The Dating Stock Market
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, who proudly proclaim that dating is an excellent investment in your future!

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have a little more value in the dating market than others?  Have you ever sat around on a weekend night, wondering why some people get more attention than others … namely you?  Why not you? What makes that person corner the market?  And more importantly, how can you gain an edge on the dating stock market?

Answers to your social life investment questions have never come more easily!  We proudly introduce Erin and Juli’s Guide to the Dating Stock Market.  Your all inclusive manual (or column) on how to up your stock value, and know when to buy, sell, or just not bother is yours!  Simply read on.  Unlike most investment experts, we will not be hawking our advice on an infomercial, and there is no 1-800 number at the end.  But we will tell you the secret to all dating.  The simple little phrase that will get you a date.  Want to know what it is?  Read on.  It is yours for the taking.  (You can thank us later.)

Some people know how to make money, and some people know how to date.  Some people just know how to do things better than others. Remember the parable of the talents?  We all have them!  Some are talented musicians, bankers, singers, and friends; and yes, folks, some of us are talented daters.  These are the people that have a higher stock value than the average person.  You either want to date them so bad it actually aches, or they intimidate you so much you break out into cold sweats when they are in the same munch and mingle line, twelve people down. 

It’s fairly simple really: there are those people who have a perceived high dating stock value, the people who really do have a high stock value, the people who want to have a higher stock value, and then people who choose to have no stock value whatsoever (but don’t realize that everyone has one whether they want it or not). 

Perceived to Have Good Stock

Eddie sits at a party watching Angela across the room.  She’s cute, funny, outgoing, and currently in the middle of a circle of friends laughing about something.  She turns and catches his eye, smiles sweetly, and turns back to her friends.  In spite of the warm invitation, Eddie makes no move whatsoever to join her.  He perceives that she has a high dating stock value, and he can’t acquire stock that valuable.  Stock that valuable is traded only by the elite.  You have to know someone who knows someone to get that kind of stock, and when you buy, it won’t come cheap.  Or at least that is what he thinks.  Little does he know she is rarely ever ‘traded.’ If he did a little research, he would realize that her value is not tied up in the number of dates she has recently had, but she really is a good quality investment risk for his dating dollar.

Real Good Stock

Cali met Bryan at a dinner party.  He was friendly, interesting, and truly into her.  When Cali got home that night she mentioned him to her roommates, who all agreed that Bryan was a great guy.  He was known for asking out girls, treating his dates nicely, and being honest and truthful.  The highest praise for this blue chipper, though, was the fact that not only did he treat all of his dates and ex-girlfriends nicely, he called his mother every week. Bryan was good stock. He was a pretty safe risk for Cali — not because of the material possessions he had acquired.  Because of his status as a grad student some women perceived that he had lower value, but he was a high quality stock whose value will continue to rise over the years.

Wants to Have Stock

Marie goes to the parties, talks to some of the guys, but mostly talks to the girls.  She tends to go largely unnoticed by the opposite sex.  She can’t recall the last time she went on a date.  Marie has essentially no dating stock value. Why?  She thinks she is putting her stock on the market simply by being available at all singles functions, parties, and dinners with her friends.  She thinks she is trying, but she has yet to realize that being on the market and advertising are two completely different things.  She doesn’t have to be shameful about announcing she is on the market, but she has to let the brokers know she is available.  She may be surprised how quickly her value would rise if she made a little more effort in the marketing (or flirting) department.

Wants No Stock Whatsoever

Lance just ended a one year relationship with Marni.  Well, how long ago is “just” ended?  Do we consider “just” ended to be breaking up five or six months ago?  Sadly, he has lost track of the time and to be honest, he doesn’t mind.  He still attends the singles ward, but quite frankly, has no interest whatsoever in dating.  He keeps to himself, doesn’t go the activities, or if he does attend, he spends the time with his buddies, glancing occasionally in Marni’s direction to make sure she’s as miserable as he is.  Much to his chagrin, she is not.  Her stock value has seemingly soared since the break-up, and every last guy in the ward finds a reason to stop and say hello to her.  If it weren’t for his calling teaching Sunday School, no one would even know Lance was there …

Except for Allie, who has wanted to get to know him for the past four months.  He doesn’t realize that she has been assessing his value for a while and that she would be an excellent risk, but unfortunately for Allie, it might not matter.  Until he decides that he wants to be traded on the open market once more, she probably doesn’t have a chance.  The flipside to this is that some men fresh from a committed relationship, once they get over the sadness of being sold back into the general market, are anxious to commit again.  If a girl is tired of being openly traded, a guy who already has a history of commitment is worth the extra effort, because he just might be the one who takes her off the market permanently.

Blue Chip Babes

Do you fear you are not good enough to ask out a Blue Chip Babe?  Her stock asking price is higher than you think you can afford?  Do you want to know how to make it above fold?  Never fear, Erin and Juli are here to help your dollar go farther, and getting the most value for your investment!

What you need to know about dating and the stock market is that everyone can control his or her part of it.  Stock value fluctuates by the day, hour, and sometimes by the minute.  From Sunday to Sunday, values can change from inconspicuous stock with nearly no perceived value, to the hottest thing on the market.  How is this accomplished?  Does it take intense market analysis by overpaid experts, or at least a good once-over by a friend doing a broccoli check of the teeth?  No, folks, it is so much simpler than that.  You and you alone have control over your perceived value.  If you want to raise your current value, you smile and let others know that you are the kind of person who will change their lives for the better.  You are a friendly person, a good listener; you take good care of yourself and those around you.  You find the joy in life and do the things you love.

