A Week in the Life of a Single Girl
By Erin Ann McBride, completely jealous
of her best friend Juli Hiatt Caldwell
on a cruise, somewhere in the Caribbean
The Bitter
Bridal Shower
The
pink and white invitation was hand delivered to Annie by a girl
she hardly knew just after Relief Society. It was not personally
addressed to Annie. It had no addressee on it at all. Before
handing her the card the deliverer said, “Do you know Tara Hall?”
Annie said, “I think so. She’s dating Lane, right?” The deliverer
said, “Right! Well, she’s getting married in two weeks and
we’re having a shower for her on Saturday. We’d love it if
you come.” And with that, the deliverer took off down the hall,
more cards in hand.
Annie
opened the card and read the invitation. All the pertinent
information was there – time, place, date, registry, etc. Everything except for the reason as to why Annie was being invited.
Annie hardly knew the bride-to-be. They had met several times,
but talked very few. And yet, for some reason Tara wished Annie
to be at a party celebrating the most important event in her
life. At least when Annie was in an optimistic
mood that is how she looked at it. When
she was in a less charitable and loving mood she saw things
quite differently.
Who
was she kidding? Tara had spent the last several months totally
engrossed in her new boyfriend/fiancée. She hadn’t spoken to
a girlfriend in months. She had stopped going to ward activities
and other social events the minute she and Lane got the tiniest
bit serious. And now, here she was two weeks before the biggest
day of her life, and she had no friends to invite to her bridal
shower. So her roommates were digging up anyone who vaguely
recalled Tara pre-boyfriend to invite them to her shower. Using
the theory that if they invited thirty girls maybe ten would
show up and maybe six of those would bring presents.
Annie
rolled her eyes as she noticed that Tara was kind enough to
list the six different places she had registered. “I’m sure
my invitation to the wedding just got lost in the mail,” Annie
thought to herself.
It
wasn’t that Annie didn’t want to go to Tara’s shower. Or that
she minded not getting invited to the wedding reception. Quite
frankly, she hadn’t expected to be invited to the wedding.
She hardly knew Tara, so that was hardly a slight. It was Annie’s
own personal pet peeve to get invited to a bridal shower for
a girl who had not thought to invite her to the wedding reception.
(Annie understood that in the LDS wedding world not everyone
could be invited to the sealing at the temple.) But Annie was
convinced that if there were a Miss Manners for Mormons that
she would dictate that invitations for bridal showers should
only go to good friends of the bride who had been invited to
the wedding.
It
was an economic social inequality that made Annie grimace every
time she was handed a shower invitation for a girl she hardly
knew. First, it was just outright blatant obvious greed that
invented bridal showers. Bridal showers mean giving a friend
the “opportunity” to give a bride multiple gifts to start her
married life with. A true friend would not mind this opportunity.
After all showers are just that – the chance to shower a friend
with love and gifts before she moves on to her next phase in
life. It is a beautiful sentiment when used correctly.
Annie
went home that evening and looked up Tara’s registry online,
debating whether or not to buy her something. As she considered
the list, Annie let out a frustrated sigh. At age 26, Annie
did not own a rice cooker, Calphalon
pans, a new blender, or a set of plush bathroom towels. And
she certainly didn’t own an Oreck
vacuum cleaner. But yet, she was expected to find a few dollars
in her tight budget to buy a gift for a girl she had had few
meaningful conversations with.
Who Throws the Party for the Single Girls?
“What
about the single girls? What about the girls who don’t find
husbands? Who buys us vacuum cleaners and matching pots and
pans?” Annie thought to herself. It’s just not fair!
Who
throws the party for the single girls? Who buys them matching
bath towels and soap dispensers? Whose bright idea was it for
single girls on a limited budget to throw a party and give gifts
to a girl who is taking one of the few eligible bachelors off
the market without so much as an apology to the other single
girls?
The
whole concept is rather twisted if you think about it. It should
go the other way around. When a girl leaves the market and
steals a man away from the rest, she should have the decency
to throw a party and give parting gifts to her single friends!
The single girls are the ones getting the shaft here! They
have less money, one less prospective husband, and they are
expected to buy gifts and attend parties for the occasion every
other Saturday (or more in June), to girls they hardly know.
As
the self-proclaimed Misses Manners for Mormons, we (Erin and
Juli), hereby declare that this injustice
must be stopped. Have a little sympathy for the single girls.
Stop inviting girls you hardly know to bridal showers. In the
future, please ensure that all bridal shower invitees are also
invited wedding guests.
We
understand that all sealing rooms are not quite big enough to
hold two large Mormon families plus a bride and groom’s friends.
But really, you should pick shower guests from those invited
to the actual wedding ceremony when at all possible. (Which
we do realize isn’t always possible.) And as a last bit of
etiquette frequently forgotten in the Mormon culture, do not
put the registry information in with the wedding invitation.
That information should be put out with the bridal shower invitation
(since as we already discussed the only point on the shower
is to give gifts). The new etiquette says it is okay to put
a wedding website on the wedding invitation, and we encourage
that. Put your registry info on the website. But leave it
out of the wedding invitation. It’s just tacky.
Responses
from the Peanut Gallery
We
love the responses we get from readers each week. Sometimes
they are anonymous, sometimes they are signed. Sometimes they
come from Utah; most of the time they do not. And surprisingly,
many times they do not come from singles, but come from marrieds
who week after week read our humble little column about single
life. To the marrieds, we say thanks.
We appreciate your time.
From
an Anonymous Friend
Your articles
are well written, entertaining, and all too truthful. I thought
about how hard it must be for a lot of singles when their families
are breathing "marriage" constantly to them.
