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The
Lesson of the Crabs: Praise, Support, and Positive Affirmation
by
Richard and Linda Eyre
Sometimes
following our own "best nature" is the wisest thing we parents can
do. Over the next several months, we'll be presenting some natural
advice in the form of easy-to-remember lessons from nature. Stay
in touch with us by visiting valuesparenting.com.
I
(Richard) was born in Baltimore, and while I don't have much actual
memory of those earliest years, I still love hearing my mother tell
stories of going "crabbing" on the Maryland shore. Apparently it's
fairly difficult to catch the speedy crabs but remarkably easy to
keep track of them once they are caught because of their instinct
to "pull each other down." Once you have at least two crabs, you
just put them in a shallow pan or bucket. A single crab could easily
climb out, but if there is another crab there, he will reach up
with his claw and pull the first crab back down before he can get
up over the edge.
They don't
boost each other up or assist each other in their frantic quest
to escape and regain their freedom. They do just the opposite. They
pull each other back as though they can't tolerate any of their
number rising above their level or escaping without them.
This instinct,
of course, is not limited to crabs. It is an unfortunate part of
human nature to envy those who climb above us and to pull them down
literally or verbally or at least within our own critical and judgmental
minds.
Within families,
siblings are often particularly inclined toward crab-like behavior,
sometimes called "sibling rivalry." And parents, even though they
want the best for their children, sometimes feel instincts of resentment
and resistence when a child wants to move up "over the edge" into
a life style or pattern beyond what the parents have been able to
obtain. Conversely, kids sometimes resent, criticize, and pull down
their own parents when they feel they can't meet their expectations
or reach their level.
The lesson
of the crabs is support and positive affirmation - doing the opposite
of what the crabs do - lifting up instead of pulling down - praise,
rather than criticism.
One thing that
almost all parents know but that hardly any parents do
is that children crave attention and that parents should, therefore,
give more attention to positive behavior than to negative acting
out. Stand in a busy mall sometime and watch parents and children
walk by. Who's getting all the attention? The kids who are behaving
themselves are getting ignored. The ones who are crying or complaining
or fighting with each other are getting all of their parents' attention.
Once while
we were living in Japan, we saw a simple, memorable example of "doing
it right." (Asian cultures are a little better than ours at recognizing
the positive and ignoring the negative). We were chatting with a
neighbor of ours, in her kitchen, when her little boy came in and
began to pester her, tugging at her skirt, interrupting our conversation,
whining, and being obnoxious. The mother completely ignored him.
Finally, when he got too loud to ignore, she very matter-of-factly
(and without even looking at him) scooped him up, opened the nearest
door, set him on the other side, and closed it. It happened to be
a closet. She continued her conversation with us all the while,
as though nothing had happened. A moment or two later, the closet
door opened and the little boy came quietly out and stood politely
by his mother. When there was a pause in our conversation, he said,
"Excuse me mother." Now the mom gave him her full attention, listening
to his need (it happened to be thirst) and gave him a glass of water
along with an affectionate pat on the head and then a little hug.
It seemed so simple. It worked so well. She had recognized and rewarded
the positive and ignored the negative. She had lifted up rather
than torn down. She had "caught him doing something good."
Unlike the
crabs, we must support rather than compete with each other. Unlike
the crabs, we must look for ways to boost our children's self-confidence
rather than undermining or dragging it down. Unlike the crabs we
must truly want our children to rise above and beyond ourselves.
Unlike the crabs we must praise effort and reward honest attempts.
And unlike the crabs, we must love our children more than ourselves
and make their well-being more important than our own.
A mother told
us of an experience with her four-year-old son. He had been at a
playgroup where he was the only one who couldn't climb to the top
of the monkey bars, so he was feeling a little discouraged and "unconfident."
On impulse, mom lifted him up on her knee and started telling him
the things she could think of that he was good at. "You're good
at throwing a ball," she said. "You're good at making your bed and
you're really good at making the baby happy when she cries . . ."
She noticed that her son was smiling now, but he looked around,
apparently trying to find something. "What do you want," she asked.
"A pen," he said,. "I want a pen." She pulled one out of her purse
and he said, "Write those things down - those things that I'm good
at." "Where shall I write them?" she asked, glancing around for
a piece of paper. "Here," the little boy said, thrusting out his
hand. "Write them right here on my hand - write one on each finger."
So she did. And she said her little boy wouldn't wash his hand for
two days.
Children need
our praise, our confidence, our support, our "boosting up."
A father had
been learning about "deep affirmations" in a seminar at his work
and decided to try it on his grown daughter who lived away from
home and had a lot of stress at the moment. He called, got her answering
machine, and just spontaneously left a long message filled with
his love for her and his confidence that she would make it through
the tough period she was in. He expressed his faith in her, recalling
various times when she had met challenges and reached her goals.
He told her how much she'd grown as a result of those previous difficult
times and assured her that this one would be no different. He invited
her to call him back and tell him the latest and promised he would
just listen. He told her she was the best daughter anyone could
have and reminded her again of how much he loved her and believed
in her.
A few weeks
later when they were together the daughter hugged her dad and whispered
to him that she had saved that phone message and listened to it
again and again, especially when she felt the lowest. It had given
her the strength, the confidence, and the boost she needed.
Learn the message
of the crabs. Use the profound psychological power a parent has
to lift your children up to the best and happiest people they can.
One mother,
realizing she was prone to criticism and constant correction of
her eight-year-old son, but who sincerely felt that the boy needed
every word of it, decided to adopt the "sandwich method." This simply
meant putting a slice of praise or positive reinforcement on both
sides of the criticism or correction. If she had to say, "Your room
still isn't clean," she'd first say something like, "Thanks for
finishing everything on your plate at dinner," and something like,
"Thanks, you really know how to clean up when you try," after.
One dad, in
an effort to clean up high largely negative act, simply offered
his kids a dollar for every time they caught him saying, "No." He
found he could always substitute something like, "It might be better
if . . . "
Read the next
article "The
Lesson of the Bear: Helping Kids Become Responsible"
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