worth knowing. I can't tolerate another discussion about GAP clothing or a vapid analysis of the different hair styles in Hollywood (guys of course, don't initiate any conversation involving Conan, Star Trek/Wars, Dungeons & Dragons, or {shudder} Magic {the dorky card game}). I don't want to waste an evening; my time is valuable and so is hers. If by the end of the evening I start to wish I'd stayed home to read a book, it was wasted.”

 While we don’t necessarily agree with his assessment that many people are just not worth knowing, Lawrence still has some valid points.  Come to the date prepared.  If the only things you have to talk about are Brad and Jen’s divorce or Hilary Duff’s new porcelain veneers, you’re going to have a long night.  It’s okay to be smart and show it—just don’t get carried away.  Chances are excellent that the average person you might date won’t be able to find the humor in amoebic functions like you do.  Find the happy medium and don’t be afraid to have a good time!