M E R I D I A N M A G A Z I N E
A Week in the Life of a Single Girl
By Erin Ann McBride, completely jealous of her best friend Juli Hiatt Caldwell on a cruise, somewhere in the Caribbean
The pink and white invitation was hand delivered to Annie by a girl she hardly knew just after Relief Society. It was not personally addressed to Annie. It had no addressee on it at all. Before handing her the card the deliverer said, “Do you know Tara Hall?” Annie said, “I think so. She’s dating Lane, right?” The deliverer said, “Right! Well, she’s getting married in two weeks and we’re having a shower for her on Saturday. We’d love it if you come.” And with that, the deliverer took off down the hall, more cards in hand.
Annie opened the card and read the invitation. All the pertinent information was there – time, place, date, registry, etc. Everything except for the reason as to why Annie was being invited. Annie hardly knew the bride-to-be. They had met several times, but talked very few. And yet, for some reason Tara wished Annie to be at a party celebrating the most important event in her life. At least when Annie was in an optimistic mood that is how she looked at it. When she was in a less charitable and loving mood she saw things quite differently.
Who was she kidding? Tara had spent the last several months totally engrossed in her new boyfriend/fiancée. She hadn’t spoken to a girlfriend in months. She had stopped going to ward activities and other social events the minute she and Lane got the tiniest bit serious. And now, here she was two weeks before the biggest day of her life, and she had no friends to invite to her bridal shower. So her roommates were digging up anyone who vaguely recalled Tara pre-boyfriend to invite them to her shower. Using the theory that if they invited thirty girls maybe ten would show up and maybe six of those would bring presents.
Annie rolled her eyes as she noticed that Tara was kind enough to list the six different places she had registered. “I’m sure my invitation to the wedding just got lost in the mail,” Annie thought to herself.
It wasn’t that Annie didn’t want to go to Tara’s shower. Or that she minded not getting invited to the wedding reception. Quite frankly, she hadn’t expected to be invited to the wedding. She hardly knew Tara, so that was hardly a slight. It was Annie’s own personal pet peeve to get invited to a bridal shower for a girl who had not thought to invite her to the wedding reception. (Annie understood that in the LDS wedding world not everyone could be invited to the sealing at the temple.) But Annie was convinced that if there were a Miss Manners for Mormons that she would dictate that invitations for bridal showers should only go to good friends of the bride who had been invited to the wedding.
It was an economic social inequality that made Annie grimace every time she was handed a shower invitation for a girl she hardly knew. First, it was just outright blatant obvious greed that invented bridal showers. Bridal showers mean giving a friend the “opportunity” to give a bride multiple gifts to start her married life with. A true friend would not mind this opportunity. After all showers are just that – the chance to shower a friend with love and gifts before she moves on to her next phase in life. It is a beautiful sentiment when used correctly.
Annie went home that evening and looked up Tara’s registry online, debating whether or not to buy her something. As she considered the list, Annie let out a frustrated sigh. At age 26, Annie did not own a rice cooker, Calphalon pans, a new blender, or a set of plush bathroom towels. And she certainly didn’t own an Oreck vacuum cleaner. But yet, she was expected to find a few dollars in her tight budget to buy a gift for a girl she had had few meaningful conversations with.
Who Throws the Party for the Single Girls?
“What about the single girls? What about the girls who don’t find husbands? Who buys us vacuum cleaners and matching pots and pans?” Annie thought to herself. It’s just not fair!
Who throws the party for the single girls? Who buys them matching bath towels and soap dispensers? Whose bright idea was it for single girls on a limited budget to throw a party and give gifts to a girl who is taking one of the few eligible bachelors off the market without so much as an apology to the other single girls?
The whole concept is rather twisted if you think about it. It should go the other way around. When a girl leaves the market and steals a man away from the rest, she should have the decency to throw a party and give parting gifts to her single friends! The single girls are the ones getting the shaft here! They have less money, one less prospective husband, and they are expected to buy gifts and attend parties for the occasion every other Saturday (or more in June), to girls they hardly know.
As the self-proclaimed Misses Manners for Mormons, we (Erin and Juli), hereby declare that this injustice must be stopped. Have a little sympathy for the single girls. Stop inviting girls you hardly know to bridal showers. In the future, please ensure that all bridal shower invitees are also invited wedding guests.
We understand that all sealing rooms are not quite big enough to hold two large Mormon families plus a bride and groom’s friends. But really, you should pick shower guests from those invited to the actual wedding ceremony when at all possible. (Which we do realize isn’t always possible.) And as a last bit of etiquette frequently forgotten in the Mormon culture, do not put the registry information in with the wedding invitation. That information should be put out with the bridal shower invitation (since as we already discussed the only point on the shower is to give gifts). The new etiquette says it is okay to put a wedding website on the wedding invitation, and we encourage that. Put your registry info on the website. But leave it out of the wedding invitation. It’s just tacky.
We love the responses we get from readers each week. Sometimes they are anonymous, sometimes they are signed. Sometimes they come from Utah; most of the time they do not. And surprisingly, many times they do not come from singles, but come from marrieds who week after week read our humble little column about single life. To the marrieds, we say thanks. We appreciate your time.
Your articles are well written, entertaining, and all too truthful. I thought about how hard it must be for a lot of singles when their families are breathing "marriage" constantly to them.
