Can Managing Your Finances Better Improve Your Marriage?

Absolutely.  In more ways than you might imagine.

By Richard P. Halverson

We’ve all seen the statistics that prove money is a source of serious contention in a large majority of troubled marriages.  I would go further.  In my experience finances are a source of contention even in most healthy marriages.

Money is blamed as the primary reason for many divorces.  In my personal experience, however, money is rarely the real reason for the divorce.  Generally bitter arguments over money are a symptom of deeper problems.  I believe this is an important observation because realizing there are deeper problems is the first step in identifying them.

This brings me back to the original question.  Can managing your finances better improve your marriage?  Of course it can.  The first obvious point is that all marriages, whether fundamentally healthy or fundamentally unhealthy, can benefit by eliminating an area of potential contention, frustration and uncertainty.  Proper financial management can go a long way in eliminating financial contention.

There is, however, an important but less obvious reason. The skills necessary for resolving conflicts in a marriage are similar whether the conflict is about money or parenting. The necessary skills in resolving potential conflicts in a marriage may be similar but money is unique in being able to teach those skills.

First, let’s consider factors that exist in nearly all marriages that can lead to contention regarding money and compare those to general factors that can lead to any type of contention in a marriage.

·         Different personalities. Everyone has a money personality and everyone’s money personality is different.  Some research even the smallest purchase while others make spontaneous decisions.  Some can sleep comfortably at night buried under a pile of debt while others are uncomfortable without a year’s supply of money and food in storage. Of course, people also have different personalities when it comes to entertainment, organization, spirituality, optimism, work, and so forth. 

·         Different life experiences.  People come into a marriage from different backgrounds. Some grew up where having enough money was a constant concern.  Others grew up in families where there was plenty of money. Of course, different backgrounds apply to everything.  Some grew up in harsh strict homes while others grew up in homes of joy and love.  Our backgrounds effect the way we look at things our entire life.

·         Different roles in the marriage.  The different roles filled in a marriage can cause spouses to see financial decisions very differently.  For example, the primary breadwinner may see the need for school clothes differently than the primary care giver.  There are many roles filled or shared by spouses with respect to family finance.  Of course, these are just a fraction of all the roles that exist in any marriage.  Unhappiness about one or more roles a spouse is filling or unhappiness about how the partner is filling his/her roles leads to all kinds of contention.

·         Different spirituality.  One spouse may measure self worth based on the possessions he/she owns.  The other spouse may measure self worth based on his/her relationship with God.  An issue like tithing will be just the first layer of contention here.  It can expand into all kinds of purchase and savings decisions.  It can even lead to arguments about how the money is being earned.  For example, working on Sundays versus going to church.  Or staying home with the kids versus going back to work. Of course, different spiritual feelings go well beyond money in their potential for contention.

·         Insufficient understanding.  There is no question many financial difficulties and subsequent arguments occur because the individuals do not understand financial matters and make costly mistakes.  Of course, it is also true that we get into many types of non-financial difficulties because we do not understand.

·         Never enough.  Money is limited -- things to buy are unlimited.  You might be surprised how often people you think are wealthy fret about not being able to buy all the things they want.  Of course, money is just one limited resource in a marriage.  Time for example.  There is never enough time and how it gets used can be a source of contention. 

We can see from this list that the factors that lead to contention with respect to finances are the same factors that lead to contention in general.  With all the differences couples bring into a marriage it may be a surprise that any marriage survives.  It certainly is no surprise that all marriages have their challenges.  I actually think learning how to handle money can help relieve the challenges.

Among the many potential sources of conflict that exist in a marriage money is unique. Money can be quantified.  Numbers can describe money and numbers are very specific.  Money is easily measurable.  Contrast this with other areas of possible contention.  For example, discipline of children, acceptable entertainment, intimacy, use of time, decorating, etc.  All these important things are subjective.  It is difficult to quantify and measure them.  Effects of one course versus another may not be evident for years perhaps not until the day of judgement.  There are very few money decisions whose effects will not be apparent until the day of judgement. 

Reasons why finances are a good place to learn contention reduction skills:

1.       Money is denominated in numbers

2.       Numbers are precise.  They must add up.  If not everyone can see they are wrong.

3.       Goals, necessities, wishes, hopes, fears, can be reduced to numbers that everyone can analyze and discuss.

4.       Review and measurement of numbers is easy and precise.

5.       Money cannot be ignored.  We need it to live.

6.       We cannot spin the outcomes of decisions very far.

7.       Yes, I am overstating the ease and precision of monetary matters.  But compared to the more subjective issues of marriage I am not.

If money is such a good place to learn how to avoid contention why is it such a lightening rod in so many marriages?  It is because most of us simply do not invest the effort to do our finances properly.  The point of this article is that when we get serious and learn to do it for money matters we can learn to use those same principles for other matters.

Here is a broad overview of good money management skills for married couples.

