How to Annoy Everyone
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell
Late to bed, chocolate when we rise,
makes two girls hyper with super-size thighs

Have you ever wished you could make people leave you alone and ignore you in most social settings?  Do you want to repel all manner of man?  Well, you have come to the right place!  We know how to take your perfect, loveable, and desirable personality and turn you into a terrible wretch, and we’ll sum up in one powerful word our never-fail, 100% guaranteed strategy: vanity. 

We have asserted from the very beginning that as brilliant as we are, as the writers of A Single Thought, we are incapable of telling you how to be great.  We cannot tell you how to be great at dating (in other words, we’ve messed up a lot and know for sure what won’t work at being perfect, but we have plenty of experience on being avoided!).  We are experts at nothing but have opinions on everything, and the truth is that the only trail we’re likely to blaze is to the nearest shoe store’s clearance sale.  So while we cannot blaze a trail to your future happiness, and/or make you the most popular person in town, we can give you a few tips, many sent in by readers like you, to give you better idea of how to annoy just about everyone you meet.

We’ve been thinking and thinking as best as two blondes hyper on chocolate can think, and we have again come up with a list of offenses you may commit that tend to repel the general public at large.  And we would like to point out that in no way shape or form does this apply to singles only.  This applies to everyone, because everyone has the potential to be awful – just as they have the potential to be great.

Again, we are not blazing a trail on this either.  A list similar to this appeared in 1755 (250 years ago), written by Benjamin Franklin, a true American hero.  This man set the example for politicians everywhere when he advised the colonists, “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise,” but never dragged his own sorry tail out of bed before 10:00 a.m.  We liked what he had to say on his list entitled Rules for Making Oneself a Disagreeable Companion, so we have updated it and added a few of our own.

Rule Number 1: Blah Blah Blah …

If at all possible, make sure you spend all of your time in public butting into or dominating all conversations within earshot.  Talk a lot about your education, your hobbies, your medical ailments, your success in business, your own observations on life in general and the way things ought to be, according to your universe.  Make sure you don’t pause too much when you must come back up for air, because someone might try and put in a word or change the subject.  After all, we all love the sound of your voice as much as you do.

Rule Number 2:  Show How Much More You Know

If you cannot entirely control the conversation, make sure you belittle the speaker and whisper disparaging comments to those nearby.  Watch carefully when others speak, and find a way to contradict everything that has just been said. 

Rather than failing at this all-important task of regaining the conversation, if you can’t correct him, don’t be afraid to correct the speaker’s grammar.  Roll your eyes frequently, and make sure when the conversation in finished, you let all nearby know that the speaker who so rudely took your share of the conversation knows nothing.  And don’t forget to correct every Sunday school teacher.  She may have written the lesson, but that doesn’t mean she should have the final word.

Rule Number 3:  When Someone Else Makes an Excellent Point …

If another person speaking has ideas and convictions that agree with your own, try not to pay too much attention to what they have to say.  This is another great place to use the ‘roll your eyes’ trick.  Interrupt with your own insights on the subject to draw attention away from the speaker.  If you can guess what the point of the conversation is, beat him to the punch line and say it first, so all the credit of his brilliant insight is transferred to you.  If he does happen to say it first and others are duly impressed, make sure you mention that some famous philosopher said it first, and that you read already in a book by Ernest Hemingway, Gordon B. Hinckley, or Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell.

Rule Number 4:  What to Do When They Figure Out Your Lips Never Stop Flapping

When generally agreeable people have discovered that your pie hole is either always open or full of food, they will choose to remain silent when they are forced to endure your company at FHE or other gatherings.  This is a good thing!  This is exactly what you want.  You will be permitted to shine like the star that you are, and you will have no fear of a rival trying to take your rightful spot as the star of all verbal interaction. 

In doing the above four rules, you can be reasonably assured that the conversation will never be boring to you.  Everyone else is dull and has nothing to contribute.  After all, who wants to talk about anything but you anyway?

Rule Number 5:  Don’t Grow Up.  Ever!

Make sure you never move out of your parents’ home.  Although you have graduated from college and can make a decent living, live with your parents and spend all of your time and money on yourself.  Buy worthless items and spend a great deal of time with them, and talk about them frequently in the company of others.  Make sure you mention how expensive it was, too. 

Use much of your free time in chat rooms online and let everyone in the cyber universe know how fabulous you are as well.  Start your own email lists just so you can tout your expertise to all your acquaintances.  Be sure to get angry every time someone disagrees with you.

You may have to look for love online, because people whom you meet in person are far too intimidated by your personality and wit, so it’s a good idea to make yourself look better than you really are.  Use trite, worn phrases to describe yourself to others and post pictures that are at least five years old.  Make sure you talk down to people, online and off, because most of those you meet will never be your intellectual equal anyway. 

