Ode to the Breakup … and Moving On
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell

“Marriage is an institution.  Love is blind.  Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.”

Thanks to Clarke for our quote of the day!

Where’s a Defibrillator When You Need One?

The trouble with the truth is it sometimes hurts … and the truth is that a broken heart always hurts.  It doesn’t just hurt when it gets broken; it hurts when it heals.  It hurts as the wound closes up.  But that isn’t the right imagery at all.  A broken heart is a muscle that has been torn and abused, and then paralyzed.  There is no outside wound to look at, no way of seeing if it has healed properly or completely.  The stinging sensation of the injured muscle attempting to move and feel again … it is this renewed use of the damaged muscle that really hurts. 

There is so much pain associated with the breaking of the heart, but after the deed is done there is not much you can do.  It hurts, pure and simple.  The pain that surprises you comes when trying to use your heart again.  You’re not sure if it’s ready; when can you really know when it is safe to use it again?  When will it not hurt?  The heart desperately desires to feel something again, to be wanted, to be held, but these desires are checked, even contradicted by the terrorizing and paralyzing fear of pain and rejection again.  The more times the heart has been injured and broken, the harder it is to trust using it again.  You know it will function, but is the initial pain worth it?

How hard is it to put the heart out for others to see?  To experience? To abuse?  How long do we wear it on a sleeve, wanting another to see it, reach for it, take it?  When someone tries to reach out and touch it, do we shut down, pull back, refuse to take the risk?  Are we terrified of what may happen next?  We hold our hearts out there, waving it around, calling, “Look, I have a heart.  It was broken, but it wants your attention!”  But silently you think, “Please don’t touch it too hard.  It’s prone to spasms, and contortions, and causes me horrible pain each time it starts to function again.  It’s not your fault, but I can’t let you get too close to it.  It’s for both of our protection.” 

When You Know It Has to Start Beating Again

The overwhelming desire is to be loved, to feel again, to love another, to have someone to share all the little things and all the big things, and just to have someone to have.  There are times when the need to have emotional contact with another can be so gripping and painful that it leaves you in tears.  This is especially fearful when there is someone you want to let in, but the trepidation is still too paralyzing.  Finding the ability even to be truthful, honest, and open with someone you can only see wonderful things in takes major effort.  In other words, there may be someone you are tempted to trust and love, but this person also has the potential to hurt you. 

Step One is allowing yourself to see that there are people worth feeling something for again.  Step Two is the enjoyable part, the part you want to be a part of, and you partially allow yourself into the game again.  But Step Three is what you fear will inevitably happen, and the part you fear most.  This is the part where you have met a good person, and you enjoy being with him (or her), and you have invested your emotions into him, and now he has the power to hurt you.  And you just don’t know if you can do it again.  You just don’t know that you can allow yourself to be hurt again, no matter how wonderful this person is.

All relationships require an emotional investment.  But for those who have their whole, intact heart to use to invest, asking for a $20 investment isn’t much.  They had a heart with $100 to give.  But to a heart that has been broken before, and only has $10 left in it, the $2 may be more than they have to give.

Sometimes the problem with a broken heart is discovering that you can feel again.  Finding someone you wish more than anything you could allow yourself to share your heart with again fills you with hope…but then you find that you are either too scared of sharing yourself, or finding that they don’t reciprocate your feelings.

There are so many things that just hurt, scare us away, and make us believe that love is not worth the effort required.  For some it comes so easy.  They see someone, they speak to them, they go out with them, and nearly overnight, the couple gets married.  For most of us, though, love requires work, pain, and effort, and all of them again in repeat.  The clichés will continue ad nauseum.  “Get back on the horse.”  “There’s another fish in the sea.”  “Try, try again.”  “Your husband will be hotter.”  The ironic part here is that we don’t see the benefit or truth to these axioms when we need them most.  We just want to hide, and we pray for the hurt to go away. 

