The Value of Kindness
and Friendliness
In connection with Richard and Linda Eyre
As
many Meridian readers know, Meridian Magazine, in collaboration with Linda
and Richard Eyre, presents a specific and particular value each month,
complete with methods for teaching that value to each age group of children.
For over a year, this was a weekly column, apearing every Friday and offering
new methods each week for teaching the value of the month to children
of various ages. (click
here to review all 12 of the monthly values and their weekly methods
in the values archive.)
After the year was over, and all 12 values had been presented all of the
methods articles were placed in the Meridian archives, and the Eyres now
write a monthly update and reminder column so that reader parents can
stay excited and motivated about teaching each value of the month to their
children in the month it comes up. Remember that any time during the month,
you can click on the "family value of the month" icon on the
left side of the Meridian home page and go directly to the teaching ideas
for the month. You can also get additional teaching ideas for
teaching and communicating the value of the month by going to http://www.valuesparenting.com/
The whole idea here is that there is strength (and encouragement) in numbers.
As all Meridian families work on the same value each month, we all take
heart in the unity and solidarity of being involved with thousands of
other parents — all
working with their kids on the same concepts, the same ideas, and focusing
on the same value.
New families can come into the program at any time, because there is no
particular sequence to the values. You can start with any of them.
This Month's Value: The Value of Kindness and Friendliness
What could be a more important thing for children to learn than to be kind and friendly!?
Here is an overview of the value and some
general ideas about how to teach it to kids. For detailed, and age specific
ideas, go to the values archives (see right sidebar) or click here.
Simple kindness and friendliness is a great human value. It involves parts
of other values, such as the empathy of sensitivity and the boldness of
courage, but it is a very separate and different value from these. This
value is also partially an extension of the value of peaceability. In
peaceability we try to teach children not to hurt and to avoid conflicts.
Here we teach the positive side of being a friend, acting friendly and
kindly, and becoming more polite and courteous.
Friendliness and gentleness also apply to self. Children who learn to
be gentle and tolerant with themselves grow up to be less stressed and
more relaxed and self-secure.
Simple friendliness (based on our earlier-established criteria and definition
of a value of something that helps others and diminishes hurt in others)
is a profound value. Often a simple act of kindness or a word or two of
extended friendship can change another person's attitude and mood for
the rest of the day — and longer.
In trying to teach kindness and friendliness to our children we once again
realize that they are not lumps of clay to be molded as we choose, but
seedlings — already who they are — ready to blossom if watered
and fertilized and exposed to a lot of sunlight.
Wherever your children fit on the scale of natural kindness and friendliness
to others, there is always room for improvement on this important value
of life.
Lulu's Mistake
This man came home from work one day, went into his "private" bathroom, and found little five-year-old Lulu, who loves trying to clean things, holding an empty cleanser can and standing over a bathtub that was overflowing with soap suds onto the carpet. He nearly reacted the way most parents would have: "Lulu! You used way too much soap! You're ruining the carpet! You should never try to do things like this without help!"
But he had some especially tender feelings in his heart that day for Lulu, and he said, "Oh, Lu, you were trying to clean Dad's tub, weren't you?"
Little Lulu looked down and said, "But Daddy, I used way too much soap!" It was a tender, warm moment that ended in a big hug.
If the father had said, "You used way too much soap," Lulu would have said, probably with some bitterness or some hurt, "But Daddy, I was just trying to clean your tub!" It would have been an unpleasant, separating moment.
Sometimes we don't need to tell our children what they did wrong. They already know. If we are kind and gentle with them and come to their defense, they will say what we would have said, and the moment will be warm and the feeling will be right.
General Guidelines
Have a "gentleness and politeness" pact. This can create a mood
of particular kindness and warmth in your home during this month. Get
together as a family as you start this month and discuss how pleasant
a place the world is when people are kind and gentle. Ask the children
to join you in a "pact of gentleness and politeness" for the
month. Explain that this will mean a commitment of two "do's"
and two "don't's."
Do's:
1. Be polite ? say, "please," "thank you," and "excuse me," and look for chances to extend acts of courtesy.
2. Smile and ask, "How are you?" Expect a real answer to the question and listen to it.
Don'ts:
1. Don't yell or raise your voice or be critical of another.
2. Don't say anything critical ? neither of someone else nor of yourself. (No "I'm so stupid" or "I can't do anything right.")
Talk frequently about how things are going, how people feel, how hard it is to remember, and so on.
