The
Misuse of the Munch and Mingle
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell
Advocates for more meaningful socializing and food consumption
Warning: If you are currently on an activities or refreshment
committee that supervises and organizes current Munch and Mingle
events, this column is directed at you. You and you alone are
the target of this public service announcement.
A
new tragedy is spreading across the single world. This tragedy
victimizes one of the greatest inventions to ever grace and
assist the single universe – the all-important Munch and Mingle.
Other names known to Singles through the world are Linger Longer,
Food for Flirting, Break the Fast, and Feed the Bachelors, among
other various monikers. Whatever you choose to call this blessed
event, it is horribly misused. Too many people are seen standing
around, holding their little paper plates in small clustered
groups of friends, avoiding eye contact with anyone new and
promising. And it is all your fault! Why, you ask? Read on!
The
Munch and Mingle (hereby to be referred to as the Great M&M
– but please do not confuse this with the Great MM, another
acronym for Meat Market, another name for singles wards) was
designed to solely to help singles meet other singles! And
yet, tragically, this is not the case! Why, you ask again?
The
answer is going to be harsh and brutal, but you must hear it.
The Great M&M has failed on a global scale because of poor
planning. Yes, friends, the problem rests solely on the shoulders
of those who planned the menu. The planners of the Great M&M
need to put a little more thought, compassion, and concern into
what they are feeding the singles. We ask you, why on earth
would you feed spicy salsa to members of both sexes and then
hope they will begin a life-changing, personal, intimate conversation?
Have you no sympathy for the less than perfect individuals out
there just trying to meet a cute girl? Really, this is an outrage
and affront to eligible singles everywhere! The responsibility
for their future happiness and marriages are in your hands,
and what do you choose to feed them? Tiny, uncooked broccoli
florets whose sole purpose in life is get stuck in someone’s
front teeth? Have you no shame?
The
Great M&M has potential beyond what most can see! A singles
ward without the Great M&M is hardly worth attending. For
all the talking one can squeeze in between sacrament, Sunday
school and one’s respective third hour, we might as well abolish
singles wards altogether! Without the Great M&M, we may
as well give up and attend a family ward, heads hung low in
shame. Where would singles wards be without the Great M&M?
It is the perfect excuse to stand around and openly scope out
the currently available members of the opposite sex. Where
else will someone feed you just so you can attempt to speak
to your newest crush? These golden opportunities do not come
along every day. You must make the most of them!
Foods that Invite Social Disaster
We
here at a Single Thought encourage the Great M&M committees
of the world to stop serving socially disastrous foods. The
list of contraband food items includes but is not limited to:
chips, dips, salsas, burritos, chili, broccoli, and spinach.
Let the singles eat those foods in the comfort and privacy of
their own homes. We should be feeding singles edible hormone
inducers to encourage the beginning of the mating dance! Stop
serving the bad stuff, and bring on the oysters, strawberries,
and chocolate. We want these people to like each other, for
crying out loud. Give them a little hand!
While
we freely admit that no one ever looked good eating an oyster,
and we know they aren’t really in the ward budget, you get the
picture. Do a little research and find out what foods are associated
with love. For example, we here at A Single Thought have done
some preliminary research for you and have determined that and
excellent food to set out at the Great M&M is celery. Celery,
for those who were unaware, contains androsterone, a powerful
male hormone that researchers believe is released through sweat
and attracts females. Chocolate is an excellent food to serve,
because women love it. We dare you to find a woman who is not
in a good mood after consuming chocolate. And we hear things
about green M&M’s (the candy that melts in your mouth that
is). We also recommend dates, because we think they are a funny
reminder of what you’re supposed to get out of the Great M&M.
You get the idea!
Try
not to serve foods that make the consumer look stupid. Anything
that drips, for instance, is an excellent way to traumatize
the socially inept and ungraceful. The girls spent way too
much time pulling together a look that works for her, and, and
the men only own two ties! Additionally, anything that requires
sucking your teeth when you are done is a bad idea. Have you
ever watched yourself suck your teeth clean in a mirror? It’s
not a pretty sight! Foods that leave you with stinky breath,
discolored teeth, or flatulence should also be banned from singles
activities, unless the offending committee is also willing to
supply the Beano.
Setting the Mood
We
also advise creating an atmosphere conducive to close, personal
conversation. First, make sure the mood is right. While it
would be inappropriate to play Barry White’s “Can’t Get Enough
of Your Love Babe,” in the background after Sunday services,
consider a nice Wagner or Mozart to keep people moving about.
Music sets the mood! And let’s not forget the lighting. No
one has ever looked good under a harsh fluorescent glare. Instead,
cosmetologists use this sort of light to illuminate all of our
unfortunate features so they may be corrected in a medical setting.
Avoid fluorescent lighting if at all possible! Consider a little
mood lighting instead. Many gyms are equipped with stage lighting
in many shades. How about a nice red glow?
Another
essential component in creating the proper mood is the seating.
Instead of regular hard folding chairs, drag in the couches
and armchairs from the hallways. There is nothing inviting
or loving about a folding chair! Give the lovebirds a nice
little place to sit and get cozy. Think of yourself as the
ultimate relationship facilitator!
Now
let’s move on to the table. While men may not notice the tablecloth
or centerpiece, subconsciously it helps everyone feel more comfortable
and homey. Have you ever been through a buffet line where you
start at the front of the table, pick up your plate, utensils,
and napkins, and then try and balance them all as you work your
way to the end of the table? Stop! Everyone needs to learn
the basic rule that you should only place the plate at the front
of the table. Put all utensils at the end of the buffet line.