Times like these are when we can benefit from just investing that heart money into ourselves.  When we take care of our spiritual and temporal selves, the heart can only get stronger.  Yes, we fear that the heart will break again, but we are stronger for it.  We have hopefully learned something from it, something that we can apply to future relationships that may just prevent that horrible heartache from happening in the same way again.  Take the time to fix what went wrong on your end, because it’s not sensible to cross our fingers and hope for the best when we start a new relationship.  We must acknowledge what we could have done better in the past, and know where we want to go in the future.  Leon Tec said, “A sailor without a destination cannot hope for a favorable wind.” 

So when you’re ready, take a big deep breath, inch your way to the edge of the diving board, plug your nose, close your eyes, and jump in with a banshee yell.  If you’re going to do this, do it in a way that makes everyone sit up and notice.   The water may be cold, but when you’re ready to take the plunge back into the dating pool, it’s best to jump right in and get the shock over with.  Splashing a little water on your arms while you cringe and your teeth chatter only prolongs the agony.  Do what you must to stay afloat, avoid the bottom dwellers, and find the person whose swimming suit complements your own.  Synchronized swimming is much more fun in pairs!

Tell us all about you heartache or what you did to overcome it at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. 

At 90, the Baroness Burdett-Coutts was asked, "When does a woman stop hoping for romance?"  She answered, "Goodness, I don't know yet!"  A quote by Channing Pollock, sent in by Meridian reader Paul.  Thanks, Paul!

More From You:

AMS in Las Vegas found last week’s article on going to your activities very interesting.  She wrote, “I went to activities, I encouraged activities, I even moved (to different ward, stakes, even countries!)  I dated a lot for about 10 years and then went dateless in the early thirties to early forties.  I tried LDS internet dating and had men think I was desperate when they would misinterpret an innocent comment about kindred spirits (read, or even watch, Anne of Green Gables, Mister) or tell me I was a liar because they think when you say you are blonde that it must mean honey or platinum (same guy who thought kindred spirit meant I was proposing that we had pledged our love to each other in the pre-existence: puleeze!) They would complain about everything, lie about things (even being LDS), get mad and dump me when they spent too much money on long-distance calls because they didn't know how to budget themselves or how to get a good long distance plan, and then, of course, say, "You are too far away.  I am looking for someone closer."  My first reaction to this last one was just as you said:  Get off your computer and go support your local SA leaders.  

“I was told by well-meaning married members to “stay in one place” (easier when you own your home as opposed to renting an apartment, or if not depending upon your own paycheque and having to change jobs); "get out there and meet people" (I am already going to activities and encouraging extra ones); "you are too picky" (I am sorry, but did you not have any say in your marriage?  Plus, sometimes, the fellow you like doesn't think you are perfect enough — or you are too perfect for him); and my personal favorite, "If you were closer to the Lord you would be married, too."  Now, that one is just plain scary besides being terribly wrong.  Yikes!

“Everyone married is going to have an opinion as to why you are single and every person of the opposite sex is going to have an excuse to not get married, if they so desire.  So it boils down to my old theme song: just do what you can do to be a terrific you (not do what you want) and be happy in the journey.”  Very true, AMS.  We can make excuses, or we can just be who we are and enjoy the ride.  It’s a choice, pure and simple.

Help for an Average Joe

A guy named Joe wrote us this week asking for our advice.  He said, “Check this out.  I'm nuts over this girl down at the Y.  My cousin has been jeering me like crazy: ‘You gotta pursue it, man, you've gotta go after her,’ claiming that it's just what he did with his own wife, who otherwise would not have even paid him any notice. 

