The Pressure Cooker
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell,
crockpot watchers extraordinaire

It was a Thursday afternoon and Ella had just called Annie (our most favorite heroine).  Ella’s baby sister, Sadie, had a very important date with a very important guy on Friday night.   They had determined that nothing in Sadie’s closet would work.  With great fervor they had attacked Ella’s closet, and determined that nothing would work.  Annie, a very wise girlfriend indeed, understood immediately and offered the contents of her own abundant closet.  Without wasting another minute, Ella and the date-to-be Sadie made an emergency shopping trip to Annie’s closet o’ treasures to solve the dilemma.

It was essential that Sadie look perfect.  She was absolutely sure magic would happen that night. After all, these sorts of dates don’t happen very often.  From the tone of voice and the looks on the girls’ ever excited faces, everyone knew that this was not just an ordinary date.  This was the sort of date where you borrow cash from your roommate so you can buy exactly the right shoes.  This date was that important.

Annie gladly opened her home and her closet to two excited young single ladies.  She knew these sorts of moments are the things that only sisters and certain roommates can understand.  She picked up a magazine while they infiltrated her closet with the joyous abandon of a raiding Viking.

As she read, she could not help but overhear the conversation that occurred next to her.  Of course Annie would never deliberately eavesdrop! It just so happened that her apartment’s walls were thinner than the magazine she held.  But she didn’t mind hearing the hopeful juicy details emerging from the closet. 

“I’m not sure if you should wear red,” Ella informed her sister. “It seems too aggressive. He might get the wrong idea.”

“Really?”  Sadie replied, voice full of uncertainty. 

“Red is too pushy.  You should definitely wear a pastel,” Ella dictated.  The sound of hangers screeching across the rod made Annie cringe, even in the next room.  Like nails on a chalkboard!  “Something like this would work for you, or this.  No, not that one. You can’t wear pink with your coloring.  Like this!” 

The older sister adopted the role of fashion mentor to the impressionable young lady, whose confidence and vibrant personality had initially attracted the very important person to ask her on a very important date.  This intelligent young woman degenerated into a mass of quivering jello at the thought of messing things up on this very important date, so she in essence became the Padawan and let her sister guide her Jedi-style through someone else’s closet.

We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Column for a Quick Explanation for the Men

We say this for the benefit of the men, who most likely will have no concept of why girls pay so much attention to what they wear on dates. We have no control on whether or not you ask us out for more, so we make sure we look dang good while we are in your presence.  We know you like to look at the shiny new cars, fully loaded with all the latest features;  in our minds, if a girl has a new skirt with a matching handbag and sparkly earrings, she is fully loaded with the latest features.  Makes no sense to you, but you’re the ones who want to marry us so we thought we’d give you the heads-up now: you will never understand how we think. Just know that if a girl can tell that you put a little extra effort into getting ready for her, she will be highly impressed.

And Star Wars fans — please forgive us any misspelling of Padawan. It’s not in our spell checker!

Back to Sadie and Ella

The sisters emerged from Annie’s room, victorious.  Sadie had picked an outfit to wear that night, and the three started talking about the very important person and what might happen on this very important date.  Sadie glowed as she spoke dreamily of this young man, a returned missionary and pre-med student.  They had met at church, spent hours staying after Institute because they just couldn’t bear the thought of leaving when the other was there, and from the way things sounded, this was a very serious relationship.  Annie was extremely happy for Sadie until Ella mentioned that with the rate things were moving, her family might be looking at a summer wedding.

“Wow, Sadie! Congratulations! And how long have you been dating?”

“This is our third date.”

Whoa! Excuse me? Date number three?  This girl Sadie was adorable, fun, vivacious, and spunky.  Any young man would be extremely fortunate to ‘secure her affections,’ as Jane Austen might say.  But doesn’t that seem like a little too much pressure to put on a relationship that’s just beginning?  Ella pointed out that the two had, in fact, spent many hours in each other’s presence and this was merely the third official date.  The fact that they hadn’t gone out alone more often was because the very important person has just broken up with a girlfriend specifically to date Sadie. 

And this, folks, is what we like to call the Mormon pressure cooker.

Sadie and this very important young man were embarking on what looked like a very promising relationship.  The chemistry was there between them, they had similar morals and life goals that meshed well.  If left to their own devices, chances are excellent that these two intelligent, decent spiritual beings might decide to get married.  But they had only know each other for a couple of months, and of those, had only dated a couple of weeks … and the family was already gearing up for a wedding.  We’ve talked about this before.  Some couples just know it’s right, plug their noses and jump right in.

Most couples don’t know right away, and spend time fasting and praying to see if this one is right.  This is perfectly normal!  We know one very righteous couple that dated for seven years, through college and medical school.  They didn’t postpone the wedding because of spiritual lacking, or one just didn’t know if it were the right thing.  They both fasted and prayed and knew that the time wasn’t right for them.  But you better believe they hurried themselves down to the temple when they knew it was time! 

We humbly ask that when a promising young couple begins to date and it looks like they could get serious, please don’t toss them in the pressure cooker and turn it to high.  Let them figure things out on their own.  Like Elder Hugh B. Brown said, “Infatuation may be romantic, glamorous, thrilling, and even urgent, but genuine love should not be in a hurry … Time should be taken for serious thought, and opportunity given for [each partner to gain] physical, mental, and spiritual maturity. Longer acquaintances will enable both to evaluate themselves and their proposed companions, to know each other’s likes and dislikes, habits and dispositions, aptitudes and aspirations.”

