One Size Fits All?
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell

There are some who apparently believe that all singles are created equal, but this is simply not true.  Singles probably never did all come in one shape or size, but in today’s market things really have become more diverse.  Some still get married young at BYU.  Most don’t.  Most singles don’t even attend a church school (whether by choice or by fate).  Most singles won’t be in a singles ward this year.  And a good number of singles are not single for the first time in their lives.  And many singles are also single parents. 

Today in America, Australia, and other nations that begin with the letter A, a single woman will be accused of “doing too many things” for guys.  She makes him dinner, throws too many parties, and doesn’t let the guys “work for it.”  A young man will be told that he doesn’t ask girls out on dates often enough. 

Another young woman will be told she is too “career-minded,” and that is why men don’t want to marry her.  Conversely a man will be told he needs to focus on his education because he has to provide for a wife and family someday.  Another young woman will turn down a date because the guy that asked just isn’t interesting enough.  Yet another young woman will sit and home and wonder why, in spite of all of her good traits, she never gets asked out. 

If she’s not getting asked out, why can’t she hang out with friends?  Why can’t she throw parties?  Are all singles required to wait for their eternal companions to fall into their laps like manna from the sky? 

Is it really so bad that she is living life to the fullest?  Is it possible that her full life is what is scaring the men off?  And would she ever want to be with a guy who thinks less of her for having a full life?

Picking One for the Team

Lately I have really started to contemplate the purpose of being single.  What does being single really get you?  In theory, it will get you a husband eventually, but there are hundreds … maybe thousands (dare we say tens of thousands?) of us who wonder if we’ll really ever get that.  At some point in our respective dating careers, we start to feel like we are the last ones getting picked for the team.  We look around and realize that the team captain with his beautiful blue eyes, great personality, and sparkling smile is about to pick the drab girl next to you.  We know that she can be amazing in her own right, but you know that you slide into second much better than she does! You can’t help but wonder what is wrong with you. Why is she getting picked first? 

Is there something that horribly wrong with me?  What is it?  Do I grow scales and have boogers hanging from my nose as soon as I leave my bathroom mirror?  Why don’t guys like me?  What is wrong with me?

We all have moments of despair like this, when we have to build ourselves back up.  You need to give yourself a pep talk to get back in the game, put yourself back in line to be picked.  And then there are days you stand back and look at some of the girls that did get picked.  What do they have that I don’t?  Why did he pick her over me?  How can a girl like that get picked and even get married?  What does she know that I don’t?

Defining Single

Somewhere in your mid-twenties you stop being a cute young co-ed and move on to being single. Single is a whole different ball game.  It is that phase in life when all the girlfriends that you hung around with in your twenties have all married off or moved away. You are forced to start making new friends your own age and in the same place in life.  Actually “your own age” takes on a whole new meeting.  With fewer and fewer single people around your age, you start becoming friends with anyone within a ten-year radius.  You even find yourself hanging out with Johnny, that little boy you used to baby-sit. 

Our lives revolve around our jobs and our marital status.  Your family unwittingly makes you feel that you aren’t successful in life if there isn’t a man involved.  Forget promotions, pay raises, buying your own car, or living on your own. The only thing that matters after age 25 is that you are anxiously engaged in finding a mate.  Ever since we were two years old and our parents told us we have to marry a returned missionary in the temple, we’ve known this.

At twelve years old, our Young Women leaders made us make lists of qualities we should look for in a husband.  When we were eighteen and graduating from high school, everyone made jokes about coming home from your first year of college engaged.   You knew they were just jokes, of course, but when a girl in the ward came back over Christmas holiday with a diamond ring on her left hand, somehow her return was more important and more triumphant than your own.

Somehow, we really believe in this.  We gauge our entire self-esteem on whether or not we have a man in our lives.  And every time another Mr. Right breaks our heart, we feel like pond scum and a failure. We read magazines and books on how to find and catch a man, and start our self-abusive cycle all over again.

