When a Good Date Tastes Bad
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell,
two girls who know when to keep their mouths shut

It has recently come to the attention of the authors that many a man fails to achieve second date status.  While we applaud them for asking a girl out on a first, of his own volition, we realize that many men need help qualifying for the second date.  Why?  After all the whining and bitter diatribes we have featured from girls about never getting a second date, why would we condemn the man who is, indeed, trying hard?  What would possess a young lady of the ubiquitous fortune to receive an invitation to a second date to refuse such a desired prize?

Their dates cannot bear the thought of watching them eat.

Yes, friends, the problem is table manners.  We recently receive the following letter from Stephanie (name changed to protect the innocence of the poor disgusted girl).

Dear Erin and Juli — Have you ever been on a date so awful that you thought for sure you must be on Candid Camera?  Well, that was how I felt on my date with “George” (Does he really deserve to have his name changed? Maybe I should use his real name to protect the other poor girls who might get duped into a date with this guy?  Oh well, we’ll just call him George).

The date started out nicely enough.  He picked me up, took me to a nice Italian place, and carried on a good conversation.  So far, so good.  The first manners infraction I noticed was the “hammer technique.”  You know the hammer technique — he holds his utensil like a hammer throughout the meal.  How can you reach adulthood and not know how to hold silverware? 

Then he ordered lasagna.  (I had a date-safe, friendly penne pasta with alfredo sauce.)  It was frightening!!  I used to like his big toothy smile.  Now all I can think when I see his mouth is that you can apparently put half a large plate of sausage lasagna into it.  When his food came he poked it a few times (making sure it was dead, maybe?) and then stabbed it with his fork.  He attempted to lift it to his mouth — the entire entrée at once.  Most of it fell off the fork, splattering red sauce all over the table.  A bit hit my nose as well. He placed the rest back on the plate, stooped over, turned his head parallel to the table, opened that softball sized mouth of his, and sort of plopped the lasagna into it.  It almost all made it in, shockingly.  The rest of the entrée landed with a splat back on his plate once again.  It was like eating with a caveman.  I kept expecting him to say something like “Yum, Urg likes.” 

Half the sauce was all over his chin.  But do you think he used a napkin?  No, why would he?  Maybe his mother never let him touch the white linens?  That is the only explanation I can think of.  (We must interject here that if his mother even had white linens when he was growing up, he would know better…)

But the horror doesn’t end there.  Oh no!  He still had to chew his food.  And a lot of chewing is required when there’s that much food in a mouth.  HE CHEWS WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN!  Oh, the humanity!  I will never be able to look at lasagna the same way again.  Have you ever seen lasagna chewed up and swirled around a mouth the size of the Grand Canyon?  I lost my appetite.  Two bites of penne pasta and I was done!  He even attempted to carry on the conversation while chewing.  It was awful.  I had to look away.  Suddenly the marinara sauce on his chin was the least noticeable thing.  He repeated the action with the remaining half of his lasagna.  He ate the whole plate of lasagna in two bites!!  And it was a big plate! 

Please help!  I can’t take another date with the Grand Canyon!

Mothers, Did You Read That?

What more can we say? Men, if you want a second date, you can’t gross them out on the first round.  If you’re really so hungry, it’s perfectly all right to stop beforehand and grab a snack so your first impression dazzles, not dizzies.  And girls, if the guy is really trying, try hard yourself not to care if he’s not sure which fork is which.  Mothers, if you want your sons to get married, teach them to chew with their mouths closed and hold their utensils properly.  Stephanie has said it all.  Enough said.

What You Said About What THE ONE

We had quite a few responses from our readers on the ONE.  Marcel in China (wow — China!) shared this with us. “My take as a graduate of the matching game is that each person brings to the wedding only about 70% of what the partner really wants, and in turn is going to get only 70% of what they really want from their spouse. The trick to a successful marriage is to learn to live gracefully with the other 30%!

“As a senior couple serving a mission in a foreign land, my wife and I are probably living a dream that some Latter-day Saints would envy.  Yes, we often walk hand in hand, yes we're still very much in love with each other, but my wife often does things that I find annoying! And I'm certain that I do the same to her.

“I think that's normal in a successful marriage. We've learned to shrug off the annoying behavior; it's just part of the 30% we're not getting because we're only capable of giving back 70% of what the other really wants.

“My suggestion to those who are now where my wife and I once were is to look for only 70% of what you want in another, and ask yourself if you can live gracefully with the balance for the rest of your life. That attitude leads to less criticism, less trying to change your companion into your own image of perfection, more loving smiles, and more senior graduates of the LDS singles scene walking hand in hand down foreign streets...”

Marcel offers some great advice.  How many of us have thought about each feature and trait we would like in a prospective partner?  Is it possible to find all those things, or do we have to search them out a little bit more, and be willing to take most of what we want with the knowledge that each of has flaws?  All the little things can be worked through if the big, important things are in place.

