A Single Girl’s List
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell

Please Note: we always change the names and pertinent facts to protect the women who are afraid that we might be talking about them and the men who hope we are.

I have a list. It’s a complicated list. This list is comprised of all the guys I am interested in at any given moment. This list changes from day to day, and sometimes from hour to hour. I have even seen it change from minute to minute. I can’t control how fast it changes or even who is on it. It just happens. The list sort of rules itself. 

Let me explain better…

On a Sunday several weeks ago, there were four guys on the list. Slot number one was held by Jimmy. Jimmy is a really funny guy in my ward, very fun to be around. We have never actually gone on a date.  We’ve just “done things” together.  I call him when there’s a party to go to, or when I’m getting a group together. He calls me to do things, as long as another girl didn’t plan it.  (Fortunately, most guys tend to be smarter than that.) The only issue I have with Jimmy is that he has a harem of girls around him at all times. They are always there, vying for his attention and giving him all the praise and female adulation any guy needs…which means he never really asks girls out. Why mess with a good thing when you have it going, right? They all ask him out. Still, he was in first place because he is my favorite potential suitor at the moment.

The second slot on my list was held by Peter. Peter is a very nice guy from my ward as well.  We just recently met and have become fast friends. We talk a lot, but no flirting. He isn’t really the flirting type. But we talk openly and sincerely, which is nice. There aren’t any games with him. I don’t know if he’s interested in me, but I could be very interested in him if he showed any sign of attraction to me.

Slot number three is actually an old friend of mine. I shouldn’t make up a name for him because no matter what, he will instantly identify himself and tease me mercilessly for weeks to come.  Ok, we’ll call him Kevin. We’ve been friends for several years. We actually dated when we first met, and I really liked him back then. But somewhere along the way, I’m not sure exactly where, we changed paths and just became good friends. We had been hanging out more than usual and a little bit of that original spark was coming back--but so were all the little signs about why it is we never got serious before. This boy has serious emotional intimacy issues. But darn it, he’s still cute!

Number 4 is hardly anything. I know it will never go anywhere but if I must have a number 4, he might as well be unbelievably good-looking. His name is Rob and he’s just a cute guy I have seen at church. We spoke once after an activity. I don’t think he even knows my name.  But I know him by reputation and I like what I know.  We have smiled across the room at each other. He even winked at me once. 

How the List Changes from Day to Day

Day #2- Jimmy was annoying today. He has dropped to fourth place. He spent way too much time talking about how there are too many fat girls in our ward. Everyone else on the list shifted up. I should probably just take Jimmy off the list. 

Day #3- I met a really nice guy at work today.  He’s not a member, which means I shouldn’t allow him on the list. But I can’t help it! I can’t get him out of my head. He’s smart, he’s funny, and he has a killer smile. The best part about him is that he’s a total gentleman.  How can I not let him on the list?  I could see him accepting the gospel!

Revised and Updated List standings- 1. Jason from work. 2. Peter. 3. Kevin. 4. Rob. 5. Jimmy as alternate. There is only room for four on the official list.  I’m too busy to accommodate any other notions at this time, especially now that Jason has made the list. Now I have to be cute and charming at church AND work. This is a lot of stress on a girl!

Day #6- Spent a great deal of the night at the ward activity wishing that Peter was there. I made an extra effort to look nice in case he came; I was looking particularly cute, and all revved up to try and talk to him. Maybe playing hard to get with him isn’t going to work? But Jimmy seemed to notice that I wasn’t spending a great deal of attention on him. He managed to break free from the harem and sat by me tonight. It was a nice effort on his part, and actually made me think that maybe he doesn’t see me as a ‘harem girl.’ He was cute and charming tonight, reminding me of all the reasons why he made the list in the first place. There was a dance at the end of the activity, and he asked me to dance towards the beginning. I admit that I melted. We really do have great chemistry!  I think he knows it too. He told me tonight while dancing that I was different from most girls and that he likes talking to me. I told him to stop talking about fat girls. Rob has dropped to last place for just never being around, and Jimmy is back in first.

