Sifting Through the Samsonite of Life
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell,
purveyors of fancy luggage

The old adage of what a woman carries around in her purse may be more significant than any of us realized.

Quirky Dating After Thirty

My mother listened to me as I described yet another guy I could potentially, in theory, have a future with.  Sadly, however, I felt 127% sure that my future with him would not include anything eternal.  I’d be quite surprised if my future with him lasted longer than another date, if that.  But you know how these things go — I had to let my mother know that I had a date so I could prove I was actually trying.  

My reasons were valid enough for not wanting a relationship with this guy.  The main turn-off feature in his main menu was his habit of halfway complimenting me, laughing, and then taking it back.  For instance, he would say, “I think it’s cute that you like books.”  Pause.  Laugh.  Snort.  “Not!”  May I please point out that unless you’re Mike Meyers in a Saturday Night Live skit, that’s not even close to amusing?  The irritating part was that he didn’t do it to be insulting or sarcastic.  He was just too insecure to compliment me, so he would start but change his mind before delivery was complete.  He meant the compliment, I think.  But then again, who will ever know? 

I described this aggravating trait to my mother, along with a few more of his non-endearing qualities.  Then she suggested, “Maybe you can change him.”  I laughed so hard I nearly drove off the road.  As if!  Like it is possible to change a man over the age of 30!

If there is anything I have learned in my third of a century (give or take a decade) on this planet, it is that you cannot change a man over the age of thirty.  Those quirky, almost endearing charms that he had at age 22 have become personality mainstays by age 30.  And they have morphed beyond quirky charms, straight into odd habits, determined to stay there forever.

Once we pass into the decades that begin with a number higher than 2, dating has changed from whose personality, style, and good looks attract you to whose baggage and quirks you can live with. Don’t get me wrong: I have heard rumors, folklore, and the occasional urban legend that a single man can be changed after thirty, but I have yet to witness this miracle for myself. 

The Louis Vuitton of Life

Emotional and relationship baggage is inevitable.  Everyone has it, whether they know it or not.  Maybe it is what Dolly Parton said in Steel Magnolias:  “It’s the nineties.  If you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past.”  The older and more single we get, the more of a past we achieve.  Our baggage changes colors, shapes, brands, sizes, and number of bags, but it is always there, no matter how far back in the closet we hide it.

Of course, some people meet you at the door holding their baggage.  As soon as you set eyes on them, they are standing there in the foyer holding multiple pieces of Samsonite.  “In the large suitcase is the skeleton of an ex-boyfriend who dumped me and married my roommate.  In the small carry-on is my dependent relationship with my mother.  I can’t do anything without opening the bag and talking to her first.  It was her idea that I carry this bag everywhere, so if you don’t mind, it’s going to have to sit right here on the living room table, in everyone’s way.  And in the large duffel bag on the floor are all the insecurities I carry but deny I have. Don’t open that one — it’s practically impossible to close once you’ve opened it.” 

There is a bright side to these people. With all their baggage sitting out in the open, nothing is hiding.  What you see is what you get.

Baggage Hiding in the Storage Unit

Then there are the people who deny they have any baggage.  The live in total denial of the Louis Vuitton hiding in the closet.  It can take a skilled sleuth weeks or months to find the baggage and pull it out from under the bed.  And when you find it, it’s all covered in dust bunnies and rust, and it takes a good amount of dusting, vacuuming, roto-rooting, and polishing before you figure out what it really is. 

My friend recently told me that he or she (as the anonymous case may be) had no baggage, since he or she has never been in a serious relationship.  I choked so hard I nearly spit out my caffeine-free Diet Dr Pepper.  A lack of a serious relationship at age 31 is serious baggage.  That’s a backpack full of rocks he or she is hauling around.  This is major stuff … not just emotional and relationship baggage, but lack of intimacy baggage, lack of knowing that relationships are all about compromise baggage, lack of when to go home knowledge, lack of so many things baggage.  Lack of a relationship by age of 31 is serious baggage.

