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The Surprising
Cost of Parenting Programs
by
H. Wallace Goddard
All
ideas on parenting are not created equal, and some "good ideas"
may not be so good as others.
There is a general
law that you get what you pay for. It seems that cheap chips are
less flavorful. The price of an inexpensive car is multiplied by
the costs of repairs. A discount wig may look like road kill.
Even such ephemerals
as love have a high price. Love is not the spontaneous flood of
emotion portrayed in popular media; Meaningful love is the result
of serving, adapting, appreciating, and forbearing--over the course
of years and difficulties. Great love is built at great cost.
There are,
however, notable exceptions to the general rule of economics. I
can think of none more conspicuous than in the area of parenting
programs. Some of the best programs in the world cost the least.
Many commercial
parenting programs were developed by business people. They are supported
by effective marketing and skillful persuasion but many of them
are filled with high-sounding nonsense. They offer simple solutions
with strong assurances. But some of the medicine is simply not effective.
There is no
magic parenting wand. Timeout is no panacea. (In fact it is commonly
misused.) Consequences are no better than punishment when used without
wisdom and compassion. Rewards are often counterproductive, damaging
the internal motivation that we hope to encourage in children. Discipline
is not the most important issue in parenting.
Assessing
Parenting Programs
What are the touchstones for assessing the quality of a parenting
program? Two are vital. The first relates to the theme of all Jesus'
teaching: Love. He tells us that the characteristic of love will
be the measure of any follower: "By this shall all [men] know that
ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another" (John 13:35).
I think Jesus would put love first on His list of parenting recommendations.
Not surprisingly,
research has found that loving children is the single most important
thing parents can do for their children. Not only does love have
direct effects on children but it also mediates or moderates the
effect of other parental behavior. Even discipline by a loving parent
is more effective than discipline by a less loving parent.
The best parenting
programs recommend love as the foundation, guiding principle, and
informing spirit to all parenting efforts. They provide specific
counsel on taking one-on-one time with children. They may even recommend
specific methods for discerning children's individual languages
of love. There can be no good parenting without love.
The second
vital element in parenting is a healthy attitude about agency. Agency
was the core issue in the war in heaven. It is also the core issue
in most family skirmishes. It is not helpful to grant children unlimited
freedom nor is it productive to be over-controlling.
Unrighteous
Dominion
Devoutly religious parents at different points in history have
thought it was their job to teach children to submit to them in
preparation for submitting to God. Such a noble rationale has cloaked
centuries of unrighteous dominion. It is plausible but wrong. God's
message to Elijah was that the Divine was not to be found in wind,
earthquake, or fire, but in the still, small voice (I Kings 19).
We can help children submit to the holy inside of themselves as
training for lifelong submission to God. That is very different
from getting them to submit to mom and dad. Unquestioning submission
to parents sets them up as gods. Unfortunately mortal parents are
not perfect. When parents point children to their own promptings,
they are pointing them to a Source that never errs.
The most exciting
new research on moral development teaches parents to activate their
children's empathy. Compassion more than control, rewards, or guilt
is the basis of morality, according to this line or research. If
one grants that empathy is one of God's messages to our souls, then
this recommendation is exactly the same as the recommendation to
point them to the holy inside themselves.
Excellent parenting
programs teach parents how to point children to their inner messages.
Rather than manipulation and punishment, they teach parents to use
persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness and meekness (See D&C
121:41). They teach parent to be as "wise as serpents, and harmless
as doves" (Matthew 10:16) for effective parenting requires more
than the right attitude; it requires wisdom and inspiration.
Two Characteristics
When the two characteristics of great parenting programs, love
and respect for agency, are combined, agency is taught lovingly,
compassion is taught by example, loving is taught as the highest
use of agency.
Where are the
best parenting resources to be found? Some of the best are very
affordable. For example, the best parenting book ever written (outside
of scripture), may very well be "Between Parent and Child" by Haim
Ginott. Though it is currently out of print, millions were printed.
It can often be bought at used bookstores for less than a dollar.
(My judgment on the merits of that book may be tainted by the fact
that I am currently working on a revision of the book that will
be released in 2003. However, "The Authoritative Guide to Self-Help
Books" places Ginott's two parenting books on the short list of
all-time great self-help books.)
John Gottman's
"Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child," though limited to styles
of guidance, is a wise and balanced book--available for about $12.
It can help parents set bounds with compassion. Gottman calls it
emotion coaching.
Another choice:
You can buy "The Frightful and Joyous Journey of Family Life" at
deseretbook.com for $2.99. (Disclaimer: I wrote it.)
At the high
end of the price spectrum, six excellent videotapes on raising the
young child are available for $25 (http://www.iamyourchild.org/toc.html).
The tapes cover issues such as safety, learning, discipline, bonding
and other essentials for launching a healthy child. Like many of
the best resources, they are produced by organizations with an educational
mission. Not only are such works cheaper, they are usually better
than those produced by for-profit organization in part because the
sponsoring organizations are more likely to partner with universities
or non-profit institutes that do not have a canned message to sell.
They are driven by on-going research on human development and relationships.
They adapt according to new discoveries.
More Surprises
But there are even greater surprises. Many people do not know
that the Cooperative Extension Service (CES) that provides counsel
on pruning trees and canning tomatoes also provides research-based
information on family life. CES is not in business to make money.
The organizational mandate is to get the very best research information
to the citizens of the country in useful resources.
Chuck Smith
at Kansas State University had been very progressive in his development
of family materials on line (http://www.ksu.edu/wwparent/wondhome.htm)
One of the
parenting programs I know best is the one I wrote for Auburn University.
It is available at www.humsci.auburn.edu/parent/
The units can be read online or ordered for a dime each or printed
online with original design and layout at www.aces.edu/department/extcomm/publications/he/hefcd.php#infants
Recently, Steve
Dennis and I have created over 60 family units on subjects from
marriage to development, from optimism to traditions, from timeout
to nurturing. They are available free online at the University of
Arkansas Cooperative Extension Service web site(www.arfamilies.org
click on Family Life).
A broad array
of family resources can be found at the Children, Youth, and Family
Education and Research Network (http://www.cyfernet.org/)
All are free, of course. Many commercial web sites also provide
useful family guides.
There are times
when an appropriate program is costly. Counseling and residential
treatment cost more than information just as surgery costs more
than aspirin. Yet, as a general rule, if you are paying lots of
money for a parenting program, not only are you spending unnecessary
money, you are probably getting an inferior program. The best parenting
programs in the world are some of the least expensive.
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