M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

Occupational Hazard
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell

Annie knew it was bound to happen sooner or later.  

Top Reason why a Single Girl Should Not Write a Column for Singles

Writing a column geared toward singles had provided her the opportunity to initiate and participate in some highly enlightening conversations on singles and the issues they face as they search — some frantically, some frenetically, some about as fast as a two-toed sloth (and somehow, this always happened to be the one Anne had her eye on at the moment) — for THE ONE.   Which one, you ask?  The sloth is looking for Brother/Sister Saturday Night, and even then is in no great hurry to find that if other entertainment is supplied by friends, roomies, or the ward activities committee. The frantic one is looking for Brother/Sister Forever. This was the black hole in Annie’s universe.

She and a friend we’ll call Amy planned a fun weekend night of dinner with friends.  The food was rich, luscious, and totally fattening, but that didn’t matter because she knew she would spend the next day logging probably 47 miles on her sneakers on a nearby hiking trail.  The conversation was just as rich as dessert!  Three guys and four girls sat around the slice of cheesecake drizzled in raspberry chocolate decadence, each holding a fork or spoon to sample the fare, when Peter began to tease Annie mercilessly about the column that ran on Meridian Magazine several months ago, entitled “The List.”

Check It Out

Stop right here.  If you have not yet read “The Single Girl’s List”, please check it out before you read another word. This will be much funnier to you if you do so. Thank you and have a nice day!

One of the men from the list brought up the topic.  He wasted no time in getting right down to business.  We will call him Manny, but we should inform you that we will call him Manny simply because that is not his real name despite the fact that he insisted, should we use any of his comments in a future column, he would like full credit. This is why we love the boy, but we refuse to give him the pleasure.  You will see why in a moment.

“So I was reading your column last week, and I was trying really hard to figure out who was who on your list,” he told Annie, in front of all her friends. Normally Annie would bask in the light of this comment, daring him to try but refusing to tell the truth even if he hit the nail on the head each time.  However, Manny continued, “And I think taking dating advice from you is like taking financial advice from a bankrupt person.”

Annie laughed the most of anyone, so hard that the water she had just sipped so daintily shot through her nose. She knows better than anyone how true this comment really is.  It was all the more funny to her because he had no idea he was actually on the list, and featured prominently in the column.  She was pleased when the topic shifted to other aspects of the list, and why women have one in the first place.

As the friends were collecting their things and saying goodnight, Annie graciously extended an invitation to Manny and another man there to join her on the hike the next day. Annie and Manny had always been good friends, regardless of whether or not he knew he was on the infamous list.  She was quite unsure how she should respond when he took her aside and told her with trademark frankness, “Well, Annie, here's the thing.   People already think I have a crush on you and they ask me all the time if we are dating.  I'd like to go, but I think I need to avoid the very appearance of dating you."

UM, WHAT?!?!?!?!

Where’s an Eraser When You Need One?

Ordinarily a comment like that would get his name scratched off the list instantly.  We are fairly certain we know where that comment came from — isn’t there a scripture about avoiding the very appearance of evil?  But wait … so dating Annie is the very appearance of evil? Well, Annie’s mother will be tickled pink to know that there is now an official reason Annie is still single as she carefully raises the sledge hammer and aims for the ‘snooze’ button on her biological clock.

Avoid the appearance of dating someone?

What a revelation. We take you on a flashback to another column of ours, “Three Strikes and You’re Out,” about when Annie asked out three guys and received three no’s in a row before she finally managed to score a date for a huge group outing.  At the time, she was painfully frustrated at her dating life and wondered what she had done wrong. Was she too aggressive? Undesirable? Just plain stinky?

She happened upon a conversation in the foyer of the King Street Chapel in Alexandria after church one day, where she heard some of her male friends whining about how they always had to bear the brunt of the dating burden, and how they always had to do the asking and planning and organizing. It is most fortunate that Annie knew these boys well, because she lit into them with a passion that surprised even her.  She explained her ordeal and what had just happened.  We should mention that this occurred before she had the date secured and was very, very cranky coming off the tail end of three harsh rejections.

Fortunately, one of the men listening was Wes, a single member of the bishopric.  He commended her for trying and explained something that she would never forget.