But then you have the flip side of that.  There’s the 37-year-old who has been in way too many serious relationships baggage.  Why hasn’t he or she figured out how to make a relationship work?  Why haven’t they made the big commitment baggage?  This baggage is a sure sign of a mountain of baggage, and to find your way through this person’s baggage will take a good topographical map and maybe a Sherpa with pack mules.  Be very wary of this baggage; the carrier wants you to believe they have no baggage, and invisible baggage can be the deadliest. 

Sifting Through the Samsonite

So men after thirty are permanently quirky, but women are not much better.  Women after a ‘certain age’ (and it’s never polite to say a woman’s real age) become, uh, how should we put it?  How about “too emotionally available?”  This woman has matching pink or leopard skin suitcases all lined up according to size, and on the first date she takes out her little keys and hands them to the man who just wants to order an appetizer to share and pray he won’t spill on his lap.

“Here you go.  This key is for you.  I’m giving you my key, right here and right now on the first date, so we can get this all out of the way.  In the first suitcase you’ll find the contents filed alphabetically and organized chronologically.  This way you can search through my luggage however you feel most comfortable.  No thanks, no nachos for me.  I have irritable bowel syndrome.  You’ll find that in the second suitcase, tucked in the front pocket along with my list of illnesses, medical history, and family’s medical history.”  She then looks at her date expectantly and inquires, “Where’s my key?”  If the poor hapless man actually hands the key to his Samsonite over, she’ll spend the rest of the meal going through his baggage while he eats (if he manages to keep his appetite up through all this), commenting on the contents of his suitcase.

Other women are the complete opposite.  Oh, sure, they’ll let a guy know that they have baggage, but they shoot laser beams out of their eyes if he even looks in its general direction.  “What’s the matter?  Don’t you like my duffel bag?  What, it’s not good enough for you?”  He may expect a rumble to rival the climax in The Outsiders if he dares even glance at her bags.  Still more women will glance with trepidation at a man’s luggage if she’s in his presence and is made aware of its existence.  She’ll smile, nod politely, and listen as he lists its contents with the hope of some validation, but by the end of the date he can almost recite word for word the “You’re a great guy BUT” speech she has been rehearsing since he opened his suitcase.

The trick to all of this is not worrying so much about who is carrying around what baggage.  We all have it, so it’s pretty senseless to try and hide it.  The real key to a happy relationship is finding someone whose baggage you can carry.  You never know, their Travel 2000 overnight bag might go perfectly with your Pierre Cardin rolling upright.  The hardest part is knowing when to open the bag and dump everything out on the floor, but the right person for you will have set of luggage the complements yours perfectly.  You can dump it all out in the floor, rent a backhoe, and spend a few evenings with a pizza, rummaging through everything together.  If you can stuff it all back in the bags together, stick it in the closet, and afterward you both still want to be together, it just might be time to go purchase a matching set so everything can go into permanent storage … in your his-and-hers walk-in closet.

Single Thoughts

Teresa wrote this week to commend Dave for his comments on the Single Adult program.  She said, “Hooray for Dave in Northern Virginia! I'm a member of a singles program and I get so darn tired of people complaining about it and about being single.  Take life and run with it! Choose to be happy! Go out there and meet people ... chances are they are as nervous about meeting others as you are. Think positive thoughts, not negative.  Just because someone doesn't come up and introduce themselves, don't assume they are being snooty.  Have you been introducing yourself to them?  Maybe they think the same about you. Get in there and have fun!

“As far as singles vs. marrieds ... everyone, and I mean everyone, has issues, problems, challenges in their lives, whether single or married.  I spent far too much time thinking how hard life was for me because I was a single mom instead of just getting out there and getting involved.  Yes, some things are harder for single parents, but everyone has challenges.  Even the couple sitting there looking so harmonious and seeming to have everything going well for them has challenges. Get involved and make the changes in your life so that it's a life you want.

