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Re-valu-ing
the Family, Part Twenty-two: "Values Therapy" to Build a Self-image
for Life
by
Richard and Linda Eyre
(www.valuesparenting.com)
Note: In this
twenty-six part column, Richard and Linda Eyre explore the recent
revolution of the family from the honored centerpiece of society
to a disrespected and seemingly redundant appendage to the larger
corporate and cultural institutions of our new world. Re-valu-ing
the family, the Eyres believe, is the only alternative to America's
demise. The sequence of the column is: A. Re-valu-ing the family
(part I); B. sThe "crux" (parts 2 and 3 -- why family is the foundation
for everything, including happiness); C. The "curse" (parts 4 and
5 -- the social problems that plague our society today); D. The
"crisis" (parts 6 and 7 -- the breakdown and breakup of families
that allows and leads to the social problems); E. The "cause" (parts
8, 9, 10, 11 -- the reasons our families are failing); F. The "culprits"
(parts 12, 13, 14, and 15-- how our new, large institutions are
destroying the small, most basic institution of family); G. The
"cure" (parts 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21 and 22 -- what you as a parent
can do about it); H. The "case" (parts 23, 24, and 25 -- a case
for government and big corporations to pay more positive attention),
and I. Finding or forming a family support group (part 26).
This
week, in part 22, we will introduce a new approach called "values
therapy."
The trouble
with so much of what we call "parenting" is that it's a defense
rather than an offense. The "experts" all seem to be saying, "If
you have this problem . . . try this solution," or "If Johnny does
this, you try that." The old adage of the best defense being a good
offense isn't applied very much. Most parents really don't have
a plan!
If you ask
a business manager or owner what his goals and plans are, he or
she will hand you his vision statements, sales targets, pro forma
financials, and show you his offense. But ask a parent
about his family goals and plans and the answer is likely to be
much more general, "To raise my kids," "To keep them out
of trouble," "To have a happy family." How impressed would you be
if the business person answered his question that generally, "To
have a nice company," . . . "To avoid going bankrupt."
Parents, today
more than ever, need clear and specific goals and plans for their
families. We need an offense good enough that we're not
forced to constantly react and to rely always on our defense. The
best offense in today's world is a plan for teaching our children
values which will protect them, maximize their
chances to be happy, and avoid some of the problems for which you
would need more defense.
In researching
and writing Teaching Your Children Values we sought twelve
values, one for each month of the year, that were truly universal,
that virtually every parent everywhere would desire for their child
and that, together, would create the kind of character in a child
that would maximize his chance for a happy and productive life.
We surveyed and questioned parents and came up with this list:
1. HONESTY:
Truthfulness with other individuals, with institutions, with society,
with self. The inner strength and confidence that is bred by exacting
truthfulness, trustworthiness, and integrity.
2. COURAGE:
Daring to attempt difficult things that are good. Strength not to
follow the crowd, to say no and mean it and influence others
by it. Being true to convictions and following good impulses even
when they are unpopular or inconvenient. Boldness to be outgoing
and friendly.
3. PEACEABILITY:
Calmness. Peacefulness. Serenity. The tendency to try to accommodate
rather than argue. The understanding that differences are seldom
resolved through conflict and that meanness in others is an indication
of their problem or insecurity and thus of their need for
your understanding. The ability to understand how others feel rather
than simply reacting to them. Control of temper.
4. SELF-RELIANCE
AND POTENTIAL: Individuality. Awareness and development of gifts
and uniqueness. Taking responsibility for own actions. Overcoming
the tendency to blame others for difficulties. Commitment to personal
excellence.
5. SELF-DISCIPLINE
AND MODERATION: Physical, mental, and financial self-discipline.
Moderation in speaking, in eating, in exercising. The controlling
and bridling of one's own appetites. Understanding the limits of
body and mind. Avoiding the dangers of extreme, unbalanced viewpoints.
The ability to balance self-discipline with spontaneity.
6. FIDELITY
AND CHASTITY: The value and security of fidelity within marriage
and of restraint and limits before marriage. The commitments that
go with marriage and that should go with sex. A grasp of the long-range
(and widespread) consequences that can result from casual, recreational
sex and from infidelity.
7. LOYALTY
AND DEPENDABILITY: Loyalty to family, to employers, to country,
church, schools, and other organizations and institutions to which
commitments are made. Support, service, contribution. Reliability
and consistency in doing what you say you will do.
8. RESPECT:
Respect for life, for property, for parents, for elders, for nature,
and for the beliefs and rights of others. Courtesy, politeness,
and manners. Self-respect and the avoidance of self-criticism.
9. LOVE: Individual
and personal caring that goes both beneath and beyond loyalty and
respect. Love for friends, neighbors, even adversaries. And a prioritized,
lifelong commitment of love for family.
10. UNSELFISHNESS
AND SENSITIVITY: Becoming more extra-centered and less self-centered.
Learning to feel with and for others. Empathy, tolerance, brotherhood.
Sensitivity to needs in people and situations.
11. KINDNESS
AND FRIENDLINESS: Awareness that being kind and considerate is more
admirable than being tough or strong. The tendency to understand
rather than confront. Gentleness, particularly toward those who
are younger or weaker. The ability to make and keep friends. Helpfulness.
Cheerfulness.
