Going Public
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell

Promoters of free will, justice, and a more radical approach to meeting that special someone: DATING!

This event is huge in the dating lives of single Latter-Day Saints. HUGE! But be very, very careful. Do this too soon, and it alters your complete social universe.

Week 1: They Meet

She was speaking to several other girls in the foyer following the day’s meetings. Members of the ward began to scatter, but he noticed something that he simply couldn’t define or put a finger on. He just had a sudden urge to get to know her; he just had to join the conversation. He inconspicuously joined the group, pretending to listen to what one of the other girls said, his facial expression masking the fact that he really did not find a detailed discussion of homemade facials for the upcoming enrichment night just fascinating.  He struck up a conversation with her as the girls went their way. They flirted for a few minutes. She smiled as she watched him leave but stood there for a few moments, not quite sure if she should make anything at all of this. Had he singled her out? Had he really flirted or was she imagining things?

Week 2:  They Pursue

She made up a flimsy excuse to go to his family home evening group with one of her friends. It really wasn’t her imagination! He singled her out again, expressing pleasure and unexpected delight at running into her again. Her friend patiently helped clean up the other’s group leader’s FHE activity so she had something to do while she waited for them to return from their perch on the patio, talking and laughing. Friend is a doll for waiting, but she must be up early for work in the morning and drags her away, practically kicking and screaming, like a four-year old who has just discovered the Barbie aisle at Toys ‘R Us.

Week 3: They Date

They met at church. Once again, they had to be persuaded to actually go to class. They have way too much in common to stop talking! He asks her out for the following weekend. Trying very hard not to do back flips down the hall that would rival Mary Lou Retton in the ’84 Los Angeles Olympic Games, she says yes. She can’t wipe the ridiculously giddy smile off her face for days.

Week 4:  They Sit Together

He attends her FHE group meeting. They sit together at Institute. People start to come up to her and ask, “What is going on with you two? Are you officially together?” She responds as simply and honestly as she can, that they are just having fun together and getting to know one another. It’s no big deal!  Her smile, however, gives her away. She’s hoping for a little more than that.

Week 5:  She Falls For Him

More dates. They hold hands on date #3. She pays more attention to the brush of a hand and the look in the eye than is reasonable for a normal human being. She could fall hard and fast for this guy. Maybe she already has.

Week 6:  They Go Public

He picks her up and takes her to church. They walk into the chapel together. They sit together.  He puts his arm around her. They share a hymnal. His territory is marked. Girls in the ward start asking if they are engaged yet. They have officially (drum roll please!) gone public.

Week 8:  Fresh Meat Moves In

Something is not quite right. He avoids eye contact with her and spends the Linger Longer with her roommates instead of her. He also spends a great deal of time with a new girl who just moved into the ward and joined his FHE group. The new girl is sweet and spiritual and she wants to hate her so badly, but she just can’t. The girl is too nice to hate! Instead, feelings of inadequacy flood her as she approaches them. She sees the look in his eye that once was aimed at her, now directed at the fresh meat. She hears the laugh, sees the smile. These were meant for her just a few days ago. She is suddenly used goods.

Week 9:  They Go For a Drive

He comes to her apartment unannounced and wants to go for a drive. In the car, as she slurps her favorite milkshake and they sit together, watching the kids play at her favorite park, he tells her that he doesn’t think they should see each other anymore.  She’s not sure she ever wants to drink that flavor shake ever again. She won’t be back to this park for awhile. She goes home and spends the rest of the evening crying. Her loving roommates ply her with chocolate, hugs, consoling words, and unrepeatable insults directed at the clueless ape that just dumped her. She laughs and feels a little better, but there’s heavy, hollow feeling in the pit of her stomach for weeks.