“I can honestly say that, in spite of being single, I'm enjoying my life now, more than ever. Is this because I'm single?  Does this mean I don't like marriage?  No.  It just means I'm going to be happy and make my life happy because that's what I want and what I choose to do.” 

Thanks to Dave for his insight last week.  He wrote again with some advice for the ladies.  Here is the list he wants every woman to see!  Time to take notes, girls.

“1. If a guy asks you out and you don’t want to go with him, tell him so straight up! Don’t come up with an excuse for this time, because he will call again and again until he either gets the message (this could take some time) or you tell the truth. Leading a guy on is just a lie. You’re not saving his feelings; you’re just being dishonest.

“2. On the other side, if he does ask you out and you want to go but can’t at that time, let him know that you’ll give him a rain check.  Maybe give him an alternate day. That way, he will know you’re serious and not leading him on.

“3. It’s ok (in spite of what you may have been taught) to ask a guy to dance, especially if you’ve already gone out with him.  Most guys are flattered. It’s also ok to call a guy! More often than not, he will appreciate the attention. After all, you like it when he calls, don’t you?

“4. Understand that we guys can be a bit slow in picking up the hints! If you’re being too subtle, it will go right over our heads.

”5. Realize that if you’re in the over 30 set and female, the odds are stacked against you.  For every one of them, there are almost three of you.  That’s the quantity side of it; you be the judge of the quality.

“6. If you don’t like your social life, change something!  If you keep doing the same old thing, you’ll get the same old results.

“7. A date is just a date, not a lifetime commitment for either of you.  The purpose is to get better acquainted with someone and to have fun. You can date him one night and his friend another night — it’s OK. And he can date you one night and your friend another night that is also OK. Remember you’re in a relatively small population base (if you’re over 30) and most folks know each other to some degree. Granted, when you start kissing you can start talking about being exclusive.

“8. Singles (or any) activities don’t have to be meat markets; they can, and should, be meet markets.  If you go with the idea of meeting new friends, seeing old friends, and having some fun, you’ll have a great time.

“9. Don’t gossip: ‘nuf said.

“There, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”  Good advice for all, Dave. Thanks!

Cris wrote with some advice for her contemporaries — married people with children and everyone who deals with singles every week at church.  She said, “My daughter lives near us and our wards meet in the same building, so I'm very close to many of her branch members because we see them so often.  We love having the whole branch over for dinner.  Why do people treat

unmarried people as singles as opposed to individuals?  When I think of the members of my daughter's ward, unmarried isn't even in the top 100 adjectives I'd use to describe any of them.  I have more friends in the singles branch than in my own ward. 

“This is a college town and I work at the largest university here.  I see many of these women on campus.  Some of us are in the same graduate program; some of us perform together in choirs and theater; some of us like the same authors or movies.  We are friends.  Believe it or not, we almost never discuss our dating lives.  (My husband and I do still date each other.)  We have too many other interesting topics of discussion.  We discuss less interesting things too.  Sometimes they all gang up on me and discuss ‘things my mother did that embarrassed me to death.’  Then I get to be the poster child for embarrassing mothers everywhere.  I don't understand why the 80's were my fault.

“Why narrow a person's identity to the person of the opposite gender to whom they are attached?  Or not?  I love being a mother — it’s the best job in the whole world.  There are even some pluses to being a wife.  As important as it is to be a wife and mother, it is most important to be me; to ‘be all that I can be,’ to quote the Army.  Heavenly Father knows each of us as an individual, so let's be individuals who are worth knowing.   Let's also stop thinking of unmarried people as alien life forms who have to be treated in a special way.  News Flash!  We're brothers and sisters, not marrieds and unmarrieds.”

We love this woman already.  Thanks for writing, Cris! 

We welcome any advice or questions from the rest of you as well.  If you also want to share the keys to your baggage with us, we will gladly open up your suitcase and take a peek inside.  You may email your keys, briefcases, backpacks, and deluxe attaches  to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com, and we apologize that our inbox in incapable of accepting larger packages.  Lost keys and other packages are not the responsibility of this magazine.  Thanks and have a great week!