Healthy, Stealthy, and Wise
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, certified ring decoders

Editor's Note: If you like Erin and Juli's columns, you'll love their new book, Beyond Perfection.

It used to be so easy to tell if a person you’re interested in dating is married or not …

The Ring Nod

It’s a skill all singles have mastered.  It requires stealth, cunning, ingenuity, and more cunning.  In the simplest blink of an eye it can foretell fortunes and end hopes and daydreams.  With the appropriate amount of friendliness and glancing, it can take a conversation from a simple and polite, “How’s it going?” to an, “Are you busy Friday night? Well, you are now!”  That’s right, friends, this one small, almost imperceptible tilt of the head can, in fact, change futures — maybe even humanity as we now know it. 

We’re talking about ring decoding.  We’re not discussing toys or Cracker Jack prizes — definitely not the simple kind we used to pull out of cereal boxes, back when they actually put toys in your chocolate coated sugar bombs instead of CD ROM demo games.  Real ring decoding involves a quick glance, usually while you smile and nod in response to what the object of your attention is saying, and you glance just long enough to check out the fourth finger on the left hand, then move your eyes back up, adjust the head, nod some more while muttering, “Mm-hmm? Really! That’s so amazing,” or some other one-size-fits-all response.

Case Study

A young woman sits alone at a table in a busy restaurant.  The manager comes to inquire after her satisfaction with the meal she has been served.  He is charming and friendly, and not too hard on the eyes.  He comments on the novel she is reading.  A friendly conversation follows, and within minutes she realizes that he has taken far more time to talk to her about her salad than his “good manager’s handbook” recommends.  She wants to flirt a little more with the nice man, but first she needs to know about his marital status.  Continued flirting with a single man at this point would be a given.  However continued flirting with a married man at this point is just poor taste.  She can’t conceive of a way to bring marital status up as they discuss Updike and how that relates to the wild dandelion greens in her salad, so she casually glances at his hands.  But she can’t quite see his ring finger.  She adjusts about in her seat and tilts her head ever so slightly while nodding and reaching up to scratch an imaginary itch on her neck, hoping he will subconsciously follow suit.  A moment later, he scratches his chin with his left hand.  No ring!  The young woman is now free to flirt openly.  And flirt she does.

Discretion is Advised

Some ring nods are not quite as obvious.  Some people have a sixth sense when it comes to knowing who wears what, especially on the finger in question.  Some girls, usually the ward gossips, have ring radar that outperforms the blindest of bats, able to perceive almost instantaneously when a girl who was single before walks into a room with a ring on a very important finger. She can remember marital status, last boyfriend, and previous roommates, before a name; she can spot a new diamond ring from 100 paces.  Her discovery is usually followed by much shrieking, hand grabbing, twisting of the hand in question so she can see how the light reflects on the stone, and then insists that everyone else in the room come do the same.  The remaining girls will usually follow her lead while the guys look a little uncomfortable.  Men have never excelled at shrieking in delight. 

Some rings nods are so discreet as to be indiscernible and undetected.  Some people are more open and obvious, walk right up to you, grab a left hand, flip it over, and examine the mineral thereon.

Occasionally, deduction beyond a quick glance is needed to decipher the meaning of a CTR, class, or heirloom ring.  Is the wearer simply proud of her heritage?  Does he flaunt the CTR ring finger as a missionary tool?  Did grandmother leave her only material possession to a loving granddaughter?  Is she wearing a decoy ring to deflect unwanted male attention?  Not all sleuths should be immediately deterred by the first sight of a ring.  But they are warned to proceed only with extreme caution.  (Unfortunately, we must also mention the fact that not all engagements involve engagement rings.)

And then one must account for the regional differences in the meaning behind the direction of a ring.  In some parts of the country if a CTR ring is pointing “up” (it is entirely left to you to decide which end is up), it means the wearer is unofficially engaged.  If the ring is pointed “down” (we’ll assume that you will make that the opposite of up), the wearer is available.  In parts of the country where claddagh rings are popular, there is even more innuendo regarding which finger, which direction, which day of the week, and why the ring is worn.  Some rings are anything but obvious symbols of trust and fidelity.  Sometimes they are just a piece of jewelry worn on a finger.

And the Not So Subtle

Girls are not always known for such unobtrusive ways of finding information on a guy’s marital or other relationship status.  Recall the set-up of the Great M & M, (if you are not familiar with this blessed event, please see our archive), where the brilliant activities chair had provided the perfect environment for enhancing your social and food-consuming experience.  The poor brethren who attend think they are just going to eat some chips, plan a ball game for the next weekend, and maybe get a chance to talk to the girl they are interested in. 