Men do not have a list that changes from day to day. Men are much more methodical when it comes to something as serious as dating.  This, anyway, according to Wes.  Men approach dating like a video game, or sports, or a business plan — if you’ll pardon the very Neanderthal comparison, hunting. They have strategy going into it.  A girl they may like and may be friends with but who is not part of the strategy can spoil the game plan. He stated that if a guy were to emerge from the brush in camouflage and be seen with a girl he does not like that way, as in romantically, his true prey may see them together and be frightened away, scampering back into the bush before he has a chance to flush her out.

Hmmmm … interesting. So girls have lists the guys don’t get, and guys have strategies the girls don’t get.  Isn’t it a miracle that any of us get married?  Ever?  So while Annie was a little disappointed to realize that Manny does not have a list and will never understand hers, she is delighted at the prospect of becoming a huntress.  After all, anyone who knows Anne well knows how good her aim really is.

Any comments to add on strategies versus lists?  Let us know what you think.  We can always be found debating the very topic amongst ourselves at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

Pulling a Few Back Up

We heard from so many singles this week who identified with the column about singles slipping through the system.  An anonymous sister in Dallas, TX, writes,

“Thank you for this article.  That is exactly how I feel.  I have been inactive for 11 years, since I moved to Dallas from California.  I was fortunate to belong to a great ward in California and held many callings while there.  I've tried to reactivate myself but I also feel invisible and unwanted.  I went to singles activities and felt like I was being judged by the other single sisters on the basis of being competition for single brethren.   I went with the hopes of finding fellowship and friendship, and I found neither.  I want to go to church but am paralyzed with fear and dread that I will be judged.  I don't need anyone to judge me; I've been my own harshest judge.  Hopefully someday I will be able to overcome my feelings and return.”

We hope so, too.  Extending the hand of friendship to everyone in the ward is our responsibility.   Another sister who wished to remain anonymous wrote, “Thanks so much for your articles.  This one was a perfect description of how I entered into a 15-year episode of being lost in the cracks.  After moving from a small town to a big city 1500 miles from home, the one thing that I thought would be constant was church.  Unfortunately, I felt so lonely and miserable when I went to church that it was easier to just not go, so I didn’t.  I am happy to say that I have returned to church and now have my recently baptized husband to go with me.  As the visiting teaching coordinator for my ward, I realize that I now have the responsibility to help those sisters in my ward who are single feel that they are a part of our ward family.”

Diane said, “I was left out of many activities because I had to work and raise children, not falling into any particular category. [Being] divorced somehow is not single and less honorable than being widowed.  Years went by without a much desired home teacher.  I fell into inactivity for a few months and no one missed me until some great missionaries stopped by.  They reactivated and energized me, but when they left, there was still no one in the ward filling the void.  My favorite story is when I went to Sacrament meeting alone deciding I had to be friendly.  I sat near a young sister with a child whom I had visit taught a few years earlier.   We chatted and then her husband came by and left.  She picked up the baby and said she had to move because there was a brother sitting by himself and they didn’t want to leave him alone.   I was left, the only one in the middle pew.  It gets worse.  A sister sitting in front of me looked back and seeing me on an empty row cleverly said, ‘You must be scaring people away; no one wants to sit with you.’  I laughed at her joke and the only thing keeping me there in my shame was my testimony.

“I can’t play the piranha older single dating game and I don’t fit in family activities.  It’s thought that I work in the temple because I am single and it’s the appropriate place to be.  I work there because of a love of the Lord and it’s my calling, not because I’m single.  I know things will work out in the future eternity if I remain faithful and remember who I am, holding my head high.  It’s hard and lonely sometimes and I don’t know where I fit in anymore.  I’m too old for the under 30 singles even though I feel like one and am not an old lady yet.  This may be the cross and test I am to bear in my life.  Loneliness hits many.  If it weren’t for the few and especially the knowing the gospel was true, I don’t know where I would be.”

I guess the best advice we can give anyone who knows a single is to befriend a single.  It’s not brain surgery, although sometimes it seems difficult to reach beyond our comfort zone to make a new friend.  One reader asked if it were appropriate to ask singles over to dinner.  The answer to this is a resounding yes!  Ask them to join your family, and to bring a friend if you think they will feel more comfortable (just don’t make invite a member of the opposite gender, or your kind intentions will look like an impromptu blind date.)  We feel we can safely assure you that almost all singles will feel more a part of the ward family if they know they are welcome in your home. 

Have a great week!

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