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Dating
Advice for the Hopelessly Lost
By
Juli Hiatt Caldwell, married and therefore an expert on dating,
and Erin Ann McBride, single and looking
Disclaimer:
The following advice is given freely and at the request
of readers everywhere. It does not guarantee a date.
We may not be able to tell you how to get a date, but
we bet we can tell you why you can’t get a date.
Why
You Can’t Get a Date, and How to Get One Next Time
Body
Language
You
are incapable of reading body language correctly. No
offense intended, we assure you! It happens to the best
of us. Frequently when we think a very nice young man
is giving a rather intent gaze from far across the gym
at the munch and mingle, more often than not he is simply
squelching a belch.
When
considering asking someone out on a date, first stop
and ask yourself, “Has this person every shown interest
in me? What does his/her body language tell me? Has
he/she ever approached me? Does he/she laugh at my
jokes? Does he/she ever attempt to engage me in conversation?
“Conversely,
does he/she stand slightly facing away from me, arms
folded, avoiding eye contact with me while mumbling
something about needing to find his/her roommate?”
It may sound harsh, but don’t waste your time asking
this person out, because he/she has shown no interest
in you. If you want to argue, “but I want to ask them
out so they can get to know me!” STOP right now and
step away from the thought! Use your ward activities,
Institute activities, YSA program, munch and mingle,
and the church foyer, or other neutral, safe public
settings, for getting to meet and get to know them initially.
It is at these activities where someone will send you
the signal that they are interested and would like to
be selected for some more personal time with you. If
they aren’t interested in you at the activity, they
won’t be interested in you after the activity either.
Once a person has become interested in you it is safe
to ask them out.
You
Don’t Know How to Flirt
As
defined by the Single Thought version of the dictionary:
FLIRT—to make playfully romantic overtures. If you
want to get asked out, learn to flirt. Learn to make
other people want to be around you because you make
them feel desirable. FLIRT! Brief synopsis: twirling
your hair is not flirting. Discussing your online game
room is not flirting. Asking someone to pass the salsa
is not flirting. Asking someone to pass the salsa with
a wink and a nod without ever saying a word is flirting.
This column is too short to do the subject justice.
If you don’t know how to flirt go to your local library
or bookstore and check out on of the hundreds of books
on this subject.
SNORE!
You Are Boring!
Be
Interesting! Be someone people want to be with. Be
genuine. Be you. If you aren’t interesting, ask yourself
why! Refer back #2 and the section on flirting. Do you
have any interesting hobbies? Do you volunteer? If you
don’t, why not? You don’t have to be the best or brightest
origami folder you know, but come on? How many people
can make swans out of scraps of paper? While that hobby
may not entertain every one, it just might attract the
attention of someone who is well suited to an eternity
with you.
Be
Interesting to Look At!
You
don’t have to be the best looking person around. Even
if you aren’t the most beautiful man or woman in town
you can still accent your best features, find colors
or styles that are modest that you make you look great.
Dress to impress! This doesn’t mean spending thousands
on a new wardrobe will get you married off. Just make
your clothing and style reflect who you really are,
and SMILE! Happy people draw others to them.
Don’t
Be the High School Academy Awards Nominee for Overblown Drama
Queen!
Don’t
be a Drama Queen! Do not make up stupid, pathetic ploys
to get attention! Do not share all of your dirty laundry
or release all of the skeletons in your closet in a
vain attempt to get attention. NOBODY wants to be around
a high maintenance basket case. These tactics are never
seen as a princess in need of rescuing. Instead they
are seen as a very high maintenance individual who cries
wolf way too much. Let them fall in love with the real
fun and interesting you. That way, they will want to
be there when you truly do need rescuing or a shoulder
to cry on, and you’ll know you can trust each other
above all else. That’s when you know it’s real. Until
then- just be impressive.
We
have spent a great deal of time in this column being
very mean to boys. First, we yell at you if your socks
don’t match, and then we yell at you if you spend too
much time focusing on a girl’s appearance. We offer
no excuses; Louisa May Alcott may have described us
best when she said, “Girls are so queer you never know
what they mean. They say no when they mean yes and drive
a man out of his wits just for the fun of it.” We empathize,
but the only advice we can offer is to understand that
we won’t change after you’re married, either. Sorry!
