Breaking Away from the Pack
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, former harem honeys

Hi, my name is Annie and I am a recovering Harem Girl.

No, I wasn’t kidnapped at machete-point and taken bound and gagged to Babylon.  I wasn’t forced into an “I Dream of Jeannie” outfit and made to perform the dance of the seven veils, whatever that is, or feed someone grapes by hand while belly dancing.  Thank goodness there was no belly dancing or bare midriffs of any kind involved! 

I was the unfortunate victim of another sort of harem.  I was a willing participant in the least productive dating vehicle of them all.  I was a harem girl.  Yes, I was once of those girls who cluster around a male who is completely unworthy of the girls’ attention.

Why This is Just as Bad as Duty-Free Dating … or Worse

I think every single’s ward has a harem, possibly more than one.  Sometimes the girl is at the center of attention, sometimes it’s a guy.  We’ve all seen them, perhaps even rolled our collective eyes in disgust (or jealousy, one of the two).  It is well documented in LDS culture that every ward has a featured flavor of the month – a male, who for whatever reason, is the most popular person to have a crush on.  It’s the one fortunate soul who manages to get in the center of a great multitude of the opposite gender and bask in the unrelenting adulation.  Every Sunday, this person manages to sit in the middle of a long bench in the center of the chapel. Invariably, by the time the prelude music is over, he/she is completely surrounded on either side.  Yes, this lucky pup has settled into the overstuffed pillows and is in the center of the adoring harem.

I am so sorry to have to admit this, but I was once among their ranks.  It’s taken months of intensive recovery in a 12-step program for escaped harem girls, but I can now say it with pride. I was a harem girl, past tense, thank you very much!  No longer do I find myself lost in that faceless, adoring, shame-filled throng.

Back in the day, when my singles ward averaged around 50 diligent souls coming to Sacrament meeting on a good day, I was in a harem to a man we’ll simply call the Sheik. He wasn’t all that good-looking, to be quite honest.  I can’t recall what it was exactly that reeled us all in, but reel us in he did.  He was average looking with a nice smile, and rather on the shiny side of balding … but he was absolutely hilarious and a ton of fun to hang around.  Add in the fact that he was incredibly spiritual, lived on his own and enjoyed a moderate amount of success in his field of work.  Therefore, add up that attractive combination of confidence and friendliness, and you had the most sought-after man in the ward.

On any given Sunday, when our little ward averaged 50 people coming to Sacrament, 35 of those were women.  (You do the math!)  In any other ward, I’m sure the Sheik would not have been as incredibly popular.  He would have dated and had fun, and enjoyed attention from the women from time to time.  But he wouldn’t have been the most popular man on campus.  In our ward, though, he was coveted much more than he might have been in any other circumstance.  Considering the odds in my ward at the time, we all “sought after those things!” 

The Sheik sat three rows back in the center pews every Sunday, and every Sunday the women in the ward filled in on either side of him, in front of him and behind him.  Every Sunday he was literally surrounded by women.  He had his harem, and we girls vied for a coveted spot right next to him.  I’m ashamed to admit, I joined in the competition with the ardor of an Olympic athlete.  When the prize is supposed to be a temple marriage, we tried for all we were worth, in vain, to win over the Sheik.  We were all racing for the gold (ring).

Why Buy the Cow?

I can hardly blame the guy, now that I have 20/20 hindsight.  I was going for the gold (ring) just like the rest of them, and in our ward, it didn’t get any better than the Sheik.  I invited him to the movies, parties, etc.  He almost always accepted.  I basked in my glory as the head harem girl.  The other women had to call me to throw a party, just so we could invite him.  The harem girls all pretended to be friends but, truth be known, we all hoped the others would drop out of the harem, so that we would no longer be a harem.  We all just wanted to be the Sheik’s Girl.  But as I sat back one Sunday and examined my place in the gaggle of girls, suddenly the question, “Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?” made perfect sense to me. 

The Sheik had all of us fawning all over him, and to his credit he was a very nice guy.  He always treated us well and never took advantage of any of us. When we held a mistletoe party, he kissed every last one of us (on the cheek or forehead).  We organized parties and Sunday dinners and trip to the movies, just hoping he would come and grace us with his presence.  We all basked in his male glory … but not once did he reciprocate. 

He never planned activities for us.  Worse than that, he never asked a single one of us on a date.  The Sheik had no need to date – he was getting his milk by the truckload!  We gave it to him!  I was a cow on the auction block, (a rather pretty cow, if I do say so myself.  I like to think of myself as a California cow, with a little tinkling silver bell under my neck, hoofing lightly through sun-kissed fields.  But I digress).  The Sheik had no need to bid on anything at the auction because he was swimming in all the milk he needed.  And in the end, when he got married, it was not to a harem girl at all, but a girl who moved into the ward not long after I made my escape, and refused to be in his harem.  She made him make an effort for her attention, and she made herself stand out from the crowd.  It worked.   

Are You Stuck Too?

