The Art of Becoming
By Don Staheli
In
the process of becoming,
the journey can also
be the destination.
I spoke with someone recently who
had just left her teens and was entering into young adulthood.
I gave her advice and tried to create some images to which she
could relate, so she could develop a sense of what this new stage
of her life is all about responsibility, stability, learning,
work, formalizing her preparation for life. Neither one of us
thought it sounded like she was in for much fun. Thank heaven
it sounds worse than it is!
As time brought our conversation
to an end, I asked if she understood what I was trying to tell
her. She said she did, but then posed the best question possible
after such a talk: "But how do you do it?"
Excellent question! How do we implement
all the good things we learn? How do we act in line with what
we know? There is something in our human nature that allows us
to go on doing, time and again, things we know are not right,
or at least not the best for us to do. This is particularly true
if our less-than-best behavior is not illegal or harmful to others
and we are not, therefore, forced to change. I don't know that
I could come up with detailed instructions for an easily followed,
step-by-step approach to becoming who we ought to be, but perhaps
a few thoughts will be helpful.
First of all, it is important to
realize that the goal is to be who we are, not who we think somebody
else is or who others may want us to be. The obligation we have
to ourselves is to develop what is in us, who we are inside. Others
may give us input in the process, but no one else can really know
what and how we should be. They can know their own reaction to
our behavior or make their own assessment of the correctness of
what we do, but they can only surmise how well it fits with our
own thoughts and feelings about who we are. We are all unique
and should glory in that uniqueness.
In knowing that, though, it is also
important to realize that there is nothing wrong with some dependence
and some conformity. It is perfectly normal to lean on each other
for assistance. None of us is in this life alone. We all need
the love and support of others. It should also be acceptable to
us to corral some of our self-centered notions and align ourselves
with principles of behavior that lead to the well-being of the
whole group.
In becoming who we are, we should
be careful not to lose our dignity in the name of individuality.
We should not forget that propriety is important. Even when we
know our heart is right, there is a lot to be said for acting
and looking that way, too. The more we fit in with the society
of which we choose to be a part, the more likely we are to be
successful in the culture of that group. Little signs of behavior
that might be considered rebellious, even though seemingly harmless,
may allow people to take us less seriously than we hope they would.
Remember that self-development is
an ongoing process, not a solitary event. It happens a little
at a time, as we learn how to do it. In fact, it really lasts
a lifetime. People who expect to be everything all at once are
generally quite frustrated much of the time. On the other hand,
those who don't expect enough of themselves fail to make much
progress. They often end up wishing they had done more, tried
harder, and pushed themselves further. They are frequently jealous
of the accomplishments of those who did pay the price for success.
The key is achieving a good balance doing our best, but not
expecting more of ourselves than is reasonable.
Another very important factor is
limits. One of the most exciting things about becoming an adult
is freedom from many of the limits that were imposed by parents
and other caregivers. The natural tendency, as soon as we get
some freedom, is to resist the imposition of limitations in what
we can do. That is all right to a degree, but not when it leads
to excess or irresponsibility.
The most successful people set their
own limits. They do not necessarily do what they do because mom
and dad told them to, but because they want to do it that way.
They have set their own reasonable limits and chosen to live within
them. They may be more strict with themselves in some areas and
less strict in others, compared to what they did at home, but
the limits are theirs. They are in reality doing what they want
to do. It may not be what they could do, what they are capable
of doing given no limits, but they have chosen, in their pursuit
of success, to limit themselves in certain areas.
The interesting thing is that these
kinds of limits will result in greater freedom down the road.
The man who limits his spending such that he can save a little
will have more money later in life and far greater financial freedom
than the one who has no early limits. In fact, he will likely
be making his money from the ones who spent freely early on and
then have to pay it back later, with high interest.
I hesitate to use the word that best
describes this limit setting, because of the bad vibrations it
causes in many people, but the word is discipline. Discipline
is the foundation of success. Disciplined eaters are thinner and
generally healthier. Disciplined spenders are wealthier. Disciplined
followers of religious faith are disciples indeed, and capable
of loving and serving others. Those without some discipline usually
wish they could be like those who have it.
Again, however, balance is important.
We determine the level of success we desire and then practice
the level of discipline that will allow us to achieve it. And
the level will vary as circumstances change in our lives. The
sad thing to see is someone who keeps saying he or she will practice
discipline, but who keeps putting it off in a very undisciplined
manner and then winds up frustrated and disappointed with life.
Much of our sadness in life is based
on wishing things were different. Undisciplined people are almost
always wishing things were different. Those who have some balanced
discipline in their lives may still want things to be a bit different,
but, because of the limits within which they live, they see progress
and maintain a lively hope that they will have what they want.
Deep down, undisciplined people have a lot of hopelessness. In
the back of their minds, they know they won't have what they want
because they aren't doing what it takes to have it.
The last thing I would suggest is
to have some focus. Even if is quite broad and general, some direction
is very important. Discipline provides momentum, but without direction
we leave our destination to luck or to chance, and the odds are
heavily against us arriving where we would want to be. Direction
doesn't have to be unwavering. We can change direction anytime
we need to. In fact, minor adjustments may be important as we
gain a more clear understanding of where we want to end up.
In summary, the successful transition
into adulthood would seem to be achieved through:
