To Date or Not To Date?
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell
Experts at slaughtering Shakespeare

A soliloquy for those whose soul searches, like that of Hamlet, for answers to the burning, confounding questions about dating that just can’t be answered by mere mortals.

To date, or not to date: that’s a big stinkin’ question!

Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune –

Like the girl at the munch and mingle who has received revelation that YOU are the one,

Or the fellow who follows you around like a puppy dog when you are trying fervently to get the attention of your current crush, effectively chasing away any and all potential suitors.

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, (such as the opposite gender!)

And by opposing, end them. So you give up and become the crazy cat lady in your apartment building.

You know, the one trick or treaters avoid? That one.

To date, to sleep no more, because you have giving up your precious hours of beauty – or manly – sleep, 

Tossing and turning because you just aren’t sure what to think of the date last night,

If you really can commit, if he really might be the one, or if you might have a hyper, overactive imagination…or if it might be indigestion.

And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and thousand natural shocks which flesh is heir to…

’Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

You’ve discovered that the guy you like is secretly dating your roommate, or you have watched the girl you would love to get to know better flirt with everyone at the activity but you.

To date, to sleep, to sleep, perchance to dream?

 Aye, there’s the rub! For in that sleep what dreams may come?

Will he whisk you away to paradise on his white stallion?

Will she give you a foot rub that will send your little tootsies straight to heaven? Or will you wake up screaming, drenched in a cold sweat?

There’s the respect that makes the calamity of it all a little better just because you get bonus points for trying.

Your mother tilts her head to the side and gives a warm hug when she sees you now,

Instead of working her way around to when she’s going to start seeing grandbabies. 

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the pangs of despised love, the law’s delay, or anything else that makes your life more complicated than it already is?

 Who wants to grunt and sweat under this dreary, single, solitary life?

It’s the dread of something after we stop dating,

The undiscovered country from whose bourne no traveler returns:

The apartment of the crazy cat lady! (Insert soul- twisting shriek right here.)

It puzzles the will, really, and makes us rather bear the ills of dating rather than give up and resign ourselves to a life alone.

Thus conscience, and the Spirit, make us try even harder;

The determination we achieve after each rejection, each date, and each experience summons our will even as it tries to crawl under a rock and hide for awhile.

But don’t give up! Keep steering even when those currents turn awry,

For even when the seas are storm-tossed, the port of call will be well worth the sea-sickness once you have docked.

To Date – and Be Dated

Week after week, we receive letters from frustrated readers who ask us for more dating advice. So much so in fact that we are considering opening up our own dating advice shop and charging for our services!  But until we hang out that shingle you may partake of our bountiful wisdom for free.  Today we delve back into that scary world of how to get a date. 

Disclaimer:  If the following advice does not get you a date, it is not our fault. 

Brad Pitt did Not Date Roseanne, Miss America did Not Date Kermit the Frog

Look in the mirror.  Look yourself up and down.  Would you go out with you?  What can you do better?  You may not win any beauty pageants this week, but that doesn’t mean you can’t look your best, no matter what!

Talk to Three New People This Week – Nicely!

Make it a goal to talk with three new people at every event you go to.  Do not discredit anyone.  No inner thoughts of, “He won’t ask me out, so there’s no point.”  You don’t know these people and they don’t know you.  Change that.

Forget about It!

NOBODY wants to hear about your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend.  If you are divorced you may only mention your ex-spouse when asked.  Until then, leave your exes in the past where they belong.  We’re here to learn about you – not the things someone else did around you.  Learn from your past, and MOVE ON! What you have learned from past relationships may serve you well in current and future ones.

Psychos belong in the Psych Ward

No one wants to be around a neurotic freak show.  We truly hope you do not fall into this category. Leave all your insecurities and bad habits at the door, please!  While we are on this subject, when you first meet someone and you get that sinking feeling that makes you all uncomfortable to be around them, take it as a sign and leave.  Never endanger yourself just because you wanted something to do on a Friday night.

