The Highly Unlikely Reason He Asked, and Why I Said Yes
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, two peas in a pod

Have you ever said yes to a date for no good reason?  All your instincts told you not to go on the date, but you gave in and said yes anyway?  And then you had so much fun you couldn’t figure out why you stalled so long in the first place?  Well, here are a few good stories to help you reconsider next time you spend time debating whether you should say yes or no!

A few years back, I was the only single girl in my firefighter school class.  From the very beginning, I made it clear to my classmates that I was not there to flirt with the boys.  I was intent on being treated equally with no favoritism or special attention because of my gender.  Of course, trying to get along with a class of thirty manly men and not make them all hate me when I wouldn’t flirt back wasn’t the easiest task either.  Before too long, I had managed to become friends with most of the guys, and not hurt any feelings when a few asked me out … except for one.  We’ll call him Ben.  As usual, his name of course was not Ben, but it is shorter and easier to spell than his real name.

Ben started flirting, or attempting to flirt, with me on the first day.  I did everything in my power to make it clear I was not interested.  It did not go unnoticed that he was a very good-looking man, and I had to admit that he was pretty funny.  But I was a woman determined to carry on the tradition of my firefighting grandfather, and that wasn’t going to distract me!  (For Grandpa’s sake, however, we will ignore the fact that he would do a few barrel rolls in his grave if he knew his granddaughter, whom he had groomed to be a perfect Southern belle, was the one carrying on the family firefighting tradition … but I digress.)  For weeks I ignored Ben the best I could and focused on my training.

The day finally came when I got to do my first confined spaces training.  For those of you unfamiliar with this exercise, let me explain.  In full firefighter turnout gear, you get on your hands and knees and crawl through a dark maze that is no higher or wider than three feet across.  Oh, and there are fires to find and put out around every bend.  And they expect you to do this in less than three minutes.  For those who are the least bit claustrophobic, this can be a terrifying experience.  Everyone emerges out the other side with their heart racing and out of breath.  I wasn’t terrified, but I was sure exhausted.

When I got out of the maze, a partner was at the other end to help me take off my turnout gear.  I was so overwhelmed coming out that it took me a moment to notice that Ben was the one helping me.  I was more focused on not giving in to the adrenaline rush – i.e., losing my lunch in front of all the manly men.  I focused for what seemed like an eternity on my breathing.  And then, suddenly, I lost it.  So much for my focus!

I lost my lunch (and breakfast) all over Ben.  As a matter of fact, I lost it several times on his shoes.  Somehow, I managed to miss my own shoes and did a number on his boots instead.  Ben was very kind and helped me walk over to a ditch where I continued to lose my lunch.  He even got me a glass of water and held my hair back when I “lost” the water.  He sat patiently next to me while I focused very hard on swallowing and not swallowing in reverse. 

As soon as I seemed capable of speech I thanked him.  We were both grateful that I was finally in control of what came out of my mouth.  He smiled, paused for a minute, and then said, “Would you like to go out sometime?”

I sat silently for a minute.  I had just done a very disgusting thing all over his shoes.  He chose this moment to ask me out?  It was a highly unlikely reason to go out with someone, but in my mind it did seem that a date was a good compensation for vomiting all over someone.  So I said yes, even though in the back of my head I was pretty sure he had to be crazy.  Or maybe I was.  I wasn’t quite sure.  But I still said yes.

We went out a few days later.  I had a great time, in spite of what I thought of him originally.  We ended up dating (very secretly so that no one else in fire school knew) for the next four months.  It was a highly unlikely reason to go on a date, but it worked out well for us.  And I supposed that any guy who is kind enough to give a girl a second chance after she ruins a perfectly good pair of boots deserves a second look.

How to Be Disagreeable to Your Entire Family

An Anonymous Mom wrote in to let us know that her daughter, as much as she loves her, fit our list of on how to be a complete drain of joy.  “Because of what I am going to say, I have to remain anonymous.  One of my daughters fits your list in many respects.  A conversation with her is an occasional ‘hum’ or ‘umm.’  Fortunately I received a headset telephone for Christmas so I can accomplish tasks as I listen to her.  The sad thing is that she doesn't realize that she is the reason that none of us call her very often or that some people avoid her.  She is a wonderfully loving person and is always helping others.  If only she could learn to have an interactive conversation.  Her life and mine would be much happier.  You guys really don't need to publish your list because there are many people out there that have raised these tips to an art form.”

We strongly encourage Anonymous Mom to recommend that her daughter get involved in volunteer work.  Her life is in a rut, and because of that she has nothing to say that is of true interest to others.  Doing things for other people makes us realize how blessed we are to have others in our lives, and hopefully a new hobby might make her realize that it’s not all about her and that it really shouldn’t be anyway!

Answers for Rebecca!

Last week we featured a question from a confused girl named Rebecca, who wondered why a guy who had asked about her had not acted on information that she would be interested in a date if he asked. We opened it up to our wonderful, faithful readers, who really let us know what they thought!  Here’s just a bit of what you had to say.

