M E R I D I A N M A G A Z I N E
Pigtail Pulling
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell — still wearing pigtails
on a regular basis at 30
When I was ten years old I had a crush on a boy named Michael. He was the tallest boy in our class and really good at the long jump. He once told me a joke once that didn’t involve boogers, and he had the most beautiful blue eyes. He also had an irritatingly cute habit of kicking me in the shins when we played soccer during recess ... and I’ve never been sure which of those traits attracted me the most.
At a fifth grade class party at the local skating rink, he held my hand during the couples’ skate. Afterwards, he pulled my ponytail. I was in love — completely confused, but wildly in fifth grade love. The confusion continued when he alternated between giving me a sweet smile across the class room and sticking worms in my face while his friends laughed in the background.
My crush was real and it lasted two full weeks. Just long enough for me to doodle our names together on every piece of paper I could find. It has been a long time since a guy was able to hold my attention that long.
In high school there was a boy that stole my heart. He’ll never know that he did, though. I was terrified of him. A few times I caught him looking at me, but he always looked away. My heart skipped a beat anyway. And once, that fateful day when we nearly, almost, actually spoke to each other, I wrote that in my journal. But that was about the extent of our romance and the most significant relationship I would have over the next two years.
A few years ago I met another guy, ironically named Mike. I considered him to the bane of my existence for several weeks. He showed up at parties, found a way to corner me, and the proceeded to ask me every living annoying question about subjects I preferred not to talk about. He kept me away from my friends, monopolized my time, and in general, irritated me. Half the time, I wasn’t even paying attention to anything he said. I answered him flippantly, only to get stuck backpedaling to argue my own bad logic back to him when he caught my inconsistent answers. He aggravatingly remembered every thing I had ever said to him, although I could rarely recall what our conversations were about.
Weeks went by and I couldn’t shake him. I wondered why on earth he would continue to pester me when clearly I showed no interest in carrying on a conversation with him. I vented my frustrations to a friend one day, who merely laughed, and said, “He’s pulling your pigtails. He likes you. Can’t you see that? He just wants your attention, and the annoying questions get your attention.” I guffawed appropriately at the suggestion and left to mull it over. It couldn’t be true. Why would anyone act so horribly just to get my attention?
There’s a new Michael in my life. He’s tall, has blue eyes, and likes to tell jokes, and thank goodness none have involved boogers thus far. He also likes to pull my pigtails in his own way — figuratively speaking, of course. He teases me, he baits me, and he argues with every last little thing I say. There used to be a day when this sort of behavior would have just irritated me. But who are we kidding? In spite of his annoying, irritatingly charming personality, he has a very endearing smile, and seems to recall every detail about me. And, well, I’ve always been a sucker for blue eyes. And conveniently, I can see right through his teasing and harassment. He’s just pulling my pigtails because he likes me. Now, if I could just see him do the long jump, we would know whether or not he’s a contender.
Don’t Just Be More Than Friends, But Don’t Not Be Best Friends?
Yeah, try saying that quickly five times. Good luck!
Dating ‘after a certain age’ just gets complicated. (See the above sentence if you don’t believe me.) But then again, I don’t remember an age where it wasn’t complicated. My mother suggested this week that I try the “just tell him you like him and that you would like to date him” approach. Of course last week she was telling me that I need to be a little harder to get, and stop being “friends” with so many boys. The week before that I was getting the “you marry your best friend” talk. With all of those straightforward mixed messages, it’s no wonder I prefer the straightforward pigtail pulling. At least when a boy pulls my pigtails, I don’t need to read between the lines! I know when a boy pulls my pigtails, he wants to hold my hand and take me skating.
There’s something about being 30 that is not the same as being 29. Being 29 really was for the all intents and purposes exactly like 28, which was just like 27. I will admit, however, that 28 was nothing like 26. Somewhere in there I stopped being “just out of college,” and felt like a real adult. It was probably the advent of my first salary, and not just working hourly anymore. But 28 was different from 26, that much I know. And 30 really is not 28 or 29.
The first notable thing about 30 is the sudden constant ticking of the biological clock. It had always been there, quietly ticking in the background like an old grandfather clock that you can simply tune out. But suddenly, just minutes after blowing out the candles on the 30th birthday cake, the snooze button snapped off the top of the biological alarm clock.
Not many people call it the Biological Alarm Clock; most just call it the Biological Clock. It’s more than just a clock ticking away the painful minutes that count cadence in my march to full-blown spinsterhood. Suddenly, at age 30, the alarm sounds louder and louder, and more and more frequently, until you think you just might explode! The alarm goes off every time you see a little tow-headed girl running around the chapel in an adorable pink dress with white patent leather shoes, little blonde pigtails tied in matching ribbons. It really goes off when a borrowed sleeping baby falls asleep in your arms. It’s so loud when that happens, in fact, that you find yourself volunteering to stay in the nursery, and babysitting other people’s kids for free.
