Random Single Thoughts
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell,
innocent until proven guilty

Rather than our usual format this week where we attempt to focus on just one subject, we’re going to share lots of our random single thoughts on dating with you.  So get in, hold tight, and read on! Please keep all hands and legs inside the ride and remove any loose items that may fall off during your ride. It’s going to get a little crazy in here!

One Ball, One Court

Here is the reason why men should ask out the women, and the women should not ask out the men.  To illustrate this, we borrow from a popular dating analogy regarding “the ball is in his court.”  In the grand tennis court of love, there is the woman’s side of the court and the man’s side of the court.  There should only be one ball in the game.  Too many balls make the game confusing.  Let the men (who are rather fond of sports involving balls) be the ball-keeper and serve.  If the ball goes into the women’s court, it confuses them.  And then the man has to go chasing after the ball into foreign territory. If the players are unclear of the rules and no one knows whose turn it is to serve, there will be balls flying all over the place. Nothing gets hit, no points are scored.  So, ladies, let the men do the asking out. It’s his turn to serve! Let him hold and keep the ball.

Big Boys Don’t Cry

Another good reason why the man should ask the woman, not vice versa, is that women tend to get a little too emotional if they get rejected.  For instance, men do not cry when you tell them you are busy on a Saturday night.  They go home and organize a sporting event to work off their anger or frustration. This seems like a better way to deal with it than crying and eating too much ice cream.

Why Sports Do Not Make Good Dates 

Before asking a woman to join you for a sporting event, ask yourself if she seems like the type of girl that will truly enjoy the game, or will fixate on the men in the uniforms.  If she can’t spell the names of the teams playing, consider not asking her to join you.  She is likely to spend most of the evening comparing you to the men with the large shoulder pads.  Unless you are confident enough in your manhood to be compared to Steve Young in a football uniform, we recommend not taking the girl out.

Crocodile Boots

CNN recently reported that the Chinese crocodile skin industry is suffering due to a lack of matrimonial interest shown by their male breeding crocodiles.  Apparently, they like food more than the opposite sex, and now they're too fat to pursue the females.  Not unlike a singles ward…

Unlikely Payoffs

American cartoonist Scott Adams once said, “Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion."  While we clearly don’t agree with the religion part of that comment, he has a point as far as dating is concerned. Consider what the odds are that your date is going to be the best thing that has ever happened to you.  Don’t get too discouraged when your date is not a life changing experience.  Sometimes dinner and a movie are just that—dinner and a movie. 

Don’t Forget the Food

A well experienced singleton once said, “There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.”  Date wisely.

Prince Charming is Highly Overrated

"I used to be a real prince charming if I went on a date with a girl. But then I'd get to where I was likely to have a stroke from the stress of keeping up my act. I've since learned the key to a good date is to pay attention on her,” spoken wisely by Matthew Perry.  Give up the act and pay attention!

Find the One That Got Away

After much reflection and over-analyzing the consequences on the phone, we have determined that we think you should go and look up the one that got away.  Google the person’s name and send him a thoughtful email.  Just don’t do anything scary.  It is flattering to know that someone still has fond thoughts of you a decade later.  Don’t profess your undying love to him the first time you find he is still alive.  If you are ever the recipient of such an email, be kind and focus on the fact that someone still thinks highly of you.  Don’t ruin it for anyone, or ruin your good reputation, by sending back a nasty email telling him you are too good for them now.  They think you are great, so prove it to him! If you’re married and the other party isn’t, feel free to send pictures of your wife/husband or kids.

Another great quote from that wonderful muse, Anonymous.  “"In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do."

Kissing

Reader Amy once sent us in this great thought about kissing, “My husband and I didn’t kiss until we were engaged.  It was his idea at first, and I thought he was kind of demented, but I went along because I liked him so much, crazy or not. It was hard to be so in love and not express it physically, but we wanted to save our kisses for when we were really committed to each other.  The first kiss and every one after have been so sweet because I know they are never going to end. Thinking back to other men I dated, the ones I kissed willingly were agonizingly slow and annoying breakups because we were physically committed even though we didn’t like each other that much any more.  A couple of times men kissed me once and then didn’t follow through with a deepened relationship (maybe I was just a terrible kisser back then).  Both times it happened, I first felt happy and hopeful, but when it became obvious that a kiss meant less to them than me, I was really angry.  Kisses mean, “I love you” and shouldn’t be given frivolously!  

Now I have five daughters, ages 2 through 11, and hope they will save their kisses for a man who means what he say with his mouth, especially when he’s not talking.”

Love the One You’re With

A thought from another read, “I remember when I was in my teens, the lines from the musical "Finian's Rainbow" where Og, the leprechaun, on becoming mortal, says: ‘Is this what it's like to be mortal?  Is every girl the only girl?  I'm beginning to like it!’  Whereupon he sings ‘When I'm Not Near the Girl I Love, I Love the Girl I'm Near!’  Sorry, but the reaction is not at all unusual for males.”