12. JUSTICE
AND MERCY: Obedience to law, fairness in work and play. An understanding
of natural consequences and the law of the harvest. A grasp of mercy
and forgiveness and an understanding of the futility (and bitter
poison) of carrying a grudge.
There are all
kinds of simple and effective methods, techniques, stories, games,
and other ideas to teach each of these values to kids* but the most
important and overriding method is simply to focus and
concentrate on one single value each month . . . to make
it the "value of the month" in your family and to look for opportunities
(in everything from the media you watch to the everyday situations
you find yourself in) to talk about it and to point it out to your
child. Assign one value to each month and when the year ends, start
over (your eight-year-old is now nine and will learn each value
on a new level). Here is our family's list:
January: HONESTY
February: COURAGE
March: PEACEABILITY
April: SELF-RELIANCE
AND POTENTIAL
May: SELF-DISCIPLINE
AND MODERATION
June: FIDELITY
AND CHASTITY
July: LOYALTY
AND DEPENDABILITY
August: RESPECT
September:
LOVE
October: UNSELFISHNESS
AND SENSITIVITY
November: KINDNESS
AND FRIENDLINESS
December: JUSTICE
AND MERCY
Properly approached,
this "values offense" is not some burden of "one more thing to worry
about." Quite the contrary . . . it's a simplifier. It gives a parent
one clear subject to concentrate on for the month rather than worrying
about everything at once. It's not a panacea . . . and it's not
something that has to be worked on every day -- but when you've
got a minute, when you find yourself with a child in the car or
in the kitchen -- you mention the value -- you work on it with
them. You comment on your own need for it, quest for it, problems
with it, etc., and the effect is cumulative -- a little better each
month -- a little better each year, building a base of shared and
understood values that become a lifetime defense against the false
paradigms and larger institutions that threaten to swallow up our
children and our families.
Decisions
in Advance
There is one
method that has, for our family, been a way of bringing all twelve
of the values together and seeking practical application of them
in our children's lives. We call it "making decisions in advance"
and it works like this:
1. During the
first two or three years of elementary school (ages five to seven),
we try to talk a lot with a child about decisions . . .
about how fun they can be and how important they are. We also use
the word "consequences" a lot and help the child see how consequences
are tied to decisions. We try to let him make as many decisions
as possible for himself -- anything from which shirt to wear to
which kind of juice to have for breakfast.
2. When the
child is eight, at the back of his journal or diary (something every
child should have) have him write the headline, "Decisions I Have
Already Made." Then we talk about two kinds of big decisions--
the ones you can't make until you know all your options and are
older (college, marriage, profession, etc.) and the ones that are
actually best made in advance (whether to do drugs,
whether to cheat on tests, whether to smoke, etc.).
3. Even when
the child understands, we ask him to wait -- not to write
down any "decisions in advance" just yet -- to think about it for
a week or two. Then, at another "meeting" when we're not rushed
and really have some time, we ask the child if he's got any decisions
in advance that he wants to write in the special place at the back
of his journal. We explain that when he writes it, he should sign
his signature by it and date it . . . so it's like a contract or
promise to himself.
4. When he
comes up with one we say, in essence, "Wait. Before you write it
and sign it, let us tell you a story about what might happen to
you in a few years." Then we try to create the most difficult possible
scenario for the decision he's proposed. For example, if he's said
his decision in advance is never to do drugs, we'll have him imagine
he's at a party when he's sixteen and a group of his friends want
him to try a pill. "Come on -- we've all taken one -- they make
you feel great." The girl he's with takes one -- everyone's looking
at him -- what does he do? What does he say? If he feels sure he
could handle the situation we say, "Great -- now I think you're
ready to list it and sign it."
As we've
done this over the years with our children, almost every value has
come into play. It is a way for them to commit themselves to the
practical and future application of each value. It works
well with seven-to-eleven-year-olds, but we think eight
is the very best age to start. The list can be added to for years
as they come to other conclusions and commitments. It's not a panacea
or a guarantee, but it increases a child's chances of making good
choices for years to come.
-----------------------------
We call this
whole values approach "values therapy" because we have observed
what a healing, security-giving, therapeutic effect it has on children.
Kids who understand basic values well enough to incorporate them
mentally into their concept of who they are develop strong, healthy
self-images and self-esteem.
The ancient
Greeks had a word for the cultivation of character, values, and
virtue in a child. The word was "paideia." Whatever you and I call
it, it is something that can be done, and doing it can make all
the difference for your child!
After
You Do All You Can Do
The seven approaches
just outlined are the best ideas we know for an individual family
to counter, within itself, the family-destructive influences of
larger institutions. Parents who make serious attempts at each of
theses seven principle focuses will protect and preserve their own
families.
If they are
the best ideas for individual families, what are the best
ideas for collective families? Can parents band together
in some effective way and persuade larger institutions to do more
to help families and less to hurt them?
Maybe so. In
the final chapter we will try to make the case for serious re•valu•ing
of families by all sectors of our society. Then in the postscript
some possibilities for your involvement on a broader scale -- in
a parent's "movement" that might be hard for larger institutions
to ignore. But first, the case.
In the nest
installment (article 23) we will start this "case" as see if you
will agree that there are several things that larger institutions
could do to help families.
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© 2001 Meridian
Magazine. All Rights Reserved.
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