More Miss Manners for Mormons
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell,
not just back by popular demand

Several months ago we brought you “Miss Manners for Mormons,” and you had a lot to say about it.  We are back for an updated and summertime version of “Miss Manners for Mormons.”

Rule number 1: All things Jell-O.

This is not a dessert or a side dish. We’re not sure scientists have come up with a classification for it yet.  It is served by hospitals to patients with dehydration.  Adding fruit and/or vegetables to Jell-O, no matter what color you serve, does not make it any closer to becoming an actual food, increase its nutritional value, or make it more palatable.  It should never be served to missionaries, guests, or at weddings. And if you are on in a hot and humid state, please reconsider the weather before serving this melty meal on a sweltering day.  We recognize that this is a great Mormon tradition, so if your family loves the big red jiggly stuff, feel free to make it into molds and serve it to your Jell-O-loving clan. We agree that there is nothing easier to make, but for us, however, please hold the carrot shavings.  Hearty congratulations to the Beehive state, that great state of Utah, who recently reclaimed the title of jell-servingest state in the union.  Way to go!  We certainly can’t let Iowa take away the state’s second-highest claim to fame.

Rule Number 2: The big fat Mormon wedding and other upscale events

It’s that time of the year again — wedding season.  Weddings are intended to be a celebration of the most important event of a couples’ life.  A great deal of planning, money, effort, and emotion have gone into the event.  Therefore, we ask on the behalf of brides everywhere, please dress appropriately.  Denim is never acceptable at the most important day of anyone’s life, and neither are shorts.  If the bride can spend two hours getting dressed for you to see her, you can spend five minutes making sure you look nice too.  It’s not nice to wear white or black, either.  Wearing white means you are trying to upstage the bride, while black means you are mourning the union.  Of course, all this applies to women only.  We encourage the men to show up in a white shirt with a dark suit.  A man will upstage the bride no matter how hard he tries not to if he shows up in a pink tuxedo.

We would also like to encourage those who would wear denim to remember to RSVP if you are asked to do so. Mom and Dad are shelling out a large chunk of change to finance the selling of their daughter. (Who says the dowry has gone out of style?)  Chances are excellent that they are paying per plate, and if you are expected to come but do not show, they still have to pay for your piece of chicken and your serving of mixed nuts. Knowing how many to expect keeps the bill, and chances for a heart attack when the final bill comes, a little better.

Rule 2-B: We understand that when you finally get married, you want the whole world to know. You’re ecstatic, excited, exuberant, because you’ll never again be just a plain old “ex.” We advise you to share this blessed event with close family and friends. Therefore, the ward list should not serve as your address book. Some people may not know you well enough but will feel obligated to come and bring a present.

Leah wrote, “I have to say, I am often confused about why I get invitations to some wedding receptions.  People who ignore me at church will send invitations to their children's wedding receptions — children who have been away at college whom I've never met ... strange. I can't figure it out.  I am left to wonder what the motive is.  Are they hoping I have recently inherited money and will send a fabulous gift? Is it that they want to show how pretty their son's bride is?  Are they thinking someone will feel excluded if they don't send invites to everyone on the ward list?”

Conversely, please do not feel offended when Sister Smith’s son gets married and you are not invited to the wedding. We can all be happy for the couple, but no couple wants to stare blankly at a line full of people known only to their parents.

One more thing — for the love of Miss Manners, do not include your registry information with your wedding invitation!  This is the most glaring mistake we have noticed in recent years.  Are we having a party to celebrate the wedding, or planting seeds for the eagerly anticipated gift harvest?  It is perfectly acceptable to tell people who ask about the upcoming nuptials where you are registered, but when we open an invitation for the reception of a person whose mother we sat next to once in Relief Society and the lovely invitation is buried under three or four registry cards, we don’t feel wanted at the party quite so much as the present we might bring.

Rule Number 3: There is a fine line between being kind and being intrusive.

Some people really have the best intentions but are incapable of communicating those properly. 

An excellent example of this happened in a student ward one of us attended. The bishop was a decent, humble, hardworking man who just did his calling as he was asked. He didn’t go about in his family ward, bragging to others that he was off to lead the young singles of the world. He just disappeared. One well-meaning but clueless sister in his home ward approached his wife one day at church, pulled her aside, and told her, “I just want you to know that I’m praying for your husband to return to the fold.”