You Are Way Too Good For Everyone Else

A person you do not find to be attractive has sat next to you in church.  He/she has made a few friendly comments.  You are afraid this person may try to ask you out.  You have no reason to think this except that you think that someone this unattractive would obviously think you are attractive.  Every time the person turns his/her head be sure to suddenly find yourself engrossed in your hymnal or the flyer of the week. Be sure to never be nice to these people.  They aren’t worth your time.  You are far superior to them.  Act like it.  They will get the message.

Cupid/Valentines Day – Saving the Best for Last!

“I don’t know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day.  When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon in his hand.”

Do you have a favorite quote, quip, or analogy about love?  Send it on in for our Valentine’s Day wrap-up!  We are still collecting your contributions of great Valentines stories, alternative to Valentines day stories, great dates, bad dates, and just all over good humor.  Send your contribution to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com!

From the Readers

We appreciate the feedback we receive each week.  If there is anything we have learned in our few short months on the job it is that you can make some of the people laugh some of the time, and annoy the rest of them the rest of the time.  In all fairness, we have never said anything with the intent of annoying anyone.  And in the interest of honesty, here are some letters both positive and negative we have received this week.

Blondes are Not More Fun

From GVY, “Erin and Juli, I'm a 48 year-old single sister and I both agree and disagree with your advice.  First, I agree that no one, male or female, wants to spend time with someone who has a self-defeatist attitude.  Though I've never married and don't currently have any prospects, I've never given up hope on getting married and having a family.  However, I too tire of going to the singles' conferences where women outnumber men at least 4 to 1 and all the men are focused on the thin, blonde sister who laughs at their not-so-funny remarks.  There's got to be a better way for singles to meet in the Church.

“Second, I disagree with your advice that she spend time with the guy in her ward who is not her type.  Unless she starts to feel attracted to him, she shouldn't force herself to feel something she doesn't.  Worst of all, I'd hate to think she settled for him or for anyone as the Lord never intended this type of relationship to represent true joy.”

Independent Women

An anonymous reader shared the following thoughts with us, “For anyone who is interested in finding a spouse there are more options than just waiting around for Mr./Ms Right to show up.  I have known several people who have found and dated multiple people, narrowed it down to the best one and got married all in one year.  They met these truly wonderful people through the Internet.  There are various LDS web sites dedicated to helping people find someone, and it works.  Even for those who would just like to make friends, it works. My sister, at 47 and with six children, met and dated 4 or 5 great guys and found herself remarried in less than a year from the time she started looking. Some of them lived in other states and traveled.  One thing is for sure, if there is no one in whom you are interested in your ward, widen your search.  By the way, good men love independent women.”

Response to the Anonymous Mom

Our favorite reader, Kathy, sends this response to the Anonymous Mom who feels her daughter is a drain of joy.  “You wrote about your daughter who is a ‘complete drain of joy’ because she talks and just won't shut up … [but] she doesn't realize she is the problem. Excuse me? What are mothers for? As painful as it will be for you and for your daughter, it is your motherly responsibility to tell her what you wrote here. Yes, she'll be devastated. Yes, you'll be devastated.  But isn't a momentary devastation worth saving your daughter a lifetime of grief?

“I'll give you a piece of advice for her that someone gave me decades ago.  If people are interrupting you, it means you're talking too much.  The art of conversation can be solved with just a little mental math.  If there are two people in the room, one person should carry no more than half the conversation.  If there are three people in the room, take it down to one-third.  It's better to err on the side of quiet than it is to talk too much.  Quiet people are mysterious.  People who talk constantly are crashing bores.

“Crashing bores find that people run from them, so that even their own mothers describe them as a ‘complete drain of joy.’  It is better that your daughter learn this harsh lesson now, from a mother who loves her, than that she spend her whole life alone and friendless.”

And, As Always, We’re Looking for a Few Good Men

All right, men! We are looking for a few good writers who just happen to be male.  Erin and Juli, as brilliant as we are, are incapable of presenting the men’s side of the equation, and it’s only fair that your voice be heard as well.  We have done a little research and figured out that women make up 80-90% of readers who respond to us each week.  But we still love the other 10-20% of you! Therefore, if you would like the chance to share your thoughts on singledom or have a great story or insight that will wow the rest of us and give the women who are chasing you reason to swoon, please submit two or three pages of your best stuff to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com . The winner's column will run in March. We may also use a few of your best stories in an upcoming essay book we are in the process of compiling. With your permission only, of course!

Thanks!

Thanks to all the friends who helped contribute to our humble little column this week.  We enjoy all the feedback and constructive criticism.  As always, all comments, compliments, cadillacs, cookies, candy, and more can be sent to us at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com !