It is rumored that there are several ways to raise your stock value.  The first is you have to be seen, and preferably in your best light.  Find the place where you will shine.  Join the after FHE volleyball games, throw a party, etc.  Is music your thing?  Join the choir, sing a solo in church, play the guitar at an open mike night.  Sometimes you can inadvertently raise your stock value just by giving a great talk.  It is mocked in many places when a young woman, anxious to be seen by a few new men, gets up in Sacrament and bears a flowery testimony.  Please don’t get up in sacrament meeting just because you look really nice that day, and you know it and you want to show it.  Please don’t fall into the trap of assigning false value to people who have ‘pedigree,’ i.e. someone who has money, a fancy car, or someone whose grandfather served in a mission with a general authority (or actually is a general authority!).  Quite frankly, a nicely pressed suit gives you more stock value than any bragging rights you can flaunt.  We all must take responsibility for creating our own value.  And you know what?  Every last one of us has more value than we give ourselves credit for.

So what are your thoughts on interpreting the dating stock market?  Your advice for avoiding a bear market or any interpretation of dating stock fluctuations are always welcome in our inbox!  You can send your investment advice to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

The Magic Words You Have Waited Your Whole Life to Hear

Now, for the magic words you have all been waiting for.  It has been rumored that there are two simple sentences that will get you a date.  Its true.  We’ve tried it, we’ve tested, we’ve watched it work.  But before you try this out, you must remember to ask yourself a few things.  1.  How bad is my breath?  2.  Has this person acted like that would enjoy spending a few more hours in my company?  3.  Will you run to your room and cry for hours if these keys backfire on you?  After you have determined that you have passed the above test, find a way to say this little sentence at the end of an enjoyable conversation. (Do not expect positive results if the person is running away from you and using nothing but monosyllabic phrases in a negative tone.) First, put on a friendly smile, maintain a comfortable personal space, and look directly into the eyes of the intended recipient.  Failure to do any of the above will have a very negative effect on the hopefully positive response when you say, “It was nice meeting you.  We should go out sometime.”  Once you can learn to say that without putting all of your life’s future happiness on the line, and say it hopefully and happily, your dating life will skyrocket.  It is not a come on.  It is nothing more than a compliment followed by an open invitation.  If the recipient wants to see you again, he or she, as the case may be, will know you are open and available to such ideas yourself.  Use the Golden Rule and ask yourself, “would I like it if someone said that to me?”  The answer is probably yes.  Good luck and god speed.

Declawing the Furry Beast

Guess what, ladies? We had a plethora of guys who wrote in, responding to last week’s article on cat women. It seems that they really, truly are not impressed when we say mean things to other girls, no matter what the situation. Dan in Virginia wrote, “When a girl loses it like that, it’s easy to see her acting that way in the future with other people at church, or her kids’ teachers, or even her own children. In physics terms, that girl lacks a stable nucleus, which means she’s radioactive and you’re going to end up getting burned. In financial terms, she’s a volatile investment (which some guys may find exciting in the short term), and a guy will probably end up losing his shirt down the road. Better to diversify the portfolio and try to find a steady gainer.”

Eric wrote, “Cattiness is what grows wild in a social context when character is not cultivated. It is the acting out of the natural insecurity when there is no countering influence from kindness, charity, empathy, honesty, or style.” In other words, these guys find a classy, controlled response more attractive than you think they do. The guys are simply not impressed when we pursue them that way.

Jeanne had to let us know about an experience she had that was similar to ours, way back in elementary school. She said, “Many years ago, I was in first grade in a strange new school. I was on a swing when this little boy I'd never seen before came over and said he wanted to push me in the swing. Okay, he did, and then went off to play somewhere else.

“The next day, these twin girls, also about six years old, came bustling up to me on the playground, grabbed onto me and pulled me over to a tree. They proceeded to inform me that I'd better leave that boy alone. They started banging my forehead against the tree (bonk) "You (bonk) just (bonk) stay (bonk) away (bonk) from (bonk) him (bonk) because (bonk) he's (bonk) OUR (bonk) boyfriend!

“Well, he insisted next day that he wasn't their boyfriend! So--maybe the single women you described might fall into the same basic category as those six-year-olds. Hey, maybe they'll even outgrow it eventually. You think?” Oh, goodness, Jeanne, we sure hope so! Cattiness is just as much insecure as it is immature.

Jason from California wrote with some intriguing advice. “Had Cat Woman feared that Annie might attempt to beat the fecal matter out of her for saying, ‘you have really nice skin; if you got yourself a makeover, you could be pretty,’ there would have been no such statement in the first place. But women have been content to simply carry on a burning dislike (or vicious hatred) for that person for eternity rather than settle it immediately. Women know that there will be no retaliation, no challenge to duel at dawn, or severe beating for being so insulting and thus no reason fueled by self-preservation to be polite.

“Solution: Bring back dueling for women. Such an insult cannot go unanswered. A quick, heartfelt apology should have been immediately offered or satisfaction demanded. A few may be maimed, others may even die but after a few maimings and deaths, I am certain that women will be a lot less cat women and a lot more Miss Manners. So start a petition drive in your state to legalize female dueling, and Annie get your gun, sword, or Cuisinart and demand satisfaction!”

We kindly thank Jason for the best laugh we’ve had all week. We don’t recommend seriously going to such dire measures, (and we’re pretty sure he was kidding) but he brings up an excellent point. Girls know other girls enough to realize who will put up with those remarks and who won’t. Next time, speak up for yourself if you feel like a cat woman is trying to sink her claws into you. All you have to say is, “I don’t know if you realize how that came out. Did you really just tell me to get a makeover?” or whatever comment made you feel terrible. Maybe just hearing her words repeated will make her realize how ridiculous she sounded. If she gets defensive, you’ve just found a person to avoid in the future.

Thanks and have a great week!