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Re-valu-ing
the Family, Part Seventeen: The Cure and Recommitment
by
Richard and Linda Eyre
(www.valuesparenting.com)
Note: In this
twenty-six part column, Richard and Linda Eyre explore the recent
revolution of the family from the honored centerpiece of society
to a disrespected and seemingly redundant appendage to the larger
corporate and cultural institutions of our new world. Re-valu-ing
the family, the Eyres believe, is the only alternative to America's
demise. The sequence of the column is: A. Re-valu-ing the family
(part I); B. The "crux" (parts 2 and 3 -- why family is the foundation
for everything, including happiness); C. The "curse" (parts 4 and
5 -- the social problems that plague our society today); D. The
"crisis" (parts 6 and 7 -- the breakdown and breakup of families
that allows and leads to the social problems); E. The "cause" (parts
8, 9, 10, 11 -- the reasons our families are failing); F. The "culprits"
(parts 12, 13, 14, and 15-- how our new, large institutions are
destroying the small, most basic institution of family); G. The
"cure" (parts 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21 and 22 -- what you as a parent
can do about it); H. The "case" (parts 23, 24, and 25 -- a case
for government and big corporations to pay more positive attention),
and I. Finding or forming a family support group (part 26).
This
week, in part 17, we continue with the "cure" and focus on the power
of recommitment.
1.
RECOMMITMENT
It was
a good friend of ours, a country doctor who has attended the last
hours of many people's lives, remarked that he had never heard anyone
on their deathbed say, "Oh, I wish I'd spent more time with the
business," or "If only I'd been able to buy one more new car." The
regrets people have at the end of life (as well as their most cherished
memories) invariably have to do with family.
And the regrets
come not only at the very end of life. So many in their fifties,
sixties, or seventies, even those who have every material thing
they ever wanted, find their lives empty and hollow, lonely and
meaningless because they forfeited family somewhere along the way.
They miss so desperately the relationships that they gave up (or
gave up on) sometime back in mid-life.
The pattern
is so frighteningly predictable: In "early life" we fall in love,
start families, and know the joys and sorrows that come with the
risks of committed, caring relationships. In mid-life we grow impatient,
disillusioned or just tired, and allow some combination of selfishness,
foolishness, and fatigue to turn away from spouse or child. Or,
we simply stop putting forth the necessary effort and let family
relationships gradually slip and slide away. Then in late life we
realize that what we gave up was everything and what we traded it
for is nothing.
It is in mid-life
(sometimes very early mid-life -- this time of slippage
and selfishness) that we need a purposeful and powerful recommitment
to relationships. Deep down, we all know that family is the first
priority and that David O. McKay was right when he said, "No other
success can compensate for failure in the home.." Yet the world
pulls us in so many other directions. The false paradigms and the
self-preserving larger institutions popularize materialism, self-gratification,
and the "freedom" of ownership without obligation.
Family-destructive
thoughts come so easily, "My wife doesn't look as good as she used
to. "My spouse doesn't take care of himself;" "I just don't have
the energy to keep track of this kid any more;" "My spouse is so
much less stimulating than the people I work with at the office;"
"My life is so dull compared with what I see on TV;" "I'm thinking
of what I could have if I spent a little more of what I earn on
myself;" "Once kids are this age there's not much I can do to influence
them anyway;" "I'm completely tied down by my spouse and kids;"
"There's got to be something more to life than this;" "I'm just
tired of trying to do everything for everyone else and nothing for
myself." The thoughts gradually work their way into negative words
and actions.
We need an
antidote -- a vaccination against the slippage. The prescription
we need is recommitment. Real commitment -- deep and heartfelt
commitment -- is a "root" solution. It is the scriptural cure of
turning our very hearts, it is a solution that moves up
through the trunk and extends out to affect every branch and leaf.
"Parenting methods" or "marriage techniques" may work here and there,
but genuine commitment affects everything we do and, more importantly,
everything we and those around us feel.
Commitment
is hard to describe, but easy to feel -- even vicariously through
a story: When I was a young father, the church we went
to had a program where the lay members would visit the homes of
other members once a month to see how they were doing and to leave
a spiritual thought. I was assigned to two families, one happened
to be very wealthy and attractive -- easy to admire. The man, about
ten years older than I, had a successful business, a beautiful wife,
bright kids, a mansion of a house, and drove a real Lamborghini.
The second family was quite a contrast -- poor, small house, seven
people with only one bathroom.
I looked
forward to the first visit each month -- so much style and stimulation.
The other house was pretty routine. Yet as the months passed, I
found my anticipation shifting. I looked forward to the little house
because the feelings and the atmosphere were so good there. And
what had seemed to be busyness and excitement at the big house was
revealing itself to be tension and all kinds of conflict and dissatisfaction
-- everyone running off in their own direction and trying to find
something that fulfilled them.
We moved
away a year or two later and I lost touch with both families.