Week 14:  He Goes Public Elsewhere

She comes to church and sees him and the new girl sitting together in the chapel, in the front pew for all to see. They share a hymnal; their shoulders lightly touch. She’s fairly sure they are holding hands but she has no desire to walk close enough to them to confirm this. She turns around and walks to the back, making sure plenty of heads block her view of the new couple as she tries very hard to focus on the spirit of sacrament meeting. She cries as she realizes that, somehow, the speaker knew just what to tell her. She feels renewed! She can move on! She’s invigorated at the thought. She’s determined to find new friends and try her hand at dating once again.

Apparently, however, some people misunderstood her tears and thought she still hadn’t gotten over her last relationship. All men she meets at the Linger Longer give her a wide berth. Consoling, sympathetic smiles are tossed her way, but when she turns, heads lean in to whisper. She knows they are talking about her.

Week 25:  Other Pastures

Her case of break-up leprosy has not cleared up like she hoped. Her ex is now officially engaged, and she sincerely wishes them well. She occasionally wonders, “Why her? Why not me?” But she is happy that they both found happiness together. Still, no male type person has initiated any sort of contact with her for close to two months. In frustration, she transfers her records to another ward, hoping that being the new girl will work for her like it worked for her ex’s new fiancée. The grass is always greener in the other pasture, right?

Your Thoughts…

So many of our readers had their own take on the busy lives of singles, harvesting and our apple quote!  Mark in Boise, a married father of three, made comments that were very typical of the response we got from married folk. He writes, “You went to institute and got to flirt?  Just wait, you'll get to have Cub Scouts and wonder where the adult conversation went. You go to bed at midnight or later every day. You will die if you try doing that with children-only very rare or very rich people (with nannies) have enough energy to stay up that late after gaining children.  I'm certain that you don't believe me, but you’ll learn.”

Well, what can we say to this? Life naturally changes when we get married, but in the mean time, we suggest taking what free time you have a cramming in as much fun, dating, learning, and volunteering that you possibly can. Linda writes to our readers, “I'd suggest enjoying it and stop trying to be all things to all people.” Geoff posed this query: “I wonder if there is a way to celebrate balance in one's life? I realize it's not as interesting to talk about how balanced you are trying to be.  Somehow, being busy seems that it would bring more sympathy.  Instead, it brings more, ‘uh, yeah, you think YOU'RE busy....?’ It seems like a fruitless comparison as we are ultimately trying to not run faster than we have strength.”

The best way to train for parenthood is to be a well-rounded, interesting individual. Then maybe you’ll really know the correct answer to the query, “Why is the sky blue?” It shouldn’t be a matter of a superior type of busy. We should simply recognize that each of us, married and single people alike, are in different stages in their lives, so naturally we must go different directions. The ‘you’ll see’ attitude some people display toward singles doesn’t make anyone feel better about his or her marital status

Shizue in Tokyo, Japan, illustrated that Saints living out side the United States have insanely busy schedules, but frequently they have no car to drive themselves to places where they can meet and greet other singles. She writes, “I have a crazy schedule too. I have four church callings at maximum and besides callings, I serve in Temple twice a month. Here in Tokyo area, people spend a lot of time to get to work. I spend 1:30 hours everyday to get to work. The life in Tokyo area makes us very hard to find [an] eternal companion. As a Young Single Adult Ward Representative, I know I have to do something to improve the situation. I feel the responses to the article may be of some help for you and us - the readers.” Does anyone have advice for Shizue? It’s hard to imagine finding time for dating when you spend three to four hours a day on the train just getting to and from work or church.

Russell in Palm Bay, Florida, had an interesting perspective on harvesting the apples on the singles’ tree. “As a harvester still deciding which apple to pick, if only it was as simple as finding the apple I wanted. But these are tricky apples, so as one tries to pick them, a picture of trying to pick apples in the middle of a hurricane comes to mind as they move and jump out of the way. Or maybe of trying to catch a greased pig, either way you get the idea. You have to sweet talk and negotiate the apple into climbing into your hands on its own free will and choice.  Not such an easy thing to do.”