But until then, we would like to tell you how impressed
we are by your patience with the drama queens out there.
We know they are annoying and dramatic. They get to
us too. But look at it this way- they just want to
get your attention. They must like you!
You
Are No Fun On Dates!
Be
a good date! A surefire way to get a date is to plan
an interesting date. Instead of offering a very vague,
“Hey, uh, would you like to go out with me sometime?”
try this attack instead: “I have two tickets to the
(his/her favorite team) game, front and center on Saturday
night. Would you like to go?” Do something different
or original.
Do
your homework! Better yet, find out what sort of things
your date likes to do, and plan a date just for them.
Save dinner and a movie for the fourth date. You can’t
get to know each other by eating popcorn in the dark!
And just for the record, while making dinner for your
date can be charming and romantic, (and let’s not forget
more affordable), sometimes it can make a person feel
uncomfortable to be trapped alone in a strange apartment.
Again, try and save this move for a later date. Use
the first few dates to impress your date with how fun
you are. Bust out the romantic candles at a later time.
And remember, not all dates have to include food.
Last
but not least, guys, if she’s a rather feminine, prissy
sort of girl, don’t expect her to get excited over paintball
in the rain. And girls, as a general rule of thumb,
guys do not want to hold hands during a football, basketball,
baseball, hockey, soccer, and/or any other sport involving
a ball. Trust us! It’s not you. It’s him. Either get
out there and play with him or be his loudest cheerleader
on the sidelines.
Be
Impressive!
All
too often we get emails from guys complaining that girls
won’t go out with them because their pedigree/resume
wasn’t good enough. You know what? We don’t have a problem
with this! And if a girl really has a problem with you
because you didn’t go to BYU, she’s the one with the
problem. But we ask all singles to evaluate your place
in life and see if maybe your lack of initiative is
also holding back your love life. Who wants to go out
with a person who works almost fulltime, lives
with the parents, drives an old car, and doesn’t do
much with his or herself? Be impressive! Have goals!
Go somewhere, do something!
And
girls, when they guys say “she’s too intimidating,”
take it as a compliment, and drop the guy! Be impressive!
Be intimidating! Don’t hold yourself back for anyone!
Conversely,
some girls get the idea that prince charming will show
up on his white horse and carry her away to his castle.
RING RING! Hello?? It’s the reality phone ringing—I
think it’s for you. Don’t sit there and wait for the
carriage. Go out and tame a few wild stallions of your
own. Nothing is more boring than a girl who says, “I’m
waiting to get married to do that.” Just ask yourself
how happy you will be at age 30 or 40 if you still aren’t
married and haven’t done anything yet?
You
Think You’re on the Red Carpet
Again,
pick up the reality phone. This is not Hollywood. No
one wants to wait for a half hour while you finish your
prep work to look perfect, and while we agree that you
look wonderful, no one is going to “ooh” and “aahhh”
at the finished product. Be pleased and grateful if
you hear, “You look very nice,” and learn to take a
compliment graciously. It’s plain and simple bad manners
to keep someone waiting unless you have a legit, uncontrollable
excuse. Once you get yourself a date remember to be
on time. Do your homework, get the times, addresses,
and directions, prior to the date! The golden rule of
dating is the exact same as the original. If you get
miffed when your date shows up late, make sure you don’t
keep anyone waiting yourself.
We
could go on and on, but hopefully this has gotten the
wheels spinning in your minds on how to improve your
dating lives. We acknowledge that there will be some
who are offended by what we have written, but if this
strikes your chord a little too hard, maybe you need
it the most!
Do
you have some constructive advice to offer to your peers?
What other faux pas do you see in your corner of the
dating pool? Send your best advice to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.
Your Thoughts on Duty-Free Dating…
It
is just as we suspected. DFD (Duty-Free Dating, please
see last week’s article if you missed it) is spreading
wildly through Zion. People from every corner of the
globe have confirmed the existence of this social beast.
And every last one of you who wrote admitted to being
a propagator, a victim, or predator.