The bishop’s wife could very easily have gotten offended, embarrassed the sister, gotten angry, or all of the above at once. She recognized that sister’s intentions were good, and thanked her for her prayers. It never hurts to have someone praying for us, right? While a little more knowledge of the situation could have gone a long way, she knew the sister meant no harm. This is the most important thing to remember.  Observant reader Connie wrote, “When we are offended, doesn't the gospel teach us to go to our brother (mother, aunt, grandma) and resolve the problem?” If we feel truly offended, a calm discussion of how you perceive the situation could go a long way. We know a few too many people who let a grudge against other church members fester and get in the way of their testimony, and, as a result, their eternal salvation.  Just remember to think before you speak, and be kind.

Rule Number 3-A:  It is never appropriate to ask why a couple does not have children yet, or why so few children.

Pam in Maryland wrote, “The one no-no that many in this society repeatedly commit, but which you either missed or avoided, is to inquire as to the likelihood and timing of children.  Not only is it rude, but it can be very hurtful to those couples who are having fertility problems (which are becoming more and more common).”  She’s absolutely right.  Your well intentioned intrusions are still intrusions.  Do not ask. If the couple knows you well enough to share that painful, private story, they will.  Having kids should not be the qualifier for making people feel welcome and wanted in the church!

No matter what amount of children a family has, whether it be two or twelve,  please stop asking when they plan to have more (pr stop, as the case may be.)  Family size is a very personal choice, decided by people within that household. There may be a medical reason the couple cannot have more. No one better ask Juli why she only has two, because she’ll come out and say rather bluntly, “I can’t have any more.  Thank you for reminding me.”  That usually silences the crowd, but it’s rather unfortunate that she must use poor manners to stop the personal intrusion. She figures that a conversation started under such an intrusive premise should probably end the same way. Just say it with a smile. 

Rule Number 4: Know When to Say Yes, and When to Say No 

Being burned out and giving a big sigh before doing something mean you have said yes one too many times. Remember that saying no is much better than doing something with a grudging heart. Talking yourself into the task by telling yourself that you’ll earn blessings means that you shouldn’t be doing it. Take a little breather before saying yes again. We only earn the blessings when we really want to sacrifice our time and talents. And consequently, that bad attitude can spread to others. Keep it to yourself, please

The same is true for dating. There are only so many pity dates you can accept before you get burned out. If you have no desire to date, take yourself out of the game for awhile. Just not for too long! We can almost guarantee that if you are truly meant to be with someone, going on a dating sabbatical for a month or two won’t interfere with that, but the more you put yourself out there, the better your chances of finding him or her sooner. 

And let’s not forget that during the summertime when there are so many fun activities going on that it is possible to overextend yourself.  Don’t overbook your weekends!  Enjoy every minute!

Rule Number 5: Zion is not located on the Wasatch Front

Those who have never lived in Utah get rather offended when Utahans refer to Utah as Zion, and everywhere else as the mission field. We’re all in the field, we’re all supposed to be harvesting, and we are all members of the same church, the same cause, believers in the same gospel .We are all in Zion.

Utahns, please, please stop referring to malls in Utah as if we all have been there and know where they are.  Aussies don’t really care how cool the Gateway is.  No one other than you thinks the green Jell-o or fry sauce Olympic pins are that special.  And in that same vein, most of us do not know where the Avenues, Little Cottonwood Canyon, Bryce, Utah State, and Tooele are.  To be honest, most of us don’t know how to spell or pronounce Tooele, let alone find it on a map.  If you can’t find my hometown on a map, don’t expect me to find yours.

If you move from Utah, please do not assume that all members of the Church have lived there. You may have aced Utah history in third grade, but no one else had to take that course! Not everyone is as well versed in Utah geography as you. Please understand and appreciate the different aspects of local culture that make us all unique. And if you do move, remember that pretty much the entire LDS population knows where Salt Lake is. You need not mention that you came from “Salt Lake City, Utah, the headquarters of the Church.” 

Rule Number 6: Talking to Singles

Never, under any circumstances is it okay to ask a single person when they are getting married or if they are dating anyone in particular.  They are very aware of their single status.   Asking only shows them that the whole world is married and putting pressure on them to become the same way, like the Borg in Star Trek: Next Generation.  “Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.” Yes, they may be dating someone special, and you will most likely know if they become engaged. We can’t promise you’ll be the first, but you’ll know in time to get the present.  

