Mission or Mrs.?
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, Miss and Mrs.

Oh boy! We have discovered that the single greatest way to flood our inbox is to ask if a girl should go on a mission or get married.  We were absolutely flooded with advice for Silipa, a real girl with a real dilemma.  Should she live her dream of a mission, or marry her dream guy?

First of all, we should mention that she is absolutely blessed to have the luxury of choice.

You know that if a guy had written us with this question, we’d all be slapping our heads and saying, most intelligibly, “Well, duh!”  This is another thing that is just plain easier for the guys.  You pretend you’re in a Nike commercial and you just do it.  For girls, the answer is never cut and dried. 

(Brief Rant: Decisions are never easy for the girls!  Guys are told to go, they go.  Even with something as simple as clothing we must be tortured. For guys: one shirt, one suit, no waiting.  You can even get away with a Scooby Doo tie occasionally.  For girls, forget about all the confusing necklines, hemlines, coordinating handbags and colors that aren’t allowed after September!  Do we stay?  Do we serve a mission?  I suppose the tradeoff for all of this has to do with the fact guys will never understand why girls do what they do.  Bu then, they have their one simple answer ready to go: “No, dear, you don’t look fat in that outfit. You look perfect.”)

Advice from the Experts

In our most recent General Conference this weekend, M. Russell Ballard weighed in on this very topic in the Sunday morning session.  A girl who wants to serve a mission is welcomed, he said, but it is not something the Lord requires of you.  It’s not something a girl does just because she’s not married yet.  If you really, really want to go, you pretend you’re in the Nike commercial with the guys and you just do it!  No sister is ever worse off for serving the Lord, and no young man is worse off for snagging a girl who has served.

This subject hits very close to home for two girls who happen to write this column.  Both of us had plans to serve a mission, and both of us chose to postpone those plans when we started dating guys we thought we would be with forever.  Eighteen months later, both of us were nursing broken hearts and contrite spirits.  Had we wasted the time we wanted to give to the Lord?  In the end, both of us ended up going through the temple, and we can both attest that this exactly what we needed.  So while we can’t answer any questions about why guys get to wear suits with Scooby ties and girls have to wrestle with the age old skirts versus dress dilemma, we can tell you that almost everyone who wrote this week had an opinion and some advice for Silipa.  Mahalo Nui Loa, guys!

So What Did Our Readers Have to Say?

Chuck wrote, “If he is truly a worthy man, he will be considerate and sensitive to your concerns.  If he is sensitive and considerate, you can sit him down and tell him what your dilemma is, and talk through it.  If there were a woman that I loved and cared for, who wanted to go on a mission, I'd let her go.  But be sure that you are not using this as a test for him; you know, ‘If he wants me to go on a mission then that means he doesn't really love me enough.’ Conversely, the guy should not weasel out of a decision or commitment by sending the girl off.  Let's put it this way: nothing wrong with either scenario, but in either case, the couple wouldn't be ready for marriage to each other ― yet.”

Jen reminded us that one prominent sister made her husband wait for her!  “Silipa must have approached this decision with much fasting and prayer,” she said.  ” If she feels strongly about it she can remind her friends that Flora Benson kept Ezra Taft Benson waiting while she served a mission. Flora felt strongly that she needed to serve the Lord and her mission was a great blessing to her and her family. The important thing to remember is it only matters what the Lord thinks.”

Lynnece offers another solution for Silipa.  “Hi, just thought I would give a little chat back to Silipa to help her out with the dilemma ... go on a mission and give me his number!”   Okay, she was really just kidding.  She continues, “I went through a similar dilemma just before going on my mission. I had never had a ‘real’ serious boyfriend until just before I went on my mission (sad, I know).  I had wanted to serve my whole life, and the week before I was leaving, my boyfriend called up and said he didn't know if he could live without me for that long and wanted me to stay home and think about getting married. Two good decisions up in the air and I didn't really know what to do, but when it came down to it, I felt like it wasn't right for me to get married at that time in my life and I might not ever get the chance to go on a mission again. I later found out that my parents weren't too fond of my boyfriend either and were glad I chose a mission. Now most people would think, what did it matter what your parents thought?  But they were supportive if marriage is what I had chosen. You really have to just go with what you feel is right. Sometimes it's not a big ‘yes, you should do this’ answer, but more how life tends to lead you, like the Pied Piper in a certain direction, and you just feel good about it.”

Sherrine asked, “Has Silipa talked this over with her dream guy, and is he willing to wait for her?  I would think a ‘dream guy’ would.  If not, she needs to make a decision.  Which would she most regret giving up, twenty years from now?”

Sister Tischer, secretary of the Baltic Mission, wrote in as well.  “One of her requirements is a husband who will give her the freedom of expression in the development of her own talents.  She doesn't say if the RM came along before or after her decision to serve a mission.  However, if he truly is 'the one,' he will respect her desire and wait for her.  There are many stories out there of men coming out of the woodwork when a young lady submits her mission papers (I know one young lady who submitted her papers specifically for that reason; it was the greatest shock of her young life when no knight in shining armor swept her off the steps of the MTC, and she actually had to serve the mission. I hope she's a unique case.)  But if it is truly her desire to serve, I would say serve the mission!  Eighteen months is not a long time, relative to the eternities. The experience will only enhance their long-time relationship.”