Decide where your child stands
in his natural abilities to be kind and friendly. Know what
your challenge is with each child. There is nothing quite like the joy
one feels as a result of kindnesses to those who really need and appreciate
it, whether it be a good deed for one little old man across the street
or kindness on a more grander scale.
However, kindness and friendliness
are never as easy as they sound. Some children show their insecurities
by pretending to be popular but putting other children down in ways that
are outright cruel, while other shrinking violets and painfully shy children
spend all their time wondering why no one likes them. Others are genuinely
well adjusted and naturally look for ways to be kind and friendly to those
around them. Try to determine where your child fits in his natural abilities
to be kind and friendly so that you know where to begin.
Teach by example. Give your children clear and specific models for friendliness, kindness, and politeness. This value is one that cannot be overdone. During the month be extra friendly and polite to everyone, including your children. Use "please," "thank you," and "excuse me" profusely. Say nice things. Practice Emily Post etiquette in everything from opening doors and holding chairs for women to setting the table in a proper and special way. Even help children with their own jobs. Smile a lot.
Watch children respond. Once they get over the suspicion that you're putting them on or rehearsing for a part in some play, they will begin to mirror what they see in you.
Teach your child the value of relationships, not only with friends but with family. This will increase their appreciation of close "blood" relationships. During an evening meal every few months take the time to reinforce the importance of having friends and being a friend.
Foster and nourish the idea that even though outside friends are very important, the best friends they will ever have should be their brother or sister (as well as his or her parents). Childhood friends will come and go, but family members will last throughout life. Those friendships should be nurtured and treated with care.
You could even try a private game among family members. When one child is persecuting another or arguing or calling names in a way that he would not think of doing with a friend, have the persecuted child say the word friend, which is a code word to the other child to back off and begin treating him a little more like a friend. Although it may not work at the moment, it will help to raise the awareness of what they're doing. (The same game works for parents who talk to their children in less than glowing terms, or vice versa.)
You could even suggest that when a child is angry or being rude to another family member, an onlooking child has a responsibility to walk up to the child being attacked, put his arm around him, and say, "Don't talk that way to one of my best friends."
Your Questions on Joy Schools
Before we end this month's update, let us thank you for the interest expressed in Joy Schools from last month's article. Several had questions about costs and about how to set up a group, so here are a couple of paragraphs that should answer most of the questions we received:
Joy Schools are well-established (more than 100,000 parents and kids have participated) and truly unique preschools. The central belief of Joy School is simply that children, while in their most impressionable years, should be taught life's most important thing, the various capacities for joy. A related belief is that children suffer not from being started in academic learning too late, but in starting too soon, before they have a basis of social and emotional self-esteem.
Do-it-yourself Joy Schools involve from three to six mothers who rotate as teacher, holding Joy School in their homes twice a week and using the detailed lesson plans from this site, which include all the music, stories, games, and activities to learn and teach one kind of Joy each month.
The Joy School curriculum is built around joy, with the philosophy that happy children become strong students and well adjusted adults. For three and four year olds, "J.Q." (Joy Quotient) is more important than I.Q. (Time after time we are told by kindergarten and first grade teachers that Joy School graduates do better in school than kids coming out of pushy, early-academics preschools.)
And Joy School is cheap (a major consideration in a world where preschools sometimes cost $50 to $100. per week. Joy school moms pay less than $5 per week, which covers all their materials — including highly detailed lesson plans with colored stories and cut-outs and wonderful music CDs for each lesson.
Click on this link to get a free sample lesson plan, and then click here to learn all about how joy school works and how to set one up in your neighborhood.
Good luck with May's Meridian Family Value of the month. See you in June, when the value will be "Justice and Mercy."
Closing Note: Many have asked if there are actual teaching tools to assist parents in teaching the Meridian family value of the month to their children. The Eyres have been involved with a series of values-teaching CDs called Alexander's Amazing Adventures, which give 5-14 year old children a vicarious (and dramatic) experience with each month's value. By special arrangement, Meridian readers who have been following this column and participating in the value of the month can now receive, as a free gift, the HONESTY CD from this series. Simply send a self-addressed, stamped 5 X 7 or 8 X 10 envelope (the padded ones are best) to the Eyres at 1098 Augusta Way, Salt Lake City, Utah, 84108 and they will send you the gift CD. (You will need to put three regular stamps or postage on your return envelope.) Please respond only if you are reading and following the column, and please do not ask for more than one copy of the CD. We hope this gift will help make the value-of-the-month concept even more effective within your family.