All those little names you have been collecting in your head for the past two decades and pairing with the last name of every eligible (and sometimes ineligible) bachelor you have ever met, start freaking you out. The older you get the more people you know, and the more people you know, the more likely it is that you might meet somebody you don’t like who has taken one of your “special” names. You start to worry that you may never get to use those names. You finally give in and name your new puppy the name you had been saving for your fourth child. After all, it may be the closest to motherhood you’ll ever get.
Who’s on Your List?
Thanks for all great comments on Annie’s list and strategies of guys. And special thanks to all the men who wrote to tell “Annie” they don’t think taking dating advice from her is such a bad idea after all.
Kalani wrote to say, “So girls have lists the guys don’t get, and guys have strategies the girls don’t get. Ok, I now know why I am still single at my age ... hmm, lets say late 30's. I don't have a list, never had one. I don't know if I should start one this late in the game of dating. Maybe it is because I have never been into many young single wards to realize how they work. I shortly was in the single adult dancing and activities games and I did see the games they play there — guys talking to you until someone lovelier came in, and girls doing the same. I stopped going, figuring if I am only good enough to be the warm-up conversation, then I don't want to waste my time there.
“Now my problem is being in a small branch where there are no single men my age, and the closest one is a YSA man who is more than ten years younger than I am. I tried chat rooms and got burned very badly there. I have more recently tried the LDS single dating websites, trying to find single LDS men in my state, and I even emailed them. I have even found some men in my stake on those sites. It’s like they like the idea of the woman being from another state. That is just my reasoning to trying to figure out why they ignore me.”
Has anyone ever heard the phrase, “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence?” Here poor Kalani thought the only guy her age anywhere near her was a YSA — and honestly, we all want to be with people who understand our cultural frame of reference. Let’s be honest here. Who knows a young single guy who wants to go out on a date with someone who still thinks John Travolta looked hot in Saturday Night Fever? Name one woman wants to go out with a guy whom she used to baby-sit? There are guys in her stake, been there all along, but instead of going to activities to find each other, they are hiding behind their computers looking for love somewhere else.
We’ve run stories before on internet dating, and enough people are getting married using this medium that it has given a lot of us false hope. If you’ve been hurt and burned by the flame of hope when you dated in the past, it’s natural to want to hide, and the internet is a great place to do just that. However, if there is an active singles’ program in your area, we humbly suggest that maybe it’s time to click the little X in the corner box, boot down your computer, and go support your local singles’ program. Don’t go to an event thinking you’ll find your eternal companion and soulmate, because that’s seriously a lot of pressure to put on you and the members of the opposite gender who are there.
If you are unhappy with some of the activities they plan, why not suggest a new singles’ club that is open to all? Invite people over for a book club, host an international dinner where everyone brings a dish from a different country, play Taboo, or have a Monopoly tournament. Do something! When you put yourself out there as the one who wants something more and is willing to work for what you want, you might find something better than you expected.
And if there is no active mid-single or single adult program near you, do something anyway! Go to find new friends who share your values — friends male and female. Volunteer, join a local walking/genealogy/political/whatever club to find others who share your interests. Living alone doesn’t have mean being lonely.
Eric had a few thoughts on lists for us as well,
referring to Annie’s infamous running list of men she would like to pursue or
by whom she would like to be pursued. “A list is a strategy. A built-in, natural,
logical, effective strategy. Like most things human, we don't have to be able
to rationalize it to have it work. Respect it. So men use other strategies,
some good, and some evil. It isn't a difference. Men have lists too, immersed
in their predatory complexes; they just don't understand themselves well enough
to articulate it.”
Our thoughts exactly, but the guys will take
that better coming from another man. Thanks, Eric!
Tammy wrote, “Hmmm. This is very interesting. I believe we as women have stumbled on something rather profound here. First of all, I don't know if all women have a list as detailed and
perfunctory as ‘Annie’s’ but I too have often kept a list in my head: Eligible Bachelors Whom I Know and To Whom I am Attracted (and Who I Would Date if They Got Their Act Together and Asked Me Out!) This would be normal because women were originally designed to be ‘gatherers’.
“But this new kernel of information that men have a strategy ... well, this is news! And it does much to support my theory. Follow me here, if you will. Observing the marriages of friends and family, I have noted that the happiest, most successful ones are those in which the man truly chose the woman. He pursues her. He knows she is the woman for him, and will do everything in his power to make it so.
“In the meantime, we women are looking at/considering the eligible men we know, wondering with whom we might end up.
“Now, put this before your readers. Should we women stop with the strategies of our own? Are we just destined to fail in that effort? Is it up to the men to decide if we end up together or even stand a chance of dating?”
She’s all yours, readers. We can’t wait to hear your thoughts on Tammy’s question! Some men prefer to hunt; some really don’t mind who is hunting. What do you think? Let us know. We are always available at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com
Quote du jour
For our quote of the week (or day, for those of you who speak French and would gladly correct us) we bring to you the wisdom of our favorite author, Jane Austen. She said in Mansfield Park, “I pay very little regard ... to what any young person says on the subject of marriage. If they profess a disinclination for it, I only set it down that they have not yet seen the right person.”
Do any of you have a favorite quote about love or dating? Send those in, too! The funnier, the better. You know where to find us.
Thanks and have a great week!
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