Day #10- Today was church. Kevin spoke in sacrament and winked at me from the stand. He really can be cute sometimes. But I’m still not sure how to change our friendship into something more, especially since we’ve already been there, done that, and bought the matching t-shirts.  This is very confusing. He told me that he liked my shoes today and commented on my pink toes.  Rob sat very close to me in Sunday School. Oh, okay, who are we kidding?  I sat strategically close to him in Sunday School and he never noticed I was alive.  Peter and I spent nearly an hour talking after church about all sorts of random stuff. He still shows no spark of interest in me beyond intelligent conversation. I’m not really physically attracted to him, but I could be. People become more attractive as we get to know them better, or maybe the physical flaws just don’t matter as much when we are attracted to them for other reasons.

 For a few minutes today a guy named Chris was on the list. We flirted for a few minutes at the munch and mingle, but then he left the conversation abruptly when some other girls came up to chat with him. He was on the list for roughly 5 minutes; now he holds the record for quickest rise and fall from first. He went from nothing to first place and back to nothing in less time than it takes most guys to tie their shoes

Day #12- Jason from work irritated me today.  He’s off the list.  He never should have been on it anyway.

Day #18- My visiting teacher came over today and told me that Peter is engaged. What??? I feel very led on. Apparently he has only been dating this girl for two weeks, but still. All boys are dumb. There is no list.

Day #21- Jimmy came over and brought ice cream. He spent an hour talking about all the things other girls do wrong. I wanted to scream, “I don’t do any of those things!  Why don’t you ever notice me?!”  But I refrained. My fear is that he and I are just movie and ice cream buddies. He only sees me as one of the guys. He doesn’t seem to realize that I am a girl and that I think he’s really hot. I just refuse to be in the harem. Maybe I should join the harem? NO, I have to set myself apart from the rest somehow. I will not join the harem! If I had a list, he’d be back in first place. He did bring my favorite flavor…But I refuse to have a list. Boys are too dumb to deserve my attention. Jimmy was wearing a hat that made him look very cute. Doesn’t matter. He’s stupid and talked about other girls to me.

Day #22- Kevin called me out of nowhere. We talked for three hours on the phone. I pointed out to him that in that time we could have driven to each other’s houses to talk. He asked me why it is we stopped dating. I told him coyly I couldn’t remember. True to form, at the mere sound of a relationship or the suggestion of something remotely in that area code, he freaked out and ended the phone call.

Day #26- Jason at work carried heavy boxes for me. I think he’s back on the list. Should I reinstate the list? Okay, okay, there’s a list again, but only because Jason restored my faith in men. Currently the only people on the list are Jimmy, Jason, and then Kevin. 

Day #31- Rob spoke to me at FHE tonight. We talked for nearly 2 hours. He’s as cute and as charming as I had imagined him.  He is the only person on the list.

Day #35- Jimmy stopped by again this evening.  It’s amazing how quickly he becomes jealous when I show much attention in another guy. I honestly think the only reason he came over was to “mark his territory” after Rob had trespassed on his land.  I withheld the urge to talk to him about Rob, the way he talks to me about girls.  

Day #40- It was church again today.  I talked to lots of cute boys.  So the list now stands at Rob and Jimmy tied in first place.  Allen, Ben, Carl, Daniel, Eric, and Frank are all tied in second place.

How This Big Stinky Fish Swims

What guys may or may not understand about a girl’s list is that they can go up or down with a gesture as simple as a smile. The more attention they give a girl, the longer they are on the list and the more staying power they earn. Conversely, when it becomes painfully apparent to me that I am not on his list and never will be, he will fall off my list, but may be held on the reserve list. The reserve list is for the guys that could move back into first place on the real list, if they just gave me the slightest sign that they wanted to put me on their list. There are a couple of movie stars and celebrities on there as well.

