M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

When Silence Isn’t Golden
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, silent sirens

Out of the blue one night my roommate’s boyfriend, Joe, asked me if I would be interested in going out on a blind date.  I was hesitant since I barely knew Joe or my roommate that well; it was the start of a new year at school, and I had just moved in and was getting to know new roommates and neighbors.  But we all know I am a glutton for punishment, so I heartily agreed to it.  Let the dating games begin! 

Much to my surprise, he asked if there were anyone in the ward I would be interested in meeting.  So I crossed my fingers for luck and mentioned Porter.  Porter was an amazingly beautiful specimen of manhood.  He was tall, with sandy brown hair, compelling eyes, and dimples so tempting I nearly reached up just to see how far in they went.  He was the Brawny man without the annoying mustache.  We had met at a ward dance awhile before and I thought we had really connected.  Other suitors there were completely ignored, phone numbers were exchanged, and then hopes were dashed as I looked for him at church and waited for the phone to ring, but I was met only with the sound of silence.  He never reappeared in my life.

Joe immediately laughed and said yes, he knew Porter. Not only did he know Porter and know him well, they were roommates!  I was ecstatic.  He explained that Porter and his twin brother, Dallin, frequently went home on the weekends to help their parents with the family business.  It hadn’t been my imagination, or even a bad case of halitosis on my part.  Porter really had been gone nearly every Sunday.  I was so relieved…until Joe said something that really caught me off guard. 

“If you like Porter, you should really meet his twin brother Dallin.  I think you would have a lot in common with him.  He’s really smart and funny.  Let me set you up with him,” Joe offered.  I looked at him strangely, not quite sure what to make of the offer.  But somewhere inside me a little voice told me I should do it.  I agreed, and a date was set.

Silence is Not my Forte…

My favorite class at the time focused on current events, and our professor frequently allowed the class to get into heated debates.  That week’s class was no different.  I don’t recall the topic now, but the whole class knew where I stood on the subject.  On the other side of the room sat a young man easily overlooked by most of the class (myself included.)  That day, however, everyone knew that he did not agree with me.  We had debated the topic by ourselves for a good twenty minutes when the bell rang letting us know class was over.  I left the room with a snort of contempt.  The young man attempted to come over and shake my hand.  I pretended not to see him and left quickly.

So Saturday night arrived and being the typical girl that I am, I engaged in the mandatory pre-date ritual.  I was excited for my quasi-blind date.  He was Porter’s twin brother, so I clearly knew what he looked like.  I couldn’t wait to see my Brawny man’s twin!  He, on the other hand, would be seeing me for the first time.  You can only imagine my surprise when the doorbell rang, and it wasn’t a Porter look-alike on the other side.  It was the easily overlooked, way overly opinionated (and wrongly opinionated) young man from my class.  We were both speechless, a first and last for both of us, I am sure.

Finally, Dallin turned to Joe and asked incredulously, “You set me up with her?”  What took me by surprise was his tone of voice.  There was none of the disgust or contempt I would have expected after our rather overheated class discussion.  He sounded like he was… in awe?  Why wasn’t he angry?

I, on the other hand, couldn’t have been more confused.  He looked absolutely nothing like his twin.  Porter was sandy haired, brown eyed, tall, tanned, and had what could only be described as rugged good looks.  My Brawny man!  Dallin was a good four inches shorter than his brother, had dark hair, a pleasant face but nothing out of the ordinary, and exceptionally striking blue eyes.  He reminded me of nothing except that heated debate.  The only feature the two twin brothers shared were those trademark dimples.  Where was the Brawny man I had ordered?

Joe pretended not to notice my questioning looks, or perhaps he really had no idea that I was totally, unabashedly flustered. Instead, he turned to Dallin and said, “I told you that you would like her.  Let’s go.” 

Joe and my roommate headed out the door.  Dallin and I continued to look at each other for a minute longer.  I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to go out with him, and I was fairly certain that he had no earthly desire to be my date for the evening.  That debate had not been very polite.  Let’s just say that mud was slung, gloves were on, and the professor was ready to make the count when the bodies started to fall.  When I debate, I’m not going for a congeniality award—I’m going for the jugular.  This is why I was worried.  This wasn’t some prearranged sort of retribution, was it?