In this ward as in several others I have
seen, singles of all type and fashion appear to disappear into
the architecture. It matters not if you are a never-married,
past-married, part-member family or widowed, you are pretty
much a second-class citizen in the Church in most places.
It appears that families and wards/branches need to do more
than just wave at reality as it passes by them when it comes
to "singles" of all types in the Church. The
attitude of not-quite-fitting-in unless you have the Golden
Band and a full member family really doesn't drive people away;
it just kind of lets them drift away out of the mainstream.
Not good.
Marrieds Who Don’t Discriminate
From
Ron, “I write to let you know that there are married people
who have wonderful single friends. My wife and I have a dear
friend who is single. We met her 20 years ago after moving
into a new state, job and ward. She is like a sister to us.
We enjoy playing games together and get together as often as
time permits. We have five children and our single friend has
been very supportive to us. She will hire the kids to come
and work in her yard and or do various other tasks that are
hard for her to do. I tell her that she doesn't need to pay
because the kids will go very willingly to help out. But she
will always send them home with payment that will be put away
into their mission fund. I regard this single sister as one
of our dearest friends. She is a special person and I feel
honored to have such a wonderful friend.”
You Can
Never Be Too Cautious
We
received a surprising number of letters from people concerned
about men like Chris from last week’s column who tricked Annie
into going on a date, when she thought she was being home taught.
Some of the good men and loving dads of the world wrote us to
say the following.
“Go
to the branch president/bishop and let him know what happened.
Never be alone with that person, ever. If you were my daughters
I would not want this man at your apartment. Just be very,
very careful. Love the stories.” Tom. “P.S. Met my wife at
BYU Family Home Evening.”
*
From
Nicholas, “After reading the portion of your column dealing
with ‘Caught on a date,’ a question came to mind. I am no authority
in such matters but, if it had been, say my daughter, I would
have advised her to mention this ‘trick’ to either her bishop
or his quorum president, or both, since it appears to me that
he mis-used his priesthood authority (home teacher is a priesthood
calling) in the matter, if not practicing some form of priestcraft. She is lucky the fellow in question was not truly
deranged or did not do her harm. Membership in the Church is
not a valid reason, sadly, to assume harmlessness in anyone.”
*
And last
but not least, from Jason in California,
“I particularly enjoyed the article Caught
on a Date with No Way Out. I hope that Chris,
the psycho home teacher, was reported to the bishop or the elders
quorum president. Using home teaching as a trick to get
a date is wrong and not how a young man should be using the
priesthood. The home teacher is supposed to be someone
you can rely on in an emergency. Chris broke any trust
that he may have had and cannot effectively be the home teacher
for someone he has been dishonest with. At any rate it was
a funny story but sad because it actually happened. What
a psycho!”
We here
at A Single Thought not only consider ourselves to be experts
on LDS dating, weddings, and social etiquette, we also are self-proclaimed
protectors of our fellow sisters. While we do believe in being
nice to the underdog and going on dates with boys that don’t
get many dates, we do not ever in any way shape or form encourage
you to go on a date with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.
Taking you out of your comfort zone and going out with a boy
you find unattractive is not the same as going out with a boy
who makes you feel unsafe. You know the difference. When you
feel unsafe, don’t do it.
Speaking
of Feeling Bad for the Underdog
Christina
from London wrote in to say she feels sorry for our
Chris! In her words, “I actually feel quite sorry for this
guy who has been a tad slated by your article this week! Not
all of us possess copious amounts of confidence and solid social
skills and, perhaps, bless him, the only way he could think of to get a date with this
girl was to pull a fast one with home teaching! Yes, making
the lady pay is out of order, but maybe somewhere there was
a lesson for both of them. Did this gal ever question him about
why they were out with a couple? If not, then I reckon
some straight forward talking might have been beneficial to
both parties. Come on peeps – we're supposed to be uplifting,
not bashing!
Let’s Hear
it for the Singles Ward!
We
always love to hear stories touting the praises of a singles
ward. Read this letter from Carolyn. Its not quite what you will expect! “I'm 33. Never been married
– in fact, I had a boyfriend for the first time just this year,
though that relationship is now just a friendship. Pickings
have been pretty slim. I used to attend a singles' ward in
the area for quite some time (through 3 different bishoprics).
I decided to go back to the family ward when I was 28 or 29.
The funny thing is that while I was in the singles' ward I often
felt defective and left out, I suppose because there was so
much coupling going on around me. I really felt obviously single.
When I moved to the family ward, it took some time (my fault,
not the ward's) but I felt much more accomplished and whole as a person.
No one in my family wards (I've been in two different wards
now) made me feel single. Instead I feel like a contributing
part of the community. I admit that I do get lonely in the
family ward sometimes and holidays can be hard, but I prefer
the loneliness to the feeling of being defective. It was nice
to move on to a place where people are constant – in a singles'
ward, friends were so often getting married and moving out of
my life. That doesn't happen in the family ward so much, and
so I don't have to keep starting over making new friends. Still,
I will always encourage other singles to try the singles' ward.
The singles' ward gave me many opportunities to grow in the
gospel and learn leadership skills. Some of the most spiritual
lessons I've ever had were in the singles' ward.”
__
Thank you
to everyone who contributes each week to A Single Thought.
We love to hear your stories and thoughts. You know what
we haven’t heard in a while? A really good crazy dating story!
So we open the email inbox to you the readers for your best
dating stories. We love your stories whether goofball, tragic,
romantic, or just plain fun. Since we’re almost to the scariest
date night of the year (New Years Eve), we encourage you to
send in your date stories, specifically those from New Years
if you have them, to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com
! Have a great week! And happy dating!
P.S.
Congrats to Tyson and Valerie, getting married Saturday in the
Washington, DC Temple.
P.P.S. They followed all the proper rules of etiquette!
