M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

What Do Reading the Scriptures and Managing Our Finances Have in Common?
by Richard P. Halverson

I once knew a couple that was so disciplined about reading the scriptures together regularly that when he was traveling she would stay up until he called so they could read over the phone. That is wonderful! I also recognize it is a little rare in the Church. But do you know what is probably even more rare in the Church? Couples who are this disciplined about discussing family finances together.

Ask anyone who has ever done any marriage counseling, and they will tell you a high percentage of couples argue about money — a very high percentage. In fact, you do not need to ask a marriage counselor. Ask just about anyone who has ever been married. I am sure there is a lot more arguing about money among Latter-day Saint couples than there is arguing about the scriptures.

Here are some simple steps that can help a lot.

1.     Have regular couple meetings to discuss finances.

2.     Make the meetings brief.

3.     Have an object to discuss.

4.     Make the meeting open to discussion.

5.     Make the meetings contention free.

The real key is learning to avoid the contention in family finance. In marriages that are otherwise sound, my observation is financial contention erupts when surprises occur. Like when the bank account is over drawn, or there is less in savings than thought, or the credit card balance is too big to be paid. In my experience when all interested parties understand what is going on, there is less suspicion, unfounded accusations, second-guessing and arguing. A person still may not like what has happened. However, if that person understands why it happened he/she can deal with it more objectively. That is where the meetings come in.

Have regular couple meetings to discuss finances. Regular becomes a habit. All of us have had experience with the fits and starts of doing the things we should do such as exercising, dieting and budgeting. We launch into it with gusto but then the discipline fades. Success comes from making it as regular as my friends' scripture reading. Their scripture study had become such an ingrained habit neither of them would sleep well if they didn't study together for a few minutes.

Pick a time that is already regular. For example, on family night, at the beginning of date night or, while I am not personally wild about this, for some the best time might be on Sunday after Church. Associate the regularity of one event to establish the regularity of the finance meeting.

Make the meetings brief. If they are brief they'll get held and you can get a lot done in a series of brief meetings.

Some years ago an LDS couple from Idaho wrote a book about house cleaning. Well, we all need to do it and they had some good ideas. I heard them asked about cleaning bathrooms. They said that was the most frequent question they received. Then they said the key is to do a little bit everyday. I won't repeat all they said, but the point was a good one. It is amazing what can be done in a few minutes if it is regular. When cleaning the bathroom is left until the health department is ready to condemn it the task of straightening it out is so daunting and disgusting no one in the family is going to do it without feeling contentious.

The same idea works with our family finances. If Mom and Dad meet regularly for a maximum of 10 to 15 minutes the finances remain clean and the job does not become overwhelming. Its amazing what you can get done in that time if it is regular. When finances are left until the bank is ready to foreclose, the task of straightening it out is so daunting and disgusting, no one in the family is going to do it without feeling contentious. If you meet regularly and briefly, there will rarely need to be a long drawn out session.

Have an object to discuss. I knew a couple that had the habit of writing down each day on a common sheet of paper everything each of them spent over $5. (With inflation I imagine that number is higher today.) Then once a week they talked about the list together.

For this couple, the list was the object every week. Most couples would not choose to write all this stuff down. However, they still have plenty of other objects to discuss. For example, a bank statement, a credit card statement, a utility bill, or a simple register slip from the grocery store.

The "object" creates an automatic agenda for the meeting. It allows people to see what is going on and discuss it. I still think it is a good idea to keep these meetings regular and brief so I encourage you to select only one object per meeting.

Make the meeting open to discussion. The purpose of this meeting is for everybody to gain more understanding about where the money goes. A discussion about the detail is important. If you are looking at a credit card statement, for example, it is a good idea to discuss and review the purchases that are there. It is like the friends I mentioned above who looked at everything over $5. Their approach was close to extreme, but it worked.

Make the meetings contention free. This is very important. The scriptures tell us that "..the devil .. is the father of contention.." III Nephi 11:29. No one needs the devil in the middle of their meeting. Avoiding contention is not always easy, especially if arguing about money is already an established pattern in the household. Coming to the meeting with the right attitude is key. Opening with prayer can help. Having the wisdom to close the meeting and defer a particularly sensitive subject to the next meeting may also help. If the meetings become contentious they won't be held. That doesn't mean the problems will go away. They will just get stuffed waiting for an explosion.

I have made much of the fact that most couples have at least occasional disagreements about money. I sincerely hope you have no clue what I am talking about. I do want to say that most healthy marriages survive the financial strains that come along. Unfortunately, I have encountered many couples that had serious marriage problems. In nearly all of those marriages long knock-down-drag-out arguments about money were a regular occurrence. However, I have come to learn that in these most difficult cases money was not the real problem but a symptom of far more serious and fundamental problems. Put another way, if the couple suddenly became rich they would find something else to fight about.

Even in situations where money fights are only symptomatic of more serious problems, these little meetings can help. If the couple can learn to improve their communication about money, the new skill can spread to other areas. I have seen difficult marriages make major improvements by starting here.

I hope no one forgoes reading the scriptures together so they can talk about money. But I think this most worldly substance is also spiritual. As members of the Church we believe the Lord expects us to be good stewards over what He has given us. That surely includes being good stewards over our money.

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