“You can go home.  You don’t have to do this,” I offered flatly.

Dallin raised his eyebrows and looked at me quizzically.  “Why would I do that?”

“Well, because, well, you know.”  I obviously had left all of my intelligence and quick wit in the classroom.  “We fought pretty well in class.”

“Joe told me you were beautiful and the smartest girl I would ever meet.”  He still had this awed tone to his voice I couldn’t quite fathom.  He waited for my reply.  I was too dumbfounded to speak.  I picked up my coat and moved towards the door.  Ok, I would go, but just to be polite.  “Hey,” he called as I headed out.  I turned around, expecting he had changed his mind and mutely waiting for him to tell me what a mean person I am.  I guess that comment about his momma may have been uncalled for.

Instead, his words nuked my crusty exterior.  “Joe didn’t lie.” 

Somewhere inside I smiled, and that is where I found my voice.  I started back into our argument from class.  He didn’t miss a beat.  Within minutes we were in a heated debate.  We argued the entire way to the restaurant.  But then when we sat down to eat, I remembered this was a date, and maybe I should get to know more about him.  I think I fell in love with him about ten minutes later.  I think he fell in love five minutes before that. We spent the entire night enraptured with each other.  I completely forgot we were on a double date.  We never even spoke to the other couple.  Dallin was the most interesting and compelling person I had ever met.  I didn’t want the date to end. 

Eventually we made it back to my apartment where we talked for several more hours.  Finally Joe had to come in and break the news that the men needed to leave.  I reluctantly said goodnight to Dallin, but couldn’t wait to see him again. 

Suddenly school was much more interesting.  I couldn’t wait to see him every other day.  The next several weeks flew by as we found every reason to see each other and debate every topic we could think of.  It was pure bliss.

SCREECH!!! 

I’m going to end the story right there.  I wish I could tell you that there was a happy ending.  But this is Erin Ann’s story, and as we all know, she’s still single (although we kindly thank the gentlemen in Texas who emailed last week with an offer to change her status.)  Obviously, Dallin didn’t propose.  To sum it up, the next semester started, and they took different classes.  They never ran into each other anymore.  She moved into a new apartment, and waited eagerly by the phone.  She knew he had to call sooner or later.  But alas, heard nothing from him again. 

This is the sound of silence.  This is the sound of one of the greatest relationships she’s ever known going completely silent.  Eventually she ran into him, and they kept in touch via email once every six months or so.  But that was it.  He disappeared without a suitable explanation.  He once attempted to give her the “You are too good for me” talk, but she never believed it.  No one ever does. 

Do any of us really give up something we feel is too good for us?  Seriously, people, we’re Mormons—when we see something good, we buy it in bulk and keep it forever.  Buy one, get one free sales- ever heard of them? How about chocolate stores?  Their clearance sections are the only physical proof we have that the Celestial kingdom exists. 

Why do we back away from a relationship with no explanation?  The ‘you’re too good for me’ line is a cop-out.  It’s an excuse to break up without feeling like you’ll hurt someone’s feelings.  But worse than that is to back away without an explanation.  When we do this, are we hoping they’ll decide on their own to end it?  Does a simple lack of communication end the emotional investment?  Maybe we’re old-fashioned, but we just don’t think this is good enough.  Honesty is always the best policy, as difficult as it sometimes is to take and to give.  Get a spine and give them the real reason!

SILENCE

Erin Ann isn’t the only one out there suffering from years of deafening silence.  Margaret sent us in this story.  “Two girls who were visiting for the summer attended our singles ward. At the end of the summer they went home, and soon after my home teacher received a letter from one of them. She expressed her love for him and a desire for a relationship. He said to me that he did not share her feelings. I asked him what he was going to do about the letter and he said, "I'm not going to answer it.  She'll forget me."

“Notice how he chooses to deal with the situation--silence. This is just like the men who disappear from a girl's life after a dating for a while. How do they deal with losing interest in the relationship? Silence.