More Apples for Me!

A reader wrote to tell us his harvesting story. “After a few months of picking up apples from the ground, I got real tired of the rotten spots and worms. I am not perfect, but I try to be worthy. I began to be just a friend. I was determined not to be romantically involved with anyone, but to be the friend of all who accepted my friendship (as long as I could maintain my values). There were almost no LDS singles where I was at that time, and I did not have a computer.

“I became friends with a lovely lady and we did things together as part of a group of friends. After three months we began to see each other one on one; still no romance. Just friends. After about 18 months, we knew that we were not only best friends but in love. She didn't care if I was poor, and she appreciated my values. She joined the Church and we were married in the same month. Fourteen months later we were sealed in the Temple. I cannot imagine life without her.

“Be your own best friend. Put aside some time for your self, no matter what you have to say no to. Talk to Father every day, and tell him how you feel and what the most important thing in your life is. Rely on Him. Trust Him.” 

WARNING MALE READERS!

A frustrated single lady needs to vent about men. Christie from California opened up to us about her busy schedule and the inordinate amount of time she wasted on men who wanted a convenient Friday night date (The official diagnosis for this syndrome may be found in our article on DFD, or Duty-Free Dating. Please see our archive for more details on the phenomenon.)

She says, “A man just loves it when a woman makes it easy for him:  providing her time, her compassion, and, in a sense, herself, while still granting him the freedom to flirt with or peruse other women to his heart’s content.  He has no idea that he is being completely selfish, wasting both the time and the emotions of the woman. If you put yourself into this kind of position, the man will let you stay there as long as you want, taking all that you have to give for as long as you are willing to give it. 

“He unwittingly becomes a parasite, continuously draining the lifeblood from his host.  Women similar to myself, who are by nature extremely tolerant and not very forward, are especially prone to attract these types of men, and boy have I seen it firsthand.  What I have learned, however, from my experiences, is that, although we cannot drive these men out of existence or make them change their ways, we are at least empowered to prevent them from destroying our own lives by heading for the hills as soon as we detect them.

“Certainly there is nothing wrong with becoming friends with a guy prior to dating him. I’m one of the world’s biggest advocates of taking it slow.  The trick is knowing when to call it quits.  For example, if he is still talking about other girls around you after several months, get out.” This seems like good advice for those who really are busy, yet striving to find that eternal companion. Your time is precious, so make sure the other party is emotionally invested in you, too! It can often be very tricky to define the difference, though. Where is the line between friends and more? One person’s line may be different than another’s, so make sure you communicate that difference at the outset. It might be a simple as saying, “Thanks for being such a great friend! It’s nice to have a member of the opposite gender I can talk to for advice.”

So what’s your take on the situation, guys? Is it really so difficult to define the parameter of the relationship up front, or is this just too hard to do? In all fairness to the guys, we should point out that we know of girls who would be willing to lead a guy on just to get a free dinner and Friday night out. (Erin Ann is not one of them. Although she does enjoy dinner on Friday nights.) Your comments on this dicey subject are always welcome in the moderator’s inbox. Feel free to comment any time at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. 

Bring It On Home

Alan in Missouri summed up both worlds succinctly. He writes, “I am one of those individuals who finds himself both in the single world and also parental world.  Juggling ten hour work days, when including traveling time, and also parental duties when I have my daughter is very time consuming and leaves little time for socializing.  Trying to find time to even go out on a date is a lot like scheduling a doctor's appointment. ‘How about Thursday evening between 8-9PM?’  If you

cancel you need to let me know 24 hours in advance. It makes me wonder with my busy schedule if I love will find a chance or will I be too busy to see it waiting on the curb side?”  Good luck!  We really hope he sees it. Dating is difficult enough without having the added responsibility of kids thrown in to complicate things.

Any and all comments on any of the above are welcome. Once again, we’re at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. Thanks and happy dating!