In this ward as in several others I have seen, singles of all type and fashion appear to disappear into the architecture. It matters not if you are a never-married, past-married, part-member family or widowed, you are pretty much a second-class citizen in the Church in most places. It appears that families and wards/branches need to do more than just wave at reality as it passes by them when it comes to "singles" of all types in the Church. The attitude of not-quite-fitting-in unless you have the Golden Band and a full member family really doesn't drive people away; it just kind of lets them drift away out of the mainstream. Not good.
From Ron, “I write to let you know that there are married people who have wonderful single friends. My wife and I have a dear friend who is single. We met her 20 years ago after moving into a new state, job and ward. She is like a sister to us. We enjoy playing games together and get together as often as time permits. We have five children and our single friend has been very supportive to us. She will hire the kids to come and work in her yard and or do various other tasks that are hard for her to do. I tell her that she doesn't need to pay because the kids will go very willingly to help out. But she will always send them home with payment that will be put away into their mission fund. I regard this single sister as one of our dearest friends. She is a special person and I feel honored to have such a wonderful friend.”
We received a surprising number of letters from people concerned about men like Chris from last week’s column who tricked Annie into going on a date, when she thought she was being home taught. Some of the good men and loving dads of the world wrote us to say the following.
“Go to the branch president/bishop and let him know what happened. Never be alone with that person, ever. If you were my daughters I would not want this man at your apartment. Just be very, very careful. Love the stories.” Tom. “P.S. Met my wife at BYU Family Home Evening.”
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From Nicholas, “After reading the portion of your column dealing with ‘Caught on a date,’ a question came to mind. I am no authority in such matters but, if it had been, say my daughter, I would have advised her to mention this ‘trick’ to either her bishop or his quorum president, or both, since it appears to me that he mis-used his priesthood authority (home teacher is a priesthood calling) in the matter, if not practicing some form of priestcraft. She is lucky the fellow in question was not truly deranged or did not do her harm. Membership in the Church is not a valid reason, sadly, to assume harmlessness in anyone.”
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And last but not least, from Jason in California, “I particularly enjoyed the article Caught on a Date with No Way Out. I hope that Chris, the psycho home teacher, was reported to the bishop or the elders quorum president. Using home teaching as a trick to get a date is wrong and not how a young man should be using the priesthood. The home teacher is supposed to be someone you can rely on in an emergency. Chris broke any trust that he may have had and cannot effectively be the home teacher for someone he has been dishonest with. At any rate it was a funny story but sad because it actually happened. What a psycho!”
We here at A Single Thought not only consider ourselves to be experts on LDS dating, weddings, and social etiquette, we also are self-proclaimed protectors of our fellow sisters. While we do believe in being nice to the underdog and going on dates with boys that don’t get many dates, we do not ever in any way shape or form encourage you to go on a date with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. Taking you out of your comfort zone and going out with a boy you find unattractive is not the same as going out with a boy who makes you feel unsafe. You know the difference. When you feel unsafe, don’t do it.
Christina from London wrote in to say she feels sorry for our Chris! In her words, “I actually feel quite sorry for this guy who has been a tad slated by your article this week! Not all of us possess copious amounts of confidence and solid social skills and, perhaps, bless him, the only way he could think of to get a date with this girl was to pull a fast one with home teaching! Yes, making the lady pay is out of order, but maybe somewhere there was a lesson for both of them. Did this gal ever question him about why they were out with a couple? If not, then I reckon some straight forward talking might have been beneficial to both parties. Come on peeps – we're supposed to be uplifting, not bashing!
We always love to hear stories touting the praises of a singles ward. Read this letter from Carolyn. Its not quite what you will expect! “I'm 33. Never been married – in fact, I had a boyfriend for the first time just this year, though that relationship is now just a friendship. Pickings have been pretty slim. I used to attend a singles' ward in the area for quite some time (through 3 different bishoprics). I decided to go back to the family ward when I was 28 or 29. The funny thing is that while I was in the singles' ward I often felt defective and left out, I suppose because there was so much coupling going on around me. I really felt obviously single. When I moved to the family ward, it took some time (my fault, not the ward's) but I felt much more accomplished and whole as a person. No one in my family wards (I've been in two different wards now) made me feel single. Instead I feel like a contributing part of the community. I admit that I do get lonely in the family ward sometimes and holidays can be hard, but I prefer the loneliness to the feeling of being defective. It was nice to move on to a place where people are constant – in a singles' ward, friends were so often getting married and moving out of my life. That doesn't happen in the family ward so much, and so I don't have to keep starting over making new friends. Still, I will always encourage other singles to try the singles' ward. The singles' ward gave me many opportunities to grow in the gospel and learn leadership skills. Some of the most spiritual lessons I've ever had were in the singles' ward.”
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Thank you to everyone who contributes each week to A Single Thought. We love to hear your stories and thoughts. You know what we haven’t heard in a while? A really good crazy dating story! So we open the email inbox to you the readers for your best dating stories. We love your stories whether goofball, tragic, romantic, or just plain fun. Since we’re almost to the scariest date night of the year (New Years Eve), we encourage you to send in your date stories, specifically those from New Years if you have them, to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com ! Have a great week! And happy dating!
P.S. Congrats to Tyson and Valerie, getting married Saturday in the Washington, DC Temple.
P.P.S. They followed all the proper rules of etiquette!
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