Dear Juli and Erin,

Can you give a girl some advice? 

Six years ago I spotted an attractive blond at a U of U party.  He spotted me.  I smiled.  He smiled back.  Sparks flew, one thing led to another, and … after dating, some hits and misses in the relationship, graduation, five years, and 2000 miles, we became friends.  We’ve been best friends ever since.  Life has moved on, we’ve grown up, he’s lost hair, and mine changed colors.  I got a little width with my wisdom; he hit puberty and got buffer.  We moved across the country from each other, but we keep in touch with each other, and even see each other every year.  He’s been my best friend ever since the first day we met.  It could have been more, but it just never happened.  Why?

We’ve never been romantic.  It’s never been more than “just friends.”  But we’ve shared every detail of every relationship we’ve ever had with each other.  He’s my best friend and I can’t imagine ever losing him.  But now something has changed.  He wants something more.

I can’t believe this is happening.  We’ve been best friends for six years, and now suddenly out of the blue, he says he’s in love with me.  We haven’t seen each other in over a year, but we talk about once or twice a month.  He wants to come visit me and see where things go.  I don’t know what to do!  This is where you two come in!

Do I let him come visit?  Do I risk the best friendship I have ever had?  I personally think he’s on the rebound.  Yet another Perfect Woman dumped him about two months ago. I am not blind to the situation here.  We have an uncommonly close friendship and have for years.  If I hear one more person say, “You marry your best friend,” one more time, I’ll scream. 

What should I do?  Do I give this a shot?  Do I risk losing my best friend? I’m also afraid that if I tell him that I don’t share his feelings it will hurt him and I’ll lose him. 

I leave my future happiness in your hands!!

Your friend,
Stacy

Stacy, how convenient!  We happen to be experts at falling in love with your best friend!  (as well as most other things we write about).  We offer you the “Are You in Love with Your Best Friend?” test.

1. It is midnight, and you’re watching a movie.  You are both on the couch.  Are you snuggled up?  Head on his shoulder?  Or sitting on the far end of the couch, multiple pizza and ice cream boxes between you? Do you want to be snuggled up with your head on his shoulder?  Or does the pizza box serve a greater purpose of making sure no one ever crosses that line?

2. Have you ever compared an ex-boyfriend to your best friend?  Do your other boyfriends even come close in the comparison?  Do you wish the guys you date were more like your friend?

3. Do you ever run out of things to say to your best friend?  Or is he the first person you want to tell your good news to?

4. Does the thought of spending the rest of your life with your head on the shoulder of your best friend that no other guy has ever compared to sharing every detail of your lives make you happy?  Or is the thought so unsavory that you can’t even fathom it?

Think about these things, and think about what you really want.  Remember in junior high, when you doodled your name next to the last name of you current crush, and made a list of all the attributes you wanted in your husband?  Make a list, on paper if you must, of the qualities once again.  Set it aside, then start again and make a list of your favorite qualities in your friend.  Now compare them.  How does he stack up? 

You can’t force yourself to feel someone for something, but maybe if you get over the initial freak-out of your friend having feelings for you, this could be a really good thing for both of you.  There’s nothing more flattering than someone who knows you better than anyone else realizing how perfect you are for them!  Best of luck, Stacy!  Keep us updated.

What do you think?  Should Stacy let herself be pursued by her best friend?  What about “chemistry?”  Does there have to be a romantic spark to get the flames of love burning, or can you play Eagle Scout and build a fire out of whatever happens to be lying around?  Let us know!

It’s All About You!

Thanks to everyone for all the thoughts, input, comments, and questions.  As always, our readers mean everything to us!  We would love to answer your personal questions, so if you have an issue you think thousands of readers can help answer, send it on over to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com!  We can’t answer EVERY question, but we promise to have fun with the ones that we do answer!

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From the Peanut Gallery

Last week we talked about wedding “Ring Decoding.”  Here are your comments on rings, or the tragic lack thereof.

No Ring Necessary

Sally wrote, “I was married in the temple and have been married for almost 21 years.  My wonderful husband has never worn a ring.  I think the ‘ring thing’ is a truer barometer of a woman's status, not a man's.”

Dean added, “What about married men or women who don't wear rings?  What is your decoder for these ‘sneaky’ individuals?  Fortunately for me, most married women wear rings.  However, some of the women in my ward, who I know are married, don't.  I'm sure it is tougher for the women because there are a lot of married men who don't wear rings.”

Juli, the married half of this column and therefore also an expert on ring wearing, would like to add one purely boring fact that concerns women and rings … and some men and rings.  The married men who go to bars and other unholy places sans wedding ring may indeed be very sneaky, but we don’t associate with those types of people (other than to share the gospel with them,) or date them, so no worries!  Women at church who go without most likely have swollen hands or have gained a little weight, and the ring is pinching her finger.  It may be a more accurate predictor of pregnancy than anything sneaky, since hormone fluctuations tend to make us fortunate women swell, and once that ring comes off, it most likely won’t fit back on for another nine, ten … twenty-seven months.  Also, some men work in occupations that make it impractical to wear a ring all the time.  We would prefer to see the nice, happily married man take his ring off while operating heavy machinery, and be able to take his fingers home with him when his shift is done for the evening.

Ring me up? 

Brady wrote, “When I lived in New Zealand I was struck by the beauty of the people, especially the men. I attended a 'family' ward that was filled with singles and enjoyed it for the spirituality and scenery provided. One Sunday I walked in to see the most handsome man I had ever seen come towards me (he had heard I was from the States and was excited to talk with someone from where he had served his mission). I was instantly smitten, I did the quick glance to his ring finger (this 'was' a family ward) and seeing no glint of gold flashed my biggest smile and flirted unapologetically. Though normally not a girly-girl, images of our wedding and splitting our lives between NZ and the States ran through my mind. After church he invited me to lunch at his home (a NZ custom). You can imagine the surprise when I was welcomed in by his wife and two kids who had stayed home due to illness.  It was a sad, sad day and a reminder that the lack of a ring does not mean the lack of a spouse.”

Ringing It In

From Donna, “Another thought-provoking article, as usual.  I haven’t written to you before, but I feel so strongly about this subject.  The ring nod only works when married men actually wear a wedding ring.  I don’t know if there’s something in the water in Salt Lake City that makes the men here forget to wear a ring, or maybe their job prevents them from wearing one, or they just lost a whole bunch of weight and it doesn’t fit … Whatever the reason, it’s frustrating to flirt with a guy for days on the commuter train and then find out that he has a wife.  Well, if you’d worn a ring I wouldn’t have flirted, just been nice.  Guys who are married think that they are being friendly to the single girls, but the single girls just notice that a guy is paying attention to them.  If you don’t wear a ring, could you at least bring up your wife during the first conversation?  Thanks, because I don’t want to waste emotion on the unavailable.  Wives, nothing declares more that your man is “off-limits” like a wedding band.  Please encourage your husband to wear one.  There are more single women in the work force than ever — make sure the signs are clear that your man is taken and that they should move on.”

What do you think?  Does any of this ring true?  Let us know — you know where to find us.  We can always be found at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com, and as always, all compliments, condiments, courtesies, corsages, and cookies are welcome as well.

 Thanks, and have a great week!