“My own confidence level has been pulverized in recent years by an extreme loss when the girl I was in love with was killed at the end of my mission, so I feel somewhat at a disadvantage where pursuing goes.  Now, however, after a few years to repair myself, I'm more ready to go on the offensive.  I want this girl more than anything I've wanted ever before, and now she more-or-less knows it (sometimes the writer's hand will take off wild, deciding too late whether or not it's wise to express his feelings to such a person).  I backed off of course when she mentioned she didn't ‘feel the romance,’ as she put it, and we're still good friends, thank heavens, but secretly I never stopped feeling this way — and now that she's surprisingly and suddenly at the Y, where I'm going to school.  What's a guy to do?  Dear Abby, or Abbies, I should say: should I pursue, or should I withdraw?  If pursuing is a go, as she at the moment is giving signs that she wants only to concentrate on school, (and I hate to ask this question), but, what should my tact be?  To a strong degree, her schooling's a front if I'm not mistaken, but what do I know? 

“I’ve already tried the frontal assault with her, and in doing so shooting down months of side-steering and quietly sneaking myself behind ‘enemy lines,’ as it were.  The words of my cousin don't leave me: ‘You've gotta pursue her!’ making it sound like it's a move I'm obviously making, to her and probably everyone else, disregarding what she particularly thinks about it (unless of course she eventually throws me off), but to pursue, in a courteous gentlemanly and attractive manner of course, whatever all that means  He also makes it sound like, should I do so, then results are a given: she'll eventually turn around and, even reluctantly, see in me what I see in her, and feel that way too.  Grrrrrrrr ... So my advantage is that her family and I are old friends, so by default, she and I are also old friends, and in the past year or so, post-mission time basically, she's one of the few who's really caught my attention, and it's been nice and easy to flirt with her and all that.  What do you two ladies think?

”My question for you both: do I pursue or do I withdraw?  I don't know if I have it in me to hold off, not for long anyhow.  I'm totally open to dating other girls, but she's always in the back of my mind, or heart, if you like.  So there's a few thoughts relating to your recent article — I'd love hearing this duo's feedback (but please, if you're going to encourage I go behind enemy lines again, don't send me unarmed).  Thanks for reading, for your thoughts, and for allowing me to unload on someone who gets this sticky 21st-Century mess called dating.  God speed in it all.”       

-- Joe

Wow, Joe, thanks for the compliment.  That’s a lot to digest in one email, but we will of course put forth our immeasurable wisdom before we unleash our readers onto you.  First of all, we must ask why your cousin should be the one who makes your decision in all this?  You have been through a lot, with the death of a girl you loved, and it’s very admirable and brave of you to try so hard after being so badly burned.  Do you really care for the girl that much that she is really the only one you can see yourself having feelings for?  Or is she an easy object of affection because she is there, and you know you get along (since you’re already great friends)?

While you seem ready to jump in feet first once again, we think you might be pursuing this girl a little too hard.  The prophet has asked all of us to get an education, so it’s highly doubtful that she’s putting up a “front” by pursuing a degree.  Not all girls (in fact, very few) go to college just so they can meet a guy who will marry them.  And this girl seems safe to pursue because you know her and her family.  There is very little risk involved because you are not putting yourself out there and entering unknown territory.  It is hard to start dating again after you’ve been hurt, especially when the loss involves death of someone we assume was very young. 

While we don’t want to tell you to give up on this girl entirely, just respect that she has told you she’s not interested in romance right now.  Be her friend, invite her out, but don’t pin all your hopes on her.  Since you’re open to dating, ask out a few other girls and see how that goes (however, we don’t recommend asking out all the girls one apartment at BYU. You’ll get a bad rep.)  You might find someone who is better suited for you than the first girl (and we’re not necessarily talking about marriage — just finding someone to have fun with might be enough at first.)  And who knows?  Maybe the first girl will wish you well with your new female friend, or she might realize she wants to be with you.  We won’t guarantee she will, but if it’s meant to be, it will happen.  Trying the full offense on someone who has all her defenses up will only result in an ugly battle.  Try a scaled-back version on someone who actually wants to be “offended,” and just have fun meeting a few new girls. Good luck!  Let us know what happens!  

Joe is all yours, readers.  Please send him your advice at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.  Thanks and have a great week!