As Benjamin Franklin so neatly summed up, “Thus you will be sure to please yourself.   The polite man aims at pleasing others, but you shall go beyond him even in that….He can only please where he is, and you wherever you are not.”

Tell Us!

Well, we truly hope that we have not described you today.  If we have, well, what can we say?  Get over yourself! 

We would love to hear from you on this.  Have you met someone who fits our description above? Can you help our helpless friends who want to overcome this egregious disease of vanity and become normal?  Let us know: what’s the best way to start a conversation without talking completely about yourself?  Express interest?  Score a date?  Tell us what others have done to impress you so much that you simply had to ask them (him or her) out. or get to know them better.  What can we do better as people wading through life, trying to find that special someone to share the rest of it with?  Anything you have to say may help us!  All turn-ons and offs may be sent to our humble little inbox at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

More M&M’s, Please!

Barbara sent in another name we missed for the Great M&M.  She said, “My husband and I were nearly career singles (24 years combined experience).  By far the best ‘Linger Longer’ slogan I have ever heard is ‘take a cookie, have a lookie.’" How odd that we missed that one!  Thanks for sharing.

Kolache Lynn is back with a new grandbaby (congratulations, Lynn!) and some perspective on how things used to be in the great meat market.  “Things must have changed in singles' wards since I joined nearly 30 years ago.  We did our own potlucks, some at members' homes and some at church, and people just brought what they wanted to eat.  We had a couple of brethren with good hearts but faulty calendars, who never could seem to remember to buy their inevitable contribution of potato chips on Saturday, and therefore had to stop off at the store between church and potluck.  Now the potlucks are coordinated through the activities committee?  Curiouser and curiouser.

“My philosophy about food is make sure there's enough garlic bread as for everybody, and make sure that everybody gets some of it, and then nobody can possibly be offended.  If a committee's involved in planning and executing the potluck, maybe they can get a restaurant to donate lobster bibs, which means that everybody could enjoy barbecued meatballs and not worry about having to get out the stain stick once they get home.”

Sara used to chair an activities committee that struggled to get more people in their ward to date.  She wrote, “It drove me nuts to see the weird anti-social behavior that occurs at the monthly M&M's. I decided at one point, that at the M&M's, we'd do a small activity.  One we did was we had the girls took off one of their Sunday dress shoes. These were collected in a basket and put in another room.  The guys then went in and selected a shoe. They went back into the RS room and found the girl with the matching shoe, and boom, they had a date for the Stake Valentine's Adult dance.  We then encouraged folks to go in groups to the dance. And let me tell you – it was one of the best activities we ever did. Not only did we get a date for V-day, you also weren't tied to your date at the dance. Best time!  (Note: we told the girls in advance that we needed their shoes for a 10-minute presentation. That way, we ensured the nicest shoes and not the ratty, holey, scuffed-beyond-recognition shoes.)”

Query of the Week

Our question for you this week was sent in by Rebecca, who thought our readers might be able to resolve an issue for her.  She wrote, “I do have a question that has perplexed me, and I wonder if your readers could help me out.  I'm sure many of your single readers age 30+ would appreciate some insights into this.

“A month ago, a friend of mine (we'll call him Dave) told me that a guy friend of his, ‘Scott,’ had expressed interest in me and wanted Dave to ‘check things out’ with me to see if I would be willing to go out him.  I said that I would certainly go out with Scott if he asked.  Dave told me he relayed the message to Scott, but now a month has passed, and I have heard nothing from Scott.  I've run into him a couple times since then, but he only says hi and hurries off.  I think he feels awkward around me now.

“This doesn't seem to be an unusual occurrence – not just with me but with my friends and the men they know.  Why is it that so many men in their mid-thirties and older seem so unmotivated when it comes to dating – even when they get the green light from someone they are supposedly interested in? They seem to lack the will or ability to initiate things.  Other friends have commented on this as well. I don't mean to come across as bitter (that's not how I feel) and I don't want to cast blame.  These are wonderful, sharp men.  I guess I would just like to understand where they're coming from and maybe how we women can help them out.”

Our personal thought may be that ‘Scott’ is a little embarrassed with how Dave asked.  Perhaps he wanted Dave to ask more subtly, and when his interest was revealed he wasn’t quite ready to ask.  Now he may feel pressured to ask, and we all know guys never like to feel pushed into anything, from asking directions to asking a girl out (although she never indicated that he had to).  What do you think?  Does anyone have insight or advice for Rebecca?  Any and all comments on this or anything else you can think of may be sent to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

Thanks, and have a great week!