Guys have complete control over their placement on the list. If a guy were actually to ask a girl out on a date he may skyrocket to the top of the list, possibly knocking all other contenders out of the water. Spend too much time analyzing the fins and scales of all the other female fish in the social pond, and he may find himself swimming at the bottom of that pond. Tell a girl she looks nice today, and you may find yourself reeling in a big one. Forget to talk to her when you see her, or worse yet, spend tons of time talking to all other girls in the room, you become the bottom-feeder. Want to get on a girl’s list? Smile at her from across the room, follow it up with decent conversation later, and give her a compliment (on anything!  Intelligence, looks, clothing, personality, ANYTHING!  We just like compliments!  It doesn’t really matter about what!)

Your Thoughts

Last week we asked you for your stories about Internet dating.  We had mixed responses. Apparently Internet dating is like the proverbial girl with the curl, from an old nursery rhyme: when it is good, it is very, very good, but when it is bad it is HORRID!  For those of you who have had successful dating experiences, you had lots of nice things to say. We’ll start with a positive story from Elisha:

“I met my husband online in an LDS chat room! My dad was researching for a talk and asked me to help him find more info on the computer and when I typed in the subject some LDS chat rooms came up! I enjoyed talking online to people and my dad suggested that I talk in one of the LDS chat rooms to see if I could find more LDS friends, since there were not a lot where we lived. I thought about it and felt inspired to go to this one particular chat room on this particular day! I went and there was a person in the chat room talking about my favorite basketball team at the time. We talked online for six hours straight and then he asked me if he could call me on the phone! I said YES and we talked for six hours on the phone. And that was the first day we met! We talked again the next day and he told me that he loves me and asked me to marry him and I said YES!”

Wow, that one happened very quickly. She let us know that they have been married for three years and have a little toddler that they adore. She says they struggle through trials like all other married couples, but they are strengthened by their testimonies and their belief that they were led to each other by the hand of the Lord. We are very happy it worked out so well for you.  Many others didn’t have such a positive experience and let us know exactly what their feelings were on LDS sites for singles.

Leta wrote to give her experience and offers some advice. “I have used LDS singles sites and yes I did date more than one and I married one. The dating experiences were very good even though they were long distance. I value the friendships I have made. When I started using the singles sites I was divorced after having been married 28 years and after a couple of years of visiting with other singles I thought I knew all the traps! Wrong! The man I married was from out of the country and we did not spend enough time together and the marriage did not last. The long distance writing and talking were excellent and I thought that I could know someone well enough to be able to start a marriage after 9 months of writing and only 17 days of being in person. 

“I have two pieces of advice. 1. If there is any kind of warning flag, it is always RED!  Look at any possible problem VERY carefully. 2. Time in person! Lots of it! - with HIS family and friends, with YOUR family and friends. They can see much more than you can when you have stars in your eyes blinding the realities of living together. Then listen to them; listen to your heart; listen to the spirit. UNDERSTAND the differences and possible problems. Understand what love is. Go slow. No matter how old you are, you do have time. Eternity is forever. Marriage is sacred. Divorce HURTS!”

This is great advice for everyone, regardless of whether or not you use Internet sites to meet other LDS singles. We had another reader, who wished to remain anonymous, write to let us know that a man she met online used a stolen credit card to access an LDS singles site, built up a relationship where she trusted him enough to want to help him, and he ended up stealing several thousand dollars from her. Just remember, just because the name says LDS on it, you still need to be careful and smart.

