The Woes of Online Dating
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell

Here’s How NOT to do It…

Dear Readers.  Hey, wuz up? Not much here, just chillin … No, seriously.  We’re fine, thank you for asking.

Has anyone else noticed how the English language has devolved to the point of almost being unintelligible?  Has anyone else observed that this horrific degeneration seems to spawn from the proliferation of message boards and chat rooms and bazillion other places where people go online to ‘hang out’ while they sit in their jammies eating a box of ho-ho’s?

Oh yes, it’s a truly frightening worldwide web, spun of good silks and bad, and many of our faithful friends are slogging through the cyber sludge in the hopes of finding their one true love online.  Now to be fair, we know people who have found someone and made it work, with a special nod to Shelby and Gar, who will be getting married this Friday in the Logan LDS Temple.  She is from Utah and he is from Alaska, so it’s pretty safe to assume that they most likely would not have met if not for the internet. 

We hear enough stories like that of Shelby and Gar to know that the internet occasionally works for some, and to you we say a hearty, “Rock on … !” or whatever the hip slang phrase du jour happens to be.  However, despite the success some have enjoyed online, we received an email from Donna that reminds us that there are some really odd people out there just dying to get the attention of anything remotely resembling the opposite gender. 

She had been writing to a German man living in the States whom we’ll call Otto, because it’s the only Germanic name we can think of that isn’t what he’s already named.  He sent her this email, and while we certainly give him some slack for the truly confusing nature of the English language, we are really sort of scratching our heads at what he might have been thinking in sending this.

Subject: Hi there ...

Thank you for asking, I am fine.  Our emails must not always get to there attended location.  I guess there is a cyberbug out there?  Well, how are you?  Are you getting any of the bad weather yet?  I seen last night in the news about some of the bad weather in the West.  That's not nice at all.  I guess in one night in Lake Tahoo they got over 19 feet  of snow.  That's hard to believe.  That is massive.  I can't even see how the people get out of there houses.

We been lucky, it's almost 80 degree's every day here.  Not bad for January.  I am glad that you think your next love should have some pulse.  I like that.  You know, that can be interpret in many different ways.  How did you mean it?  If you don't mind me to ask.

I am blessed with my work here.  It just seem like it's getting harder and harder to make it for many, many people.  You see it in your town, you see it in church how many families struggling.  Do you see that to?  Even I am an optimistic person, I see it for the youth a tuff road ahead of them.  We loosing to many jobs.

You were talking about ballroom dancing.  I love it.  Used to do it in Germany much.  Was in a club and went to competitions.  I always love that part.  I miss it.

So, do you have any plans for this weekend?  We will have rain in the forecast for the entire weekend. So there will be some indoor activities on the schedule.  I love going bowling, how about you?

Don't have to much fun, and I will talk to you soon again. :o) Otto

Oh Boy…

Oh, there is so much wrong with this letter on so many subtle levels.  It’s like an onion.  Once the first layer is peeled, you realize how stinky the job will be, and you just pray for the strength to make it through without smelling just as rotten and developing some sort of eye infection.  Juli’s first impulse was to print out his letter and sit down with a red pen, but she resisted those English teacher urges for the sake of preserving Otto and Donna’s anonymity.

Instead we will point out the most glaring errors so cyber daters out there will not make the same unfortunate mistakes.

Mistake #1:  Code Red!

Otto wrote in reply, “I am glad that you think your next love should have some pulse.  I like that.  You know, that can be interpret in many different ways.  How did you mean it?  If you don't mind me to ask.

Oh, where to begin?  First of all, never, ever admit that all you require of your next relationship is a functional pulse.  Because honestly, if that’s all you want, that’s all you’ll get.  Think bigger than that!  You know you deserve more.  If you are so depressed about your dating life that this is all you can see yourself achieving, take a little time to sit on the sidelines and give yourself a pep talk.  Trust us, waiting for someone that will make you happy is much better than settling for someone who just happens to be there.

We must point out here that there really is only one correct way to interpret the phrase, “I hope my next boyfriend has a pulse.”  ‘Nuff said!  When you hear this, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

Mistake #2: Topic Hopping

This is the crux of sifting through the dating tares and wheat via email.  Conversations that would flow in person with a natural shift from one topic to the next must be addressed as answers in email formatting.  If a person waits too long to reply and the text of the original email is not sent with the answer, the recipient may wonder if you have been painting in a room without proper ventilation while you wrote. 

Otto showed his empathy and concern for his fellow man by discussing the troubles faced by his fellow brethren, and especially the youth of his ward.  All the bonus points won for his compassion were lost when he hopped like a Mexican jumping to his thoughts on ballroom dancing a sentence later.  We like guys who can dance; we love guys who show empathy for their fellow man.  Is it so much to ask that the man who does these things so well finish one complete thought before making our heads spin as he types 80 WPM?

Mistake #3:  Know Your Intended Audience

We absolutely love Donna (name changed, we promise), because she not only sent us Otto’s confusing email; she also forwarded us her reply.  In it, she has some advice for those who ‘date’ many online:  Make sure you’re sending your reply to the right person!  Here is what she had to say to him in reply.