What the Single Woman Really Wants

I want to get married, but if you were to ask me what I really want right now, I would respond by saying that I’d like to pay off my school loans, and drive a car that doesn’t break down every month. I’d like a few less people to grab my left hand and look for a wedding ring every time I go home to visit. I’d like a few more people that understand that being single means being alone in this world and not having someone there when you go home at night.  If I make my life about what I don’t have, I can’t focus on all the great things I do have. I just have to keep praying that when the captain decides he wants me on his team, I’m ready to take my bat up to the plate and hit a home run.

And what about the single men out there?  What do you really want?  Do you feel judged by your marital status?  Is there more pressure on you to get married?  Let us know at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.  We can’t wait to hear what you think!

The Moving Man

We had quite a few readers come up with some very creative comparison and analogies for men/women as furniture.  Thanks for your feedback!  Justin wrote, “Sheesh, I pulled your article to read later — purely as an informational read (presumably about what types of furniture single women would/should have) and find that it's a mini-SAT test filled with questions such as:

58) A clothes hamper is to a single sister as a man is without

__________

   a) clothes
   b) hygiene
   c) socks
   d) another girlfriend

As one can expect, (d) is a throwaway, since there's no comparison unless he's keeping a girlfriend while trying to woo you.  (a) should not be considered as that would invite lustful thoughts.   That leaves a tough comparison between (b) and (c).  While there are some who might find a guy without socks intriguing (and some are attracted towards those without hygiene ... but, I don't even want to go there), socks might be eliminated after going back to the original statement and reading "Cute exterior, but stinky and full of dirty clothes."  Obviously "without socks" conflicts with "full of dirty clothes," thereby leaving (b) as the correct answer.”

Thanks, Justin!  We never would have considered making it a multiple choice exam.  The wheels are turning now …

Brent said, “Well, you didn’t list the file cabinet.  You can always find some old file or news clipping of something long ago and totally irrelevant in the present.  Everything is in there, just hanging out.  She never forgets.  These things pop up at the worst times.  You’ll find all sorts of stuff you don’t need, but can’t the warranty or receipt for the thing you’re looking for.”

Kolache Lynn wrote, “When I was first married to the children’s father, I thought he was a particularly charming Antique Couch. But over 20 years, I learned that he was only an Occasional Chair, which meant that often he was a Cheap Ikea Dresser, with a retractable Ottoman, built in Garbage Disposal, CD Player, and Paper Shredder.  And sometimes he was an Occasional Table, stacked with books and junk mail and cutoff notices.”  This is why women have felt since the beginning of time that all men should come with operating instructions and a complete user’s manual (and we’re 139% sure the men feel the same way about women.)  Thanks, Lynn!

Wanda has some great advice for singles in general.  She said, “Sisters, brothers, please, don't look at your ‘singledom’ as an illness, a burden, or a curse. Take the time to get to know you, the real you. When I think back on the short-list of requirements I formally had for a partner, I'm shocked! It was almost anyone so long as he were male, hence the divorce!  Even after a temple marriage!! Use your time to really get to know you. Figure out what you want, and why did other relationships fail?

“I'm now 59, and there is to my knowledge not one single LDS male within a 100-mile radius. I've joined and left a handful of LDS single net services, don't know what those guys are looking for, but over all I have discovered, I'm okay. I'm single, smart, attractive, loving, caring, and I'm okay. One day, God willing, he will come into my life.  Until then I do all I can to enjoy the gospel, the church, the messages of the prophet, and having the sacrament.

“Today, again, I sat alone in the pew. That's okay. I sat near the a/c register, was comfortable, had a great view of the chapel and was fed a great lesson as usual. I don't go to see and be seen; I go because I should be there, to respect and keep my covenants. Being single is just that. The gospel, the Lord, doesn't care about my marital status. Neither do I. Yes, I get lonely; I am human after all, but avoid the messages, the love, the Mormon way of life as it were because I felt no one noticed me, or joke about my singleness ... no. After all, going to sacrament is not for the purpose of securing a date.  You’re there to make a proper connection with Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost, and Father.”

Great advice, Wanda.  Thank you for sharing.  If any of you would like to share or add on to this, let us know.  You know where to find us!

Thanks and have a great week!