Pam doesn’t think there is just ONE, because of one little thing we all have: free agency. “Is there only ONE person out there for us? No Way. We all have our free agency. What if there were only one person out there for us, and that person happened to make some choices that led them completely away from being headed our way? The Lord wouldn't allow us to be alone because the other person made some choices, while we were righteous.  And it works the other way around too. We all make different choices, and depending on our choices, we are led to different places and different people. Think about the people who have had arranged marriages. Do you really think they got paired up with the ‘One’ person that was right for them? I highly doubt it. But yet, so many of them grew to love each other more than you could imagine and had great relationships. If both people in the relationship are working hard to make it a good one, and are righteous, loving and caring people, I think that it is possible that any two people will be the right match for each other.

“And what about people who marry one person, are perfectly happy with that person, and then that person dies, and they marry someone else and are as equally happy? That tells me that there has to be more than one person that is the right one for us.”

She has an excellent point.  If it were truly part of a plan for you to get married in the temple, but your person of choice didn’t make the right decisions to get there, will Heavenly Father penalize you for that person’s mistakes? 

Kevin, the self-proclaimed pragmatist, shared his views.  “You will probably get mail on both sides of this question, as both schools of thought have existed in the Church historically.  One point of view, which I call the romantic school, is characterized by John Taylor and Saturday's Warrior.  These are the people who believe in soulmates.  There is indeed only ONE person for each of us, and it is incumbent on us to find him/her.

“The other point of view, which I call the pragmatist school, is characterized by Spencer W. Kimball.  These are people who believe that there are any number of people we could be happily married to.  Our job is to find someone we can be mutually happy with, but not the one person in all the world we're meant to be with.

I am very much a pragmatist.  I don't believe in soulmates.”

Juli’s Perspective on THE ONE

We received many emails from people who shared their amazing stories with us on how the Spirit led them together.  There are so many stories out there, from people we know, and from people who heard it happened to their cousin’s sister’s best friend’s brother … how they met and it was like lightning struck and they knew they would be together forever.  I dated one young man fresh off his mission, and we had plenty of fun, but it was never exclusive.  He met Meg, and by the end of their first date (literally!) they were engaged.  I got engaged to my husband after about three weeks, but I have to say, I don’t recommend this approach for everyone.  In my own case, I think the Spirit recognized that we both needed a good whack in the head for things to happen, so it sped the whole process up for us!  Sometimes we need to recognize a divine hand in bringing people together, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that this is the only one that could ever make us happy.

It’s best to get to know them, and like Marcel said, learn as much about the other person as possible.  Decide what you can live with and what you can’t.  Knowing what’s important to you, and what you will not accept, is the key to recognizing a person who would be good for you.  It’s never okay to settle, but if a person you truly care for, like, and love has all of the major qualifications and personality traits you want, there’s no reason it can’t work if you both choose to work at building a celestial marriage.  You just have to remember that they key word is choose.

Nathan summed it all up nicely for us.  He wrote, “President Kimball says there are several people I could be happily sealed to at this time in my life. I think that's largely because my eternal identity and personality is still mostly pliable and unfixed. My clay is still soft. But after a lifetime of self-molding experiences with my wife, we will have come closer to being shaped into the kind of beings we will be for eternity. And my shape will inevitably be greatly influenced by the form my wife's eternal character takes, too, like a pot and lid made to fit each other. By the end of our lives together, we will be the only ones the other could be happy with.

“In other words, I don't think I look for the one person who is perfect for me. Rather, I choose someone who shows promise (and thinks the same of me) and then spend the rest of my life becoming the one person who is perfect for her. And boy, am I looking forward to the process!

“Also, even if there were one person out there for me, I have found from personal experience that it would not be useful for me to know. The notion is paralyzing. As soon as I entertain the idea that there might be just one, I am too petrified to move in any one direction in dating, for fear that I might make the wrong choice. So even if the suggestion were true, I've found that knowing it would only hinder me from fulfilling it. Divinely calculated ignorance can be a great blessing!”

High and Dry

Dave wrote, “Ladies:  we follow your column religiously even though we're married. (I got married when I was older, so I think I still relate to those who are older singles and not married.) Anyway, what happened to the three dates in one week?? You've left us hanging. An update would be good.  Didn't any of them call back?

“You're awfully brave to write about your dates in your column. Aren't you afraid they'll read about it?  Maybe they're computer illiterate and can't access the web, maybe they're not LDS, and then again, maybe you just don't care. Have I left out any options? Either way, you go girl! (You've got spunk!)”

Thanks Dave!  It never ceases to amaze us that we have so many loyal readers.  As for the three dates, well, we have nothing to report.  It stopped raining men weeks ago, and the forecast calls for continued drought.  Maybe someday …  As for heroic bravery and spunk, what can we do but agree and thank you kindly?  We have readers aplenty who all have options for Erin, if she lived near them.  Her mother, however, has declared that no man will ever date her long enough to marry because he will be afraid that his story will appear in this column.  So to all the men who have any sort of interest in dating a young, cute, spunky, heroic, amazing girl like Erin Ann, we assure you that we will not mock you in this forum until after the break-up … and we promise to change your name.

Okay, we were just kidding on the last part.  We change everyone’s name.

Let Us Know!

Any and all thought you have are welcome in our inbox!  Does anyone else have an opinion on the ONE?  How about table manners?  Was Stephanie justified in her disgust, or does she need to get over it?  Let us know!  Any and all thoughts may be sent to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.  As always, all compliments, criticisms, critiques, and quandaries are welcome aw well.

Thanks and have a great week! Ciao!