Sorry to have to say it, guys, but you are being sucked into a web of intrigue more complicated than the last season of Alias.  That girl quietly standing alone a few feet away, who’s busily plowing through the brownie on her plate with particular intensity?  She’s been planted there to eavesdrop on your conversation.  That’s right.  She’s not just eating the frosting and then taking a long time to wipe the frosting off her fingers.  She may not ever have frosting on her fingers!  She has strict instructions to return and report every last word you utter to her superiors.  One girl has been assigned to talk to you and see if she can bring up her commanding officer, the girl that likes you, in conversation.  She must report back to headquarters as well.  There’s another girl at the door whose job is to distract the other girl she knows might be interested in you.  If this girl does in fact make it past the distraction at the door, the mission is aborted and Plan B immediately goes into effect, where someone is assigned to engage her in a discussion long enough for someone else to get your attention and move you to a different part of the room (or preferably, the chapel) where this enemy combatant’s efforts will be thwarted in her attempts to get your attention.

Oh boy.  You really thought it was just a Munch and Mingle, didn’t you?  No, it’s all about the ring, or the lack thereof.

Why So Complicated?

Wouldn’t it be great if we could just sift through all the games, the ring-decoding glances, the eavesdropping, the secret agent gimmicks and all that other stuff out of the whole dating recipe, and instead we just talked about what was on our minds?  Do you ever wish you could go to a Munch and Mingle where everyone wore a sign listing their criteria for dating, their shortcomings, goals, and baggage?  Here’s a sample for you:

Available Friday night from 7-9 p.m. for dinner, no movie.  I am obsessive compulsive about cleaning my house and car, but willing to make this habit work on your behalf.  I will never criticize your bathroom, and instead will clean it sporadically for you.  I do not like sports, but will watch an occasional BYU football game when the peer pressure gets to me.  I have a good job, but I’m bored with it.  I want a spouse that has more energy than I do, likes cooking, and sees the importance of balancing the checkbook daily.  If you are financially reckless, obsessed with bad 80’s movies, or talk to your cat on a regular basis, do not apply.  Thanks.”  

Would that make dating any easier?  Probably not.  There will still be people out there wearing the CTR rings upside down sending mixed signals.

In the singles’ ward, it’s not just a simple matter of glancing down and seeing if someone wears a ring on the left hand.  There has to be a complicated code that rivals the billions of pages of manuals at the IRS.  No dating roommates, best friends, exes, friends of exes, sisters or brothers of someone a roommate liked in high school … even though no actual dating was involved.  Wouldn’t it be cool if we could put aside the selfish thoughts, and try to be truly happy for good people when good things happen in their love lives? 

There will almost certainly be a point when we may get asked out by someone we have absolutely no interest in dating.  This is okay.  Learn to be flattered that this person wants to spend time with you.  Accept one date, and if your mind is not changed, you don’t have to make a big deal of setting up a sting operation to avoid the potential suitor.  At the end of the date, just thank him for thinking of you and say, “I had fun.  It was nice to spend time with a friend.”  If he still doesn’t get the idea and persists in bugging you so much that you want to go into the witness protection program, thank him kindly but let him know you have other plans.  Please — no lame excuses about washing your hair or detailing your car.  People don’t come with instruction manuals or superpower ring decoders.

Hasn’t honesty always been the best policy? 

What’s your opinion on all this?  Please let us know—your input is always valued at our superwoman spy headquarters, located at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. 

Your Thoughts

Gloria had one final thought to add to our discussion of marriage or mission for the girls.  She wrote, “I had made the decision when I was 16 years old that I wanted to go on a mission.  It was truly the desire of my heart.  In my 17th year the proposals started to arrive.  I had proposals from returned missionaries and boys going on missions.  I too had wondered what to do.  After I graduated from high school, I went to BYU.  There I wanted to submit my papers early so that I could be on my mission by the time I turned 21. 

“My bishop said that he felt strongly that there was someone at BYU that I would marry.  I went back to BYU (talk about a pressure cooker) and freaked out whenever a guy smiled at me.  I did meet a wonderful returned missionary.  He was everything that I wanted — spiritual, funny and attentive.  We both fell in love and talked about marriage.  One night while we were together I felt that if I would marry this worthy men and not go on a mission then eventually I would regret it and blame him for it.  I wanted to serve and share the gospel.  I also wanted to be able to relate with my future husband when he talked about his missionary experiences. 

“I decided to go on a mission.  That young man was at my farewell.  I still loved him, but knew this was right for me.  He married while I was on my mission.  I came home off my mission and once again had several proposals.  About eight years later I found once again a worthy man that had all the wonderful qualities of the first returned missionary, plus more.  I could not be happier with the decisions that I have made in my life.  Each one of us needs to follow our heart and the feelings that we have.  Heavenly Father will make up the difference when we put him first and listen to the Holy Ghost.”

Thanks, Gloria.  Some girls are afraid that if they take their chance to serve a mission, they’ll never get asked again, but you’ve proved it’s just not true!

CTR Means What???

Special thanks goes out to Susan, who sent in the following:

"Let's see your hand. Anything sparkly?"

"Yes, I just got this new CTR ring." It stands for Can't Take Rejection.

You know where to find us if you have anything to add, ask, admonish, or advise.  We love hearing from you!  You know where to find us: erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

Thanks and have a great week!