Phil,
a fellow DFD researcher in St. George, Utah, indicates
that his research supports our own on the topic. “Thanks
for your treatise on DFD. This sociopathological
phenomenon has the potential to do away with our civilization
as we know it. DFD comes under other aliases (e.g. Responsibility-Free
Dating [RFD]; just plain Free Dating [FD - this is particularly dangerous
when males are addicted to only this form], etc.) which
allows both male and female to rationalize that they
are not true 'DFDers'. In this disease we
need to keep the symptoms and nomenclature broad; they must
not think they can exclude themselves.”
Wendie
in Colorado wrote with some words for predators who
use ward social functions as an excuse not to date.
“This is the real world and in the real world, you have
to pay to play!! We're all looking for the same
thing ultimately - love - but like most things in life,
it won't fall into our laps by accident, or, in this
case, just by showing up at a ward activity. Gimme
a break! After all, don’t the greatest risks
often bring the greatest rewards? Take a risk
already!”
Penny,
on the other hand, had some words for girls who let
themselves fall prey to guys who practice DFD. “My first
response is, girls (meaning all women) get a clue....get
The Rules. If all women would do this, I'm sure
the revolution would be well under way. I don't know
what the men can do....except I have a hunch they would
date differently if they no longer had any ‘prey.’
Men have an inherent need for women which seems stronger
than women’s need for men.” She suggests using this
knowledge to make them come to you, instead of letting
them surf on the wave of free food and attention. She
believes a social revolution of this type would lead
to a tidal surge that would wipe out the risk of DFD
for future generations. We agree.
Shane
in D.C. confirms that DFD is alive and well in the capital
of the United States. “Apparently,” he writes, “the
great lack of dating in the ward has caused quite a
bit of concern for [the bishop] as of late. In fact,
he is considering giving a list of sisters to each guy
in the ward to ask out on a date. Needless to say,
I almost fell out of my seat when I heard him say that.
But what I can say is that I feel that there is a much
bigger issue among the DC area YSA's than just a lack
of dating. In the ‘big-picture’ scheme of things, I
think that the complete social dynamic needs to be changed
in order to allow for more dating, which in turn would
lead to more marriages.” Amen to that, Shane! Let’s
turn the world over on its ear. Bring back the good
old fashioned dating. Bring back old fashioned courtships.
Bring back romance!
Our favorite letter came from an anonymous
guy in China, who wrote an expert dissertation analyzing
DFD and comparing LDS dating with Victorian courtship
rituals. “In my opinion, the single man should make
his interests and intentions very clear to woman, and
ask permission to spend sometime semi-private time with
her. He might visit her at her apartment or home,
where conscientious roommates would respect the couple’s
desire to converse. Then, as this friendship grows,
a series of semi-private, monitored (friends and roommates
are in the know) encounters, including an occasional
outing, picnic, dinner, walk, etc. would be acceptable,
and when combined with ongoing meetings at social events,
couples would be able to study their compatibility and
make wise decisions regarding marriage. Just an
idea…
“I don’t think the group social events are
the problem…The problem lies with the intentions.
If nothing else changes, I wish this would. Intentions
of both parties should be very clear, in both word and
deed. Otherwise, bitterness prevails.” He finishes with
his own personal classified ad, which we think applies
to every last one of us, male or female: Single LDS
man seeks a woman who is smart enough that he’ll like
her, and dumb enough that she’ll like him.”
As your friendly dating-game wardens, we
urge you to remember that you, and ONLY you, can stop
the spread of this heinous dating practice. You are
encouraged to use ward functions to get acquainted with
members of the opposite gender, but don’t use that as
an excuse not to date. Use them as a springboard for
most courageous, most frightening, most nerve-wracking
social phenomenon of them all…a real date!
As always, your thoughts on this and any
other random ideas are always welcome to be bandied
about in our inbox. If you have any more ideas on how
to improve yourself or others to make your dating experiences
more enriching and entertaining, please share! We would
love to share your insight with the rest of the known
universe. Drop us your hints at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.
Thanks and happy dating!
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Magazine. All Rights Reserved.
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