I reiterate that women are not the only victims here.  Men and women both can get caught up in trying hard to impress the same person everyone else is trying to impress at the same time.  Ask yourself the following questions:

• Have I gone out of my way to sit next to this person at church/institute/FHE/the Great M&M without having my presence acknowledged beyond a nod and a brief hello?

• When I am with this person, are there several others of my gender in the same vicinity, trying to get his/her attention as well?

• Am I engaging in an activity I normally would not be interested in because the other person is, and I’m hoping to catch his/her eye and impress?

If you have answered yes to any or all of these questions, we recommend taking a deep breath, stepping way, way back, run screaming in to the street, and getting yourself into a 12-step recovery program immediately.  You are a belly-dancing, Jeannie-outfit wearing harem person (figuratively, of course).  It’s good to admit this!  It’s time to be different!  It’s time to shake things up!  You can do this!

Set yourself apart, like the new girl the Sheik chose. Remember, less is more, and absence makes the heart grow fonder.  If you are too available, you may appear desperate, and nothing scares away a potential companion more than desperation.  Make this person wonder where you are instead.  You want them to come find you.  If they don’t come looking, they just aren’t interested.  Accept it and move on.

It’s okay to admit that you may never have had a chance with this person in the first place.  Some people, no matter how nice they are to look at, are just not right for you.  Good looks fade, body parts begin to sag, but a sharp mind, wit, and testimony last forever.  It’s okay to be unique and to look for that in your mate as well!  Do your own thing; make yourself interesting for you and no one else!  If you are being the best recovering harem person you can possibly be, we can guarantee that the right-for-you kind of person will be attracted to you as well.

And hey, there is nothing wrong with realizing that the Sheik is a good guy and just being his friend.  Just don’t think that by “pretending” to be his friend he will somehow appoint you head harem girl.  We’ll save the lecture on that subject for another day.  (We’re experts at it – Juli gives it to Erin Ann on a regular basis.)

How about you?  Have you broken free from the harem and would like to tell us your story?  How do you set yourself apart from the rest?  We would love to hear your success stories! Trust us, there are plenty of us out there who need all of the advice we can get!  Send us your thoughts at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.  And as usual, all comments, compliments, courtesies, curtsies, cash, cookies (preferably Girl Scout), and cows are welcome as well.

Breaking News:

This just in! Our friendly Single Thought coauthor Juli has officially won the Idiot of the Year Award.  She broke her foot playing ‘hide and seek’ with her children.  In her acceptance speech, she thanked her daughters for being so nimble and difficult to catch, and the makers of the platform sandals responsible for her fall from grace.  She now recommends playing outdoor games in appropriate athletic footwear. This is the second time Juli has won this award; she won previously for accidentally dying her hair purple and then putting on another woman’s kimono top instead of the salon smock when she went to get the purple fixed.  The woman who wandered around the salon for a half hour looking for her shirt nominated Juli for the award. (No applause, please…you’ll just make her blush.)

Your Thoughts

Thanks for your thoughts and insight for Jennie, who sent in her Valentine’s tale with a twist.  Emily wrote, “While a group email was probably not the best way for him to tell Jennie that he was marrying someone else, I think she was definitely overrating the relationship. She had only been dating him for a maximum of three months (depending on when she started dating him in November and when he got sick in January). I can't believe that she didn't give up on the 'relationship' when he didn't call (or have a family member call) her to let her know if he was even alive. And then it took her three years to get over it? I think she was more invested in the idea of a relationship than to any actual, existing partnership. Otherwise, she probably would have seen the signs and not been so surprised when the end came.” 

Amen to that.  How many of us have wasted time on a relationship just because we’d rather have someone than no one at all?  Relationships like these are security blankets and nothing more.  We like to call it convenience dating – something to fall back on, even it’s not what you really want or need, someone to call if you need a date or just don’t want to be alone.  Having gone through these types of relationships ourselves, we understand the motivation, but it’s much better for all involved if you’re just honest.  We have said it before, and we’ll say it ‘till the California cows come home: breaking up hurts, and since Mormons are raised to be nice and polite, we can’t stand the thought of hurting another’s feelings.

Sheryl, a single mother who is hoping to raise her son to be honest with women, echoed this sentiment.  She said, “This guy probably just really didn't know how to tell the young lady without hurting her feelings. I guess he didn't know how deeply it must have cut into her upon finding out that he was soon to be married after being evasive with her.  He probably was doing the best he knew how to do at the time.  I can imagine that he and his bride probably had quite a few issues to work out in their marriage.” 

She’s right.  If we can’t be completely honest with those we date when it comes to difficult topics, how can we expect to be honest with our spouses when we finally win the gold (ring?)  No one likes to be alone, but ask yourself this: would you rather be alone for a little while and know that when you found Brother or Sister Right, you were ready? Or would you rather waste your time hanging around Brother/Sister Maybe, Maybe Not and possibly miss your chance at the right one?  Is a Saturday night date worth missing all that?  Alone doesn’t have to mean lonely.  There is plenty of time to do good things for others and yourself to make yourself ready for that time when you win the gold!

Any and all comments on the above are always welcome in our inbox.  You know where to find us— erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.  Thanks and have a great week!