“Now this is not a satisfactory response for women. They want an explanation, they want emotion, they want to know his feelings, they want a chance to talk it through, they want honesty. They will be waiting a long time and still the man will respond the way a man does.  Women need to understand men as they are, not how we want them to be.  We just need to learn to read the signals they send out properly.”

Thank you Margaret, excellent point.  Some might be able to walk away and hope the other party gets the hint, but the majority of us require something called ‘closure.’  Say it with me: CLOSURE!  If you aren’t quite sure what closure is, please visit your local library immediately and check out every last book known to man on relationships.  It’ll be in all of them.

We recently ran a story about Jennie, and a relationship that she had with a man that went silent on her as well.  Here is what Stacy had to say for Jennie, responding to a comment one reader said, “While a group email was probably not the best way for him to tell Jennie that he was marrying someone else, I think she was definitely overrating the relationship.”

Stacy rebutted, “Actually, I doubt it. He decided within the course of several weeks that he was marrying someone else--I'd say that indicates a fast mover. So she may or may not have been overrating the relationship. Your reader may have been right, but I'd say it's probably just as likely that he was misleading her, and she had no way of knowing. That happened to me recently, in which a guy told me he was interested (it was long distance) and the next time I came to visit him, he'd somehow gotten a local girlfriend the week before. He'd been dating someone else the entire time he'd been dating me and asking me to be patient with him while he figured things out.

“Yeah, it's my own fault for believing him. I saw the signs of neglect. But he always had an answer for it ("I procrastinate my email with everyone," "I hate using the phone"), and I thought I could give him the benefit of the doubt for the next couple of months till my already-planned-and-paid-for next visit.

“So your next point is correct, however--sometimes we are willing to give the benefit of the doubt to those who don't deserve it simply because there's nothing else going on. And I agree--that can make us miss other opportunities.”

Looking on the Bright Side- There’s Hope!

Silence, unfortunately, can mean many things.  Sometimes it’s a lack of a spine, sometimes it’s a lack of words, and sometimes it’s, well, something entirely different.  Read this story from Grant, and you will understand why!

“I had returned from a mission, graduated from college, and had a pretty good job.  We discovered that Provo had some great dances (Arizona Club).  So some friends and I began traveling to Provo for the social life and the dances.  As time went on I was set up with a blind date.  We seemed to hit it off and became good friends and dated a bit.  She was a student at the Y and I only came down on weekends.  Along comes summer and before she went home, she asked me to make her something.  The 4th of July rolls around and I decided to deliver her project to her, personally.  When I arrived at her home (another state), she was glad to see me but yet was as nervous as a grasshopper on a lily pad in a bullfrog pond.  Well I found out why about an hour later when this other bullfrog (a student) shows up.  She quickly got me aside and asked me not to leave but to please stay.  That made me feel a bit special since I had arrived somewhat uninvited.   I took it in stride and when she wasn't spending time with me, I had a good time doing things with her brother and her parents (in fact her parents liked me and gave me their bedroom).  At this point I was just having a good time.  At the end of the holiday weekend as I got ready to leave, she came out and gave me a kiss (our first).  Needless to say I floated all the way back to Utah and left her with only one bullfrog to worry about. 

“That fall, our relationship developed to where I began to push to move to the next level but yet this other guy kept hanging around when I wasn't there on weekends.  (Basically she had a harem of 2 guys chasing after her at this point.)  She basically said that she didn't think she was ready to get married.  Finally I wrote her letter telling her how I felt. Over the next several months she never mentioned a thing about what I had said.  I never asked her out but was still friendly (the ball was in her court).  Down deep she wondered why I had changed.  Then one day she called and asked if she could come and see me.  I said sure...and you might bring a dress because our ward was having a gold and green ball.  When she got there she told me that the other guy had finally confessed that he had stolen my letter out of her mailbox.”

Thanks for sharing, Grant!  Sometimes silence is just miscommunication and misunderstanding!

We love to hear from our readers!  All comments, criticisms, compliments, commiserations, cash, cornucopias, kisses, and considerations can be sent to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.  Happy Dating!

And don’t forget- we are still looking for a stand-in column from a worthy young man.  MEN- if you would like to see your thoughts and stories on dating in this here spot, send them into us!  We look forward to hearing your side of the story.

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