Fifteen
years later I was giving a speech at a university, and afterward
a student came up and asked if I remembered her. She was one of
the children from the small and humble house. As we talked, I got
that same comfortable, quietly confident feeling that I used to
feel in their home. I asked about the other family with the big
house, and she told me that the parents had broken up and a couple
of the kids were in rehab programs. Then I asked about her own family
and particularly about her father, "What did he do that gave you
all such confidence?" I wondered "What were his parenting techniques?
I'm a dad now and I want that same feeling in my home."
"Oh, we're
all fine," she said. "Still not too well off, but everyone is making
progress and we love each other more than ever." On my second question
she seemed a little amused. "You remember my dad," she said, "he
wouldn't know a parenting technique if it came up and bit him."
"That's
true -- but what did he do," I persisted. "I still remember how
it felt in your home and I still see it in your eyes now." She became
more reflective and I saw something else in her eye -- a tear. "You
know," she said, "I think it was just that we knew he'd never give
up on us. We knew we were his first priority. He would make mistakes
-- he had a temper, still does -- but he was just always there for
us, and he'd tell us that."
I think
it was my obvious interest in what she was saying that kept her
memories coming. "I remember he would come and sit on my bed and
just hold my face in his hands and look right in my eyes and say,
'I am totally committed to you. You are my first priority. I may
screw up and you may screw up on this or that, but I will never
give up on you and I will never stop loving you completely. You
can count on that! You kids and your mother are my life. No matter
what, you'll always be the most important thing to me. I'm committed
to your mother and I'm committed to you -- always. Don't you ever
forget that!'"
She hadn't
ever forgotten it, and its powerful and secure effect still seemed
to rest on her.
The interesting
thing about marriage and parenting and family is that no one
ever fails until they give up. There will be setbacks and problems,
sometimes big, long-term problems, but I repeat, no one fails
until they give up! We see examples of that every day. We see
parents who hang in there, who keep trying, keep supporting, keep
giving their unconditional love and keep telling their
child of it -- kids who are in trouble, kids who have run away,
kids who won't listen, won't talk -- and those kids eventually
come around! Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year, maybe
not in ten years . . . but when the parent never quits, reconciliation
does come, improvement does come. The same commitment-magic almost
always works between marriage partners. Every imaginable problem
may exist -- but when no one throws in the towel, where the commitment
is still there, things eventually get better!
We tend to
undervalue and underestimate commitment. We forget about its pervasive
power. Real commitment when it is felt, when it is expressed, when
it is present in the air, has a way of shrinking problems, of making
them look manageable. When commitment is thought of as unalterable,
eternal, and unconditional, problems just can't stand up to it --
they can't match it in its permanence. Whatever the forces are that
undermine relationships and break up families, they tend to back
off in the presence of deep, complete commitment, as though they
had a mind of their own and choose to go work on someone else where
there is less commitment and where they can do more damage.
Commitment
is turning our hearts, locking our hearts on the relationships
that matter. If we want to fix our families, to shore them up against
the false paradigms and the larger institutions, to preserve them
for our old age, to immunize them against all of their many potential
destroyers, we must start with recommitment. Let the recommitment
start in our heart and then we'll be capable of sending it out through
our words and our eyes to reassure and bless the lives of those
we love most.
The real question,
of course, is how we apply commitment. After we profess
it to those we love most, how do we demonstrate it in everyday life?
The answer here, and the beauty of it actually, is that different
people will apply it in different ways. If your recommitment is
real it will manifest itself in ways that are tailored
to your own situation and your family's own needs. The techniques
are not as important as the heart, the methods are not as important
as the commitment.
Too many parents
approach the process backwards. They read of and try various parenting
techniques in hopes that it will increase their feelings and their
commitments. But if the heart is not there -- not genuinely and
truly turned to the family in a prioritized, unconditional
love, then the methods will be hollow and generally ineffective.
Even having
said that, there is one method we suggest to every parent -- a mental
method actually -- a method for marshalling other methods, a method
that is a direct manifestation of a turned heart -- a method that
has placed itself at the center of our marriage and our family for
decades.
We call
it a "5 Facet Review" and it works like this: Once a month (it's
best if there is a set day, like the first Tuesday) go on a "date"
with your spouse if you are a two-parent family or with somone else
who really knows a loves your children if you are a single parent.
Go to dinner in a relatively quiet place where you are unlikely
to be disturbed, and have only one item on your agenda
-- your children. Talk together about the five facets of each of
your children, one at a time: How is Billy doing physically?
How is he doing mentally? How is he doing socially?
How is he doing emotionally? How is he doing spiritually?
Think for potential problems, about opportunities or attributes.
Take notes.
When you recognize a challenge or a need (or an opportunity), decide
how to deal with it and who will handle it. You will leave with
a clearer picture of a child and a more specific commitment to him
and a more sharply focused love for him. Your heart will
turn. The next month, bring your notes from the previous session.
How are things changing? What has been resolved? Did you follow
through? Pin down the needs and focuses for next month's as you
go through the five facets once again.
____________________
Next week: This
column will continue its seven-stage treatment of the "cure." (See
the end of installment 16 for a list of the seven stages.) Stage
two (next week) is about substituting correct principles for false
paradigms.
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