·         Financial roles.   Somebody must make the money, somebody must spend it, somebody must do the bookkeeping, somebody must invest the savings, etc.  There are no right answers as to how these roles are divvied up.  Every couple does it differently.  Generally, it just sort of happens.  Just sort of happening isn’t necessarily good.  Here are some thoughts.  Spend some time talking about the roles.  Do both spouses see the roles the same way?  Are both comfortable with the roles they are filling?  Are both comfortable that they are getting enough information from his/her spouse about the roles he/she is filling?  With a little effort these roles can be quantified and that helps to discuss them.  For example, if one spouse is in charge of buying the food a food budget can help everyone know about that important role.  If one spouse is in charge of balancing the checkbook everyone can see if it balances or not.  The idea here is not to catch someone doing a bad job it is to help everyone understand. Learning the skill of being able to define and discuss roles in a marriage can be very important when issues like child rearing or family home evening are being debated.

·         Written budgets.  Good budgets are written down and discussed in detail.  Budgets are numbers and so they are very precise.  A budget must balance.  It is impossible to pretend everything is OK when it is not because the computer or calculator will highlight a negative balance with a (-) minus sign or maybe even in red.  We all know how important communication is.  However, despite its critical importance communication is often poor.  The communicator may not express him/herself properly.  The communicatee may not understand or may even be unwilling to listen.  There may not be a feedback loop that insures that the communicator and communicatee are communicating.  That can’t happen with numbers unless you go out of your way to make it not happen.  A budget of $1,000 for Christmas means $1,000.  It is written down for all to see.  It can be discussed and everyone knows what the difference is if it is raised to $1,500 and all can see where the extra $500 must come from.  The numbers will keep the conversation going until there is communication.  If a couple is struggling to communicate about more subjective issues they can draw on their budgeting skills even to the point of writing down and describing in precise terms what each wants.

·         Review and measurement: Reviewing budgets is a precise and sobering experience.  Rarely is the budget forecast completely accurate.  Through the review and measurement differences and causes can be precisely identified, discussed and understood.  If corrections are necessary they can be quantified. Once again the serious couple will learn how to explain, analyze, and listen about the errors and their personal part in them.  The numbers require it.  If the budget was to spend $500 for clothes and $1,000 was actually spent there may be some frustration on the part of the spouse that was not involved in spending the $1,000.  A careful review can precisely identify where and why the extra spending occurred.   Frequently, when all concerned fully understand the “where” and “why” the spending makes more sense and frustration is reduced.  Review and measurement is important in subjective areas as well.  Every family has chores, for example.  When the chores are not done as expected frustration arises.  A couple can learn to apply the same skill of understanding “where” and “why” the differences occurred.  Armed with greater understanding frustration can be reduced.

·         Adjustments:  Living with a budget will require adjustments.  These can range from shifting money among accounts to completely changing who is filling what role.  All of these changes result in changed expectations and greater understanding for all concerned.  The numbers don’t lie.  If adjustments are necessary the need will be apparent.  (The solution is not always apparent.)  Many adjustments and changes in expectations are required as marriages mature.  Skills learned in money management can be applied in other areas.

I know this isn’t easy. Money itself is quantifiable as I’ve stressed but what money can be used for is as subjective as any issue.  However, with money you can put a price tag on otherwise subjective dreams.  A basic car will cost so much.  The dream of a luxury car with all the options will cost more.  It may take some lengthy discussion to reconcile one spouse’s desire for adequate transportation with the other spouse’s desire for enjoyable transportation. But in the end both can see that is going to cost $10,000 for the fun part, for example.  The pleasure of a fancy vacation now can be compared with the price tag for retirement.  Not everyone will agree which is the highest priority.  But in the end a dollar amount can be identified with either pleasure now of security later.

Like all learned skills good financial management is difficult at first.  Practice makes it easier.  And when a couple finally does communicate well about money they know it because the numbers add up. I am not naive about how difficult this is.  I fully understand the different views, the complex feelings, the turf battles and all the rest that make family money matters challenging.  I know that many couples just throw in the towel, fail to budget, fail to communicate and hope for the best.  This couple will live to fight about money another day and that day will probably be tomorrow.  The point is all potentially contentious areas are hard to resolve.  When it comes to money its quantitative characteristics make it possible to succeed if the couple wants too.  And if they persist and master the skills in this area they will find the skills also work in other sensitive areas.

Note: I have never encountered a decent budget that made anyone completely happy.  No one gets everything they want. It is true of church, company, government, school, scout troop, and family budgets.  You name it. This is another great lesson for us all to learn. Life and marriage are exactly that way.  No one gets everything they want.  We must all learn the skill of giving up something we want and feel strongly about.  Anyone who gets his/her way all the time is oppressively controlling and is almost certainly married to a very miserable person.

Perhaps an appropriate conclusion here is to repeat the old cliché “Money can’t buy happiness.”  Not only that but money can’t buy marital bliss either.  Learning good money skills, however, can go a long way to achieving marital bliss.