As most Meridian readers know, Meridian Magazine, in collaboration with Linda and Richard Eyre, presents a specific and particular value each month, complete with methods for teaching that value to each age group of children. As is the pattern each month, we begin September with an overview article that re-introduces this month's value. (The value of Peaceability was first introduced a year ago as the Septembere Value and it now repeats itself, on the premise that children who are a year older will re-learn the same value but on a different level each year.)  

Meridian readers are also encouraged to send in their own thoughts and ideas on the value of the month. Just click the feedback button ( Eyres@meridianmagazine.com.) and send in ideas that have worked for you in teaching your child the value of the month. Your idea will then be incorporated into the follow up article that goes live on Meridian during the second half of each month
    
Any time during the month, you can click on the "family value of the month" icon on the left side of the Meridian home page and go directly to the teaching ideas for the month. You can also get additional teaching ideas for teaching and communicating the value of the month by going to http://www.valuesparenting.com/ .
    
We appreciate your feedback on each value.  Once again, for this month, send your comments and ideas for teaching Peaceability to Eyres@meridianmagazine.com.  And remember that you can also receive a marvelous (and free to Meridian readers) children's CD on the value of Honesty (and introducing a whole series of "vicarious learning" values CDs for kids ages 5 to 15) by following the instructions at the end of this column.

Hi, parents, and welcome to the Meridian Familly Value of the Month.  For September, the value we will be concentrating on is the marvelous (and sometimes seemingly unobtainable) value of Peaceability.  Oh how much some of us parents would give for a little more peace in our homes — for a little less sibling rivalry — for a little more gentleness, and kindness, and QUIET!

A year ago, when the September value was first being introduced, we defined Peaceability as:

Calmness. Peacefulness. Serenity. The tendency to try to accommodate rather than argue. The understanding that differences are seldom resolved through conflict and that meanness in others is an indication of their problem or insecurity and thus of their need for your understanding. The ability to understand how others feel rather than simply reacting to them. Control of temper.

Admittedly, that is a lot to try to teach small children, but by working on it together, sharing ideas between parents, and focusing on it for a whole month, we can make a difference!

Let us just share a few of our favorite personal methods and ideas for getting more peace into your home, and then, by the 15th of the month, send your ideas to us here, so we can include them in the "Now Try This" collection of Peaceability ideas that will appear here in Meridian for the second half of the month. (Send your ideas, with or without your name, to Eyres@meridianmagazine.com . ) Tell us the age of kids you think the idea works best with, and in the next Meridian column (which will appear about the 18th) we will present an idea list for preschoolers, for elementary age, and for teens.

Household ideas (for all families, with kids of all ages)

Learn to program yourself for calmness. Spend a quiet minute or two alone in your room (or in the bathroom) each morning before going out to face the family. Decide in advance to react calmly to upset, feisty, or aggravating children. Do the same kind of self-programming when returning home from work.

I (Richard) have a friend with a rather interesting method for avoiding any carryover of his work frustrations to his family and for helping himself respond peacefully to his family’s needs. He pulls into the garage after a hard day at the office, pushes his automatic garage door closed, and then sits there in the dark car, imagining the worst scenario for what might be happening inside his home. He imagines that the house will be a mess, children will be fighting, his wife will look unhappy and will have had a bad day at work, and no one will have started dinner. Then he imagines himself reacting calmly, helpfully, understandingly.

Then, he says, “I go in, and one of two things happens: Either it is exactly like I imagined and I react the way I planned or things are better than I imagined, in which case I feel happy and grateful.”

Try to enhance the setting in which you live in order teach this value. Improve the calmness of your home by (a) playing restful music — much classical music creates a feeling of refinement, order, and peace; (b) controlling the tone and decibel level of your own voice — yelling accomplishes little and instantly punctures a peaceable atmosphere; (c) touching others in your family — we talk more softly when we touch; put a hand on a shoulder or arm as you speak to your children.

Ideas for Preschoolers

Explain “Temper.” Give your children the vocabulary they need to talk about anger and give them a way to conceptualize why anger is dangerous and harmful. Show children a pan of cool water, have them touch it and put their fingers in it. They put it on the stove over heat. Explain that when we get mad and lose our tempers, we start getting hot. When the water is boiling say, “This is like getting angry and losing our temper — we get all bubbly and upset and we can hurt people. Would you like to touch that water now?” (No!) “So let’s try not to boil — not to get mad, not to lose our temper.”

Counting to Ten. This helps young children learn a practical method for controlling their tempers. Since preschoolers are excited about learning numbers and learning to count to ten, explain to them that there is another reason (besides adding, subtracting, etc.) for knowing numbers and how to count. It can also help us control our tempers!  Explain how counting to ten before we yell or get angry allows us to calm down. Go through some examples — situations where something makes them mad — talk about what would happen if they got mad, and what would happen differently if they counted to ten first.

Set the example by letting your children see (and hear) you counting to ten.

Ideas for Elementary age and Young Adolescents

The “Two to Tangle” Concept. Help children see that the opposite of peace is fighting and that since one person can’t fight by himself, both sides of a fight must be partly to blame.

Explain to children that if they are peaceful and refuse to retaliate (learn the definition of this word together), then there can’t be a fight. When kids really understand this concept, you are ready for the "Repenting Bench" (see below).

The “Calm Couch” and the “Repenting Bench.” These methods combine a penalty for temper and hurtful conduct with a way to get attention for improving. Have a hard bench or two straight-backed chairs somewhere in the home where children who fight are assigned to sit. Children who fight (physically or verbally) are sent instantly to the bench. A child can get off only when he can tell you what he (not the other child) did wrong and when he “repents” to the other child with a hug and a request for forgiveness.

Also have a particular couch or softer chair designed as the “calm couch” or “calm chair.” When a child is fussy or feisty or loses his temper, have him sit in the calm chair until he is calm.

Parents should set the example by going to the Repenting Bench when they are being cross with each other.

Don’t treat the calm chair or the fighting bench as punishments — rather as ways to avoid punishment. If children don’t wish to sit on the repentance bench to think about what they did wrong and apologize, then they get punished. If they don’t want to use their calm chair to calm down, then they get sent to their room.  Teach children that repenting and calming down are a privilege and something that we all should want to do.

 

Thanks for being with us on the Meridian Family Value of the Month.  Good luck in emphasizing the value of Peaceability all of September, and send the best ideas you have to us at Eyres@meridianmagazine.com. and we will include them in this month's follow up article right after the middle of the month.

By special arrangement, Meridian readers who have been following this column and participating in the value of the month can now receive, as a free gift, the HONESTY CD from this series. Simply send a self-addressed, stamped 5 X 7 or 8 X 10 envelope (the padded ones are best) to the Eyres at 1098 Augusta Way, Salt Lake City, Utah, 84108 and they will send you the gift CD. (You will need to put $0.87 [87cents] in stamps or postage on your return envelope.) Please respond only if you have been reading and following the column, and please do not ask for more than one copy of the CD. We hope this gift will help make the value-of-the-month concept even more effective within your family.