Gail said, “Perhaps Dave just wanted to know how good a chance he had with Rebecca.  On this premise it means Scott may not even know his name was used!”  If this were the case, we wonder why he would act so odd around her lately.  

“As far as Rebecca is concerned in regards to Scott,” Grandma Karen wrote, “she should never tell a man to tell another man that it would be all right for him to make contact.  Where is the mystery and fun it that?  Conquest over!  Some men just have way too much vanity or insecurity. A warm and friendly snub with a little coquettish smile would be great, however. Very much a turn-on and a challenge.  A little bit of the Scarlet letter but with a Molly Mormon heart!”

“I think maybe Scott is non-existent and that Dave was scoping out things for himself.  However once he asked if Rebecca would be interested in going out with ‘Scott,’ he felt maybe she wouldn’t consent to going out with ‘Dave’ and maybe even felt his attempts had been see-through and being embarrassed about it, avoids her at every turn.  Men, ask the right questions, be truthful and sincere, and you’ll get a carefully considerate, truthful answer. Diane from Provo

Eric asked,

“What would be wrong with Dave saying, ‘No, Scott, I think you should ask her yourself.  If I ask her I’ll be asking for myself’?  Honesty promotes courage, and where you observe cowardice there is likely also to be dishonesty.  I have many good friends and (because they are good friends) not a one of them would have accepted Dave’s assignment on my behalf.

“What would be wrong with Rebecca saying, ‘That’s an interesting question, Dave.  Let’s go over and talk to Scott about it right now. Scott – Dave says you are wondering if I would go out with you.  Is that right?’ Then open a conversation in which questions thought are questions asked. The most fundamental ingredient in marriage is honesty, (not bluntness – this has nothing to do with bluntness).

“There is a world of difference between asking around among friends and acquaintances about someone’s situation, and sending someone else to hold your conversations for you. For a woman to use indirect means, and inquire, and set things up through friends I find perfectly all right.  Why is Rebecca worried about it? These are not normal men. Move on. Go to the cannery; take a first-aid class; do something worth doing.”

Mike had our favorite response of the week.  He said in a most delightfully blunt, forthright way,

“He didn’t have the guts to ask you out himself, or figure out how to get to know you better in the first place. Not a good sign.  He had his friend (wingman) check you out, which was weak but could work. But then he was not motivated to act on the green light you gave him.  Very weak.  Pathetic.

“If you told his friend that you were not very interested, Scott would take matters into his own hands at that point, if he was actually interested in you and not a weakling.  Just image for a moment that you did manage to get this Scott dude to the temple and 3 years from now you are trying to get him to:  a) change diapers, b) cook dinner when you have to go out, c) mop a flour or clean a toilet when you are sick, d) a thousand other things on your honey-do list.  He is not going to do it. Not for you anyway. If he can’t figure out how to ask an attractive woman out that he is interested in, he is not going to be very good at more difficult tasks of the Mormon lifestyle. Call it ‘natural selection” and he is ‘unfit.’

“Guys are supposed to chase you; don’t chase guys (with some exceptions). Regardless of how desperate you might perceive yourself, it will only make matters worse. Be available but make guys work for you. They might as well figure this out from the start. It is the basis of marriage.”

Query of the Week

Our question this week for our readers’ insight is from a very disheartened woman.  She is a convert to the Church, and she writes, “When the Elders of the Church came to my door seven years ago to share the gospel with me, they told me that if I joined the Church, I'd be married in no time.  Well no time flat has arrived, and it’s been seven years now and so far, I’m still not married nor do I have prospects that I can truly say are God-given. The only man who is interested in me is someone I wouldn't ever want to. He's not my type.

“Anyway, I believe that women need to just be independent.  I'm now 46 years old and I’m still single. If Heavenly Father wanted me to have a husband, it would have happened by now. I’m not a game player and I'm not going to take just anyone just because he is a) there or b) he thinks it can work.  I have even tried to take men up on their offers. When I do tell them I’m interested, they back away. Men are so commitment phobic it's not funny at all.”

This sister is right in some respects—some of us may never marry in this life.  However, we don’t think a self-defeating attitude is the best way to approach this situation.  She is doing the right thing by being independent and able to take care of herself.  None of us want to spend eternity with a lazy mooch, right?  If we could offer any advice to this good sister, it would be to ignore the men who have not shown any interest in her thus far, and spend more time with the gentleman who has, despite her lack of physical attraction.  Spending more time with him may help her realize that he has more under the skin than she has given him credit for up until now, or if not, maybe she can just enjoy spending time with someone she knows wants to be with her.  She should be upfront that she doesn’t consider it a date, but she should be willing to give it a try.

What are your thoughts?  Please send us any and all insight on her statement.  And as usual, all questions, comments, cash, cows, kimonos, queries, calendars, and more can be sent to us at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

Coming Soon: Your Valentine horror stories.  Send us your best or worst story about the holiday that should also be known as Excessive Chocolate Consumption Day or Singles Awareness Day. And to the men attempting to win the hearts of these two authors on February 14, we will make it easy for you – roses (your choice of color), foot rubs, chocolates, steak, and a romantic comedy should do the trick. Thanks and have a great week!