Read Miss Manners

Nothing is more unattractive than bad manners and habits.  Don’t bite your nails in public.  Don’t put your finger in your ear.  Don’t scratch in public.  Mind your P’s and Q’s.  Say thank you.  Pay sincere compliments.  Practice good hygiene.  Clean your car out.  Say please.  This really shouldn’t be the hardest category.  If it is, PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT!

Frankie, Say Relax!

Un-hunch those shoulders.  Smile a little. Allow the man to open the door for you (but don’t be ridiculous about it). Say nice things. Think happy thoughts.  Even if you are on a charity date, good things can still happen. Try something new (this includes food and rides). Uncross your arms. Don’t jump every time someone moves. Consider yoga if this is all too complicated.

Shut Up and Listen

Maybe nobody can ask you out because you can’t stop talking.  Ask questions, but then – here’s the difficult part – open your ears and really listen to what the other person has to say.  Ask more informed questions.  Try to not say anything about yourself until you are asked a direct question.  If this is the most difficult category for you, try to sit still without saying one thing in a room full of people for thirty minutes.  We can almost guarantee you will be amazed at what you will learn about other people in those thirty minutes. 

We recently received the following complaint from Lucy:

“A group of friends had gone out to dinner.  I was lucky enough to be sitting across from a guy I have had a crush on for several months now.  I had never spoken to him before and was excited to get to know him finally.  But seated next to me was a guy we’ll call Mouth.  Every time I attempted to ask my crush a question, Mouth responded.  By the end of the night I knew more than I cared to about Mouth, and very little about my crush, and my crush knew nothing about me either.  I will be sure to avoid Mouth in the future – if possible.  Please tell people to remember that the world doesn’t always revolve around them!  I never even spoke to Mouth directly!  And now I’ll be sure never to do it again!”

Lucy, we feel your pain!  Good luck with your crush!

Be a Hot Mama, Not a Prospective Mama

Keep the marriage talk down to a minimum. We beg you, please!  We’ve beat this horse to death.  Get to know the person first, and then bring out your laundry list.  Seriously!  Leave the list at home, unless your goal is to completely freak out your date and send him/her screaming into the street.

Beauty is So Much More than Skin Deep

If you are asked out by someone whom you don’t find attractive, get over yourself and go out with him anyway. You never know who will be your next best friend.  One reader sent in a story about a friend who went out with a guy three times. Before the third date, she was determined to tell him over the course of the evening that she didn’t think they should date anymore.

Something happened during the third date, and she decided to postpone the conversation and accepted a fourth. A few months later they were engaged. If someone is interesting but you don’t find him attractive, go out with him anyway.  If nothing else, you will have a new great friend.

Let the Games Begin

Don’t throw yourself at anyone.  It’s just not interesting.  Learn to flirt.  Learn to be patient.  Learn not to get frustrated just because you didn’t talk to the ‘Crush of the Week’ after church last Sunday.  Refrain from stalking him/her in the hall – make him wonder where you were this week instead.  Or better yet – absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Let him come find you.  We don’t care if you have the perfect idea for a Christmas wedding.  Which is more important?  The decorations?  Or the groom?  Really?

Whiners Need Not Apply

We’ve all had a tough week at work, and we all have roommates that are less than perfect.  Find something interesting and uplifting to talk about, because unless your soul mate is another whiner, you’ll wear him out really quickly.

Please, don’t brag about how cheap you are.  No one fantasizes about life with a frugal cheapskate. No one wants to know that you, being the insightful planner that you are, purchased a hardly used high chair at a garage sale for $3.00 because you’re thinking ahead.  Make that announcement after you are engaged, because a fiancé or spouse is the only person who will appreciate that sentiment.   

Does this help? We hope so! Any advice you may have to add to our list, or anecdotes which support or refute the categories listed, are always welcome in our humble little inbox. Every email you send makes us smarter! We’re always here at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. Thanks and have a great week!