If it’s right, it will happen.  If it doesn’t, chances are high that we will feel like a double failure because of the pressure cooker — we lost the relationship and failed at what we thought the Lord wanted. For us, getting married isn’t just about finding the one for life.  We assign high spiritual priority to finding the ONE.  Maybe if we focus on being the one, the ONE will find us instead.

So, mothers, if you happen to look in the cupboard one day and see a vision that your daughter will get married in the temple to the guy she just met last week, please keep that to yourself for awhile.  When she decides on her own to marry the guy, you can help reassure her with the knowledge that she did, indeed, make the right choice.  Instead while you’re looking in the cupboard, shove the pressure cooker to the back and slam the door.

 So what do you think about the pressure cooker?  When is it all right to start speculating on a marriage date for a couple?  Is it okay at all if they aren’t engaged?  And how many dates before you should “meet the parents?”  Let us know at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

Lasagna Splatter Zone:  Your Thoughts

Mary wrote, “If manners are second nature, then it is not something one has to think about while enjoying another's company.  You are free to get to know the person without distraction.  But, if there is a mouth full of food staring at you across a dating table, that detracts from the beauty of the dating partner, no matter how well groomed.  It may close the door on the possibility of a second date.”  She recommends that mothers use the pig award at the table.  She keeps a stuffed pig in the center of the table, and if she notices any manners infractions, the pig gets put in front of the offending child.  Whoever has the pig in front of them when dinner is over gets to clean the dishes.  Perhaps Mary could loan the pig to Stephanie in case George calls again?

Paul wrote with a different perspective for us.  “I enjoyed your comments on a second date.  I admit my eldest son has not mastered the simple art of eating like a civilised human being and I take some responsibility for that lacking.  I too cringe at his hammer approach.

“On the other hand, I thought about my wife and her patience with me.  When I met my wife, I was not a finished product.  Fortunately, I did have good table manners so I did get a second date.  However, there were many substantial, glaring weaknesses that I would consider far worse than table manners.

“Without getting too serious about this, couldn't his lasagna splatter zone be his way of saying ‘I really do need a good wife?’  Isn't this really a cry for help?  If the man in question were told that his eating habits were gross, and he changed, would that have earned him a second date?”  Fortunately, Paul, we can say without remorse that the Mouth has moved on to a young lady who obviously doesn’t mind, and we wish them well.

Ellie enjoyed reading the column about the need for mothers to teach their sons good manners, but she correctly pointed out that this applies to girls as well.  “As a grandmother of 27 and an observer of many other young people, I feel the need for someone to also write about the Table Manners of Young Ladies!  I think many otherwise lovely young ladies would be appalled if they could see themselves eating!  And if I were a guy, I would be scared off also.  My granddaughter eats just like her father, who eats like an uncouth cowhand, and has friends who also need some reminding.”

Kenny informed us, “Yes, she was well within social bounds to be disgusted. I am amazed at the number of missionaries who eat at our home who do not have good manners. Moms and dads, wake up out there!  Your sons need some instruction.  I often think about the parents and do they eat at home like their son eats on his mission. Just where did he learn how to do that?”

James, an ever-gallant gentleman, apologized on behalf of his gender but made the pleas, “I am a single male who is very aware of what I am doing while on a date.  For all the women that have gone out with men that don't get it, I apologize for them.  Women, please do not give up on all men.  I am still looking for my future bride.”  No worries, James!  I’m sure we’ll receive twelve emails today from a young lady who would like to meet you!

Does anyone else have something to add about dating and table manners?  You know that your thinkings, ponderings, musings, meanderings, and other ‘ings’ are always welcome in our inbox: erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. 

One Last Thought on THE ONE

Silipa, a young woman wise beyond her years, sent us several excellent quotes from General Authorities on “The One.”  In summary she added, “Recently I've had a chance to think about it a lot — and I'm sure that I could be immensely happy with a number of worthy guys that I know. I'm not saying that things would be perfect, but with work I know that almost any relationship could be wonderful. But both people in the relationship would have to be willing to pull their weight in the relationship and learn how to communicate with each other. I admit that I have a list a mile long of the things I want in a guy — but when it comes down to it, President Hinckley really nailed it on the things that really matter: That he will love me, respect me, honor me, be absolutely true to me, that he will give me the freedom of expression in the development of my own talents, that he is kind and thoughtful, knows how to work, is honest and full of faith. There you have it — the recipe for happiness and a soul mate from a Prophet of the Lord.

“I have only one more thing. I'm at a crossroads in my life, and I was wondering if you have any suggestions or thoughts (or direction on where to go) on my dilemma. I am getting ready for a mission, but it seems to me that everyone (except my family) is pushing me to get married. Any thoughts on the debate of a Sister choosing mission vs. marriage? Everyone seems to have a story about how a sister chose marriage instead of mission. What makes a person choose what to do when two worthy paths are placed before him? Am I wrong to hang on to my dream of going on a mission when I am being pursued by a worthy RM? I seem to have found the man of my dreams who fits not only President Hinckley's list — but my own mile-long list. Do I pursue my dream to go on a mission, or my dream guy?”

Does anyone have any guidance for Silipa?  She can’t wait to read it.

Thanks and have a great week!