Recently a good friend said to us that her mother was encouraging her to date more and get married.  Her mother also encouraged her to abandon some of her tomboy ways, specifically, to stop playing basketball.  Our friend had this to say, “Doesn’t she realize every time she tells me to stop playing basketball she turns me off even more to wanting to get married?  If marriage means giving up basketball, I don’t want to get married!”  So friends, stop and think before you offer your completely unwarranted advice.  Telling someone she has to change to get a spouse can do two things: turn them off the whole idea, like our friend above, or make them feel more inadequate than they already feel in a church where a key to salvation is marriage.

Rule Number 7:  Children, Like Good Intentions, Should be carried out

This quote was attributed to everyone from George Washington to Brigham Young, but we’ll take credit for it this week. Yes, your child is cute.  No, there is no other baby quite like yours.  He/She is precious.  If he/she cries or starts making loud cute cooing sounds, please take the child to the foyer until he has learned reverence. 

Recently one of us was sitting in sacrament listening to the ward choir perform a beautiful number.  A small child was sitting with her family near the front.  She had been escaping her bench throughout the meeting, but the sight of the choir was too much for her to bear.  She suddenly darted to the stand, and her five-year-old sister took off after her.  Her mother quietly sat and laughed as she watched the bigger sister grab the younger by the legs and drag her down the stairs.  But the little one turned out to be just a little stronger than the older and broke free.  Screaming gleefully she managed to join the choir, where she stood at the end of a row of sopranos and helped conduct the choir with a great deal of flamboyance.  Possibly her mother thought this was cute.  To the four hundred people sitting in the chapel behind them, this was very distracting from the beautiful Spirit and music that had been filling the room.  Please reconsider before allowing your prima donna his or her stage debut. 

Rule Number 7.5:  Learn to Sit Still and Wait Your Turn

If you must leave during sacrament meeting, or any other meeting for that matter, please wait for the speaker and or musical number, to finish before exiting or entering the room.  If you must wait for ten minutes in the foyer waiting for a speaker to finish, please do so reverently. We’ve all been up there at the stand, nervously giving the talk we’ve spent a couple of weeks worrying and praying about. When someone leaves in the middle, don’t you wonder if nature is calling, or if you really are that boring?  Primary teachers make their kids wait before going to the little room, and you should too.  (Of course this rule is null and void when carrying out a child who is expressing emotion rather vocally.) 

Rule Number 8:  Don’t Ask

Do not ask half-LDS couples when the other spouse will convert.   This is just plain tacky and rude, and quite frankly it’s none of your business either.  We do all appreciate that you are trying to be a good member missionary, but try to remember that clearly the person has been exposed to the Church.  Do your missionary work, but remember your manners and do not ask forward intrusive questions.  Many happy marriages are strained by well-intended ward members who think they are helping. That person is much more likely to convert from your efforts of friendship than anything else you might try.

Liz is happily married to a nice Catholic man.  She shared the following experience: “At a family function, an overzealous aunt asked him when he was going to get baptized.  Having a keen sense of humor, he replied, ‘Didn’t you know that all of this time I’ve been trying to convert you to Catholicism?’”

Rule Number 9:  Be Prepared

When you plan an activity or event and a cleaning crew is needed, be prepared to head it up yourself.  This is not the time for you to stand around and accept congratulations on a job well done.  Your job is not over until the last chair is put away and door locked.  Ask for a cleaning crew before the event, not during or after. 

For the wonderful ward members who attend these functions, please realize that the chapel belongs to everyone and even if the activities committee is responsible for the mess, you helped to make it.  Clear some dishes, take a bag of garbage out to the dumpster.  They have just spent the last month or so planning the activity you just enjoyed, and most likely stressed about it for the last 48 hours.  Don’t make them stay another hour just because you didn’t feel like tossing an extra couple of plates.  And remember, nobody gets into the Celestial kingdom until all the chairs are put away.

Rule Number 10: If you get offended by any of the Above, Repeat the Following Phrase:  “They are talking About Me. I Am Guilty!”

It’s perfectly okay to make a mistake or two. We really believe that people who commit these social gaffes have the best intention. The best rule to remember is to think before you speak, because it just might save you a whole lot of stress. And when you are presented with a whole lot of silverware that you have no clue how to handle, start from the outside and work your way in.

If you have any more rules you would like to add to our list, feel free to send them to us at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. If you would like to argue any of the finer points, you may do that as well. If your argument is strong enough, we just might tell everyone else how smart you are!