This also leaves hands free to shake hands in case the single
meets a fabulous new person in line! If you are the Great M&M
planner for a large singles ward, we beg you to consider not
using the buffet line method. Instead, get inventive and try
food stations around the room, so people can mill about and
mingle, rather than stand in a really long line on Fast Sunday.
Advice for M&Mer’s
If
you are not the Great M&M planner, and are one of the fortunate
attendees of this monumental event, be prepared. Do not arrive
empty handed or empty headed. Have good pick up lines and conversation
starters ready to go. An example of a conversation starting
query used with great success by one of our brothers was asked
over a food that contained mushrooms. As he loaded his plate,
he would put on his best debonair expression and inquire, “Do
you like mushrooms? ‘Cuz I’m a fungi (fun guy).” Please do
not use phrases like this with any amount of seriousness; you
will look like an idiot. The intention is to make the listener
laugh and hopefully create a desire to get to know you better.
Other lines used with moderate success include, “Do you believe
in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?” and, “Hi,
how are you? My name is (insert your name here).”
Compliments
always come in handy in these situations. Everyone is in their
Sunday best, so feel free to mention they look great. Also,
someone put some love and tender care into making that brownie
you are eating. Even if it tastes like a dirty shoe (oh yes,
we’ve had one), take a big bite and proclaim that you have never
tasted anything like it. In case the planner has failed to
read this column, avoid all foods that make you look stupid,
stick to your lip or chin, drop on your dress or tie, give you
stinky breath, or leave your hands sticky.
It
is up to you to create your happy ending. The Great
M&M can and should help you in this great journey. We plead
with committees around the world to unite and bring about change,
indeed, the social upheaval required to get people out of the
singles wards. The Great M&M can and should be used to
your advantage. Please plan wisely! And M&Mer’s, we beg
of you, please remember to chew with your mouth closed, and
no monkey faces when eating oranges. Thank you.
Please
report any and all offenses committed to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.
We’re here to help you overcome this tragic misuse of food and
time.
What You Said: Woo Hoo!
Vivian
wrote in response to our column last week about wooing. She
said, “The best wooing I ever had was from this guy I dated
my first semester in college. We went to see my sister cheer
at our local high school football game. He came to my house
and met my parents. He opened the car door for me and at the
football game he explained the rules to me. After the game,
we went out to eat and he paid the bill without any complaints.
He then proceeded to take me home and walked me to my door.
At the door he shook my hand and told me he had a wonderful
time. He waited until I walked into my house before he went
back to his car. I was flabbergasted. He did not try to hug
or even kiss me. That was a first for me. I definitely had
to get to know more about this guy. We continued dating and
he always treated me with respect and our first kiss was not
until after our fifth date. This guy intrigued me so much I
ended up marrying him. As of this past December, Paul
and I have been married 10 years.”
Winnie wrote, “I was a civilian cook for the army. I used to give
some of the soldiers a hard time, making remarks that they should
eat their vegetables. When I did, Ed piped back, ‘You are what
you eat.’ As time passed I noticed he was eating more often
in the mess hall than other soldiers.
“Finally, after our friendship grew, he was impressed and intrigued
to find out I was Mormon.
When he asked to know more, I told him if he wanted to know more
he would have to ask the missionaries. So he had friends offer
to open their home to him for the discussions. I would drive
him every week, and I watched him eagerly learn the gospel.
He read the whole book of Mormon in a week, phoning me with
questions and excitement – knowing it was true.
“On a drive back his barracks he asked if I would like to go with
him to the Christmas devotional broadcast that the elders talked
about. I said I’d love to! He acted like he was going to shake
my hand, held it, turned it over and kissed the inside of my
wrist! To make a long story short, we were married that February.
Not that this is a big deal if you’re a young person and this
was first love, but we weren’t. I was a divorced mother of four
children who worked three jobs and he had never been married.
For the life of me I don’t know why some girl along the way
did not snatch him up before I came along. Ed was baptized received
his priesthood and a week later he baptized my daughter who
just turned eight and then two weeks later we were married.”
Christine had a great story to tell. She said, “My best
friend and I dated best friends. The young men asked us to come
with them on a special double date. Because of how they asked
we asked them what we should wear. They told us to wear something
long and flowing and that was all they would tell us about the
date. We were stumped. So since it was late fall/early winter
in Utah, we wore nice jeans and blouses with our heavy jackets.
“They picked us up in a ’65 Mustang convertible
with the top down (they couldn’t find horses) and they were
dressed as desert sheiks. Now we knew why ‘long and flowing’
was required. We were treated like royalty. We were later
blindfolded and driven to the site of our date. When we arrived
they helped us inside and seated us. When they removed our blindfolds
we were in a large tent with rugs, draped walls, pillows, short
tables and a small, wood burning heater. A servant (a brother
of one the guys) served us an authentic desert meal that they
had researched carefully.” Wow! Guys and girls, take a lesson
from these two. Creativity is essential in restoring the lost
art of the woo.
Carole sent in the following tale of woo. “My
now-husband asked me out for our first date by leaving an invitation
on my desk at work (we worked at the same place, different departments)
with the date and time he had already arranged with my boss
and a couple friends of mine. This was also Valentine's Day.
We had a wonderful lunch ... complete with red roses!
“Later,
after we had dated awhile, he discovered that I love
ice cream (in any form). Every time he came over he'd bring
a supply of Haagen-Dazs ice cream bars. Now it's about 17 years
later and we never have Haagen-Dazs without that sweet memory.”
Stories like these remind us that it’s the little things that
you’ll remember years from now.
A Few Words
in Parting
The
moon is nothing
But a circumambulating
aphrodisiac
Divinely subsidized to
provoke the world
Into a rising birth-rate
--from A Sleep of
Prisoners by Christopher Fry
All
comments, cash, couriers, courtiers, corks, criticisms, and
compliments are welcome at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com