Judy mentioned another alternative in her email that we never would have thought of: serve your mission while engaged!  She wrote, “Several years ago, we had a sister missionary serve in our ward who was engaged. She didn't wear a ring, but when you had a conversation with her about her life, she volunteered that she was indeed engaged, and would marry upon her return home. She explained that her boyfriend had completed his mission, and she had always wanted to go, and he said she definitely should go, and what was 18 months compared to eternity?”  He attended college while she was out serving us in Maryland, and wrote every week, and she served a wonderful mission.  They did get married after she went home, and actually came back to visit us almost a year later.  It was delightful to meet the great guy who had the love and unselfishness to not stand in the way of her righteous desires. I guess this would be a case of having your wedding cake and eating it, too.”

Narayne offers a different opinion.  “By all means, Silipa, if you have found a worthy young man who not only meets President Hinckley's criteria, but your own, and you love him (in other words, you're not just ‘checking things off a list and have no real, sincere, loving feelings for him), then by all means, you should marry this young man.  You can still serve a mission someday ― it will just be with your husband when your kids are grown.  So few people are really blessed enough to find someone who seems perfect for them.  If you truly love this young man, you should follow your heart and marry him before he gets away and becomes some other young woman's ‘one.’”

Kelly wisely said, “This is truly a decision to be made by fasting and prayer.  A couple things were unclear in your description. First, you said everyone but your family was pushing you to get married.  I don’t know if this means your family is pushing you toward a mission or not, and I don’t know of whom ‘everyone’ consists, but my best advice on this front is this: ignore them all. You’ve listened; you’ve heard all of their opinions. Now stop polling, consulting and comparing and get ready to make your own decision. Second, just because a man is a ‘worthy RM’ doesn’t mean he’s the one for you. If he is truly the man of your dreams, like the last line of your letter insinuates, I suspect this wouldn’t be such a dilemma.  Until that last line, I was not in the least aware of him being all or any part of your dream man.“  She suggests grabbing a coin and doing it old school. Play heads or tails. “Heads — marry the guy, tails — serve a mission. Now flip. Note your first response: Is it to smile, clap, and jump-up-and-down; or would you like to try for 2 out of 3? Either way you now know what you really want. So make that your decision; then go to the Lord and ask if it is correct. God bless!”

Laura wrote, “She needs to talk to her bishop and she needs to also put a lot of prayer and fasting into it as well.  Although I have been told (and I can't remember where or who told me this) that the Lord would rather have sisters marry in the temple instead of going on a mission.  She can in the future go on a couples mission with her husband.  But keep in mind that only the Lord knows what is best for her and she should listen to Him and to her priesthood leaders (her bishop, home teacher, etc.) before anyone else.  Also, I think that it would be a good time to re- read her patriarchal blessing.

“If she truly has met the right one for her (and please understand that this is strictly coming from my opinion) the young man will be willing to wait for her while she serves a mission ― provided that that is the right thing for her to do.  He should be willing to back her up on it and support her on it if it is the right thing.  The fact that she has found him at this stage of her life may indicate that this is the answer to her question or dilemma, but again she needs to pray about it as well as council with her leaders.”

Angie wonders, “Have you discussed this with your young man?  Maybe he'd be willing to pursue his education or get a jump start on his career undistracted for eighteen months while you serve.  If so, problem solved.  If not, well, then it's time to turn to fasting and prayer.  The Spirit cannot steer you wrong.  When two worthy choices are presented, can one make a wrong choice?  Ponder it out; make a decision; pray.  I have many good friends who served missions before marriage and they never regretted it.  They felt a mission helped them be better wives, mothers, workers, and leaders in their communities and in the Church.  And they never had that ‘have I missed something?’ feeling some women feel a few years down the road when life seems to weigh a little heavy.  You'll make the right choice!  Good Luck!”

Shannon, another returned sister, wrote that serving a mission can better help a young woman figure out if a guy is right for her.  She said, “I served a mission, and though I didn't have a serious boyfriend before I left, one of the sisters in my mission did.  She felt very inspired to go on a mission even though she was dating an RM fairly seriously.  Her family wasn't keen on it, but they told her they'd support her choice.  Her boyfriend was even less excited, but in the end, he agreed to wait for her.  She was a great missionary and did much good.  Her boyfriend wrote regularly until almost the very end.  When she returned, he was still there and unattached.  However, she soon noticed some disturbing character traits that either weren't there before, or she hadn't noticed earlier because of innocence and lack of experience.  In the end, she broke up with him, and though she was devastated by the mess, she decided she'd had a lucky escape. Had she gone ahead and married him before her mission, she wouldn't have had the maturity to recognize the potential problems until too late.

“Now, obviously, this is an isolated case. The important thing is that the sister did all the right things. She fasted and prayed about a mission and listened to the counsel of wise parents and leaders.  Then, she followed the feelings and inspiration she had received in answer despite opposition. Only you, Silipa, can know whether it is right for you to go on a mission. You will have much counsel from good and loving people who have your best interests at heart. You should certainly listen and consider their advice. However, the Lord will reveal His will to you.”

Eric recommended serving a mission, because if this wonderful RM were really right for Silipa, there would be no choice to make.  He says, “If he were the right one, and this were the right time, there would be no decision to make; marrying him would be the only imaginable next step.  I would advise anyone else similarly. If it is a difficult decision the right answer is no. There is a love that makes all other paths unthinkable. Wait for it.”

In the end, we’re all speculating.  None of us really know Silipa or the guy, but we thank everyone who wrote to help!  We wish them well.  If she serves her mission, we know just from her awesome emails that she’ll rock!  If she gets married, we’ll add another notch on the board of couples brought together through the magic of A Single Thought.  (If you listen closely you can hear Erin’s mother muttering in the background, “Now if we can just make it work for her…”)

Any and all comments on the above are welcome, wanted, whittled, and witnessed in inbox.  You can always offer comments or ask advice at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

Thanks and have a great week!