What Women Want Continued…

It turns out that we can’t get y’all to stop telling us about what women want and what men want!  We love it!  Keep sending in your thoughts on this subject!  Maybe we can all benefit from your thoughts and experiences!  Wouldn’t it be great if a man out there actually read some of these stories and figured women out? Wouldn’t it be great if women read it and figured the men out? Wouldn’t it be great if the guys on Erin Ann’s list figured out who they were and asked her out?  Wouldn’t it be great if Erin Ann actually got married?  (We ask this rhetorical question purely for the benefit of her ever-patient mother.) But we digress…

Anon Amos wanted to let us know that some girls are sending guys a lot of mixed signals. He wrote, “I feel young women should know that nothing makes a guy (at least me) feel more repulsive than to have praise heaped upon him, to hear about how wonderful and amazing he is, and then to watch the same girls who say that run off to flirt with guys they complain about.  I've been trying to lose weight ever since I returned from my mission.  I've had several girls tell me not to. One said I don't need to.  Another said that a lot of girls don't like guys who are ‘too skinny.’  Also, girls tell me how wonderful I am. They confide in me, they vent to me. They tell me that I'm fun to be around, I'm non-judgmental (therefore they don't have to worry about how their makeup looks when I'm the only guy around), and I'm funny, I "rock," etc.  But then, the skinnier guys with more money and more dating experience show up, and it's time to worry about makeup and start flirting. Guys get hurt by the ‘Wow, you'll be an awesome husband someday, hopefully for someone other than me, because my husband will look better’ attitude.  But I'm being unfair, too. What is the girls' side of this story?”

Anon Amos, you have come to the right place. We are happy to tell you what is really going on here!  You are clearly on the girls’ lists. Some may consider you their best guy friend, because they trust you and like you enough to come to you. However, you are fluctuating up and down some girls’ lists at a very rapid rate. You need to stop wondering why the girls are going out with the skinnier guys with money and experience. Is it possible that you might be intimidated by these girls that you like and are just afraid that they will never look at you like they look at the skinny guys? Just take a deep breath and start asking these girls out! No pressure, just have fun together, but maybe they’ll see you in a different light when they think you see them that way. And what better way to get more dating experience? And when a girl gives you a compliment, ALWAYS compliment her back!  This isn’t optional. We have yet to meet a girl who doesn’t melt when a guy tell her that she’s beautiful. The only rule for this is to make sure it’s sincere. Find her most attractive quality and let her know.

Will from Australia had another question for us. “The issue I want to raise is when you think you are going out with that wonderful person who fulfills all the points in those wonderful lists of qualities in your column and also you might end up marrying them, and then you find out that it is not how you thought it would be. What suggestions do your readers have to help someone who is in a relationship but it has become not what it started out to be for whatever reason?  What would be a good reason or motivation to get out and how would one do it?  I am sure some of your readers may have realized that they have made a mistake. What do you do then?”

Wow, so many people asking for advice this week!  We are humbled that you would trust us with these personal questions. This is a subject both of us know well, having been through several break-ups and boyfriends ourselves. One of us was in a relationship very similar to this several years ago. We dated for well over a year and went through quite a bit together. There is no way to pinpoint how or where things went bad—some relationships just don’t work. The bottom line is that sometimes people come into our lives for a short time, to help us learn and grow. Some people stay forever; most don’t. Just learn what you can from them and be grateful they were there when you needed them most!

If you are only prolonging a relationship in order to procrastinate going through the break-up process, you are only making things worse. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of a break-up, focus instead on the personal growth you both are missing out on because the relationship isn’t going anywhere. Ask the other person if they are happy, and ask if there are any changes you both could make to bring more happiness to the relationship. After they have expressed their concerns and issues, ask them if you can express some of yours. If your relationship is built on trust and love, this will help the both of you decide whether or not it is time to end the relationship, or just rearrange the schematics of it. If there really is no future for either of you, just end it quickly. Rip off the band-aid as quickly as possible. Staying together for the wrong reasons will only serve to hurt both of you more than necessary.

So what do you think? Does anyone have advice for Anon Amos or Will? Feel free to let us know at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. Any and all comments, thoughts, compliments, and complaints are welcome in our humble little inbox.

Thanks and have a great week!