Dear Otto,

It's a pretty naïve single woman who believes that a single man is writing or dating only just her.  However, most women were once young girls who read romance novels between the covers of their collective English Lit. books and discussed the latest teen gossip (not the boring stuff of high school locker rooms and girls’ bathrooms), really juicy stuff relating to Luke and Laura of General Hospital fame!  While it was a well known fact that Luke, like most males, had a roving eye and weak will, our dear Laura was blissfully ignorant of that fact, and this is the point of my writing.

I received an email from you (see above) this morning.  Your last email to me was to say that you had sent an email to me on Jan. 6, and wondered if I had ever received it.  I replied and said, "no", and asked that you resend.  I doubt your reply above was a copy of your Jan 6th email ... just a few things that make that possibility rather questionable:

1.  I don't live anywhere near the west.  I live in "Virginia is for Lovers" land. Just to be sure, I double checked mapquest.com, and sure enough, Virginia is still south of the Mason-Dixon line and most definitely on the east coast. Nowhere near Lake Tahoo.  Is that anywhere near Lake Tahoe?

2. Only vampires require their men only have a pulse, and perhaps there is an important subliminal message there that you should beware!  I tend to be slightly more discriminating in what I expect in my next man: he brushes his teeth regularly, takes out the trash before the kitchen begins to look like a small landfill, and perhaps more importantly, knows that the "last days" are for real men — priesthood holders who aren't whiners and wimps.

3. I'll confess that I have watched one too many movies with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, but I have definitely never crossed over to the dark side and become a ballroom dancer.  This girl is a two-stepping, jitter-bugging, former Wyoming cowgirl!  This isn't to say that I'm a ballroom bigot.  This world, and most dance floors, is big enough for every kind of tasteful dancing. 

4. Bowling???  I'm not EVEN going there ... literally.

So, with all that said, I leave you with this final caveat:  always insert the name of your intended recipient in your emails.  This will assure that you are sending to the intended victim, uh … I mean woman, and she, and the other women you're wooing, will blissfully continue to be ignorant of your roving eye.

Amen, sister! 

So what are your thoughts on cyber dating?  Can it really be considered a date if you’re not in physical proximity?  Is the risk of falling for someone who may not turn out to be the person you fell in love with online worth the emotional investment?  Let us know your thoughts at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

What You Said …

Wendy wrote with some advice about the Single Adult program.  She said, “We all have so many expectations and seem to think because we have the same beliefs our cultural lives will be the same also!  Newsflash — no way.  Dating is a poly-cultural smorgasbord of experiences.  Not always comfortable ones, but always learning opportunities.

“I dated in the singles [program], ran singles conferences with another sister for our stake and generally worked hard to get things moving in our East Coast location.  I must have done something right as I am still approached by singles to get the word out about upcoming events — and do so.  Anything to help.

“About 5 years ago I received a sudden urge to seek out a partner.  I denied it.  Just did not want to go there again — too much hurt.  Then I decided to just go to all things single …nothing.  Went online and talked to all kinds of people all over the world and made many friends.  Nothing.  Then I decided to just be friends to people I met on the net without looking to advance the situation.  I even met a few of these friends at conferences and in large safe groups.  I met some great people but definitely had no ‘spark’ in any of these situations.  

“One day I saw an e-mail in the LDS singles online from a local, (next stake) and I sent him the links to use for activities for his ward and asked him to pass them on to singles there.  He wrote back with very short one- or two-word replies but always responded.  After several months of this I was surprised to hear from him that he was a fairly new member who hadn't had contact with the Church for a couple of years — no fellowshipping, no home teachers, no church attendance.  I asked him what questions he had and started answering some of them.  I sent him into the scriptures and followed his quest for a testimony of the Church.  I went to church with him.  We became best friends.  We married.

“Not the end of our adventures — he still loves skydiving and I still love having my feet firmly on the ground.  We go fishing and play golf.  We work in scouting together.  We go to the Temple together.  This is the beginning of a different journey.  It started in service to others.”

Dave in Virginia wrote in with more great advice for single guys and girls … and maybe to vent a bit.  He said, “I really have a hard time understanding why more of my brothers don’t get on the dating bandwagon!  I try to do everything I can to encourage those I know to do just that.  Everyone I’ve gotten to know or have dated has taught me something!  Everyone has made me a little bit of a better person (no easy job!).  I’ve hurt a few of you and for that I am truly sorry. I’ve been hurt by some, too, but that’s ok.  It ‘s been a small price to pay for the great times and for what you’ve given me.”  Excellent point.  Dating won’t always be happy times frolicking through the wild flowers, but everyone has something to contribute.  Even those relationships that have brought us pain bring us the greater blessing of learning something that can help in the search for that one special person. 

He continues, “I wish more guys would take the plunge and start dating. I have given a lot in my dating experiences but I’ve gotten so much more in return.  I know I will get remarried!  I don’t know to whom, or when, but I know I will, and I will be a very lucky guy. Until then I will keep on dating and keep on giving and getting a great time and trying to learn what you have to teach me.  You will learn a lot about yourself, you’ll grow, and you’ll make friends that will enrich your life in ways you never thought of.  Each sister out there has something for you.  Each sister has a way to help you grow.  And each sister is a potential eternal partner.  Don’t restrict yourself to one type — don’t limit your experiences.  I did for a long time and I finely came to realize how much I was missing.”  Thanks, Dave!

As always, your thoughts may be added to any or all of the above.  You know where to find us: erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.  Thanks and have a great week!